The other day the top 10 for 2016 fantasy baseball was straight sexy like when a model on America’s Next Top Model knows how to smize and booty tooch. Then, the next day, the top 20 for 2016 fantasy baseball was all the flavors of the Skittles rainbow melted into one giant Skittle that was a color that was not-black even though all colors together should’ve been. Today, the top 20 catchers for 2016 fantasy baseball is the direct opposite of those wondrous achievements. This post, here, is, um, catchers. Lowercase yay. Most of you know how I feel about catchers. If you draft a catcher any time before the first 100 picks, you don’t know how I feel about catchers. Let me freshen up your cocktail with a splash of insight. I don’t draft top catchers in one catcher leagues. I Reggie Roby them. Last year, Posey was the top ranked catcher at the end of year. Yet, he was only the 8th best 1st baseman, about as valuable as Albert Pujols, who hit only .244. The best catcher can’t spray aerosol deodorant on the top guy for another position. The top five catchers last year were Bust Posey, Bri McCann, Eve Gattis, Russ Martin and Sal Perez. Only one guy was drafted in the top 100. No one should draft a top catcher because there are no top catchers. They’re all hot garbage with a side order of gefilte fish, or kapelka as Q-Tip calls it. Catchers are unreliable to stay healthy; the job is grueling and takes its toll on offensive stats. There’s not much difference between, say, the tenth best catcher and nothingness. Last year, Welington Castillo was the tenth best catcher. He was on waivers for at least half the season. He was the tenth best catcher with a line of 42/19/57/.237. Yo, Q, forget kapelka, Welington Castillo makes me vomit. Also, with this crop of catchers — they’re actually deep in mediocrity. You can draft the fifth best catcher or the 12th best and they’re tomato-tomato said with a different emphasis. Because I ignore the top catchers doesn’t mean I’m starting the top 20 catcher list at number twenty-one; some of you might want to know the top catchers. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them draft d’Arnaud. In two catcher leagues, catchers are a little more valuable, but I’d still prefer to avoid them. You can see other top 20 lists for 2016 fantasy baseball under 2016 fantasy baseball rankings. Listed along with these catchers are my 2016 projections for each player and where the tiers begin and end. Anyway, here’s the top 20 catchers for 2016 fantasy baseball:
1. Buster Posey – This is the 1st tier. This tier goes from here until Schwarber. I call this tier, “Do I need a 2nd baseman?” By the tier name, I mean that I’d be looking at drafting another position when this tier is being drafted as Mr. Intro Paragraph explained. “You can call me Mr. IP.” You know what’s goofy? Looking at catcher stats in the 1990s. Piazza’s line from 1997: 104/40/124/.362/5. I was younger then, and apparently naive, but how did sportswriters of the time not say something like, “Okay, maybe these numbers are slightly inflated due to an illegal substance?” By the by, what a crock that he gets into the HOF and Bonds doesn’t. Piazza wasn’t on steroids? His bacne says otherwise. Oh, and in 2006, Piazza’s next to last year at 39 years of age, he hit more homers than Posey last year. “We need a commissioner that will look the other way.” “How about the guy who doesn’t even notice how obvious his toupee is?” That was two baseball union representatives back in the late 80s. As for Posey, meh, you know what he’s going to give you. 2016 Projections: 75/20/91/.310/2
2. Kyle Schwarber – This guy could excite someone on oxy, and will likely snag a few people in his crosshairs during draft season. Even people who have never drafted a top catcher before will feel a little twitch when they see Schwarber come up on their draft sheet, assuming people still use sheets and aren’t drafting on their phone while taking a “sheet.” I get the excitement on Schwarber, so I will attempt to quell it. In Triple-A, he had a 34.3% strikeout percentage, then came up to the majors and had a 28.2% rate. Normally, guys don’t hit above .250 with that kind of rate and neutral luck, and he hit .246 last year. His plate discipline isn’t off the charts bad, but his contact rate is awful. He doesn’t hit a ton of pitches he swings at. If he qualified last year, he would’ve been the 4th worst player for contact rate. From June through September/October, here’s his batting averages: .364, .302, .221, .208. Shorthand of what was being said on pitching mounds in June, “We can’t get this guy out.” Shorthand in September, “Just throw him some offspeed crap in the zone.” He could make adjustments this year, but I wouldn’t go near him to find out. 2016 Projections: 68/24/75/.228/7
