I think the biggest question I always get when I’m out for dinner trying to inconspicuously eat is: Who should I cuff and when should I start drafting handcuffs for the inevitable closerpocalypse? My advice is always: As soon as I am done eating, I will tell you. I then proceed to give them the Irish goodbye and smile as I gleefully think that I got the best of them. But in all seriousness, the biggest question is: Do I cuff myself or do I cuff someone else’s closer? Me personally, I am a “cuff someone else’s” kinda guy. This way, it gives you better odds to have another closer. Where as if you cuff yourself, you are only replacing what you already drafted to expect. So in theory, look for the best cuff options that you currently don’t own and steal them from someone else. Leaving them short and for you, the possible plus one. So with this theory in mind, I have made a list of the guys that I would want to draft first, second and so on. I have done closer lists with their back-ups, holds guys, and the pecking order and now you get the best handcuff options to draft and sit on. Enjoy!
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- Nate Jones – D-Rob isn’t going to be around for ever.
- Carter Capps – Screw the wind-up hullabaloo, dude can straight up pitch.
- Matt Bush – Dyson looks cozy, but call me crazy, it eerily looks like the Tolleson situation to me from last year.
- Daniel Hudson – I just talked the other day about it. Long story short, Watson is a better reliever than closer.
- Hector Neris – Everyone is convinced that he is already the closer, I am not. Gomez needs to not pitch like he ended the season. Until then, I see Jeanmar being the guy until he isn’t.
- Kyle Barraclough – I was going to put Zig-zag in here, but he’s boring. Bear claw is the closer goods.
- Greg Holland / Adam Ottavino – Whomever wins it, loses it. So better for you.
- Sean Doolittle – Too many cooks in the A’s cupboard for me to trust anyone. His injury history isn’t so warm and fuzzy either.
- Arodys Vizcaino – Which Jimmy Johns is going to show up?
- Corey Knebel – Is Mr. Happy really going to be the closer for a rebuilding club all year?
- Jake Barrett – It’s Fernando freaking Rodney for Christ’s sake.
- Joe Jimenez – K-Rod hasn’t looked like anything concrete, since the teamsters were the teamsters.
- I didn’t include Andrew Miller and Dellin Betances, because if you are in a league and they are still on the board before any of these guys, quit the league drive to Reno and get a tattoo.
- Until the situations in Washington and Cincinnati become more unmuddled we can narrow in some names. Treat them all as ownable.
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.
Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.
These guys are the men that make the save market go round. They punch in, punch out. Have the job, no real threat to speak of, and are basically just there to collect great benny’s so they can take care of their crippled brother. Who is only really crippled because he is scared of the sun.
I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Carlos Marmol– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Castro in the head with a pick-off throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.