Just finished my first draft if you’re reading this as I type it, and other than one shirtless man in yellow sweatpants standing behind me in this internet cafe, I don’t think anyone’s reading this as I type it.  Unless, of course, there’s micronauts living inside my brain watching as my inner monologue is sending info to my fingers.  Gadzooks, I got micronauts in my brain!  I wonder if these micronauts made me draft Eric Thames.  I need to delve deeper into this subject.  Maybe I will in my pastel journal that is covered in Giancarlo’s picture from ESPN’s nude magazine.  So, I took on the monsters of the industry in an NL Only league that was hosted by Scott White of CBS and I came away with a team that is more imbalanced than Amanda Bynes.  This league is deep so hold onto ye old hat.  (If you want a shallower league, play against me and hundreds of your closest buddies in the Razzball Commenter Leagues.  Please be a commissioner, we need leagues, thank you, and Oxford comma.)  Anyway, here’s my 12-team NL-Only team and some thoughts:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

It took us a few weeks, but we have arrived at the finale. We can finally wrap up the Couch Managers 2017 Industry Mock Draft recaps. It feels like just yesterday I was getting started on what was likely to be a 60,000-word article on all 23 rounds of this mock draft before Grey slapped me and told me to put down the bourbon and split this into multiple posts. Below, I’ll be posting the results of rounds 19-23, my thoughts on said results, and the final team for every owner.

In case you have yet to see my previous posts, here is a quick recap of the league rules for this mock:

This mock was for a 15-team, 5×5 roto, with 23 roster spots made up of 9 pitchers (9), 1 spot for each position (8), a second catcher (1), 2 more outfielders (2), one corner infielder (1), one middle infielder (1), and one utility position (1).

Links to previous recaps:

Now, let’s get rounds 19-23 out of the way so that we can get to the good stuff!

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One quick note, our War Room guy from last year has dropped out, so if you guys (maybe four girls) want a War Room this year, someone needs to step up to make it happen.  I will take ready, willing and abled-bodied people in the comments.  Oh, who are we kidding, no one here is able-bodied!  I’ll take anyone, just comment and I’ll contact you.  This is for the downloadable Excel War Room.  Any hoo!  With the top 80 starters for 2017 fantasy baseball, we are so close to the end of the rankings I can almost taste it!  Wait, that’s not rankings I taste, I bit my lip and it’s blood.  I wonder if when Dracula bites his lip it’s like when Cougs goes out with her friends and I’m left at home while Emmanuelle is on Cinemax.  You might say to yourself, “Self, everyone is totally fooled by my toupee and do I really need to draft starters this deep in my friendly 12-team mixed league?”  You don’t, except you will own guys from this post this year either from the draft or from waivers or your leaguemates will own them and beat you.  Last year, in the tier of pitchers I liked in the top 80 starters was Aaron Sanchez (pitcher, not chef), Rich Hill (pitcher, not sniglets) and Tanner Roark (pitcher, not Tattoo’s boss).  If you owned just them, you had a 2.74 ERA in 512 1/3 IP.  You really still think you need starters drafted early?  You throw in two earlier starters, say, Kluber and Gausman, and you have way too much pitching now.  I’ll go over exactly how to draft starters in a few days, but there are so many ways to skin a cat we should have PETA breathing down our necks.  All the 2017 fantasy baseball rankings are there.  My tiers and projections are noted.  Anyway, here’s the top 80 starters for 2017 fantasy baseball:

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Greetings, friends. I hopped over to the football side of things once last year’s baseball season ended, but now I’m back. And apparently, I am such a disturbed individual that I am doing fantasy baseball mock drafts in early January. And, I am writing about them. And, well, I just wanted to start another sentence with and because it feels so wrong but so right at the same time. Anyway, moving on.

I was fortunate enough to be invited to the Couch Managers 2017 Industry Mock Draft, and we’re going to recap it here. This mock was for a 15-team, 5×5 roto, with 23 roster spots made up of 9 pitchers (9), 1 spot for each position (8), a second catcher (1), 2 more outfielders (2), one corner infielder (1), one middle infielder (1), and one utility position (1). As long as I did that math correctly, that is 23 spots.

