Here’s me yesterday looking to pick up the new Yankee closer…. *types Kelly into waivers box, presses Enter* Inner monologue, “Joe Kelly?! No, I don’t want him! Casey Kelly?! Blech! C’mon, this is a 15 team mixed league, I’m not in an NL-Only keeper! Someone beat me to the waiver wire? Really? For the first time in three years, I’m watching a Yankees game because nothing else is on and serendipitously David Robertson is announced with a groin strain, so there’s no way anyone beat me to the waiver wire… I’m here first, I have to be! So where’s Kelly?! Fine, I’ll click the button that shows the players that are owned too. Wait, he’s not even listed there. What in the holy name of Christ Colabello–” And that was around the time I realized his name was spelled Kelley, not Kelly and while I was misspelling it someone else swooped in and grabbed him. This has been the latest installment of Grey Albright: Are You Sure You Want To Listen To This Man? So, Robertson is out for a few weeks with a groin strain — easy on the noodes, doode! — and Shawn Kelley is your new closer in New York, and, even though yesterday was Kelley’s first career save, it doesn’t mean he can’t be successful for the next three weeks. Or unsuccessful, but I’d pick him up either way in any league. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Hiroki Kuroda – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Amazing how easy he throws with such solid results. He looks like he could throw with his eyes closed while listening to Baby’s First White Noise CD.
Jacoby Ellsbury – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and a caught stealing as he moved into the three hole. No real fantasy production change for him with this move to the three hole. He’ll get some more RBIs, some less runs but he’ll try to steal still, because he do what he do. As long as he’s not D’Ellsburied, you’re happy.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 13 baserunners (5 BBs), 4 Ks. More like Uballdoh. If you own Ubaldo, and he keeps going with all of those BBs, you will shoot your eye out.
J.J. Hardy – Sat out yesterday with back stiffness. He should go to a Relax, The Back Store. I recommend The Lumbardi.
Matt Wieters – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and hitting .391. Nice Tony Gwynn impersonation, Wieters, but you don’t eat enough donuts. Come back to me after twelve hundred Krispy Kremes.
Matt Moore – Left his start with elbow soreness. Rays don’t believe it’s serious, but I don’t believe the Rays. He grimaced pretty badly after his last pitch. If you ignored my advice and drafted Moore, the best thing that could’ve happened was an injury. And, in all his wisdom, The Fantasy Overlord smiled down on you and did you a solid before Moore did any solids on your team. Now you can DL him until the news comes out with how long he’s going to be sidelined. I’m guessing longer than 15 days, but shorter than back-to-back Tommy John surgeries a’la Brandon Beachy.
Ben Zobrist – 2-for-4 and a solo homer. Great if you own him, terrible if you had to watch the Bucks on the Pond commercial after his homer. Can they at least do baseball questions? Steve Yeager! Sound barrier! We know! Give it a rest!
Jason Vargas – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks. Another dynamite start from Vargas vs. the Rays, after holding the Tigers to one run in seven innings in his first start. According to the Stream-o-Nator, he gets the Twins next and that looks like a yes, please and thank you.
Omar Infante – Left the game after being hit in the jaw by a pitch. What kind of man hits an Infante?! Oh, Heath Bell. Every time a Bell flings, a Royal gets hit in the face.
Albert Pujols – 1-for-5, 1 run. I will be standing outside the Angels clubhouse with a boombox, playing Chi Ali’s Age Ain’t Nothin’ But A Number to try and psychologically empower Pujols. By the by, Chi Ali was featured on America’s Most Wanted — twice!
Kole Calhoun – 1-for-3, 3 runs and his 2nd home run. I dropped some sleeper buzz on him in the preseason, and, while he is hitting .179, I still like him a lot. You, “Oh, the Fantasy Master Lothario suggests I get Calhoun just like he suggested I draft Pujols. FML, indeed.”
Ian Stewart – 1-for-5, 1 run as he got the start at 3rd over Freese. To pithy that up, that’s the Angels going from Freese to permafrost.
C.J. Wilson – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Asstros. I’m sure glad he bombed out in his first start so I’d drop him and not reap these benefits. I want my just desserts! Oh, and Wilson gets the Mets next, which the Stream-o-Nator is rightfully crazy about. Dah!
Yasiel Puig – His MRI showed a strained thumb ligament. I guess that’s a luigament. Mattingly said that hyPuigchondriac could still be in the lineup on Tuesday, but I get the sense Mattingly is so fed up with Puig that he wants him hurt worse. This will be an ongoing soap opera all year — As the Puig Turns.
A.J. Ellis – Will have arthroscopic knee surgery to repair a meniscus tear and will be out for six weeks. Ellis’s value is now less than zero. For a while, Ellis kept trying to tell someone he had a problem, but every time he opened his mouth, Puig called a medic. Drew Butera, Miguel Olivo and Tim Federowicz will take over behind the plate. Not all at once. That would be illegal.
