*balloons fall from the ceiling, sirens go off* Oh my God, what did I win? Little ol’ me was the winner of the “Only Person To Put Dustin Garneau In A Headline?!” *more sirens, more balloons* I’m also the winner of the first person ever to mention Dustin Garneau in a lede?! *yet more balloons, yet more sirens* Okay, what is it now? I’m the first person to mention Dustin Garneau three times in one lede? Great, can we kill the sirens? My neighbors are gonna get annoyed. What do I win anyway? Dustin Garneau on my fantasy team? That’s the worst prize ever! So, I took on the monsters of the industry in an NL Only league that was hosted by Scott White at CBS and I came away with a team that is more imbalanced than Amanda Bynes. This league is deep so hold onto ye old hat. (If you want a shallower league, play against me and hundreds of your closest buddies in the Razzball Commenter Leagues.) Anyway, here’s my 12-team NL-Only team and some thoughts:
Please, blog, may I have some more?
Catchers To Target, 2016 Fantasy Baseball
March 8, 2016 | Fantasy Baseball Sleepers | 329 Commentsby: Grey
Here, friend, are some catchers that I will be targeting at my 2016 fantasy drafts after the top options are gone. I’m not going to get into the strategy of punting catchers. Been there, half-drunkenly wrote that years ago. Click on the player’s name where applicable to read more and see their 2016 projections. This is a (legal-in-most-countries) supplement to the top 20 catchers of 2016 fantasy baseball. Now, guys and four girl readers, I am not saying avoid catchers like Matt Wieters if they fall, but to get on this list, you need to be drafted later than 200 overall. And, to preemptively answer at least seven comments, yes, I will go around the entire infield, outfield and pitchers to target very late. Anyway, here’s some catchers to target for 2016 fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?Austin Jackson signed with the White Sox to rid the world of any hope for Avisail Garcia. “We will trade you Avisail for Jered Weaver wearing a Trout jersey.” That’s Avisail pretending to be the White Sox GM and attempting to trade himself to the Angels. Jackson should see action (BAM!) every day in the outfield in south Chicago and steal some bases. On a related note, in the last two weeks, the White Sox have signed Austin Jackson and Jimmy Rollins, knocking out Avisail and any chance for Tim Anderson. In other words, Brian Sabean is now GM’ing the White Sox. “Guys, can we get a check on Mark Buehrle’s availability?” That’s Sabean sneaking in to be the White Sox GM. For 2016, I’ll give Austin Jackson the projections of 58/7/52/.258/15, and added him to the top 80 outfielders for 2016 fantasy baseball, updated my top 500 and Fantasy Baseball War Room while deleting Avisail, who looks like he’s not shaking the Avifail label unless he’s traded. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Troy Tulowitzki, 2016 Fantasy Schmohawk
March 3, 2016 | Fantasy Baseball Overrated | 319 Commentsby: Grey
I didn’t think I was going to be needed to write this overrated post. I figured Troy Tulowitzki is who he is at this point. Everyone knew who they were getting. Nothing new here to see. Old hat as milliners say. Then a weird thing happened. I started looking at where Tulowitzki was being ranked, and drafted. That’s when the “what the effs” started to set in. Was Tulo suddenly reborn a Canadian superhero by the name of Mooseknuckles in his new home in Toronto? Was there something that uber-handsome, but slightly stupid, Fantasy Master Lothario, Grey Albright, was missing? Could I come up with one more question for the Rule of Three? These questions all ran through my mind. Granted, while Tulo was running through my mind, he nearly pulled his hamstring making this whole argument moot, but he was still there at the end of my soul searching. Standing metaphorically on the tip of medulla oblongata about to take a step into my subconscious. Was this Tulo or the blue Janeane Garofalo-looking girl in Inside/Out? Or is that Janeane Garofalo in a blue sweater in front of me in line at a Pressed Juicery? Should I ask her why she doesn’t gain weight again so she can regain her funny? So many questions, so little time. Tulo was about to bat in one of the most potent lineups, and, for now, had two working hamstrings, why can’t I get on board? My existential crisis reached such a fever pitch my eyes started to move in opposite directions like Jean-Paul Sartre. Anyway, why is Troy Tulowitzski overrated for 2016 fantasy baseball?
