Fantasy Baseball Advice

All the final 2009 fantasy baseball rankings for hitters has been done. For those that skipped the title, today starts the top 20 starters for 2009 fantasy baseball. This is NOT for 2010 (caps for those still wearing their Final Destination 3-D glasses). This is a recap. Will these effect next year’s rankings, sure. But not entirely. (Note: These rankings are from ESPN’s Player Rater. It’s just an objective third party to fairly gauge my preseason rankings. Does this mean I think ESPN’s Player Rater is perfect? No. For one, it weighs Wins very heavily.) Anyway, here’s the top 20 starters for 2009 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

1. Zack Greinke – I’m sure Rudy will cover this at some point in the offseason, but let’s get it out of the way right off the bat.   Greinke showed up on the Risky pitcher post in the preseason.  I count 13 of the 20 pitchers Rudy flagged that did run into troubles in 2009, so I think we can agree it wasn’t an abomination.  The concern with the high pitch count in 2008 for Greinke turned out to be nothing.  Everything was roses.  Red luscious roses like Rip Taylor’s intern tosses at his feet.  Two months under a .55 ERA, more than a K/IP on the year, next to no walks and he didn’t need to talk to the ball between hitters.  Preseason Rank #42, 2009 Projections:  9-7/4.10/1.30/130, Final Numbers:  16-8/2.16/1.07/242

2. Tim Lincecum – A few weeks ago, someone in the comments said Tim Lincecum’s mullet makes him look like someone Ellen DeGeneres should be dating.  It’s funny because it’s true.  Preseason Rank #2, 2009 Projections:  17-8/3.00/1.18/210, Final Numbers:  15-7/2.48/1.05/261

3. Felix Hernandez – To stick with the Ellen theme, F-Her headed the preseason tier I named, “Guys I’m Kinda Gay For.”  Wainwright was also in that tier.  Luckily, I grabbed Hernandez in one league and Wainwright in just about every other league.  F-Her had one bad month (May; 4.34 ERA), topped 200 Ks, a 1.99 ERA in Away starts, a .603 OPS against and 19 wins.  This is about this year, but, I’ll say it, I love him for next year, too.  And, for some reason, I think he’s underrated.  Preseason Rank #21, 2009 Projections:  13-9/3.85/1.33/190, Final Numbers:  19-5/2.49/1.14/217

4. Javier Vazquez – In the preseason, CHONE drooled over Vazquez.  Lots of people disagreed.  CHONE 1, Lots of People Who Disagreed 0.  My abridged comments in the preseason were, “Besides having a last name that would be great for Scrabble, I like him.”  At 33, it was hard to imagine Vazquez having a career year, but that was exactly what he did.  Preseason Rank #34, 2009 Projections:  15-8/4.15/1.25/200, Final Numbers:  15-10/2.87/1.03/238

5. Dan Haren – In the preseason, I said, “Here’s the first pitcher (in the top ten) that I have a legitimate shot at owning in leagues in 2009.   Wins aside, guess who had more value in 2008, Haren or Webb?  Obviously I’m asking the question because it’s Haren.  He beat Webb in WHIP and Ks and practically tied him in ERA.”  And that’s me quoting me!  I did end owning him and he pitched predictably terrific in the 1st half and just-above mediocre in the 2nd half.  Preseason Rank #7, 2009 Projections:  16-7/3.40/1.15/195, Final Numbers:  14-10/3.14/1.00/223

6. Chris Carpenter – Not going to claim I saw this season coming at all.  I always thought Carpenter was a great pitcher, but, frankly, I was worried about him coming off the injury season.  I preached caution; I should’ve preached to ignore me.  Preseason Rank #59, 2009 Projections:  9-5/3.70/1.27/110, Final Numbers:  17-4/2.24/1.01/144