Below, I will provide the results for the first six rounds and a give my thoughts for each round. I’ll do the same for rounds 7-12, 13-18, and 19-23 in subsequent posts. I’ll try to keep it brief. All we really care about are the results here, right? Feel free to tell me how awesome or crappy you think my team is, along with what you think were the best and worst picks of the draft or the different rounds…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Imagine the Cubs decided to use Lester, Hendricks, Hammel and Lackey in the playoffs, and not Jake Arrieta.  Not sure it would be the wrong move either.  Arrieta isn’t just out of gas, he’s on a late-70s gas station line, cursing Jimmy Carter.  He’s eaten six Chalupas and a Pintos ‘n Cheese from Taco Bell, washed it down with a 16-ounce Coke, and can’t produce any gas.  He’s staying at a Marriott in Saudi Arabia where OPEC is meeting and all hotel guests get a complimentary barrel of petroleum and Arrieta can’t produce any gas.  Yesterday, Arrieta went 5 IP, 7 ER and his ERA went up to 3.10.  About five months ago, I said Arrieta doesn’t look right.  I said it around the time of his no-hitter.  That took some pants grapes.  What’s funny (not funny) when you’re super early at calling something out, people write you off as cuckoo in the coconut.  On April 29th, I said, “It’s hard to find a positive when you take this year’s numbers vs. last year’s (of Arrieta).  Velocity is down, K-rate is down, walk rate is up, xFIP is up, luck is up, homers are up, ground balls are down and fly balls are up.  It’s like looking under a Maserati’s hood and seeing a Mercedes engine.  It’s not bad, but it’s not a Maserati.”  And that’s me quoting me!  On May 9th, I said, “Not to sound like a broken record, but his peripherals just haven’t been as good as last year thus far.”  And that’s me quoting me sounding like a broken record!  I continued to say more or less the same for a few months, then SUDDENLY everyone else started saying it.  For 2017, I picture Arrieta being drafted a lot like Felix Hernandez in the preseason this year.  People are concerned, but he’s so good, they’re still drafting Arrieta around 60th overall.  Yeah, and it won’t work out either.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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Monday Night Football is kicking off tonight, so the smart money is going to be on the baseball side. I love the NFL, but for tonight let’s Fuhgeddaboudit and focus on the easy money. I know Mike Foltynewicz, $9,600 isn’t Italian, but if I was in a pinch and needed someone to whack a lineup, I’d feel confident I could call on Folty to get it done tonight. He’s at home facing the Marlins who have dropped 6 of their last 9 games and he looks like he solved the control issues that plagued him earlier this season, as he’s only walked 7 over his last 5 starts. Not only has he limited his walks, but he’s also missing bats with 31 Ks over the last 30 innings. Hotlanta has been pretty cold as of late, but I think they’ll turn things around against Andrew Cashner and help our boy Folty to a W. I’m going to be pairing Folty with my old pal Puke Soup aka, Jeff Samardzija, $10,600 vs our favorite Monday night opponent, the San Diego Padres. I know he’s been inconsistent all season, but I love the home matchup and there’s something about seeing all those jumbled letters in my lineup that makes sense tonight. It’s definitely a risky play, but he threw a gem in Colorado on Tuesday going 7 innings with 9 Ks and 1 ER. Now that we’ve rostered the best Scrabble duo ever in DraftKings history let’s take a look at who we can matchup on the offensive side.

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run today to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. Wanna know what the best part is about signing up with us? The free subscription for the rest of the season to our DFSBot, that’s what! For details on the how to, please visit our Razzball Subscriptions page.

