For the 2nd time in two months, Yu Darvish has woken with a stiffy. A stiff neck, that is. Perhaps he should swallow the Viagra pill rather than letting it dissolve in his mouth before bedtime. On the fo’serious, what’s the problem with Texas and necks? I blame the NRA. They insert themselves in national debate, always pointing their finger at people and away from themselves. That’s the Neck Rehab Association. That was clear, right? What does Yu’s bed and pillow arrangement look like? Did he have his favorite Japanese architect of those tiny little cot-beds that are in hotels in Tokyo design his house? Maybe the Hello Kitty pillow is meant more for adornment rather than comfort. Can I have answers, I insist on truthiness. If I were the Rangers, I’d probably take a look at how he’s sleeping, that’s all I’m sayin’. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Prince Fielder – Underwent neck surgery. I debated about whether or not to show this, but most of the news outlets have been carrying it, so I figured it was fine. If you’re squeamish, I suggest you don’t look, but here is what the doctors took out of Prince Fielder’s neck.
Alex Rios – 3-for-4, 1 run, hitting .330. Which is terrific, wonderful, caps-locked super, but he only has three homers and I want more said a’la Veruca Salt.
Phil Hughes – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. 7th consecutive Quality Start and 6th straight game without a walk. 3.75 ERA, 1.15 WHIP, that’s Phil of the future.
Oswaldo Arcia – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Yes, you should pick him up. Yes, right now. Come back, this will be here. Go, now, shoo.
Carlos Santana – To the 7-day DL with a concussion. Maybe he’ll return remembering how to hit a gee-dee baseball.
Nick Swisher – Hit the DL with a hyperextended knee. And here I thought the only thing he hyperextended was his sideburns.
Lonnie Chisenhall – 1-for-2, 1 run. With Santana hitting the DL, Chisenhall should see playing time for at least a week, and I’m guessing Santana misses at least two weeks. Oh, and Chisenhall is hitting around .370 on the season. Yup.
Matt Kemp – Benched for the fifth straight day. In related news, Don Mattingly cuts the beef off a steak and eats the gristle.
Carl Crawford – Left the game with an ankle injury. And Kemp didn’t even replace him! Seriously, dubya tee eff, Mattingly? Were your brains in your mustache? Crawford is likely headed to the DL, so I guess this means everyday playing time for Scott Van Slyke. I hope I’m joking.
Zack Greinke – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks. Not only has he rebounded in a huge way from his peripherals last year, but he’s posting some of the best numbers of his career, and I’m not talking ERA, but that’s spectacular too (2.18).
Andre Ethier – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Taking advantage of the playing time he’s getting for blackmailing Mattingly.
Carlos Marmol – Signed a deal with the Reds. The Reds are hoping to turn Marmol around. Or at least have him act as a decoy for kidnappers that Aroldis attracts.
Alfredo Simon – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER. The Regression Fairies can recite the entire Madonna/Warren Beatty scene in Truth or Dare, they know Lady Gaga’s birthday and they will not be afraid to knock down any pitcher, not even Alfredo Simon.
Devin Mesoraco – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .361. For the first time in a while, it looks like the Reds have a power hitter batting third. Snap in a Votto formation!
Evan Gattis – Scratched with a strained wrist, but he should be back in a day or two. He’s just taking it one day at a time like when he used to sleep in a shopping cart in the salad bar aisle of A&P.
Andrelton Simmons – Day-to-day with ankle inflammation. He said it felt like the heat sensors of Planet Zorbeth were coursing through his for-show veins, then tip-toed slowly out of the room.
Aaron Harang – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. The Braves haven’t missed their injured starters with Harang answering the call.
Jason Heyward – 1-for-5 with a leadoff home run, his 4th. I’m sure we’re all familiar with this sensation. A guy hits a home run in his first at-bat and you’re psyched for a huge game, then they do nothing. We should have a glossary term for a player that hits a home run in his first at-bat then does nothing the rest of the game. Please suggest in the comments.
Clay Buchholz – Headed to the Disgraceful List with a hyperextended ERA.
