Welcome, weary traveler, dedicated reader, ardent supporter of yours truly and of the game of balls and diamonds. Welcome. We find ourselves near the ides of the season, the midway point if you will, and it is time once again to examine the current state of the greatest tournament in the land, the RazzSlam!
Where to begin, when first we examine the third month of this season? There is, of course, an elephant in the room, as it were. The Major Leagues of Baseball have found themselves in a– how to say this delicately, so as not to offend the sensibilities of the erudite readers of this fine publication?– sticky situation.
I dare not venture further into bawdiness, lest I betray my own sensibilities as well. As the pen-wielding masses of this Digital Age are oft reminded, “write not that which you would not have your mother gaze upon.” It’s a common phrase, to be certain. Go ahead, Google it (with guillemets surrounding the phrase for an exact match, of course). I’ll wait.
See? Exceptionally common phrase.
Back to the matter at hand-covered-in-suspicious-substance (there! I have done it! too bawdy by a measure!), MLB has decided in this past month that now, not before the current season, and not before the next, but now, is the appropriate time to suddenly decide to enforce regulations they had previously been more than cavalier about.
The boys in blue have turned into the town pediatrician visiting the local high school gym and asking every lad to turn his head and cough. It’s gotten so bad that even position players, dragooned into service atop the mound, sent to the bump as sacrificial lambs amid an ongoing slaughter, are not immune to the suspicions of such vaunted luminaries as Angel Hernandez and Joe West, titans of integrity that they are.
Alack, the results are trickling in, dear reader, and indeed, it seems that the Pastime’s crackdown on its own men has reduced spin rates, raised the league batting average from .239 in May to .245 in June, and all but eliminated what had become the weekly spectacle of the No Hitter.
And surely, this sudden intense interest in the condition of grown men’s palms has only to do with the integrity of The Game, and nothing at all to do with upcoming labor negotiations, for it is purely coincidence that now would be the time for this scrutiny, now, the season before the expiration of the current Collective Bargaining Agreement betwixt the MLB and the Players’ Association.
Couldn’t be.
Why, look not at what the league is doing, look! For there is suddenly a man on second!
Why does Robert D. Manfred, Jr., hate baseball?
Let us shift our attention then away from Manfred’s Clown Show and Circus Extraordinaire, to what really matters: The RazzSlam!
First, let us dispense with the suspense, as it were, and let me announce your faithful correspondent’s current position: 215th! A rise! My team is blooming late, for sure, so late in fact that it will have no material impact on the outcome of the contest, but I strive now for a “Top 200 Finish” and I hope you can cheer on my efforts in this! Applause! Applause!
As for the players who are actually succeeding in the RazzSlam, let us take a quick look at our April and May Top 5s:
April Top 5:
- Brian Seymour
- Sammy Reid
- Ellis Canady
- Nick Mariano
- Coolwhip
May Top 5:
- Nick Mariano
- Chris Dopp
- Sammy Reid
- Joe Asher
- Brian Seymour
So where do things stand now, at the end of June?
In first place remains the indefatigable Nick Mariano of Rotoballer. Salvador Perez has contributed mightily of late, and with the continuing performances of the likes of Aaron Judge, Marcus Semien, and JD Martinez, it’s no wonder Mariano’s brigade is putting up the hitting numbers. The surprise is greater on the pitching side of things, as Zack Wheeler and Freddy Peralta have registered herculean efforts after very little draft season fanfare.
Remaining in second place is fan Chris Dopp, and for many of the same reasons as last month: namely, Fernando Tatis Jr., Vladimir Guerrero Jr., Yu Darvish, Trevor Bauer, etc., etc. His stranglehold on second place is impressive, for while he trails Mariano by just ~140 points, he is above our next competitor by over 300.
Which brings us to Joe Asher, who improves from 4th to 3rd at the expense of Sammy Reid this month. Nick Castellanos, Marcus Semien, and Jake Cronenworth are helping to lead his hitting efforts, whilst sixty and a half feet from the plate, his squad boasts a balanced bullpen, with six pitchers scoring between 220-265 points this season, an impressive feat of equity.
In fourth is a new entrant to our top five, an analyst from across the pond who writes and podcasts as Rototrix, Mr. Ryan Owen, who leans on Marcus Semien (a common thread among successful teams it seems), Matt Olson, and Jesse Winker for his plate power, while Kevin Gausman, Max Scherzer, and Sean “The Throwin’ Samoan” Manaea have been impressive hurlers for the Briton.
Finally in our wrapup, who could be in fifth place again, one of only two men to be featured herein for all three months, but the inimitable Bryan Seymour of the RotoWager podcast (among others). Marcus Semien (again! on four of the top five squads!), Jesse Winker, and Jose Ramirez lead the way for Seymour, while his pitching efforts lean hard on Josh Hader, Kyle Gibson, and Tyler Mahle (the last of which was someone avoided like the plague by yours truly this past offseason. C’est la vie).
And there you have it. The current Top Five of the RazzSlam looks significantly like the previous Top Five, swapping out just Reid (who, it must be mentioned, sits just 29 points behind Seymour in sixth place) in favor of Owen.
What will happen to these standings as the League continues to half-undress pitchers in front of throngs of booing fans in search of Spider-Tack? Time alone, dear reader, will tell the tale.
Until next time, I am forever and gratefully yours,
— Bob Allison Chains
