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[brid autoplay=”true” video=”258571″ player=”10951″ title=”Fantasy Baseball Mailbag Week 13″]

The joy you get from watching someone grab Freddy Peralta off waivers, then he throws a terrible start is Schadenfreddy.  However, he doesn’t throw terrible starts, so what does that leave us with if we don’t own Peralta, but we long for him?  Freddy Kreager beaver?  (They get worse, so skim with your eyes if you must.)  Freddy Appetizeralta?  Freddeeeeeeesire…..  I wanna know what the Brewhaha is about, Freddy got fingered by someone other than me?  *drops mic, mic lands on foot*  Ouch.  Yesterday, Freddy Peralta did as he’s done a couple of times before — 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.59 thru three starts.  I don’t think he’s quite this good, let’s get that out of the way right now, said like Gordon Ramsay.  He is good, though, and I’ve been telling you to own him since he was called up.  He’s short (for a pitcher, still towers over me), but has strike out stuff (12.8 K/9 in Triple-A).  His delivery corkscrews out into a, “Get me some boxed vino, I’m a wild man,” pushing a 4+ BB/9, so there’s gonna be some ugly starts at some point, but I would still grab him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

 [brid autoplay=”true” video=”258571″ player=”10951″ title=”Fantasy Baseball Mailbag Week 13″]

At least they weren’t no-hit, that’s what I always say.  Then I follow it with #getstrapped or whatever 50 Cent says now.  This is not going to be out on a limb or anything, but celebrities were better when we had no idea what they were thinking.  Imagine Liberace on Twitter in the 1950’s, “YAASSS girl, I am here for this, sippin’ my tea.”  Yo, Liberace, sure YAASSS Girl’s a lot for a guy who was quoted in the Confidential as saying, “Mature Women Are Best: TV’s Top Pianist Reveals What Kind of Woman He’d Marry.”  Maybe that would’ve been awesome.  I don’t know, I’m not a time traveler.  However, if I were, I would’ve made sure everyone read my Blake Snell sleeper (segue, snitches!).  (Isn’t it weird present and past tense read are the same?  Am I the only one that never guesses right?  Any hoo!)  Tis true that I didn’t even expect Snell to be this dominant.  Yesterday, he went 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 4 walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.31.  He has the 7th best ERA, 19th best strikeout rate (10), 30th best xFIP (3.64), 13th best swinging strike rate (13) and 8th worst contact rates (71.2%).  Super shorthand, if you’re throwing pitches and hitters are not making contact, you’re doing exactly what you should be doing.  Hard to imagine his ERA staying quite that low all year, but he has made the jump to a top 15 starter, and maybe higher.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

[brid autoplay=”true” video=”257768″ player=”10951″ title=”Fantasy Baseball Buy Sell Hold Week 13″]

The Mets started Jerry “Mathers As The” Blevins yesterday (as a starter; not because the Mets are ‘bullpenning’ but because they are bullsh*tting), taking advantage of the Mets waving the white (person sitcom star) flag was everyone on the Dodgers.  First up, Enrique Hernandez (3-for-6, 3 runs, hitting .232) as he hit his 11th and 12th homer in Metco.  Or as Jesse Jackson would say, “Kike homered in Jaime town.”  By the by, players who Hernandez has more homers than (this is gonna make you cry):  Jose Abreu, Bregman, Dozier, Ozuna, Matt Chapman and Smoak, to name but a few.  I’ve been rocking Enrique — sounds Enrisqué! — for the whole year in an NL-Only league, but he doesn’t play every day (unlike all those schmohawks he’s besting on power).  Next up, Cody Bellinger (2-for-5, hitting .239) as he hit his 14th and 15th homer.  I get the sense that people think Cody’s absolutely bombing out his sophomore year.  Not close.  He’s not repeating his great rookie year (yet), but he is top 75-ish on the Player Rater and could easily be top 30 on the year with one extended hot streak.  Lastly, Max Muncy (2-for-5) hit his 15th homer, or as I like to call him, This Year’s Chris Taylor.  Muncy is having a legitimate breakout, or the Dodgers are slowly poisoning Taylor to make Muncy look great for a case of Muncyhausen By Proxy.  I think it’s the former, but a teamster smoking may not be the only one leaning on the latter.  To buy Muncy’s breakout, you have to buy a near-30% HR/FB, but he is top 35 for exit velocity, top 10-ish for hard contact percentage, and 2nd for Barrels.  What does all this mean?  The breakout looks real and beautiful.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