Please, blog, may I have some more?Baseball commissioner, Rob Manfred, took the podium yesterday and said, “Whether it’s the speed of the game, popularity of the game — as indicated by TV ratings — the amount of open-handed palm grabs of a crotch or spousal abuse, we will not become the NFL. For better or worse, the number seven is indivisible under God and so are we!” And with that, Our Man Fred suspended Aroldis Chapman for 30 games. Trying to stay positive, Aroldis commented that he would not appeal the suspension but that “I am very glad I can still own a gun; I am getting married, after all.” One of the top closers takes a huge hit in value, I knocked him out of my top 100 for 2016 fantasy baseball, and took him down in my top 500. His auction value dropped from $20 to $9. Hopefully, he can make up lost salary with endorsements for Smith & Wesson and as the opening act for Smif-N-Wessun. A double threat of new income! Andrew Miller received a slight boost, as well. There’s also a long shot scenario that the Yankees are comfortable with Miller in the ninth, when Aroldis returns, and Chapman becomes the world’s best setup man. Before you scoff, you scoffer, it’s not like Miller isn’t good. Gun to my head, I’d draft Miller in any league. Unless it was Aroldis’s gun, then I’d politely ask him who he wants me to draft and tell him I’ll happily marry him. By the by, in just a few short years, Aroldis has been caught leaving a woman tied to his hotel room bed, choking a woman and firing gunshots. It’s no wonder this is his new Topps baseball card. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Sonny Gray, 2016 Fantasy Schmohawk
March 1, 2016 | Fantasy Baseball Overrated | 240 Commentsby: Grey
This happened during the holiday season in my house: Me, “Do you know what not winning the Cy Young did to your mother? I don’t care, personally, if you throw your life away being an ace while never bringing home the postseason hardware, but your mother, she told all of her friends at her Wally Lamb book club for three straight months that you were going to win the Cy Young. She even made me go to Costco, on a Sunday during their busiest time, and buy burgers and buns for a Sonny Gray Cy Young party. Then you only receive one 2nd place vote and no first place votes. I’m disappointed, and you giving your mother and I Billy Butler BBQ sauce for Christmas doesn’t really make up for it.” Sonny, “Sorry, Pops.” “Did you even buy this or did you get it free?” I then threw Billy Butler’s BBQ into the fireplace and screamed, “Did you?!” It was an ugly scene. He’s my boy, Sonny Gray, and I love him very much, but it’s time we look at him through a non-familial gaze. Last year, he had a 2.73 ERA and 1.08 WHIP in 208 IP while breaking out as a number one fantasy starter. Or did he?! Ah, Reversal Question, you are quick…Or are you?! I am!…Or am I?! Anyway, what can we expect from Sonny Gray for 2016 fantasy baseball and what makes him overrated?
Please, blog, may I have some more?For those that are new here, welcome. I’ve gone over my fantasy baseball draft strategy previously. Luckily for you, I will happily coddle you. Unluckily for you, I think coddle means to fart on your pillow when you’re out of the room, causing you to get pink eye. For all your previous misguided attempts at drafting in fantasy baseball leagues, you might be SMDH or telling yourself FML, but now you will be SMDH like, “Look at me smiling like I just smoked some reefer and shaking my damn head at my new knowledge of fantasy baseball drafts.” Or you might be telling yourself FML, but now you mean it like, “I just got my life drunk on a case of Pabst and we’re going to screw for the first time real romantic-like. Could someone light a candle while I eff my life?” Fantasy baseball strategies are as old as the earth, if the earth were ten or so years old. There’s a LIMA Plan (Low Investment Mound Aces) by Ron Shandler. There was a ZIMA Plan by Matthew Berry; it involved a lot of stumbling around, groping and the hiccups. There’s been a Punt One Category draft strategy. There’s been a Punt Two Categories draft strategy, which was conceived by a leaguemate of Punt One Category who just couldn’t stand being upstaged, and there’s the Forget When Your Draft Is So Your Team Is Autodrafted strategy. I love when my leaguemates use that one. Then there’s my fantasy baseball snake draft strategy, Fantasy Master Lothario’s Strategic Method of Domination Henceforth or FML SMDH. (You might even want to use this strategy for our Razzball leagues. Join now. Thank you.)
