Astros announced that Lance McCullers would start the year on the DL.  Just like a Mick to skip out on work on St. Patty’s Day.  Keeping an eye on you, Andrew McCutchen!  At least we don’t have to start the year with tears for Fiers.  Everybody wants to rule the Astros rotation!  With it being announced that McCullers would start the year on the DL, I dropped him 15 spots in my starting pitcher ranks and lowered his projections.  He’s now in the top 60 starters vs. the top 40 starters.  He’s a young pitcher with a shoulder issue, so if you take my previous excitement and divide it by my current hesitation, you get the entire Angels team dancing on the head of a pin.  Okay, my math might be off there, but I’m trying to weigh my current cautious optimism with my realistic pessimism.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for fantasy baseball:

Max Stassi – Underwent hamate bone surgery.  The Stassi injured his hand at a Trump rally.

Matt Wieters – Went for an MRI on his elbow, but, per usual, the MRI found nothing.  Matt Wieters should change his name to Matt Rhode Island, so he can just go by MRI rather than to it.

C.J. Wilson – Suffered a setback with his shoulder.  The weight of his dandruff has become too much.

Victor Martinez – Suffered a mild hamstring strain.  One of my biggest pet peeves is when a player I don’t want to draft gets injured during the preseason and scares away perspective drafters.  The least you can do, V-Mart, is stay healthy during March.  The least!

Adam LaRoche – Retired from baseball because his son, Drake, wasn’t allowed in the clubhouse.  I’m also for limiting anyone using Drake as walkup music.  Between a hard rock and alternative hard rock place, Papa LaRoche said his life is cut into pieces, this was his last resort.  Now I need to clear my YouTube history so it stops suggesting Papa Roach and System of a Down videos.  Aw, geez, now Google ads are trying to sell me tickets to a juggalo gathering.  My browser cache is ruined!  With Adam LaRoche hanging them up, Avisail Garcia should be the full-time DH, so I moved him right back into the top 80 outfielders where I had him prior to the Austin Jackson signing.  LaRoche was, naturally, removed from my top 20 1st basemen.

Andrew Bailey – With David Hernandez dealing with a triceps injury for a couple of weeks, Bailey might have leapfrogged him for the closer role in Philly.  I added Bailey into my top 500, because saves are saves are saves, i.e., SAGNOF!  But Bailey hasn’t looked near okay since 2011, and I’d still say Hernandez is the favorite to get the most saves this year in Philly.

Eduardo Rodriguez – May not join the Red Sox rotation until April 26th.  This is an easy excuse for the Red Sox, who never planned on throwing Ed-Rod for 200 IP this year anyway.  By the by, if Ed-Rod were to marry Carl Hubbard’s great-granddaughter, their kid could be Ed-Rod Hubbard.  Though, I guess that would mean he took his mom’s last name because Ed-Rod abandoned him for boating, science fiction and fastballs.  Whew, now that was a side note!  I’m not moving Rodriguez in my top 60 starters because I always assumed he’d only throw 160 IP this year.

Ruben Tejada – Cut by the Mets.  The last person to cut a Ruben was my deli man, Herb.  *high fives self*  All I need is a do-rag and a foam hand with my name and I’d be cooler than Hulk Hogan before he was a racist amateur pornographer.  Nah’mean?!  So, this opens up the job of utility infielder to Wilmer Flores.  He’s so gonna cry happy tears now.  Wilmer’s in my top 20 2nd basemen, but nowhere near the top 20.  Yabba dabba do!

Bronson Arroyo – Career might be over after being diagnosed with a torn labrum in his shoulder.  That’s the last time he tries to do the slide solo Layla outro.

Jeremy Jeffress – Brewers manager Craig Counsell announced the Brewers would not name a closer prior to the season.  When Counsell announced it, he held the microphone way over his head in a weird stance.  My money’s still on Jeffress getting the majority of the saves for the Brewers, which could be why I’m broke.  Will Smith would be the next candidate.  #Closerssowhite

Johnny Cueto – Was hit in the head by a comebacker.  Suspiciously, the ball was autographed by Jason LaRue.  Giants are saying Cueto should be fine.

Denard Span – Exited yesterday’s game with a jammed shoulder.  Getting that April DL stint out of the way early, huh?  He injured himself diving for a ball in a meaningless game, rather than saving himself for our fantasy teams.  Jam yourself like that, you gotta be a Smucker.

Michael Lorenzen – Diagnosed with a mild UCL sprain.  Paging Dr. James Andrews, paging Dr. James Andrews.  “Ugh, I just started soaking in a bathtub filled with Goldschläger.  Minus the schläger.”  That’s the doctor being interrupted.

Trevor May – Twins said he’d work out of the bullpen this year.  Well, yeah, they have Ricky Nolasco.

Daniel Descalso – Out a month with a small fracture in his hand.  He was a possible fill-in for Reyes.  When pressed about the possibility of Trevor Story, Walt Weiss asked, “What story do you want to hear?  About the time Carney Lansford and I hid chicken under third base when we were playing against Wade Boggs?  That story?”

Edwin Encarnacion – Out a week with an oblique issue.  The Jays are saying it’s minor and Edwin should be back in time to be ready for Opening Day, and I believe them.  I think Edwin will be fine, but that doesn’t mean he will stay healthy all year.  At this point, I think you have to put his over/under at 130 games.

Scott Kazmir – Showing diminished velocity.  Hello, red flag, I’m assuming you’re not here because you want to drape yourself around a Communist Olympian, but because Kazmir is a major caution now, right?  Yeah, I hear ya, red flag.  Kazmir sat in the 86-89 MPH range with his fastball.  That’s from a guy who had a 6.52 ERA last September.  I saw Kazmir come up in my slow draft the other day, and I didn’t want any part of him.  His deal with the devil to stay healthy last year sounds headed to accounts payable.

Yasiel Puig – MLB said he won’t be suspended for hitting his sister.  Only if he lived in Alabama.