Maybe it’s because Whip/Nae Nae is permanently stuck in my head — One word of advice. If you take no other advice from me, please, I implore you, accept this advice. If you don’t know what Whip/Nae Nae is, don’t, under any circumstances, Google it. It make Gangnam Style seem like a walk in the park when it comes to catchy songs. If you don’t know what Gangnam Style is, I love how you’ve decorated under that rock of yours. — but I can’t help looking at Jake Arrieta‘s no hitter less about the 12 Ks and only allowing one walk — Sure, those are sweet — but more about how his season WHIP is 0.94. There’s Greinke (.85 WHIP), Kershaw (.90), Scherzer (.93) and deGrom (.94). An under one WHIP and a 9+ K/9 is a little piece of heaven like sitting in an exit row of an airplane. On the podcast that’s coming later today, I debate Greinke and Arrieta, Scherzer and Arrieta and deGrom and Arrieta as we try to figure out where they’ll be ranked in 2016. I say something like Arrieta will be ranked around the 4th to about the 7th SP off the board. I agree with Early Sunday Afternoon Grey, but I will say that Arrieta has made it difficult for me to think of four SPs that should be drafted before him. Let alone six. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Javier Baez – Cubs (team, not the animals) annouced Baez would be in the first round of callups. Javier na gila! Since the Cubs (still team, not the animal) are platooning Starlin Castro (3-for-5) and Tommy La Stella at 2nd base, I have but one question as I lift my quill, “Why wasn’t Baez called up months ago?” *waits for an answer which never comes because I’m writing this in a room where there’s no one else around* I’ll take your silence to mean you don’t know either. Baez has 13 homers and 17 steals in 67 games in Triple-A. He proved months (years?) ago that he should’ve been given a chance to strike out with the Cubs. Speaking of striking out, that was always Baez’s biggest issue. Last year, he came up and struck out 41.5% of the time, which led to a .169 batting average in 52 games. Even Rob Deer looks at a 41.5% strikeout rate and shudders. “Don’t speak for me.” Sorry, Rob! This year, however (I sense some goodness coming), Baez has only K’d 25.2% of the time in Triple-A (vs. 30% in Triple-A last year), which likely means he’ll K about about 30% of the time in the majors this year and hit around .250. Hit-schmit! You want to grab him for his power (9 HRs in 52 games last year) and his speed (5 SBs in those same 52 games). If I were a betting man, I’d bet you’re sitting on the toilet while reading this. If I were a betting man on Baez, I’d say he’ll prove ownable in every mixed league and would grab him now.
Jason Castro – Hit the DL with a strained quad. In a deep league that doesn’t have waivers, I drafted Conger and Zunino. Well, Zunino just got sent down the other day (to where, I don’t know, since the minor league season is just about over. You know shizz is pear-shaped when you’re sent to the minors after the minor league season is over. Any hoo!), now that Castro is injured, I once again have a starting catcher. That I’m excited about this shows you how well this team has done. Hashtag, this is what happens when you draft Samardzija, Cingrani and Zach Wheeler as three of your top four SPs.
Carlos Correa – Has missed four straight games with a hamstring strain. This is as good a time as any to point out that as clubs expand their rosters like Sandoval at a Golden Corral, they won’t always put guys on the DL because they have extra room to carry them. Not saying that’s what is going on with Correa…Or am I?! No, I’m not saying it. Leave me alone, reversal ellipsis.
Chris Carter – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer. He has fewer singles in the last ten years than Notorious B.I.G.
Jose Altuve – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Thank God, MLB hasn’t installed those roller coaster “Bugs Bunny holding his hand” height restrictions.
Lance McCullers – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 6 Ks. According to the Stream-o-Nator, he gets the Twins again next time and it’s a home start, which we like. We meaning me and a robot. What, I’m an only child, all I need are robots.
Ervin Santana – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks. That’s nice; too bad it was preceded by months of “Oh, God, he’s awful, please get him off my team,” so when a good start came finally, no one was within “Jared and a middle school” distance of him.
Miguel Sano – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. Between this guy and Schwarber, are they trying to make it impossible to reasonably draft them next year? Okay, in a 2016 fantasy draft, who do you want: Sano or Chris Davis?
Jordan Zimmermann – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. I was able to pick him up for this start on Saturday in my RCL league. I know, I know, Zimmermann shouldn’t be on waivers, but there’s a 180 start limit, so at some point guys have to start dropping their slightly lesser pitchers. (I also grabbed Hamels.) The real challenge will be whether I can hold onto these guys for the entire month of September. My guess is no. And by no I mean no way, and by guess I mean I know, so I know no (stutterer!). Hey, look at me, throwing a know no!
Stephen Strasburg – Left yesterday’s game with discomfort in his back. *opens window, jumps out, lands five feet below in a rose bush* NOOOOOOO! Put me out of my misery, cruel world!