FML SMDH has five basic steps. If you follow these steps, you will place near the top in all of your leagues. No plan is foolproof because, unfortunately, they still have to play the games, but FML SMDH puts you in the best position possible to win coming out of your draft. Actually, this plan is foolproof and you should ignore the previous sentence that said no plan is foolproof. No sentence is foolproof, that’s more accurate. Okay, onto the steps:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Kyle Schwarber, 2016 Fantasy Schmohawk
February 26, 2016 | Fantasy Baseball Overrated | 334 Commentsby: Grey
I’m Buzzkill Aldrin this preseason, huh? Just call me Killjoy McAvoy! Don’t hate the player, hate the game, or in this case, watch as I hate players that play the game. First, I call Miguel Sano overrated, and now the other supremely hyped 2nd year guy, Kyle Schwarber. I may as well just say Carlos Correa has gout and call it a day. You know, not a lot of ‘perts would call Sano and Schwarber overrated, so if nothing else I’m getting an A in Balls. Potentially, an F in Smarts. But maybe I’ll get a C in Being Aware of My Lack of Smarts, which gives me a C overall and passes me through to the next grade. I’m not getting placed in any AP classes next year though. I’m hanging out the window with my grade A Balls and letting everyone know that I have a problem where everyone else has none. At first, I was shocked that so many people were on board with Sano and Schwarber, but, once I saw everyone was on board, it was only natural that every everyone was on board. I mean, what is fantasy prognosticating without repeating back to you exactly what everyone else is saying, right? This is one of ESPN’s rare qualities. Everyone says Kyle Schwarber is good? Great, he’s good; now, let’s move on so we can get out of here by lunch. Member that time they did a video of their rankings summit? Ten minutes of Cockcroft rolling his eyes, five minutes of Karabell getting his makeup touched up, fifteen minutes of Berry hitting on Karabell, thinking he was a girl. Good times! I understand the urge to be positive on Schwarber. He hits the ball a long way. He is exciting. But, alas…. Anyway, what makes Kyle Schwarber overrated for 2016 fantasy baseball?
Please, blog, may I have some more? Miguel Sano, 2016 Fantasy Schmohawk
February 25, 2016 | Fantasy Baseball Overrated | 329 Commentsby: Grey
If it’s sexy to talk about Miguel Sano, and it is, then there’s one way to make it unsexy like Ruffles you find in your butt crack the next day and become the lone dissenting voice in the sea of fantasy baseball ‘perts. That is coming out against drafting him. I feel like the guy that opts for sorbet at the ice cream place because dairy upsets his tummy, then holds up the line asking why they don’t make any dairy-free flavors using coconut milk. I’m that guy! I wouldn’t be surprised if saying Miguel Sano is overrated gets me stoned, and not the good stoned like Coco Crisp looks before every game. It is a really unpopular opinion. I can understand it. Sano hits bombs. Like unprecedented, roof-shattering bombs. His bombs are adjective-inducing and his strikeouts are agita-inducing. Which one will win out? That’s all this post comes down to. Here’s what I said in the top 5 Designated Hitters, “For each blurb, I zero in one stat. Sometimes I balloon out to other stats if it’s needed. For Sano, I went straight to his 35.5% strikeout percentage. Since 2000, only one player had a 35.5% or higher strikeout percentage over a full season, Chris Carter in 2013 who hit .223 that year. Sesame Street breakdown: When you’re striking out more than a third of the time, you can’t hit for a good average. This was brought to you by the letter K. Last year, Sano hit .269. Do you know how Sano hit for such a high average? He had a .396 BABIP. For those that don’t understand or care to know BABIP, I’ll make it simple. Everything Sano hit last year found a hole or a bleacher seat. A high BABIP either means a hitter was lucky, they’re fast or hit the ball hard. Sano is not fast, he was lucky and hit the ball hard. Since he hits the ball so hard, he could have a higher than average BABIP, but .396 isn’t higher than average, it’s obscene. He could’ve easily hit .190 last year. No one seems to be talking about this. I Googled “Sano strikeout percentage” and found a Bleacher Report article titled, Miguel Sano is Great and Here’s a Slideshow to Prove It. I then Googled “Miguel Sano” “Strikeout Percentage,” and I found two articles and one was written by me in 2014. Not even joking. Then, I opened up my search to “Sano strikeouts” and I found lots of results. I don’t mention this because it’s my only Google history I can talk about. I’m talking about it because no one else is. Sano is a bad luck streak away from hitting .175 in the majors. Sano connected with only 33.8% of pitches outside of the strike zone. One player in the last 15 years has been that bad, Wily Mo Pena. Last year, Melvin Upton connected with 41.2%. Previously, Upton connected with 55.3% of pitches outside the zone in his career. Sano makes Melvin Upton’s wild swing look like he studied under Charley Lau. Sano isn’t just bad with pitches outside the strike zone. He’s historically bad. It took me five minutes to figure this out. How long do you think it’s going to take major league pitchers and Sano never sees another strike? Say Opening Day? I’m not sure how Steamer is projecting Sano for a .255 average. Sano hit .236 in Double-A!” And that’s me quoting me! Anyway, what can we expect from Miguel Sano for 2016 fantasy baseball and what makes him overrated?