Jon Lester – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 7 Ks as he broke the Red Sox losing streak. Glad the Red Sox didn’t have to have Big Papi dress up in a skirt so Pedroia could slump bust.
James Paxton – Shut down with shoulder inflammation. It’s like him and Taijuan Walker are having one of those childhood races between brothers to not take a bath. No, you first!
Nick Franklin – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, which is nice, but it would be even nicer if he just played every day. You call him up to what? Chitchat on the bench? Talk about the new Sam Smith album? Well, I could do that. It’s insanely good, but how does he look like Boy George? He’s like the Charlie Blackmon of R&B singers.
C.J. Cron – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .300. That’s in only 20 games, so he has been hitting for power in his short time in the majors. The Sciosciapath could bench him at any moment for no reason whatsoever, but if you’re struggling for a corner in deeper leagues, I could see grabbing him.
Mark Teixeira – Sat out again with a sore wrist. He’s pist. At the time he mist. While his fantasy owners are full of wist. Flav calls Souljah, sist. Marshmallow Fluff, Teddy Grahams and kumquats is my shopping list. Orange juice manufacturers shorten to ‘kist. How’d I start this, eh, that’s hist. Dyslexic fans of Six Feet Under love Ymerej O Sist. Yo, doc, is that a tumor or a cist? This was a track off my debut album from my high school band, General Gist.
Lance Lynn – 9 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the Yankees. You know how the standard bearer for all great offenses is the 1927 Yankees? Well, I’m gonna start calling this team the 1987 Yankees. Pags might actually be better than any power bat in their lineup yesterday, That’s present-day Pags.
Matt Holliday – 3-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. Wow, he got old fast. In another two years, he’s gonna be patrolling left in Yankee Stadium!
Allen Craig – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. What did I say? He’d be hitting .280 by June 15th? Still sounds good, but he could get there by June 7th. And I’m saying this and I don’t even own him anywhere. Respek!
Matt Adams – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. I just had a fun idea for the All-Star Game. Fun idea alert! Have Morganna throw out the first pitch and have Matt Adams run on the field and kiss her.
Noah Syndergaard – MRI came back clean on his elbow. The Mets celebrated by having him throw 180 curveballs.
Travis d’Arnaud – Expected back on Wednesday. Hey, that’s today! You snuck up on me!
Jenrry Mejia – 2 IP, 0 ER and the save. Terry Collins, or as he should be called Soon-To-Be Wally Backman, didn’t know how else to blow a game without Valverde, so he tried to throw his closer for 37 pitches.
Juan Lagares – 2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs. He hasn’t done much in the last week, but with EY DL’d, Lagares should be the leadoff man for the foreseeable future, assuming you can only see two weeks into the future.
Jon Niese – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 2 Ks, ERA at 2.74. He needs that nose of his to block the BBs from his eyes.
Alex Presley – 3-for-3, 1 RBI, and hitting well in the last week with most of that coming in the last four games (10-for-18). Hot schmotato alert!
Collin McHugh – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks vs. Jeremy Guthrie (6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks). In a matchup that had fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) almost streaming then screaming sonava-didn’t-pick-up! McHugh’s ERA is down to 2.80, and I swear to you I owned him for his one start that he looked like a McFool. McHugh’s peripherals don’t scream out regression (10 K/9, 2.4 BB/9, 2.98 xFIP) and I’m about to own Keuchel and McHugh on one team, which I did not draw up back in March. As for Guthrie, he is a streamer and the Stream-o-Nator rightfully thinks he’s garbage for his next start.
Yordano Ventura – MRI showed no damage to his elbow and he’s expected to only miss one start. Halleberrylujah! Yost said the MRI showed “valgus stress overload,” which sounds like something a female porn star would have. It basically means he could be in trouble in 50 innings or in 350 innings, but at some point, he’s going to need major surgery. So, let’s form a prayer octagon that he gets through this season.