Doug Fister – 2 IP, 0 ER and could go back into the rotation with the newly-injured Strasburg. Well, Fister could go into anywhere. Even something the size of a pinhole. I’m just sayin’, I’ve seen videos.
Jayson Werth – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd in the last four days. I wouldn’t want to own Werth, but I would own him while he’s swinging a hot bat. That’s what she said! Huh?
Justin Bour – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert! Also, what’s interesting about Bour, I could see him hitting 15-17 homers no matter what his stats prorate to. He’s one of those players that could hit ten homers in April and I still wouldn’t expect him to hit more than 17 homers in a season. Okay, it was more interesting in my mind.
Derek Dietrich – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer. Here’s a guy that I wouldn’t be shocked to see 20+ homers next year, assuming the Marlins play him the entire year. But I thought they were going to play him this year and that didn’t happen. Didn’t happen! It didn’t happen! Oops, I started singing the wrong lyrics to that Shaggy song. Well, the lyrics are very complicated.
Josh Hamilton – Not cleared to run. If only they declared the same for Donald Trump.
Derek Holland – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks. Your mustache is a joke, Derek, but your everything else can spoon my nethers. Damn, hello, pretty start, don’t mind if I do. I’d definitely own him in all leagues until further notice. Like now now! Like now now now! Like now now now now!
A.J. Burnett – Hoping to return by mid-September, so it doesn’t seem odd when, at the end of September, he’s considering retirement again.
Charlie Blackmon – 2-for-5 and his 35th steal. Cool, nice, adjective, but can the Rockies go back to Coors before it starts getting cold and they get snowed out and balls are no longer flying out of the stadium? Rhetorical!
Ryan Braun – 2-for-4 and his 24th homer. We discuss Braun on the podcast that’s coming later today. Dot dot dot. Of course, we do! JB is back hosting it. We also have a very special guest that is hip hop related. Stay tuned! Or not. Your choice.
Wily Peralta – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. You have bigger trouser oranges than me if you started him here. Or anywhere really. I don’t even know how I ended up drafting this guy since I kinda hate him. It’s amazing how attractive Speedy K. Goneless is in March and how unattractive he becomes once the season starts.
John Lamb – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks. Solid start, but this isn’t who he is. He’s usually a Randy Wolf in Lamb’s clothing.
Luis Severino – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. It’s legit weird for me to be excited about a Yankee player, and especially a pitcher, but I’m goose-pimply and I already want to own him in all leagues next year.
Stephen Drew – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .201, as the Yankees scored 20 runs yesterday. The only Yankees to not score yesterday were the Civil War reenactors in Roanoke.
Chase Headley – 3-for-3, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 10th homer. By the by, moving to Yankee Stadium hasn’t made Headley into a 25-homer guy. Please break it to your March self.
Jacoby Ellsbury – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. Mo’ better news! He didn’t get hurt.
Carlos Beltran – 3-for-5, 1 run. Has hit in nine of his last ten games, and, well, everyone on the Yankees is currently hot, but Beltran’s up there with some of the hotter ones. Stop thinking about Jeter, five lady readers. He’s retired.
Adonis Garcia – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 7th homer. He’s hitting near-.325 in the last week with three homers. Yes, I officially wish I dropped Longoria for Adorable Adonis.
Julio Teheran – 4 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA up to 4.62. The good news, you can drop him without any ill feelings. The bad news, everything else.
Lance Lynn – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, but left his start after rolling his ankle. “That’s a new one for even me!” said Snoop Dogg. Lynn expects to make his next start. After the game, he had no noticeable limp and wore cowboy boots out of the clubhouse. One reporter remarked, “He looked like Dolly Parton from the shin down.”
Brandon Moss – 1-for-3 and his 17th homer, hitting .200. This is perhaps only surprising to me, but I can’t believe he’s hitting for a worse average than Stephen Drew. There’s a mystery for J.J. Hardy to solve.
Matt Carpenter – 2-for-4 and his 20th homer. Coming into this year, in three seasons, he only had 25 homers total. See what that Carpenter can do when he’s not being a martyr or being persecuted, though those two things kinda go hand in hand.
Chris Heston – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER. Get your dirty stats off my team!
Brandon Belt – 4-for-4, 3 runs with four singles like you at 3:30 AM in Spearmint Rhino when you start crying about your woman leaving you for her yoga instructor.
Marlon Byrd – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and hit a gran slam on Friday. And this Byrd you cannot cage
Joe Kelly – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks. Before this start, I was examining him, the Stream-o-Nator, tea leaves, and I still didn’t stream him. Alas, a name Caitlyn calls herself.
Hanley Ramirez – Missed the entire weekend series with the Braves. Hanley + weekly lineups = Dr. Kevorkian. Hmm, math’s a little off there, but close. Was supposed to equal death.
Jean Machi – Red Sox announced that Machi is their closer, which comes about three weeks after they announced Machi was their closer only to start using Tazawa in the ninth. Hopefully, this time, Machi is their closer that they actually use to close.