Jordan Lyles – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks in Coors Field. It’s thin air and Lyle love it. Harmony, chorus, Usher turns his chair around, Blake points at his head. And scene!
Troy Tulowitzki – 3-for-3, 2 runs and a solo homer. So a Blackmon and Pollock walk into a bar…
Ryan Roberts – Signed by the Red Sox to act in after-dark Showtime movies and as 3rd base depth while Middlebrooks is on the DL.
John Lackey – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Has a 1.38 ERA so far, i.e., Lackey’s been Luckey.
Grady Sizemore – 2-for-4. Hype Machine, “One of those was a hard hit double!”
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs. A walk’s as good as a hit JBJ, don’t get greedy!
Mike Napoli – 3-for-5. Hard to go three-for-five with no counting stats in the middle of a lineup that scores five runs. Hype Machine, “Not with JBJ and Sizemore doing work! I’m dancing right now! Hey, stop touching my butt, Hitter-Tron!”
Tanner Scheppers – 5 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks. He looked a whole lot better when he was Schepper’ing in his stuff for one inning late.
Seth Rosin – 1 IP, 3 ER. Perfect last name for a pitcher getting manhandled on the mound. Joe Saunders is looking to change his name to Jose Piñata.
Michael Wacha – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. Tony Cingrani (4 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks). This matchup was rated NC-17, and fantasy baseballers thought it was due to the likelihood of multiple fantasy baseball orgasms from the two pitchers upsides, but it turned out that it was from profanity used during Cingrani’s start.
Trevor Rosenthal – 1 IP, 2 ER. Kazaam!
Kolten Wong – 1-for-3 and his first steal. Fun fact! Due to a typesetting error, an Academy Award winning movie was released in China as How the West Was Wong.
Peter Bourjos – 2-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .111. A big thank you goes to the TSA for finally letting his bats through customs!
Ryan Ludwick – 2-for-3, 1 run, hitting .364, and five for his last eleven with a home run. And you thought getting in a cold pool was the only way to make an already small sample size smaller.
Joel Hanrahan – Mets will attend a showcase in a few weeks to watch Hanrahan throw. I think I saw this movie. Doesn’t Dennis Quaid play Hanrahan?
Tommy Hanson – Signed by the White Sox. This came after they saw Hanson in a showcase titled, Mmmflop.
Kevin Correia – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER. Kim Jong-il just rolled over in his pink velvet, glass-enclosed tomb.
Eduardo Nunez – The Twins acquired him to provide infield depth, and I could see him stealing at-bats away from The Jamaican Shoe Store, Florimon. This is a standard small market move of ‘throw enough crizzap against the clubhouse wall and something eventually sticks.’ In fact, that’s kinda how the entire Twins team is built.
A.J. Griffin – Doing strengthening work and is still about a month away. If only we could get Merry Clayton to sing “about a month away.”
Ryan Cook – 1 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks as he was activated from the DL. Don’t see the A’s replacing Jim Johnson any time soon, so Cook is merely a middle relief ratio helper. Just thought of something, we need a glossary term for a middle reliever who is just rock solid in ratios/Ks, and you own for that purpose, without even caring if he gets into the save picture. Like the $12 Salad of middle relievers. Please suggest in the comments.
Coco Crisp – Sat out yesterday due to wrist inflammation, but received a cortisone shot and will return on Wednesday to hit 17 homers in his first at-bat back. I’m only half kidding. The Lily Tomlin half.
Craig Gentry – Expected to rejoin the A’s this week to work as a 4th outfielder. Gentry has some nice speed, but you’ll need to platoon him. Though he makes it difficult because he doesn’t have a strong side as seen on the Platoony Tunes chart.
Scott Kazmir – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks vs. the Twins. Not a terrific start, but he escaped relatively okay against a Twins team that was swinging hot bats. Watch out for Colabello, he will fizz-spray sucrose and phony caramel flavoring in yo’ face! “Plouffe is the Mentos in our Colabello!” That’s Gardenhire firing up the Twins fans who wear leg sweaters.
Jed Lowrie – Left yesterday’s game after getting hit in the foot by a pitch. When the pitch was coming in, his kinfolk said, ‘Jed, move away from there!’ but he didn’t in time.
Alberto Callaspo – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .444 on the year. He’s regularly Callaspoo, but does get hot occasionally and it looks like now is one of those times.
Josh Donaldson – 2-for-5, 2 runs. Josh Donald Jr. is hitting .161 so far and I say drop him! I’m kidding; it’s early. The panic in some people’s comments is good comic relief, like Robin Williams, Billy Crystal and Whoopi shticking it up and making you want to commit third degree manslaughter like the owner of Pinkberry.
Derek Norris – 2-for-4 and a solo homer. Not much to see here. Though there’s is a lot to see with John Norris becoming the Single White Female version of Kevin Bacon. “If you don’t want to watch The Notebook, I will call up John Norris!” That’s Kyra Sedgwick threatening Kevin.