Alex Cobb – 5 IP, 6 ER vs. the Blue Jays. Movable object meets Edwin Encarnacion’s swing. Movable object meets lady’s lap in the outfield seats which causes her to drop her roasted squirrel sandwich and poutine, or whatever they eat in Canada.
Sean Rodriguez – 2-for-3, 1 run, 3 RBIs. Few more games like this and Joe Maddon will be hitting him third. By the by, his last three-hole hitter, Matt Joyce, is now hitting ninth. Seriously, is there any other manager than can readily move his three-hole hitter to ninth without so much as an explanation? It’s like he’s playing Jenga on the moon.
Sonny Gray – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, raising his ERA to 2.31. Was a bad day for mi novios, but his opponent Max Scherzer (6 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks) raised his ERA to 3.00, so there’s still a way for me to turn this into a positive. My Gray skies are Sonny!
John Jaso – 1-for-1 and his 5th homer, until he was replaced by Derek Norris, who has five of his own homers. I wonder if next year Rotoworld will rank the platoon of John Jaso and Derek Norris in the first round.
Torii Hunter – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 7th homer. V-Mart let Hunter carry his dead, rotting brain for one night as he Zombino’d.
Adam Lind – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Lind went pretty silent there for a while, but he’s hitting close to .450 in the last week and now the power is coming along too. Giddy up!
Juan Francisco – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. Little did you know you should’ve been asking in March, Ryan Zimmerman or Juan Francisco?
Mark Buehrle – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, moving his ERA to 2.33 and his record to 9-1. Unremarkbuehrle!
Tim Hudson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 1.92. Your All-Star Game starters, Mark Buehrle and Tim Hudson. This time it’s for the real old!
Gordon Beckham – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .296. Yes, it’s a product of how bad 2nd basemen are that we’re even interested in Beckham, but he has been hitting for a while now.
Khris Davis – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer and 2nd in as many games. Member Domonic Brown’s crazy month last year when he hit like 20 homers in 18 games? I’m willing Davis to have a similar type month. If you need power, grab him immediately.
Matt Garza – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA down to 4.84, which is whatevs, but I just wanted to say the Brewers really seem like they’re having one of those charmed years when they inexplicably get to the playoffs, and then are eliminated in the first series.
Mark Reynolds – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 12th homer. In less than a week, he’s given me more power than Prince Fielder did the entire season. The H is O and Mini Donkey is H!
Nelson Cruz – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 17th homer. Cute, now get hurt already!
Zach Britton – 1 IP, 1 ER and the blown save. Was about as innocuous of a blown save as you can get, and he’s got a long way to look as bad as Tommy Hunter, but Showalter might not wait that long. I’d grab O’Day if you’re struggling for SAGNOF!
Mark Trumbo – Expected to hit from the batting cage today. I’ve had so many DL’d players, I totally forgot about this one. It’s like when you eat a whole box of Cracker Jack and forget about the prize until you crap it out.
Wade Miley – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 11 Ks. Wow, Miley was doing twerk yesterday. He is a streamer, and the Stream-o-Nator does like his next start, though for the life of me I have no idea why.
Martin Prado – 1-for-4 and his 1st home run. After a hideous start, he is hitting .333 in the last week and now even has a home run to show for it. I’m not a huge Prado fan, but he should be better than he has been.
Tommy Medica – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer as he started in front of Yonder Alonso due to the Padres facing a lefty. Though, if we’re being fair, the Padres should bench their entire lineup against righties and lefties.
Nolan Arenado – Updated timetable has him out 4-6 weeks. Or as I like to say, “Only 42 more days of Chris Parmelee.”
Carlos Gonzalez – Left yesterday’s game with a bruised calf. He’s day-to-day or Day II Day if this were an R&B song.
Charlie Blackmon – 0-for-1, has now sat twice in the last four games against lefties. In related news, Walt Weiss’s longest relationship was five dates.
Drew Stubbs – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 6th steal. I like him, but if he’s only starting vs. lefties, then his value is diminished. I’m married so I know how that feels.
Ben Revere – Homered for the first time in 1565 plate appearances. The Mayans, “Finally!”