7. Roy Halladay – In 2008, Halladay had a 2.78 ERA and 206 Ks.  This year, 2.79 and 208.  If I had to boil down fantasy baseball success, I’d say you want predictability + upside.  Considering most starters are like shooting fish in a barrel that has no fish in it, Halladay brings a sense of predictability that isn’t easily found.  Preseason Rank #8, 2009 Projections:  16-6/3.50/1.10/165, Final Numbers:  17-10/2.79/1.13/208

8. Adam Wainwright – Had some control problems early in the season, but he straightened those out in a big way in the 2nd half (97/18 K/BB).  Yes, he made Rufus and me very happy this year.  Preseason Rank #23, 2009 Projections:  13-7/3.60/1.20/150, Final Numbers:  19-8/2.63/1.21/212

9. Justin Verlander – With his 2nd season in a row of poor April numbers, it’s fair to say Verlander takes some time to start cooking.  I guess when you rely on a 98 MPH fastball, the warm weather helps the, uh, heat.  Preseason Rank #41, 2009 Projections:  15-9/4.00/1.30/160, Final Numbers:  19-9/3.45/1.18/269

10. CC Sabathia – When you see his ERA went up in 2009 compared to 2008, it’s easy to say he couldn’t handle The Jetstream.  Alas, you’re wrong, doode.  He had a 3.17 ERA at home compared to 3.53 on the road.  It’s all about the home cooking (and eating).  Preseason Rank #4, 2009 Projections:  18-7/3.20/1.10/200, Final Numbers:  19-8/3.37/1.15/197

11. Josh Johnson – Throw out his final start of the season when he may or may not have been suffering from an illness and his ERA would’ve been 3.03.  BTW, don’t you love how ESPN and Yahoo put a guy’s condition in parenthesis in their player card news?  I wish everyone had player cards.  “Last night, Grey grabbed a burger (hungry) then tried to have sex with his girlfriend (headache).”  Preseason Rank #39, 2009 Projections:  13-6/3.75/1.32/140, Final Numbers:  15-5/3.23/1.16/191

12. Matt Cain – Cain was a strange case for me.  (Prepare yourselves for the longest run-on sentence in history.  You may need an oxygen mask.)  I loved Cain coming into the season, ended up drafting him in a few leagues, he got off to an incredible start, I wrote repeatedly on the blog about how his numbers were supposed to regress, so no one would trade for him in any of my leagues because of what I wrote or because they read something similar elsewhere, the more I tried to trade him the better he pitched, then I stopped trying to trade him and he finally regressed in September (5.22 ERA).  Preseason Rank #32, 2009 Projections:  14-10/3.35/1.26/200, Final Numbers:  14-8/2.89/1.18/171

13. Jair Jurrjens – Not that I’m against Jar-Jar, but his K-rate does bore me a bit.  Preseason Rank #48, 2009 Projections:  12-8/3.75/1.35/150, Final Numbers:  14-10/2.60/1.21/152

14. Jon Lester – He had the tale of two seasons.  It (June on) was the best of times, it (April/May) was the worst of times…  If you jumped on his coattails in June when I advised you to, you did pretty good.  Preseason Rank #27, 2009 Projections:  15-7/4.00/1.30/150, Final Numbers:  15-8/3.41/1.23/225

15. Wandy Rodriguez – Hmm… What’s this, snitches? Yup.  Preseason Rank #42, 2009 Projections:  10-7/3.75/1.30/160, Final Numbers:  14-12/3.02/1.24/193

16. Ted Lilly – I avoided Lilly in all of my drafts to my detriment.  But, honestly, when you have F-Her, Haren, Cain, Wainwright, Wandy and Wolf in 90% of your starting spots on your teams, you’re doing okay.  I’ll repeat it ad nauseam in the preseason, but you don’t have to draft pitching early to compete.  The only league I drafted a top pitcher, I took Peavy.  And we know how that worked out.  Preseason Rank #44, 2009 Projections:  12-10/4.30/1.25/160, Final Numbers:  12-9/3.10/1.06/151