Addison Reed – Mets acquired him to work in middle relief and to make other relievers in the Mets bullpen look better.
Michael Cuddyer – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI. He seems to have cooled off a bit in the last few days, but he was hitting near-.450 in the last week prior, so schmotato. Nahmean?
Noah Syndergaard – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA up to 3.31. For those who own Syndergaard in H2H leagues, you’re gonna get a taste of why H2H playoffs aren’t the same as real baseball. Mostly because Syndergaard will be skipped for your playoffs and not for the Mets’.
Alec Asher – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. His name completely betrays my feelings for him. If you say his full name, you can’t dislike him, but I do.
Cameron Rupp – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer, and his 2nd homer this weekend and his 4th homer this week. I’ll need to get past my prejudices against anyone that reminds of an Adolph, and admit that Rupp is a hot schmotato. “Glad to see you’re coming around.” Not for you, Jimmy Hitler.
Justin Upton – 1-for-5 and his 24th homer. Kinda hilarious (not funny at all), that Upton is going to get to 27 homers, as he is wont to do, and next year you’re going to draft him, thinking, “Okay, it’s not sexy, but Upton just gets me stats,” then two months into next year, you’re gonna be like, “When does fantasy football start again?”
Matt Kemp – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Bangfizzle! Which seems like the perfect glossary term for Kemp.
Yangervis Solarte – 1-for-6 and his 11th homer. Because, brucely, I just dropped him. Yangervisis is like a bubble. I touch it and it pops.
James Shields – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.78. In the past years, I’ve talked about how on one team I’m gonna draft only Padres starters. Well, I still haven’t done it, and I’m sure glad I didn’t do it this year.
Josh Tomlin – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.08. You streamed Tomlin? Well, who’s Laugh-in now!
Abraham Almonte – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer. His home run was a grand salami, which is also a title given in the KKK. The Grand Salami is in charge of lunch meat.
Carlos Santana – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs. Oh, stop with the hits. Just hit a few homers and let’s pretend this season never happened.
Drew Pomeranz – 1 IP, 1 ER and a blown save on Sunday, after securing his 3rd save on Saturday. Doolittle, maybe don’t be so literal and you’ll get another chance.
Stephen Vogt – 3-for-6, 2 runs and his 18th homer. Ah, finally, the suffrage is over for Vogt.
David Peralta – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Out of the Diamondbacks 130 games, how many you think Peralta’s played in? Nope, way higher. 18,000? You’re not even trying. He’s played in 121 games. Surprising right?
Felix Hernandez – Will have his next turn skipped. McClendon said, “I did the same thing last year. I freshened my pitchers up, and Felix had the best September of his career. Everybody thought I was nuts when I did it.” No, McClendon, they think you’re nuts for various other reasons.
Kyle Seager – 3-for-6, 3 RBIs and his third homer in as many games and fourth homer in the past five games. Seager has 21 homers and is batting 2nd. I have an idea. McClendon should point out when he’s not being nuts. Be easier.
Austin Jackson – 3-for-6, 3 runs, 2 RBI and his 8th homer, hitting near-.500 in the last week. Someone called action on Jackson, and I’d cut someone else to pick him up.
Jeff Samardzija – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 4.85. S%@(#*^@zija!
Melky Cabrera – 4-for-5 and his 9th homer. Melky went cold, which is nice for cereal, but not so much for fantasy. Melky is getting hot again, which is good for melting chocolate, and fantasy. Remind to eat before writing blurbs.
Alexei Ramirez – 3-for-5, 2 runs and three days in a row with multiple hits. What will he do tomorrow? Ask El Cubanati.
Kris Medlen – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. Jake Odorizzi 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. This matchup sounds like a letter to Dear Abby, where the person isn’t sure if they should mention to a co-worker that they smell. It’s signed, Meddling in Odor Eaters.
Kevin Kiermaier – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer, and had a slam and legs on Saturday. You, “Are you seriously suggesting I pick up Kevin Kiermaier?” *looks left, looks right* Meekly, “Yeah?”
Drew Hutchison – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. It’s irrelevant who he’s facing. If he’s at home, you start him.
Josh Donaldson – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 36th homer. F5! Also, it’s official, Donaldson is the top rated player on our Player Rater.
Kevin Pillar – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting near-.400 in the last week. Sure, he’s kinda like Bill Schnacky, the little known 8-hole hitter on the 1927 Yankees, and even Schnacky had a solid year, and not at all crumby as his name would imply.
Russell Martin – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. Occasionally, I get comments asking if I’d own more than two hitters on the same team. I’d own every Blue Jay. Fo’serious.
Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-3 and his 30th homer, and three homers on Saturday with 9 RBIs. For Edwin and Bautista, the city of Toronto should put a fountain on top of the CN Tower so it looks like a cortisone shot.
