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Back in 2012, Byron Buxton was the Louis Vuitton of baseball, as he was rated the best prospect in all the land. After the 2013 minor league season, Buxton proved that he wasn’t some Chinese knock off, as he was named Baseball America’s Minor League Player of the Year. Things were going swimmingly until he got his first taste of big league experience in 2015. All good. Mike Trout struggled his first time too. After spending some time in Triple-A the following season, he got another shot, when he continued to be overmatched. After a brief stint in Triple-A again to start 2017, Buxton got another call up. Wouldn’t you know? He continued to struggle. But….there’s always a but.

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If you hail from Central New Jersey, sorry. I didn’t mean to get your hopes up. Albert Pujols does not represent the 609. If you are a Ludacris fan, sorry. Pujols may or may not have garden hoes in different area codes, but I can neither confirm nor deny it. Rather, Pujols slugged his 609th career home run Friday night. It doesn’t matter that it came off Jeremy Hellickson, who’s allowed the 14th-most home runs this season, and is already the 439th-worst of all time. I was going to go on an epic rant about how all the stories are focused on the fact that he’s tied with Sammy Sosa for the most home runs by a foreign-born player. Who gives a flying F where he was born? Then I started thinking, I wonder which player born in Los Angeles has hit the most home runs. Yet again, I’ve managed to stymie myself. Anyways, who cares that Pujols has a triple slash of .229/.274/.374 with an ISO of .144. Let’s just celebrate the great career he’s had and send him off into the sunset after this season. My self checks to make sure this is his last year…

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Kolten Wong (14.2% owned – increase of 9%) was far from being the most added player over the past week. In fact, he barely made the list, but the fact that he made the list at all is amazing. It would be Wong of me to not at least dig into him further, no?

Ok, I apologize. That was bad. Anyways, since the start of the month, Wong has a triple-slash of .375/.458/.583 with one home run, five doubles, one triple, 12 runs scored, 10 RBI, and one stolen base. Remember, back in 2014 Wong hit 12 home runs and stole 20 bases, so there’s some potential here. Let’s break it, break it down. He’s walking 10% and striking out 14% of the time. Those are nice numbers and an improvement from his 2014/2015 numbers. BUT…they are very close to his 2016 numbers when he hit .240. The swinging strike rate hasn’t changed but the chase rate has improved by 5%. In addition, his contact on pitches outside the strike zone has increased 6%. He’s also hitting left-handed pitching very, very well so far (.333 average vs .258 career mark). Now, to the portion of the show that you’ve all been sitting on the edge of your seats for…..We are not Wong to be overlooking Kolten. The BABIP is a sky-high .353. That batting average is going to come back down to the .260-ish range. That batting average against lefties is fueled by a .385 BABIP. Nothing in the peripherals shows a drastic change that motivates me to think that his recent success is sustainable. Looks like a lot of luck. TRASH

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I miss old school Eddie Murphy. It pains me to think about the Dr. Dolittle movies he made. Anyways, I give thanks everyday that I live in the day of YouTube so that I can re-watch his classics. I still cry myself into the fetal position when I load up Raw. In particular, the part where he talks about seeing Johnny Carson in a tabloid magazine with the look of a man that’s struggling to take a shit. Why does he have that look? Because he’s getting divorced and the wife is taking half. Now Eddie is like F that. I’m going to Africa to get me a bush woman. But as his new African queen gets friendly with the native women of America, they teach her about rights and power (NSFW)…

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Ever since the Tampa Bay Rays selected Tim Beckham (41.6% owned – increase of 31.8%) with the number one overall selection in the 2008 MLB Draft, it’s been a headache for the city and the organization. Young girls flocked from all over to see him. The increase in the number of tourists strained the infrastructure. The paparazzi were everywhere! Even when the organization denied that David Beckham was not bending balls around posts, it was deemed as #Fake News. Pictures of Tim Beckham were tweeted and sent to news organizations all over the world to provide visual evidence that it was indeed not David. Regardless, conspiracy theorists alleged that the pictures were doctored and/or David was wearing an elaborate mask. Finally, in June of this year, the Rays finally took the necessary steps to alleviate themselves of the problem by trading two prospects to the Miami Marlins for Adeiny Hechavarria and, finally, trading Tim to the Baltimore Orioles for a pitcher. Like a lion freed from the cages at the circus, Tim has been wreaking havoc. In eight games with the Baltimore Orioles, he’s batting .500/.515/.938 with three home runs, three doubles, and a triple. Now, there’s a lot of ugly to his game, as he strikes out 30% of the time and has a swinging strike rate of 16%. With that said, he’s moving to a better park for hitting and he’s been batting sixth in a potentially potent lineup. I’ve seen mention that JJ Hardy will supplant him when he returns. In best Nancy Kerrigan voice, Whhhhhhyyyyy????? Anyways, Beckham obviously isn’t going to continue hitting at the torrid pace that he’s on. There’s just too much swing and miss to his game. But there’s a ton of upside. TREASURE