17. Randy Wolf – In a 15 team league (that’s deep, ya’ll), I grabbed Wolf off of waivers.  In my 16 team league, I took Wolf in one of my last picks.  Chances are Wolf was not drafted in your leagues, which makes me think Wolf was one of the best value pitching picks off of waivers.  I like Wolf and Wolf Like Me, TV on the Radio.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  11-7/3.23/1.10/160

18. Josh Beckett – My preseason AL Cy Young pick didn’t fair that terrible, but he’s definitely not winning the award.  The odd thing is my preseason predictions for his numbers weren’t very far off.  Just turned out there were a lot of great pitchers in 2009.  As Jessica Shaw would say, steroids out, pitching and speed in.  Preseason Rank #10, 2009 Projections:  16-10/3.75/1.20/175, Final Numbers:  17-6/3.86/1.19/199

19. Ubaldo Jimenez – Chances are if you owned Ubaldo, you picked him up sometime in May or June after his 7.58 ERA April.  So his numbers are even sweeter in your Active stats.  Preseason Rank #49, 2009 Projections:  10-8/4.20/1.40/165, Final Numbers:  15-12/3.47/1.23/198

20. Cliff Lee – The Adverb moved to the NL and his ERA went up.  Weird!  Guess it’s because the Phillies play in a stadium smaller than a jai lai fronton.  Somewhere in Aruba, J.P. Ricciardi dials his phone.  “Hey, Halladay… You’re welcome!”  Preseason Rank #17, 2009 Projections:  15-10/3.75/1.22/150, Final Numbers:  14-13/3.22/1.24/181

The Flying Molina Brother, who likes his seconds, is dealing with a sore quad (only one, not four – weird!).  So the Giants called up Buster Posey yesterday.  Well, ain’t that a kick in the shin pads?  He wasn’t supposed to get the call and I don’t think he sees much time this year to make a difference in one year leagues.  It’s keepers where you wanna grab him immediately.  Sabean’s already said Fat Molina is on his way out of The Bay after this season.  Buster Posey should get every opportunity to win the job in spring training of 2010.  I wouldn’t expect anything, but he’s capable of 14 homers and a .300 average if he gets the job from jump street.  In the non-perverse way, I’ll touch on him many more times during the offseason.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Wade Davis – Being called up to start Sunday vs. the Yanks. Davis is a decent flier for AL-Only leagues and deep mixed ones.  I wouldn’t expect more than a 4.50 ERA and 7 K/9 the rest of the way, and vs. the Yanks isn’t a great one to begin with.  Literally.  He was broken down in detail here. –> Wade Davis Fantasy <– There

Jake Peavy – Chances of him pitching this year have gone from slim to anorexic.

Michael Young – Out at least two weeks.  I’d drop him in leagues where space is limited and you can’t fit any more overhead, useless baggage.

Joe Nathan – 2/3 IP, 4 ER as Kevin Gregg chloroformed Nathan pre-game and did the ol’ switcheroo.

Brian Duensing – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 Ks.  Scroll down to yesterday’s roundup and read what I wrote about Manship.  Same applies.  Go ahead, scroll.  Just moving your eyes down isn’t going to work.  You need to scroll.  Oh, forget it.

Gordon Beckham – HR yesterday.  Now has back-to-back games with homers.  Also, he hasn’t recorded more than two hits in a game in two weeks.  Adam Dunn throws him his jersey, “I like your style, kid.”

Drew Stubbs – HR yesterday.  This is actually kinda comical.  Not a funny comical, but more like “This is worse than watching Eyes Wide Shut on basic cable” painfully comical.  I grabbed Stubbs in leagues where I don’t need power but need steals.  He’s hit three homers in the last four games.  It’s like ten thousand spoons and all you need is a knife.

Carlos Marmol – No Cuddle Boy here as he continues to convert the saves he’s getting.

