This is an excerpt of a phone call Razzball intercepted during Thursday’s afternoon games. Since both states involved are two-party consent, we cannot reveal who recorded the call, but it rhymes with Fray Mallbright. Here, let’s listen in:

“Hello, this is the CEO of Spider Tack, the world’s stickiest, gummiest, craziest, shouldn’t-be-used-on-a-baseballiest stuff. Who’s calling?”
Our Commissioner Rob Manfred disguised his voice so he sounded raspy, and said, “I’m Kathleen Turner. I was wondering if you would sell me 7,000 cases of your Spider Tack, and send them individually to pitchers’ homes?”
“Body Heat’s Kathleen Turner? Romancing the Stone’s Kathleen Turner? Not to get all James Lipton, but I am a huge fan of your–”
“Okay, fanboy, if I get you 7,000 addresses, will you send the Spider Tack?”
“Can I ask why you want the Spider Tack sent to pitcher’s homes?”
Rob dropped the Kathleen Turner rasp and said, “So, we can bust them and they’ll all lose their arbitration cases!” Then cackled evilly for five minutes, finally adding, “Deal?”

Have you heard this latest? Pete Alonso has accused Rob Manfred of manipulating the ball, depending on the free agent class. He said it’s a fact. I’m 100% here for conspiracy lunacy. Rob Manfred, evil genius or dumbf*ck? So hard to say! Yesterday, Zack Wheeler (8 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.29) continued his fantastic season, and it appears he has no additional spin on his 4-seamer. His expected ERA is 2.55, and xBA is .202. Also, his velocity is up on his fastball (97+ MPH) and his 81 MPH curve has a .119 xBA, which is hilarious. Lots still can happen, but Wheeler looks like a Cy Young candidate, and top five starter in baseball, assuming he doesn’t get a mysterious package from Kathleen Turner. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball: