Amish text states vociferously that a Quackenbush should not render thou’s biblical nature moot. Stating, “Eroticism is the devil’s electricity, and our brains should not be hardwired to flip any switches when our nature’s bell rings. You may want to churn butter into the Quackenbush–” I just realize I had a smudge on my Amish Schoolchildren Early Education textbook and it’s not Quacken, it’s Quaker. That is my bad. So, Joaquin Benoit could be headed to the DL, and even if he’s not, he’s dealing with a shoulder issue and may not be effective. In every league I needed saves, I’d grab Kevin Quackenbush. And, if truly desperate, I’d even grab Dale Thayer. As for a Quaker bush, well, caution is advised. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Justin Verlander – Tigers announced, “(Verlander) threw a 35-pitch bullpen, and then walked into Ausmus’ office to deliver a high five.” I can only imagine how he reacts after sleeping with Kate Upton. “(Verlander) gave Kate Upton a five-minute session, and then did The Chicken Dance down the street in his boxers, stopping random men on the street and hugging them.”
David Price – 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 9 Ks. As much offense as there was on Wednesday, there was absolutely none on Thursday. You could hear a pin drop when hitters came up. Price and Alex Cobb (7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners (2 Hits), 6 Ks) combined for three hits allowed. Price threw a complete game, one-hitter and lost. You have to go back to the Dead Ball Era to find a similar game. In 1845, the Baltimore Fiddlers faced off against the Albany Bumposophers. The game wasn’t called baseball at the time. It was called, “You soiled my sister’s ears with flosculation and now I’m going to kill you.” It was a great disrespect in those days to blather on to one’s sister, so each contest was heated. The Bumposophers, between counting bumps on their opponent’s heads, jumped out to a 1-0 lead in the first inning, and then polio struck in the fifth and no one scored another run for another 40 years with most players returning to a hammy-jammery to pickle beets and pig ears.
Zach Walters – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. That’s two homers in the last two games and four homers in the last 8 days. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because I’m mentioning him now and you people need to read everything, but not everything twice. And that’s me quoting me! There is no C. The Regression Fairies walk into a bar and say to Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department…. Wait, where was I? Oh, yeah, grab Walters for power.
Yan Gomes – Left yesterday’s game after taking a ball off his mask. That sounds like a porn starring Rocky Dennis. Gomes will undergo concussion tests, and, knowing my luck, he’ll be out for a week. Here’s hoping I’m reverse jinxing myself.
Corey Kluber – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.46. The C the O the R the E the Y, I need a body bag. You can Klube me, baby. Oh, how embarrassing, I didn’t hear you come in. Um, yeah, I love Kluber like Bell Biv DeVoe, yo, Slick, blow.
Phil Hughes – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 3.65. He has a 8+ K/9 and a 0.8 BB/9. That’s absurdly good. He’s only at 60% owned and I get it, I don’t fully trust him either, but at this point you have to. Remember, prior to him going through New York via Shizzville, he was highly touted. Stream-o-Nator doesn’t like his next start, but I’d stream-slash-own him.
Kennys Vargas – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer, hitting .316. Kenny Kenny for President President! So far the David Ortiz comparisons look apt. Vargas’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, as he was in last week’s and the week prior.
Danny Santana – 2-for-4, hitting .315. He cooled off a bit in the last week, but that might be for the best if we want to have some sleepers for next year. Give me Schoop and Santana or give me death! Or so said Jon Jay.
Gordon Beckham – Angels acquired him for a player to be named later. That player’s name is John C. McGinley. Even trade, one Scrub for another. The Angels paid $450 billion for a few free agent acquisitions and watch the guy they get for Dr. Cox be the MVP of the playoffs. Ain’t that always how it works out? Okay, don’t count your chickens before they come home to roost or whatever that cliche is. This doesn’t guarantee Beckham fantasy value, or even a starting job. The Angels will prolly work him into a rotation of David Freese (0-for-3) and Howie Kendrick (3-for-4).
Matt Shoemaker – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners (1 Hit), 9 Ks. With Ortiz out of the lineup, Shoemaker got to face “or nothing.” Even without that benefit, he’s been terrific all year — 8.9 K/9, 1.7 BB/9, 3.13 xFIP. Those are basically ace numbers. Not saying he is an ace. Yet. I’d absolutely own him right now though, and the Stream-o-Nator loves his next start.
Mike Napoli – Missed another game with back spasms. You know what would fix that? A photo taken with his mom while she showed her nipple.
Yoenis Cespedes – Left the game after one at-bat for a personal matter. Translation: He’s pregnant.
Rubby De La Rosa – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 8 Ks. I’m still not a fan. As for his brother, Friction? He’s a relative that keeps in constant contact.
Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. Wanna know how little offense there was yesterday? The Nats won a 1-0 game without an RBI.
Rafael Soriano – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd straight game with a vulture win. I.e., stop storing Storen, stutterer!
Wade Miley – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 14 baserunners (6 BBs), 4 Ks. When your friend looks at your team’s WHIP and asks what happened, you can say it was Wade’d down, then you guys can have a rich, hearty laugh. Then show him your souvenir spoon collection.
Edwin Jackson – Hit the DL with a right lat strain. Lat’s all, folks!
Javier Baez – 0-for-4, 4 Ks as he played shortstop while Castro is on bereavement, which is also the worst-tasting after dinner mint. Castro could be gone for a week, which is sad, terrible, sad-sounding emotion, but if Baez can get shortstop eligibility for next year it might be worth it.
Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-3 and a slam (29) and legs (4). Well, sorta. He got a homer on Tuesday in a game that was finished yesterday then a steal in yesterday’s game. That’s like an alcoholic’s slam & legs. Slam! Hey, what day is it? I blacked out. Legs!
Justin Ruggiano – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. This is his 2nd homer in the last five games, but he hasn’t done a whole lot otherwise. This Justin: bleh.
Welington Castillo – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer. This is interesting, he’s been about as valuable as d’Arnaud, but no one ever asks about him, while people occasionally ask about d’Arnaud. Okay, interesting to me. Hey, stop impersonating me. Sorry, Random Italicized Voice.
Buster Posey – 4-for-4, 2 runs and his 14th homer. Hey, you Buster’d your Posey!
Pablo Sandoval – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs. Giants 2nd through 5th hitters are hitting, .283, .282, .283, .281. Can you spot the pattern? Looks like a batting average ombré to me.
Madison Bumgarner – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 12 Ks vs. the Cubs. Bum’s outstanding. And Bumgarner too. But the Cubs are a hacking mess right now. A terrible K-rate guy like Bronson Arroyo could strikeout ten Cubs hitters. Eleven if they let him play his guitar between innings.
Andrelton Simmons – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Well, technically, if Andrelton were to hit a homer it would need to travel another 150 billion feet.
Justin Upton – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs. Wow, actual offense yesterday, I mean besides the LLWS. Too bad Mo’Ne’s team lost. Her big brother, Cueto, knows how she feels.
Phil Gosselin – 2-for-5, 1 run, hitting over .300 in the last week, but he’s platooning with La Stella, which makes the Braves 2nd base situation a menage Artois.
Jason Heyward – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI. Anyone want to guess where Heyward is ranked for outfielders on our Player Rater? I’m gonna guess you were too conservative. He’s ranked 32nd. Better than you thought, right? Oh, excuse me, you’re just too smart.
Julio Teheran – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.96 vs. the Reds. Bit of a cushy matchup, which sounds like a record exec trying to convince Midnight Oil to change the title of Beds are Burning. “Have you considered ‘Cushy Match Up?'”
David Holmberg – 2 2/3 IP, 6 ER. If you streamed him yesterday, you probably sound like Scrooge today saying his name.
Hanley Ramirez – Expected back on Sunday. Ironic he returns on a day of rest. If that’s irony, what do I know? Am I British?
Hyun-Jin Ryu – Should be activated when he’s first ready at the end of August. Ryu ready?! Apparently.
Clayton Kershaw – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks vs. Tyson Ross (8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks). The local news showed the offensive highlights to this game in super slo-mo so they could fill their 15-second time slot.
Justin Turner – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting near .350 in the last week. He’s got Ginger power by the power of Red Skull, and will be playing third base until Uribe returns or Mangled Ear comes up next week. “I’d like to sprinkle some hot sauce on your ear, would that be okay?” That’s Miguel Olivo with a napkin tucked into his shirt’s collar.
Masahiro Tanaka – Will face live hitters on Saturday. That rules out any Zombinos.
Brandon McCarthy – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, lowered his ERA on the Yankees to 1.90. It’s no surprise that McCarthy is doing well on the Yankees. It would be like Father Guido Sarducci playing for the Padres. Or Abe Vigoda playing for the Fish. Or Thomas Keller playing for the Bouchon Bakery softball league. Some things are predestined. You have to deal with these things in life. Come here, sit on my lap. Not you! Jesus, you’re heavy! My knee! Brandon McCarthy isn’t this good, nor was he as bad as he was in Arizona, and I wouldn’t even trust him for his next start vs. the Tigers.
Chad Qualls – Wouldn’t have been able to throw on Thursday had a save chance arisen. In the Astros bullpen, the cream of the crap always rises at some point, so I held onto Jose Veras for another day until Qualls is able to convert a save. I’m also crazy like a fox that has no saves and really needs saves so said fox does really stupid things.