Adam Jones – Close the curtains on the hot box, Jones looks like he’s done for the season.  Grab Felix Pie! (<–last reminder until tomorrow)

Kevin Correia – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 Ks.  In Petco vs. the Nats B lineup.  What does a Nats B lineup consist of, you ask.  Ryan Zimmerman defected in his pants and Riggleman hung it up as his lineup card.  Pete Orr hit 5th (.245 in Triple-A) and Justin Maxwell (.242 in Triple-A), Willie Harris (.222 in majors) and Jorge Padilla (Latin 30) in the outfield.   Razztastic!

Jim Johnson – Zero innings, 5 ER.  Kazaam!

Nolan Reimold – 5 for his last 7 with a homer yesterday.  I’m watching to see if he gets hot, so you don’t have to.  You’re welcome.

Rick Porcello – 7 IP, 2 ER in just 80 pitches.  Tigers are watching his innings and he can/should be shutdown any day now.

Mariano Rivera – Day-to-day with a strained groin.  That was my story from ages 13-19.

Josh Hamilton – Has dealt with back pain before and yesterday he had a relapse.  What, bad choice of words?  He says he’ll return on Friday.

Brad Penny – 8 IP, 0 ER.  After the game, he was seen talking to Cliff Lee.  They high-fived, saying, “NL!”

Josh Beckett – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 Ks.  Actually, not a terrible start.  Sure, you expect more from Beckett, but I’d take 9 Ks in 6 innings every day of the week and twice of Muesday.

Carl Crawford – HR yesterday.  Hitting .311, 13 homers and 55 steals.  Great, terrific, wonderful!  I’ll go into it more in the offseason, but I think he’s going to be overvalued in 2010.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 8 IP, 2 ER.  Oh, and he’s a Cy Young contender.  Zoinks!

Franklin Morales/Huston Street/Rafael Betancourt – Morales notched the save for the Rockies.  Was just a case of Street being used too much…. For the last five months.  Huston Street has bicep(s) tendinitis.  UPDATE:  Rockies are saying Morales will be the closer.

Felix Hernandez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 Ks vs. the Angels.  F-Her strong, but not in the Big A.

Scott Kazmir – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 Ks.  If you can’t get traded to the NL, the AL West isn’t a terrible consolation.

Garrett Jones – Another homer yesterday for Robot Jones.  Compliments of frequent commenter, Mgeoffriau, “In honor of Isaac Asimov, Will Smith, and Tom Brady’s ex, I present the 3 Laws of Robot Jones:

(1) Robot Jones must always hit home runs.
(2) Robot Jones must always steal more bases than expected.
(3) Robot Jones must always talk in a creepifying, flat tone that reminds everyone that you can’t trust a robot.

The Sox are a bunch of homewreckers.  First they split of the LaRoche brothers then they break up the Duncan father/son combo in St. Louis.  Not good news for the softball team managed by Bob Boone with Bret and Aaron Boone on it.  Yesterday, the Red Sox acquired Adam LaRoche from the Pirates.  This hurts LaRoche’s value a bit, but he was kinda hurting his value on his own.  He’ll see time against righties, pushing Lowell to the bench in favor of Youkilis.  It’s doubtful Youuuuuuk will see a reduction in time other than the occasional day off.  This hurts Lowell’s value as well, but his old man hip was doing that already.  Since LaRoche will see time against the stronger half of the platoon and he’s a 2nd half hitter, he’s still worth owning in deep leagues, but you’ll need a backup for when he sits.  Meanwhile, the Pirates are that team in your keeper league that can barely field a team but they keep saying, “Wait til next year.”  So who plays 1st for the Pirates?  Jones?  Call up Pearce?  Sid “The Dream” Bream?  My guess is they’d stick with Garrett “I Need A Nickname” Jones and maybe call up Pearce in a month or so and give him some ABs.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Garrett Jones – 3-for-4, HR yesterday.  He’s now batting third for the Pirates and has 9 homers in about three games (and 11 RBIs).  I hate to be the buzzkill to your Jonesing, but he will cool off.  If you need a piece, no time like the present to trade him.

Ryan Doumit – 2 HRs yesterday.  Days like these make you glad you stashed him on your DL for three months.