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I went over some September call-ups primer yesterday.  It was written pretty smoothly.  Meaning:  I took a laxative and crapped out a post.  I’m a modest man of modest means.  What can I say?  Everyone wants Yoan Moncada all over their fantasy shizz.  Some of y’all got Tom Murphy on the brain.  Others of you are wondering about Jose De Leon and how his great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-uncle’s quest for the Fountain of Youth was shorter than the time it took the Dodgers to call Jose up.  None of you are interested in Byron Buxton.  Been there, eff that.  I hear you, prematurely balding internet friend.  He’s all served us a steak that later turned out to be tofu that left us scrubbing our tongues with our fingernails.  All the way back in March, Buxton was still considered a sure-fire, can’t miss prospect.  I think he still is.  Not everyone takes the path of least resistance.  For unstints, I saw a video of a McNugget on Twitter that showed much resistance.  Yesterday, Buxton went 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and I would grab him in all leagues looking for A) Spark. B) Speed. C) No C.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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Ohhhhh, an MLB debut on Sunday!  Perfect for the Pitcher Profile!  Starting the second half with a bang!

Even though he was likely not throwing too many pitches, I decided to take a flier on Dylan Bundy in most of my redraft leagues.  He was the talk of the prospect community way back in 2012 where he terrorized the Minors and actually picked up 1.2 innings in the Majors that season, progressing all the way from A ball.  Unfortunately, as is the case with a ton of pitcher prospects, injuries reared their ugly head with a TJ surgery and shoulder issues, and he hasn’t pitched 100 professional innings since.  I remember going coocoo for Cocoa Puffs for him back in the day, so I was all decked out in my proverbial Bundy gear to prepare for his first Major League start.  Here’s how he looked yesterday afternoon at the Rays:

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Did you enjoy your time away from DFS during the All Star Break?  It’s time to pull yourself away from wandering into traffic to catch Pokemon and back to grinding out DFS wins.  The time off is a good time to look back and see what has worked and what hasn’t worked so far this season.  Have you been withdrawing like a baller?  Then keep on doing what you do.  If you’ve been bleeding money to the sharks though, it’s time to take a step back and evaluate the process.  Try something different for a few weeks and see if results improve.  It’s really hard in this game to know what changes are making a positive impact on results and what can just be chalked up to variance.  For example, I had a great April and May, followed by one of my worst months I can remember in June.  Nothing changed, in fact, it’s the same process I’ve used for the past three successful DFS seasons.  July has been a bounce back, but the point is; sometimes, you just go cold.  Try not to panic too much and watch that bankroll.  Bankroll management is a HUGE part of long term success in this game and that might be the most important part of the process to nail down.  Don’t get too high after a win and suddenly start playing in $100 tournaments.  You should scale back after a string of losses until you get off the schnide though.  It’s not an exact science, but we’re here to help if you have any questions.  Enough jibber-jabber, let’s get into the picks for Saturday’s slate of games and help you start off the second half with a win:

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run Monday July 18th to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

*nervous finger tap*  How many days without baseball?  So, I can close my fantasy baseball team browser window without missing anything?  Okay.  *throws computer out window*  What?  Was there another way to close my fantasy team page?  I hadn’t in so long I forgot.  What do you mean I can go outside without worrying about missing anything in baseball?  But there’s real people out there!  I’m staying right here, thank you very much!  So, we’re headed to the break, but Craig Kimbrel just has a tear, no break. He hit the DL with a medial meniscus tear in his knee.  Oddly enough, a remedial mend-iscus Band-Aid is not used to fix this.  I think you messed up modern medicine, but I’ll reserve judgment.  This will sideline Kimbrel for about four weeks.  In his place will be Koji Uehara.  Koji is famous for his food truck and 41-year-old junk pitches.  The newly-acquired Brad Ziegler, who should put a Z like Zorro on the mound after every strikeout, will back up Uehara, because Ziegler’s kinda bleh (1.40+ WHIP, 6-ish K/9) and Koji’s been in Boston a while.  Since Boston’s colors are red, they should call him Scarlett Uehara.  As for over in Arizona, I agree with Dan Pants in Saturday’s roundup.  The non-Yankee Clippard is the one to own.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?