[brid autoplay=”true” video=”257768″ player=”10951″ title=”Fantasy Baseball Buy Sell Hold Week 13″]

Here’s what I’ve said previously about Aaron Hicks, “Open Up and Buy AH, because owning Aaron Hicks is Nothin’ But A Good Time!  Also, a good time is searching any girl’s name from Rock of Love with your parental controls turned off.  Okay, I have a few Bee Tee Dubs here.  Unless you have a child, you don’t set parental controls on your TV.  You can filter what you see without magically stumbling on porn.  The internet though?  You need parental controls on it, no matter if you’re home, at work, 12 years old, 64 years old, at school or on the john.  You can Google something as innocuous as “Persian cucumber” with no parental controls and all hell breaks loose in your search results.  “Oh em gee, I just wanted a recipe for a cucumber salad!  And, wow, I didn’t know Omar Sharif had so many nude scenes.”   Bee tee dubya II, we’re due for a terrible 80’s hair band renaissance.  Someone needs to do a cover of a Poison song.  Bee tee dubya III, there is no bee tee dubya III.  Bee tee dubya IV, I have this nugget in my brain that says, even though I was only 14 years old, I knew how awful Poison was at the time.  Like, when they did Your Mama Don’t Dance, a big part of me knew they were absolutely terrible, even then.  Any hoo!  Hey, any hoo’s initials are Aaron Hicks.  Coinkydink?  Thinks not.  He’s on a 162-game pace of 25 HRs, 15 SBs and a .260 average.  Of course, that doesn’t matter.  We just want a hot player at this point, and, on our 7-day Player Rater, he’s near top 25, and should be owned everywhere.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Yes, the royal we (which is me wearing a Burger King crown) have been here before, but every year it’s the same story with Hicks, until he gets hurt.  Hey, he’s more predictable than that hair band renaissance apparently!  For now, Hicks is healthy, and should be owned.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

No joy comes from benching your ace and having him do a shot of Visine right as he’s going to bed.  “I’m just going to tuck myself in with a glass of warm milk and a Visine back.”  Nope, that brings me zero enjoyment.  It’s like calling your mechanic and telling him that your brakes don’t work, which you found out after the valet drove your Peugeot into a Chipotle.  (Even Chipotles have valets in LA.)  Car’s ruined, at least I wasn’t in the damn car, but no joy.  That’s what I’m getting right now from Carlos Martinez.  Yesterday, he went 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.24, and it’s his 4th straight lackluster start in a row since returning from injury.  He was on my bench, because I don’t trust him at all, but my car’s still being used as a salsa bar, and I don’t want pico de gallo on my hood!  I want the ace pitcher I drafted!  I have to assume C-Mart is still hurt, because it hasn’t only been the series of bleh starts, but the control in his last four games has been atrocious 20 BBs in 16 2/3 IP.  Yesterday’s command was technically better, unless you consider being wild in the zone as big a problem.  Sadly, he needs to stay on your bench until he either rights the ship or hits the Disgraceful List.  Effin’ pico de gallo hood ornament!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

[brid autoplay=”true” video=”257063″ player=”10951″ title=”Fantasy Baseball Mailbag Week 12″]