Paul Maholm – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  Only thing worse than a Pirates starter is one who throws a gem last time out then gets pounded.

Casey McGehee – HR yesterday as Felipe sat out with a sore hammy.  McGehee’s got spunk, but no playing time kinda hurts that.

Adam Jones – HR yesterday.  2nd homer since the All-Star break.  He’s not sure where he lost his stroke in June (maybe by the Doritos), but it looks like he’s found it.

Chris Duncan – Cards decided he didn’t look right with a ’stache so he was traded to the Sawx for Julio Lugo.  At best, Duncan won’t be anything but a bench player.  I imagine Francona will use him to pinch hit to get the opposing teams to bring in a lefty, then he’ll pull Duncan and put in a righty hitter for the ol’ switcheroo.

Julio Lugo – Julio Lugubrious is not worth owning in any league.

Clay Buchholz – 4 IP, 3 ER.  Well, that could’ve went better.  I’d start him next time out vs. the A’s, then depending on how that goes we might need to reevaluate.

Nelson Cruz – 2-for-2, 2 SBs.  Guess all his fractured finger needed was two days of rest.  I’d like to see him hit a homer before I call him “all better,” but it’s a step in the right direction.

Brad Lidge – 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  Kazaam!

Miguel Montero – Few hitters are hotter right now.  Yunel Escobar is another one.  Oddly, they both hit three-run homers yesterday.

Justin Upton – 0-for-3, not many colder hitters right now and I saw him limping in the game yesterday.  Gracie believed it was a tweaked back.  I’m not 100% sure, but it’s not going to help him kick this slump.

Tim Lincecum – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 Ks.  I don’t usually watch games of A) Pitchers I don’t own B) Pitchers that are not available anywhere C) There’s no C.  But I watched Lincecum pitch yesterday.  Jurrjens didn’t outpitch him (7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 Ks) as much as the Braves outhit the Giants.  (BTW, Five days ago, Matthew Berry said re: Pablo Sandoval, “The Giants have a better team than folks think these days…” If anyone can figure out how a team with the major league worst OBP and 2nd worst OPS is better than people think, I’d love to hear it.  I’m guessing they’re worst than he realizes, but that’s me.)

Russell Branyan – Continues his march towards the most homers while going 1-for-4.

Felix Hernandez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 Ks and won his 11th game.  F-Her is having one of those years where the run support is falling just right.

Mark DeRosa – Hit another homer and the Cards lost again.  Stop hitting homers!

Bobby Jenks – Ozzie said Jenks is his closer and quote, “…if people don’t want him to be my closer, don’t come to the God damn game.”  He then let Matt Thornton save the White Sox victory on Wednesday.  I think because he brought Thornton in in the 8th, Ozzie thought he technically wasn’t lying.

Bronson Arroyo – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 8 Ks.  Ugly end result, but he gets the Padres next time out.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 Ks.  I wouldn’t have started him at home, but guess where he pitches next?  Metco!

Joe Mauer – 0-for-3.  I told you to trade him on May 22nd.  Since June 1st, he has 4 homers and a .329 average.  Miguel Montero’s outhitting that.

Chris Tillman – Supposedly going to get the call next week.  Here’s Chris Tillman’s fantasy breakdown from Scouting the Unknown.  For those too lazy to click-through, his K rate alone warrants a pick up.

Brandon Inge – Has a partially torn knee cap and says it’s excruciating.  But no fear, he also said this, “”How would I come out (of the lineup with) the race this close and for the fans of Detroit and the fans of Michigan going through what they’re going through with economics?”  You fantasy owners can thank Little Timmy, who told Inge this, “Gee whiz, Mister, since Pops fell between dem gears at the fac’try, Maw and the 8 of us kids have been hopin’ the ballteam could pull one out and give us somethin’ to believe in!”