Please, blog, may I have some more? A.J. Pollock, 2016 Fantasy Schmohawk
February 24, 2016 | Fantasy Baseball Overrated | 288 Commentsby: Grey
How many Pollocks does it take to hit 20 homers, steal 39 bases and bat .315? 200 billion Pollocks. One, A.J. Pollock, to hit, and 199,999,999,999 Pollocks to run real fast to make the earth spin. Pollock’s year in fifteen-after-twenty couldn’t have went any better. On our Player Rater, he was the 2nd best outfielder behind Bryce Harper and in front of Mike Trout. Yes, that Mike Trout. The fish oiliest of them all. If you owned Pollock last year, you are a Serbian who purchased a Polish person at a flea market or you are a fantasy baseballer that enjoyed one of the best seasons of recent memory. Either way, you’d be more than happy with the Pollock’s output. Value-wise, things couldn’t have been much better. When I called him a sleeper last year, I foresaw great things, but even I couldn’t have imagined greatness that hadn’t been achieved by a Pollock since Ivan Putski. That’s why it’s real sucky that we’re not all drafting for 2015 again. Think of the advantage we’d have knowing what players would do! (Sadly, if we got together today and drafted a 12-team league for last year, eleven of us would still lose. Talk about depressing. Even more depressing, all twelve people drafting would think they’d win easily.) This is one of the biggest mistakes people make each year. Forget Aaron Hicks or Adam Eaton, let’s all draft guys that were good last year. I mean, how wrong can we go with that? Honestly, you won’t go that wrong, but you won’t go that right either. It’s a good way to find yourself right to the middle of your league with Malcolm and Monie Love. Anyway, what can we expect from A.J. Pollock for 2016 fantasy baseball and what makes him overrated?
Please, blog, may I have some more? Yahoo’s 2016 Fantasy Baseball Rankings Ranklings
February 23, 2016 | 2016 Fantasy Baseball Draft | 285 Commentsby: Grey
I have no idea if anyone at ESPN actually ranks people. There’s talk of it. Like, “Yo, Clara Bell, you do your rankings yet?” Then Cockcroft makes farting noises with his armpit. However, all I ever see is consensus rankings. I have to figure out how to do this “consensus” thing. Talk about a nice way to avoid taking any blame for anything. “Hey, man, sorry about Andrew McCutchen being ranked so high this year, but these are ‘consensus’ rankings.” Let’s turn to a conversation between two random fantasy baseballers. “Cockcroft has said he doesn’t like Cano this year.” “But ESPN has him 36th overall.” “Yeah, doesn’t apply when talking about Cockcroft.” “So, when does it apply?” “No idea.” Then heads explode. Consensus rankings are done by committee. Only thing ever done better by committee is jerk seasoning. Now, while you might think ESPN’s rankings have a ton of jerk seasoning, they are just an indecipherable mess. But why bring up all of this when I’m about to take a blowtorch to Yahoo’s 2016 fantasy baseball rankings? Thanks for asking, clunky expositional question! Yahoo has consensus rankings, but they also show their work. Each ‘pert is accounted for in their rankings. This is already much better than ESPN. You can at least see what Pianowski, Funston, Behrens and Triple D are thinking individually. This, of course, doesn’t mean I agree with all of their rankings, but at least I can point to how they came to their consensus. Anyway, here’s where my 2016 fantasy baseball rankings differ from the 2016 Yahoo fantasy baseball rankings:
Please, blog, may I have some more? ESPN’s 2016 Fantasy Baseball Rankings, Don’t Kill My Vibe
February 22, 2016 | Uncategorized | 247 Commentsby: Grey
Our 2016 Razzball Commenters Leagues are in full signup mode. I even heard there were a few people from Anonymous that signed up! They said, “To the world, I’m anonymous, just another white man who sits in parking lots with binoculars watching women.” Man, that Anonymous guy is depressing! As we always do about this time, I eviscerate the haters and complicators! I eviscerate the not-knowers and the over-knowers! I eviscerate the ESPN goers and the garden hoers! I overuse a word like eviscerate that I just learned! I am the Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it) and I’ve come for your children. See, because blog writing doesn’t pay so well, I’m taking a second job as a bus driver, so I’m here for your kids. Like a baller! A shot caller! A “I’m outside of Hot Topic at the maller!” My eviscerating (I’m conjugating my new word!) today comes at the expense of ESPN and their 2016 fantasy baseball rankings. To the tune of Kendrick Lamar’s Bitch, Don’t Kill My Vibe.
Please, blog, may I have some more?