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From 2010-2015, Jose Bautista was one of the best power hitters in the game. If not for injury, it’s conceivable to think he could’ve had six consecutive 40+ home run seasons. For perspective, Babe Ruth has the record with seven seasons. The next two? Alex Rodriguez and Sammy Sosa. Things that make you go, hmmmmm. I’m not saying anything, but I just wrote something, so I am saying something without actually saying it. Hey! Look over there! Now that I’ve mind mind melded you, Bautista has a triple slash line of .215/.322/.383 with 17 home runs, 65 runs scored, 49 RBI, and five stolen bases for the 2017 season. What can we expect going forward?

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Camelot is the supposed castle and court of the legendary and romanticized King Arthur. Over time, it’s come to mean “any idyllic place or period, especially one of great happiness.” My view of Camelot is best expressed by Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Which seamlessly transitions to Ben Gamel (25.7% owned – increase of 9.7%). As you can see, I had some difficulty with this week’s post. Gamel has definitely made the Mariners and fantasy owners happy. He’s batting .313/.364/.449 with six home runs, 56 runs scored, 36 RBI, and three stolen bases. You want legendary? Since 1871, Gamel is currently ranked 22nd OVERALL in BABIP with a .410 mark. Ty Cobb has two seasons better than him and Babe Ruth is seventh with a .423 mark. For some useless information that could possibly net you money at a bar or something, Ross Barnes has the two greatest BABIP seasons of all-time with a .438 mark. What does it mean? Well, that number is coming down. It’s like the probability of Snap trading below it’s IPO price. It was bound to happen because all the VC’s and funds that got in for a $1 or less were going to unload some of their shares for a huge profit at the first opportunity. Now, that doesn’t mean that the shares are going to zero. In fact, look at how Facebook and Twitter traded around their IPO’s. Ok, back to Gamel. It’s very encouraging that he’s hitting both lefties and righties well. In fact, he was in the two-hole when the Mariners faced off against Chris Sale. With that said, he still only has six home runs and three stolen bases in 364 plate appearances. What’s the upside here? TRASH

Here’s what else I saw over the past week:

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Never judge a book by it’s cover. F that.The first thing I do is immediately judge a book by its cover because on the cover is written the title of the book. If I don’t like the sound of it, there’s a 99.9% chance I move onto the next. The 0.1% is reserved for books that have pictures of naked ladies on the cover. I’ve got kids to raise and DFS lineups to make. I ain’t got the time to not judge a book by its cover. The same principle can be applied to most things in life. Whether we like it or not, we judge people by how they look. It’s only natural, as that’s usually the first piece of information we are exposed to.The roots can probably be chased back to our caveman days when everything had to be classified as either friend or foe. What if we can’t see a person? But can only judge them by the sound of their name? Manuel Margot. How did you pronounce it? Was it like MarGO? Like Vincent Van Gogh or escargot? Sounds French. Smooth and sophisticated perhaps. How about like MarGOT? Like Marge Schott? Sounds rough and abrasive. The cool thing about baseball is that we don’t give a shit whether a player is black or white, tall or short, fat or skinny, or is named Rusty Kuntz or Johnny Dickshot. At the end of the day, it’s all about whether they produce or not. Will we be soon be calling him Manny MarGOAT?