Tony Bernazard – Former White Sox middle infielder and current Mets scout challenged the entire Double-A Binghamton Mets team to a fight.  And you thought Ozzie was the only crazy 80’s White Sox MI?  The best part was when the players started snapping their fingers while Bernazard and a prospect circled one another.  When you’re a Met, you’re a Met for life…

In a tie game, Cito Gaston brought in his closer, Scott Downs, to work the bottom of the ninth.  Downs did that, then the Blue Jays scored five runs in the top of the 10th.  So with the game in the bag, Gaston removed Downs for a pinch hitter, right?  Nah, that’s what a normal person operating heavy machinery would’ve done.  Gaston let Downs hit.  Okay, so he told Downs to take three strikes, right?  No point in swinging up by five, right?  Nah, you’re thinking too logical here.  Downs grounded out to shortstop, injurying himself on the way to first.  If I were Downs, I’d rip Gaston a new one on his LinkedIn profile.  Jason Frasor or B.J. Ryan gets dibs on the closer job if Downs goes to the DL.  Probably Frasor, but knowing the fascination the Jays have with Ryan getting the job back, I’m not sure.  Ryan has pitched 5 scoreless in June.  I grabbed them both where I could.  Thankfully, Downs beat gout in like three days two years ago, so hopefully he can bounce right back.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Joey Votto – He took batting practice yesterday and is only days away now.  We shall see, assuming we’re not dizzy.

CC Sabathia – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Only blemish was a gopher ball to Anderson Hernandez, but there’s no shame in that.  Hernandez already had one homer back in 2006.

Robinson Cano – 4-for-4 with two ribbies.  BTW, if you owned a major league team, wouldn’t you serve ribbies?

Chris Young – Headed to the Disgraceful List.  I wonder (aloud as it were) if the Padres will promote Mat Latos (No, that’s not an island in Indonesia).  As the Old Dirty Bastard once said, Latos is raw, but he does have 34 Ks in 28 innings in Double A.

Wandy Rodriguez – 4 IP, 6 ER.  Ouch… Sorry, what?  Ouch… Wandy, stop taking without asking.

Nick Markakis – Sparkakis!

Chris Volstad – 3 2/3 IP, 8 ER.  This was a terrible matchup.  Some guys you just need to bench against American League teams.  I’m looking at you, Wandy.

Yovani Gallardo – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 Ks, 11 baserunners.  I’ll be gladardo when he’s back to facing weak National League teams too.

Casey McGehee – Before leaving the game with knee soreness, he went 0-for-4, which is not good enough for me and my Casey McGehee.

Mike MacDougal – A closer used in non-save situation would be a Kazaam!, but, well, MacDougal entered a non-save situation in the 8th inning.  Right now I believe Acta is treating his managing like Seniors in the last semester of High School.  He’s gonna be gone soon, doesn’t really matter what he does.

Jayson Werth – HR yesterday.  For full disclosure, I don’t own Werth in any league, so I wasn’t sure what he was currently doing.  He’s 10/10/.261.  This is exactly his *pinkie to mouth* worth.  20/20, .260 to .275, 100 Runs, 90 RBIs.  Bingo-bango!

Felix Hernandez – Two hitter.  Then there’s the AL pitchers who get to face NL teams.  Ah, yes, F-Her and the Padres. (Welcome, Googlers who were looking for info on that Miami priest.)

Dallas Braden – 6 IP, 2 ER.  Okay, Peavy is going to miss about 20 starts so this is one decent filled in start.  Only 19 more to go.

Jed Lowrie – Out on a rehab assignment and, barring any setbacks, could be a week or two away.  I have him stashed in a deep league. He’ll be put right back into the starting spot when he returns.

John Smoltz – Will return on Thursday to face the Nats.  I’d like to see Glavine and Maddux show up at the game wearing Nats jerseys.

David Ortiz – Hit another homer.  I haven’t seen any of homers this year, but this is the scene I’m picturing.  Count goes to 0-2… The ump takes Ortiz’s arm and lifts it.  Right before his arm falls back down, which will signal that he’s done, he reaches into his trunks and pulls out his eyedrops.  Drop in each eye as the crowd goes crazy.  Boom!  Home run as The Iron Shiek wonders how he got pinned.