3. Salvador Perez – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until McCann. I call this tier, “Not quite, kung fu fight.” The tier name means, this tier isn’t quite the top tier and it’s not quite the next tier. The ‘kung fu fight’ part means nothing but it rhymes. As for Perez, after the last two seasons of the regular season and the postseason, it’s not surprising that “Royals catcher” anagrams to “C rear, lots achy.” Still, he’s only 25 years old and he looks like he’s only now entering his prime hitting years, after hitting 21 HRs last year. Am I drafting him? Nope. Did I consider putting Perez above Schwarber because he feels safer? Yup. Does it matter since you’re punting catchers? Nope. To keep with this pattern, should this next question be affirmative? Yup. 2016 Projections: 57/22/72/.266/1
4. Brian McCann – This is a good trivia question to stump your friends with: out of McCann’s ten full seasons in the majors, how many times has he hit at least twenty homers? Nuh-uh, try again. Higher still. He hit at least twenty homers every year except for one. Crazy, right? Nine of ten seasons with 20 homers. I never would’ve guessed that. Oh, and the season he missed 20 homers, he hit 18 homers. If he would’ve had some of Piazza’s bacne, he’d be a 40-homer hitter. 2016 Projections: 64/22/79/.236
5. Welington Castillo – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Hundley. I call this tier, “Okay to draft, but by no means a requirement.” You might be thinking that this feels early to be drafting a catcher. First, Castillo will be ranked around 200 overall, so it appears early on this list, but it’s really not in the big picture. Second, I’m saying you can draft a catcher around here, but there’s no reason to if you need another position. Third, there’s no third. Fourth, I’m not saying you have to draft a catcher here. Only saying it’s possible. Fifth, the second and fourth were kinda the same, so how is there a fifth? Sixth, seriously, stop counting! Seventh, okay, chillax. Eighth, AHHHHHH, I HATE YOU, NUMBERING!!! As for Castillo, he hit 19 homers in 110 games last year, which is only an outlier if you make a note inside Malcolm Gladwell’s Outlier book that reads, “Castillo hit 19 homers last year.” By the way, if you find that note in twenty years, it will likely confuse the hell out of you. I have a feeling that I’m the only that is a fan of Welington. So, what’s everyone’s boeuf? Welington! By the by, Gordon Ramsey should sit in a theatre and watch himself scream at cheftestants and call the entire exercise, Shia LaBoeuf Wellington. So, fo’reals, why the love for the boeuf? He hit 15 homers in 61 games in Triple-A. He hit 19 homers last year in 110 games. He’s only going to be 29 years old. He’ll be hitting in a home park that is nearly as good as Coors. There’s not much to dislike other than his lack of track record. Cool, so don’t draft him in a Track & Field league. 2016 Projections: 56/21/68/.240
6. Travis d’Arnaud – He will hit 20+ homers one of these seasons. Only thing stopping him is his health. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s even got a .280 season with solid counting stats in his bat, making him the best catcher for fantasy. The Mets have said d’Arnaud and Kevin Plawecki could split time at catcher this year, which is spoken like a person who wears socks on their hands because they’re trying to generate enough static electricity to power their Prius. Ya know, just stupid. I have to hope by April, d’Arnaud is the starter, but I also had to dock him a bit. 2016 Projections: 55/17/62/.264/1
7. Devin Mesoraco – The other day Mesoraco reported he felt great and expects to be ready for spring training. He then looked in a mirror and said, “Baby Ruth,” like he was Sloth from The Goonies. I don’t think Mesoraco is the on-pace-for-30-homers guy that he was in 2014, but he’s also not flotsam as he was last year. Hopefully, the only thing ugly this year refers again to his face. 2016 Projections: 49/18/56/.238/2