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I was craving sashimi last night, so I sauntered to my local sushi joint. When I walked through the door, I heard the familiar, “Irrashaimase maido,” from the chefs behind the counter. As I nodded my head down reverently, I realized there was a new member of the crew. I like to live dangerously, so I sat down at the bar in front of him. I usually ask the chef, “What’s good today?” but last night it was just, “Prepare what you think is best.” Like I said, I like to live dangerously. If I wasn’t sitting on the edge of my seat in anticipation, I would’ve knocked my chair backwards and banged my head on the floor from the show I was presented. It was all so un-Benihana-esque. The skill. The grace. As he wiped the sweat from his forehead after slicing and dicing the manta rays placed before him, I asked him one simple question. “Who are you?” He looked me in the eye and responded, “I am Masahiro Tanaka of the New York Yankees.” Tanaka was perfect for five innings Friday night. He ended up allowing two hits, one earned run, did not walk a batter, and struck out 14 in eight innings. 77-of-109 pitches were thrown for strikes. That’s how you earn a big tip! Now, keep in mind that Tampa Bay strikes out the fourth-most frequently against RHP and the huge night knocked down his ERA to 5.09 for the year. He did give up four, three, and five earned runs in his prior three starts and got pummeled in his two previous starts against TB. As Friday night showed, though, Tanaka does have the ability to absolutely dominate. When I eat raw fish, I know there’s always the risk that I could be eating some three-eyed monster from Fukushima. That’s how I feel about starting Tanaka. As I said before, I like to live dangerously.

Here’s what else I saw from Friday night’s action:

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The NKOTB (New Kids on the Block), Rafael Devers (31.5% owned – increase of 25.9%) and Nick Williams (29.3% owned – increase of 25.5%), were the two most added players last week. If you don’t know what NKOTB is, please click here. Now, you no longer live a blessed existence. As for Devers, the Supreme Leader (Grey) and Prospect Jesus (Ralph) of Razzball went over him here, here, and here. If you don’t believe in Prospect Jesus, I present you with physical evidence. Remember the guy/girl with the mic before/after Martin Luther King’s I Have a Dream speech? Exactly. So, I’ll focus on Williams. For some reason, I always think of Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys when I see the name Nick Williams. I know. I know. It’s blasphemous to put NKOTB and the Backstreet Boys in the same post. That’s on some Biggie vs Tupac-level shit. I apologize to the five female readers. Back to Williams. Since making his MLB debut on June 30th, he’s batting .303/.345/.592 with four home runs, 10 runs scored, and 18 RBI. The ISO is .289 and wOBA .383. The hard hit rate is a robust 44.8%. He’s primarily been hitting third in the batting order and never lower than sixth. He’s been a DFS monster, as his salary has been super-cheap. Now for the bad. He’s hitting a crap of ground balls, 51.7% in fact. The HR/FB rate is 28.6%. He’s chasing 43.1% of balls outside the strikezone and has a 17.8% swinging strike rate. His overall contact rate is 69%. Granted, this is all in a small sample size of 84 plate appearances, but that makes me want to fade him even more. The adjustments are coming and many of the peripherals portend to a quick and sudden decline. If those words aren’t doing it for you…

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Did you know that David Peralta’s name is actually Senger Guerreiro? So it’s Senger David Peralta Guerreiro Maria Conchita Alonso. Whew. Ok, without the Maria Conschita Alonso, but it made me think of this. That’s better than Sum Ting Wong and Yu Stin Ki Pu. Anyways, his father is also named David Peralta, so I respect that he decided to go with that. I also love his back story…

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Almost 10 years before The Fast and the Furious, many of my friends were into street racing. They’d form crews and fix up their cars to race at Battle of the Imports or on the street for cash or pink slips. I remember one crew was called the Decepticons and had the logo plastered all over their cars. Some looked so tight. I’ll never forget one guy, though. He’d spend a ton of money on the exterior: rims, lights, body kit. He even decked out the interior with a roll cage, racing seats, pedals, instrument gauges, etc. His ride looked so, so nice. The only problem was that he spent no money on the engine. ALL SHOW NO GO. Which segues perfectly to Carlos Gonzalez (70% owned – decrease of 6.1%). CarGo sucks. One of Grey’s favorite movie lines is: See that S Car Go from Trading Places. One of my all-time favorite movies by the way. Anyways, this CarGo ain’t going anywhere. He hit 40 home runs two years ago. Last year, he hit 25 home runs. This year? He’s hit six. SIX! The ISO is at .116. The triple-slash line is .218/.296/.335. wRC+ is 47. His ground ball rate is at a career-high, hard contact rate is at a career-low, and he’s going oppo at a career-low rate. Steamer has rest of season projections at .277 average, 12 home runs, 33 runs scored, 38 RBI, and one stolen base. I’m just not buying it. He’s 31 years old. Side rant. Why didn’t the Rockies trade him last year? Anyways, other than the fact that he sucks, is he even going to play everyday? Charlie Blackmon is entrenched in centerfield. You guys know my love for Gerardo Parra. I guess he platoons with Ian Desmond. But….what happens when David Dahl returns? TRASH.

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