Sean O’Sullivan – 7 IP, 1 ER.  Terrific debut for the Angels pitcher.  If you pick him up, you’re an O’Sucker.

Maicer Izturis – Yesterday, he hit his first homer in over a year.  So sick of taking DNPs from Julio Lugo in one deep league that I grabbed Izturis for one game.  Maicer!  What goes on?  Maicer!

Mike Napoli – 4-for-5, 9th homer and 3 RBIs.  About the catcher position, Ron Popeil says, “Set it and forget it.”

Joe Mauer – 4-for-4 and batting .429 on the year with 13 homers.  That would’ve been a good season for some guys.  Ty Cobb, for instance.

Ian Kinsler – 2 HRs.  You’ll take his 130 games and like it.

David Murphy – HR yesterday.  Sonavabench!  Murphy, you’re not even supposed to be starting against lefties.  What are you doing to me?  Why do bring agita to Grey?

Frank Francisco – After throwing yesterday, he said he felt like, “Money.”  If you’re not sure if that’s good or bad in a recession, it’s good.  He’ll be back in less than two weeks.

Jorge De La Rosa – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  To think at one time he seemed usable.  Rosa de la muertes.

Gil Meche – Shutout and he gets the Cards next.  Thank you, come again.

Mark Teahen – 3-for-4 night and batting .412 in his last 7 with a homer and a steal.  He’s batting 8th.  Callaspo and his .300 average?  7th.   Meanwhile, DeJesus bats 1st with a .240 average.  Can someone turn Trey Hillman’s lineup card upside down?

Nyjer Morgan – First homer since 2007, check him for eyedrops!

Justin Verlander – 4 IP, 5 ER vs. the Cards.  Wha’ happened?  This was a gimme.  Hopefully this isn’t like Groundhog’s Day with Verlander seeing Pujols’s shadow and now there’s going to be another two weeks of April starts.

Ben Zobrist – Did The Amazing Zobrist make another ball disappear?  Let me ask you this, did the Rays play?

Mike Hampton – To the DL with a strained groin.  This’ll hurt those leagues that only use Astros pitchers whose last name start with Hampton.

Ivan Rodriguez – HR yesterday as he tied the most games caught record.  In related news, Sammy Sosa was busted for a PED.  I think my 1998 Fantasy Baseball title now has an asterisk.

Lemonade was a popular drink and it still is, the Rangers could only get one hit against Willis.  That’s right, Dwyck.  Dontrelle Willis went six and one-third, allowing only three baserunners and K’ing five.  The Rangers came into the game hitting lefties extremely well (.291) with Kinsler at .460 and Michael Young at .372.  So let’s all get jazzamatazzed, right?  Well, I don’t hold the same excitement.  His story definitely has the Lubitsch touch, but his last start was four earned in four and two-thirds against the Twins.  Dontrelle’s opponents will be tough, his recent history has been extremely poor and a 5/4 K/BB is poor.  There’s got to be at least a half dozen guys better on your waivers to take a chance on.  Let someone else buy a ticket for the D-Train.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

James Shields – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, zero run support.  If only they batted Sonnanstine third…

Josh Outman – 6 IP, 4 baserunners, 0 ER, 6 Ks.   His Ks are solid, but he walks too many guys and right now he’s getting a bit lucky with how many guys he’s leaving on base.  Then throw in the fact that he pitches for the A’s and their A’nemic offense.  Outman shouldn’t be in, man, outside of AL-Only leagues.

Shairon Martis – 6 IP, 5 ER.  Yeah, should’ve known better than to trust a Nats pitcher.  I’d love to say stick with him, but I don’t trust him enough; his walks are too ugly.  He may be 5-0 on the year, but he could be 5-5 by July.

Elijah Dukes – To the DL with a strained hamstring.  So far the Bowden Fluffers have appropriately sucked.