8. Russell Martin – He’s coming off a career high in homers with 23, but he also had a career high in HR/FB% and was almost double his career average. He also went over 50% on a ground ball rate, which was top 30 in the majors; a distinction you don’t want, if you want to hit 20 homers again. Oh, and Russell J. Martin won’t hit 20 homers again. So, why rank him in a tier where I’m saying draft him? Cause he hits in the Jays lineup, a lineup that made Kevin Pillar palatable. 2016 Projections: 63/15/69/.244/5
9. Nick Hundley – Coors. Want more? Um, he comes from a baseball family, so he’s been spitting and scratching himself from a young age. 2016 Projections: 48/12/55/.283/3
10. Matt Wieters – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Chirinos. I call this tier, “Draft now. I know, very unexciting. How about…DRAFT NOW! More excited?” If you don’t draft from this tier, the next tier begins the abyss, or as it’s often called, “Playing matchups with my catcher for the better part of six months.” One thing this tier has in common is all of these guys have shown signs. As for Wieters, Keith Law said he is the greatest catcher we will see in our lifetime. Sure, he said that seven years ago when Wieters was just a prospect, but Keith Law is merely a prospect evaluator, so Wieters is the best of all-time. Make like Big Lenbo, and follow that Logic. 2016 Projections: 51/17/57/.252/1
11. Derek Norris – He hit 14 homers last year and he’s only going to be 27 years old this year. WHAT WHAT?! Oh, wait, 14 homers in 147 games is only good for a catcher. 2016 Projections: 60/15/64/.261/5
12. Yan Gomes – ‘Member about 2500 words ago when I said there was depth in mediocrity at catcher? This tier is said depth in whatevs. Gomes isn’t dust-old, and has had extended flashes before like my Cougs. 2016 Projections: 49/16/54/.257/1
13. Wilson Ramos – You from 2011-14, “If Wilson Ramos can stay healthy, he will have a long-lasting career like Jared Fogle’s advertising career.” You in 2015, “Okay, I was an idiot the last few years.” 2016 Projections: 53/16/60/.238
14. J.T. Realmuto – On Telemundo, there’s a Spanish Shark Tank and the most famous shark there is Marco Cubano. Marco Cubano made all his money inventing Realmuto, a video player for a Spanish-language audience. Just thought you’d like to know some trivia. As for Realmuto, the catcher, he has 10-homer power and 10-steal speed. That’s the good and the bad. 2016 Projections: 51/11/54/.264/10
15. Blake Swihart – Sleepers at the catcher position seem like a good idea, and Swihart is one, but this is how catcher sleepers go: “Hey, it’s April 6th and I’m already bored of my catcher. I’m gonna try this Yasmani fella.” 2016 Projections: 52/9/56/.262/4
16. Robinson Chirinos – He hit 10 homers in only 78 games. Nice! He only played in 78 games. Uh-oh, Chirinos! 2016 Projections: 49/15/53/.230/1
17. Jonathan Lucroy – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Vogt. I call this tier, “Down on these guys in a non-sexual way.” At least I’m assuming I’m down on them, nonsexually. I’m writing this in the beginning of December, so I can only guess where others will rank guys, but for one reason or another, I’m not a big fan of the guys in this tier. As for Lucroy, I’m his biggest non-fan. He gives nothing but counting stats, assuming he stays healthy. He has no power, no speed, his average is pretty bleh. He has playing time. Sorry if playing time doesn’t act as herbal Viagra for me. 2016 Projections: 60/9/51/.258/4
18. Miguel Montero – I ain’t got real venom for Montero, but I also don’t have much love. He’s a 18 HR, .280 guy in Arizona during his prime. He’s now in Chicago as he turns 33 this year. That was your life, Miguel. 2016 Projections: 41/15/50/.241/2
19. Stephen Vogt – Vogt was great last year *covers mouth so you can barely hear the rest of the sentence* until about July. 2016 Projections: 46/11/49/.258
20. Hank Conger – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Cervelli. I call this tier, “In two-catcher leagues, draft one of these guys. *moves hand like my Force has just awakened or I’m wafting away a fart*.” Here’s what I said when the Rays traded for Conger, “Finally, my morning Asian porridge of Conger will congeal into a 20-homer hitter! Or at least he’ll be a solid 2nd catcher in two catcher leagues. If you recall, and I know you do because you remember everything except your wedding anniversary, I liked Conger a ton last year, thinking the Astros would make him the starter due to his pitch framing ability. They didn’t, but theRays are another club that could see the benefit of that. Why should we care? He hit 11 homers last year in only 201 ABs. If someone ever gives him 450 ABs, he could sneak into the top five for catchers. Sadly, he’s still a wild card at this point since he’s currently penciled in as a backup backstop, why don’t you back dat thang up?” And that’s me quoting me! 2016 Projections: 38/16/45/.237 in 300 ABs
