I loved when Junior Lake homered the other day and, as he rounded first base, he held his finger to his lips, shushing the Marlins dugout, as if he was some kind of maniacal librarian. The only disappointing thing from this whole encounter is no one wrote an article titled, “Junior Mince Words.” It’s that kinda of braggadocio, WWE-type attitude that makes Grey’s man muscles tingly. Baseball needs to shed its 1920s demeanor and get rowdy-bawdy. If rowdy-bawdy means acting a fool, what the eff, go for it! The game is losing fans and fans want crazy/stupid/cool. Even in the conservative Japan, baseball players flip their bats like they’re cutting up an imaginary origami crane. I say everyone needs to come up with their own home run trot and pitchers need to blow on their gun finger after a K. As for Junior Lake, I’m a big fan outside of the theatrics. He’s a 12-homer, 15-steal guy that should play most days until Soler returns. I’ve added him everywhere I could. After I added him, I shushed my hand on my mouse. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Lance McCullers – As we arrive at the end of the week, I like to reflect on the previous week and recount pitchers that pitched well, and hot schmotatoes that hot schmotatoed. With that reflective, grateful state of mind, I’d also like to thank all of you. Without you, this would not have been possible. To think, that’s only with nine ads per page! This blog game is almost as rewarding as when I got my name in the phone book! I should also thank my father, who looks like he signed that check. I’m now going to take Cougs out for a picnic with two packages of ramen!
Charlie Morton – Morton is a streamer, and I’d check the Stream-o-Nator for him. With that said (reversal time!), I trust him vs. the Braves, contrary to the SON, and he has a decent following start. I don’t usually like Morton though, but that story got lazy, so I rewrote the ending. Manipulated the entry, now more user-friendly.
Tsuyoshi Wada – His peripherals look like sweet, sweet candy. Grey looking at peripherals? Wada know.
Kyle Hendricks – I just gave you my Kyle Hendricks fantasy. I wrote it while watching Law squiggly line Order.
Taijuan Walker – I almost left Walker off this week’s buy, because I think he’s going to get rocked in his next start, and I feel like most people just look at the names and don’t read the blurbs, but I guess eff me. Plus, they won’t read this either, so really eff em. Eff em in their effin eff hole!
Tommy Milone – I just went over Milone this morning. If you can get your pants on in the morning, you can find it. “Hmm…” pondered the reader who is currently pantless.
Addison Reed – You ever own a potential closer and just know he’s going to explode with four earned runs in a third of a inning before even getting a save? That’s how I feel about my stash of Reed. Not to be confused with my mustache, that’s glorious.
Sergio Romo – Slow week for SAGNOF, and Romo gave up a run the other day, but Casilla has been as erratic as a former child star in their 20s, but not as erratic as a former child star in their 30s and more alive than most former child stars in their 40s.
Welington Castillo – To paraphrase Ghostface Killah, “All around the world today, the Castillo is the measure of a 2nd catcher in a two catcher league. (Whoever got the Castillo got the candy, man!) A Castillo is one thousand grams of boeuf, it’s easy to remember.”
Ben Paulsen – I love Paulsen (in Coors)! Of course, I love anyone in Coors (don’t you read your own parentheticals?).
Mark Reynolds – With Matt Adams’s BMI finally getting the best of him, Mini Donkey has been seeing everyday starts. Hasn’t been all brays to Mini Donkey yet, but in deep leagues, you could do worst for your corner infidel. How worse is the question. And to be or not to be. And how much is that doggie in the window. Truth talk, Cougs is related to the guy that wrote “How Much Is That Doggie In The Window?” I’m related to a guy that once hung price tags on dogs in a window.
Jace Peterson – Has been hot schmotato’ing since you were in diapers, assuming you’ve been incontinent for the past two weeks.
Javier Baez – Some buzz buzz-buzz-buzzing around that Baez could be up soon. His minor league numbers are saying that he’s corrected his strikeout problem, at least partially. I would stash Baez, but the only problem is I have no idea where he’s going to play. Outfield platoon with Lake and Coghlan? Platoon with Russell? Castro? With Joe Maddon, all of that is possible. Shoot (not you, Dick Cheney!), with Maddon, it’s possible Baez plays shortstop with Castro, but at-bats may be hard to come by for Baez.
Delino DeShields – I recently dropped DeShields in one league because he wasn’t getting enough steals to justify my love and La Isla Bonita, and I needed RBIs and power and, well, I guess what I’m saying is I wish I held him for when Josh Hamilton got hurt. After Beltre returns, Gallo is likely to play in the outfield against righties, especially if he continues to whack dongs like he’s Caitlyn Jenner’s doctor, but DeShields should see time in the outfield, too.
Will Middlebrooks – Sandovals to the left of me, Maikels to the right, stuck Middlebrooks in my corner infidel slot with you.
Garrett Jones – He’s been hitting recently, and the Hitter-Tron loves him vs. righties. Of course, the Hitter-Tron might also be thinking of its high school crush, Robot Jones.
Wilmer Flores – News of out Metco is they might trade for a shortstop because they absolutely hate Wilmer. I’ve never seen an organization hate a player more since Steve Howe and the organization of drug-sniffing dogs. Effin’ teamster dogs!
Gerardo Parra – Rice Suave should see everyday at-bats with Khris Davis tearing his menichus. Parra offers light speed, power and runs, and if you say his last name while rolling your R’s, you sound like a Spanish cat.
Randal Grichuk – Has been in the lineup on most days, hitting fifth and Grichuk has been filling in on the 2nd power-play line for the Blues.
Billy Burns – That his ownership is still under 50% owned Burns me up like chlamydia.
Cameron Maybin – *waits, refreshes Braves Twitter feed* Well, as of now, Maybin’s still playing and healthy.
Andre Ethier – I dislike this schmohawk more than you, I promise, but I would pick him up, Ethier way.
Adam Eaton – I looked at Eaton’s previous ten days on Monday and saw he hadn’t done anything that exciting, so I dropped him. Then he started going off. I’m like Mr. Magoo, but when I unsuspectingly walk up a scaffolding, I fall and break my femur.
Joey Butler – Every time he gets a hit, scream, “The Butler did it!” But first grab him, pretending you have a Clue.
Steven Souza – He’s under 50% owned? Are you people kidding me? Tell me this is a joke. He’s the Kazoo! You know, the white man’s Mike Cameron.
Preston Tucker – Love how the Astros seem committed to making Tucker work. The only teensy problem is he’s not exactly working. I’m giving him through the weekend, then moving on. You heard it here first! Unless you also read Rassball, where I copy all my blurbs from some guy named Al Gaybright.
SELL
Prince Fielder – The last thing to return for a hitter is their power, said no one about a 325-pound man that resembles Chet in Weird Science after he’s turned into a pile of poop. Right now, Fielder is hitting .358 with a .376 BABIP. In what universe is he a .376 BABIP guy? Maybe Andrelton knows the answer, but I have no idea. All I know is Fielder is in the Milky Way galaxy — the chocolatey, nougaty, caramely Milky Way galaxy. So the average drops what do we have left? Well, he’s not hitting for much power, so I don’t know. Maybe RBIs. Wouldn’t count on him for much more than that. I wouldn’t sell Fielder for Chris Kattan’s career, but I would explore options.