Orlando Hudson – Day-to-day with a bruised shoulder.  Isn’t that Osso Bucco?  Or is that braised?

J.A. Happ – I know a J.T.  Hagman was a J.R.  The Braves have a G.A.  But J.A.?  Those initials don’t go together.  They’re like N.G.  He’s replacing Chan No in the rotation and I like him in 12 team or deeper for match-ups.  This Saturday against the Yanks isn’t a great one though.

Gerardo Parra – 2-for-4 and hitting well since call-up.  Sometimes guys just breakout for no good reason.  Parra’s got room to play if he’s hot.  Could be what Fowler looked like in April.

Stephen Drew – 0-for-3, batting .203 on the seaosn.  It sure would be nice if he turned it on because the ‘Backs desperately want to believe in him as they bat him second, third and fourth on most nights.

Matt Palmer – 5 IP, 5 ER as he went to 5-0.  Matt Palmer?  Seriously?  Who’s he, a soap opera actor?

Josh Johnson – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER.  Surreal how poorly my Win Karma is this year.  Johnson was bested by Jon Garland, who has more Wins on the season than him too.  Do I need to do some Angel Heart voodoo shizz?  A Jobu doll?  Matt Palmer?  Please, send me a signal.  Throw me a line.

Kelly Johnson – 3-for-4 with a steal as he batted in the six hole.  A) Johnson’s a streaky hitter. B) He claims to prefer hitting lower in the order. C) There’s no C.

Ian Stewart – 0-for-4 with three Ks.  It helps that Atkins has been dreadful, but Stewart needs to make it count.

Nolan Reimold – 1-for-3 and batting an empty .250.  Same dealio as Stewart.  He has the chance, but he needs to do something with it.

Adam Jones – When the Orioles emerged from their clubhouse, there was a huge cloud of smoke as Jones returned to the lineup.

Joe Mauer – 7th homer of the year.  Obviously, he’s a cyborg.  Or stole Soto’s soul.

Pedro Feliz – 9 for his last 18.  Currently on one of those Happy streaks.

Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 4 ER.  Not his best start of the year.  The glass half-filled with Cueto Kool-Aid points out he didn’t walk anyone.  Glass half-empty, he gave up two homers.

Colby Rasmus – Has hit two homers in two nights, three homers in the last five games and he had one homer rained out the other day.  Now if he can string together more than one hit in a game, we’ll be all set.

Rick Ankiel – Set to return.  If he’s on waivers anywhere because of an impatient owner, he’s worth a pickup.  Remember Ankiel wasn’t exactly lighting the world on fire when he was playing, so don’t get overzealous with who you drop.

Scott Baker – 5 IP, 4 ER.  And this came against the White Sox who have been scuffling for runs.  I think he’s headed back to the Disgraceful List.

Felix Hernandez – F-Her in the Big A and it didn’t work out well as he allowed 6 runs in 5 and two-thirds.

Barry Zito – 8 IP, 2 ER.  I admit it, I started him last night.  And I will again in his next start against the M’s.  From there, I’ll reevaluate.

Scott Hairston – HR yesterday as he went 2-for-2 and batted third.  I almost picked him up on Monday, but I was banking on a lot of steals against Chris Young and played speed heavy. (I came out with Nadir Bupkis.)

Bill Hall – H.A. double hockey sticks started at 3rd and went 1-for-4 with two Ks as Gamel combed his hair on the bench.

Kerry Wood – 4 earned runs as he blew… the save.  If there was anyone in the Indians bullpen worth owning, I’d say grab him, but alas there’s not.

Brian Bannister – 6 IP, 5 ER.  There’s the Bannister we know and don’t love.

Casey Blake – Hit his ninth homer yesterday and is batting .283 with 26 RBIs.  He’s out-hitting a lot of cornermen right now.

Noah Lowry – Scheduled to undergo surgery this week to have a rib removed from his left side. I know I’m not ordering the prime rib at Lawry’s any time soon.  Also, if I was Joe Nathan, I’d be very careful.