I was feeling reflective yesterday, so I turned to the mirror and said, I bought a toothbrush, some toothpaste–Mirror, “Please don’t sing that song.”–Pajamas, a hairbrush–“Please stop, please.”–New shoes, and a case!  I said to my reflection, where in my rankings did Jose Ramirez place?!–“NO MORE!”  I’d figured you’d like that song.  “No.”  You’ve heard it before?  “Shut up.”  Whoa, grumpy mirror.  Yet another great day from Jose Ramirez (1-for-2, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (22) and legs (10), hitting .291) is what brought about my reflection.  Through a 75-second detour through that website that puts everyone’s rankings together, I found out the person who ranked Jose Ramirez the highest last year ranked him 13th overall.  Then I looked at where I ranked him — jackpot in my ass! — I ranked him 13th overall.  I was the highest on Jo-Ram.  By the by, someone ranked Jo-Ram around 130th overall.  That person should quit this fake business.  Bonus if it’s Clara Bell.  In my rankings, I even said I wanted to rank Ramirez 12th, but wanted to separate Lindor and him.  Sadly, I didn’t draft Jo-Ram anywhere, because I drafted Lindor everywhere, and, by the time the draft came back to me, Jo-Ram was gone.  This was a fun trip down memory lane.  Unlike when Memory Lane intersects with Cody Bellinger.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

[brid autoplay=”true” video=”257063″ player=”10951″ title=”Fantasy Baseball Mailbag Week 12″]

After blowing a save Monday night, Hunter Strickland broke his hand, punching a door.  Apparently, he doesn’t know how to close a door either.  He also doesn’t know what punch outs are.  He can’t figure out pitching from punching.  He confused saves with staves.  I can go on.  He puts the loser in closer.  A fit for all rages.  Okay, you get it.  He’s going to miss 6-8 weeks, needing surgery on his hand.  What kind of idiot punches a door with their pitching hand?!  This was his season to finally prove he could close in the majors, and he threw that away.  He’ll likely get replaced by Sam Dyson (who got the 2/3 IP, 0 ER save last night) or Tony Watson, and Dyson, Watson or Mark Melancon will take the job, run with it, and Strickland’s literally ruined his career.  “To be continued” for Strickland should always read, Moron.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

[brid autoplay=”true” video=”257063″ player=”10951″ title=”Fantasy Baseball Mailbag Week 12″] Kelvin Herrera was traded to the Nationals, and immediately lost his fantasy value — from a total geek to totally chic back to Game of Thrones’ Reek.  From a SAGNOF hero to a SAGNOF zero.  From sneaky fantasy value status to king status to no status.  […]

Please, blog, may I have some more?

[brid autoplay=”true” video=”256152″ player=”10951″ title=”Fantasy Baseball Buy Sell Hold Week 12″]

The album I released called Father’s Day has an intro as its first song, here it is, “This is dedicated to all those dads out there that stood by their responsibilities and raised your seed.  Unless you would’ve been a terrible father, then it’s better if you shirked your responsibilities and hightailed it out of there.  Something that’s rarely mentioned about absentee fathers, if you would’ve been a crap father, then it’s best if you weren’t around.  The best thing some fathers could give their kids is not being there.  This is dedicated to all the fathers that left.  This is for all the dads that would’ve been so bads.  All the pops that drank nonstops.  You’re often forgotten, but we appreciate your fatherhood was misbegotten”  Any hoo!  Yesterday, Julio Teheran went 6 IP, 0 ER, 0 hits, 3 walks, 11 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.97, as he was activated from the DL.  He didn’t go on a rehab assignment.  Well, technically, he didn’t but he returned to face the Padres, so same diff.  Teheran’s peripherals are a mess like the father who abandoned us who we now appreciate, so Teheran was money on Sunday, but don’t expect child support (this is so hashtag woke).  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

[brid autoplay=”true” video=”256152″ player=”10951″ title=”Fantasy Baseball Buy Sell Hold Week 12″]

Off the album, Get Hits or Buy Ryon, 50 Cent sung about Many Men at a corner spot, rapping, “Many men, wish Joe Mauer on me, have mercy on me, many men.”  Then on his other chart-topping song off that album, In Da Club, he rapped, “You can find at my corner slot, some schlubs.  Look, mami, at my corner infidel slot I got X, if you’re into scrubs.  I’m into havin’ specs, I ain’t into a corner man who’s known for his glove, so come give me a hug, if in my corner slot I got Cory Spangenberg’s mug.”  He followed those up with 21 Questions, when he sang, “Would you leave me if your father found out my corner man was scrubbin’?  Do you believe me when I tell you, I thought Josh Donaldson would be more than nothin’?”  Then, after all those, 50 Cent managed one last smash hit with P.I.M.P., where he rapped, “I don’t know what you heard about me, but a Mitch can’t get a FAAB dollar out of me.  No Kingery, no Sano, you can’t see, that my corner man is P.I.M.P.,” where P.I.M.P stood for Please, I’M Playing (Ronald Guzman).  So, Ryon Healy has been one of the hottest corner man over the last week, but beyond that, on our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater, he’s the 17th best 3B this year, in front of Kyle Seager, Longoria, Devers and Carpenter, who are all owned in more leagues than him.  Healy’s also on pace for 28-31 homers with a decent-enough average.  There’s no reason why he’s on waivers in any leagues.  Take 50 Cent’s word for it, Get Hits or Buy Ryon!  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell for this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The Twins organization removed one white glove, and smacked it across Miguel Sano‘s chubby cheek.  So disrespectful.  Not even Triple-A.  They demoted him to Single-A.  Not completely surprising.  Let’s recap Miguel Sano’s last few months.  He showed up at camp in shape.  Unfortunately, that shape was of a beach ball.  Coaches weren’t sure what to make of him, asking, “Are you ready to play?”  Sano put it into reverse to face the coach who questioned him, and his reverse lights came on but not his newly installed reversing truck beep, which sent him into a backspin, literally, for most of the spring.  Then, he came out of camp, looking ready to eat baseballs for dinner rather than his usual Triple-triple-double-triple-double-triple-single-triple meaty-meatburger, but that was short-lived, and he hit the DL towards the end of April with a hamstring injury.  At that point, Sano said, “If I had known I had a hamstring in my leg all this time, I would’ve eaten it.”  He then motioned for a tuxedoed waiter to pepper mill his leg, and asked for parmesan.  He told the waiter, “I call this hamstring carbonara.”  After about three weeks out of commission, he returned, but didn’t look fully recovered, because he’s in terrible shape, then he hit .162 in June and got demoted.   Hey, Sano, you don’t have to go home, but you can’t take the clubhouse refrigerator with you either.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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“Lower the koozie a little bit.  No, a little bit more.  Okay, now spray some mist on the outside of the can to make it look like it’s sweating.  Now rub your finger from the D in Dr. to the R in Pepper.  This is romance!  For me!”  That’s me explaining to Cougs how I want her to seduce me with a visual metaphor of Juan Soto.  Or as I like to call him, Sexy Dr. Pepper.  Last night he hit two more homers (2-for-3, 4 RBIs) and now has five homers on the year, hitting .344 since his call-up and he’s only 19 years old.  *puts handkerchief to head, faints*  He was the first 19-year-old to homer at a Yankee Stadium since Ken Griffey Jr. in 1989.  He is the fifth youngest major leaguer with a two-homer game (Mel Ott, Danny Murphy (not that one), Griffey, Andruw Jones).  He is the third youngest major leaguer to show up at Yankee Stadium and say, “A concession guy offered his wife to me for sex.” (Fritz Peterson and Mike Kekich)  Not to put the hype too much to eleven, but he is blowing away what Bryce and Trout did when they were both 19 years old.  19-year-olds who hit a home run in the last 40 years:  Soto, Bryce, Trout, Justin Upton, Andruw, Griffey and Juan Gonzalez.  Betting on a 19-year-old to fail who is already up in the majors succeeding is betting the Don’t Pass line, and no one likes that guy.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?