21. James McCann – “When a guy I drafted from Wieters’s tier didn’t work out, I picked up James McCann and he ended up performing better than I could’ve ever expected. Lastly, I am so grateful for sweatpants.” That’s your fantasy championship acceptance speech from next October. Before we start reaching around on guys in this tier, McCann did only have 7 homers in 114 games last year, so, um, yeah. 2016 Projections: 42/10/50/.249/4
22. Yasmani Grandal – How long do we have to wait for Billy Beane to trade for Grandal to have him play 1st base? I’m getting old here! 2016 Projections: 47/14/52/.244/1
23. Francisco Cervelli – This guy is the bomb dot gov for two-catcher leagues, where you just want an everyday catcher. For one-catcher leagues? Well, Cervelli — or Cerwelli, if you’re into portmanteaus — just had his best season imaginable and he only hit seven homers with one steal. 2016 Projections: 48/6/41/.272/2
24. Yadier Molina – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Murphy. I call this tier, “Good news: they have an everyday job. Bad news: they have an everyday job.” Last year, Molina played in 136 games. Anyone want to guess how many homers he hit? Let’s just say Hard Hittin’ Mark Whiten once hit that many in one game. 2016 Projections: 40/6/50/.261/2
25. Jason Castro – As with most of the guys in this tier, Castro has an everyday job because the team has no one else that owns a catcher’s mitt. 2016 Projections: 38/12/44/.209/1
26. Cameron Rupp – He hit nine homers last year in only 81 games. Sadly, what goes Rupp must come down. 2016 Projections: 38/11/41/.228
27. Chris Iannetta – He started his career in Coors, then went to Anaheim, now he’s in Safeco. Next stop, Petco then Canned Atlantic Herring Stadium in Siberia. By the by, at Canned Atlantic Herring Stadium they chant, “CAHS rules everything around me. Sour cream’s where I spend my money. Ruble, ruble, y’all.” 2016 Projections: 35/10/37/.222/1
28. Carlos Perez – I have a feeling this guy might be the most underrated catcher in all of baseball this year. Why? Cause no one has any idea who he is. He sounds like the name law authorities give to John Doe’s in Latin America. *Detective moves sheet over a corpse in the morgue* “Damn, another Carlos Perez. Third one this week. Okay, who wants to go get some chimichangas and discuss the case?” 2016 Projections: 40/6/42/.240/2
29. John Ryan Murphy – Keep an eye on the Twins starting catcher slot in the spring because Murphy and Kurt Suzuki will likely battle it out, which is like watching salmonella battle listeria on a petri dish. 2016 Projections: 32/5/34/.247/2
30. A.J. Pierzynski – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until the end of the list. I call this tier, “Platoony tunes.” None of these guys are everyday catchers. As for A.J. Pierzynski, definitely move him up if you play in a pun league where he also counts as A.J. Pollock. 2016 Projections: 32/8/38/.266
31. Alex Avila – Playing on the White Sox this year will only help Avila like it helped Tyler Flowers, Avisail Garcia, Micah Johnson, Adam LaRoche…Okay, so it helped no one. 2016 Projections: 35/8/38/.203/1
32. Dioner Navarro – True Story Alert! There’s a parasite with blonde hair inside Navarro’s gut and he hosts, Dioner, Drive-Ins and Dives. 2016 Projections: 25/6/31/.242
33. Josh Phegley – Yes or no: There’s no more fey name than Josh Phegley? 2016 Projections: 23/7/30/.240
34. Austin Romine – Can we never call a catcher a top prospect again? “Amen!” That’s Jesus Montero, who works as a pastor during the offseason. 2016 Projections: 20/5/24/.228/3
35. Andrew Susac – Hey, at least I didn’t rank Max Stassi, Hitler’s favorite 2nd catcher. Yes, Susac is behind Posey. Yes, Susac sounds like a made-up word sung by Missy Elliot. No, I don’t think Posey gets hurt. Belt can’t seem to stay healthy though, and maybe Posey does get hurt. I’m not saying you draft Susac as your first catcher. Not even really as a 2nd catcher unless you’ve really punted, but in crazy deep leagues, Susac isn’t a terrible flyer as a guy that could work his way into playing time and has 15-homer power. 2016 Projections: 18/7/27/.247
