Two Start Pitchers, Week 17: Pickle-Ball

In the vast world of fast food, food, and fine dinning, you’ll find your pick of the garnishes to the delight your tastebuds. Some will be salty and some will be sweet, but only a pickle can be some of each. No where on earth such a veggie exists, you’ll it eat on burgers, and sausage, and fish. I run to the store to share some with friends, that here is the place where this story book ends. Or maybe begins as I took out my sack and I shared with my kins, cause I’m the pickleman mack. I gave one to Grey, Smokey, and Jay, I gave one to Tehol but he put it away. No, no silly Beddict keep that out of your rectum, these pickles are delicious I demand you respect them. Dan Pants said here, here as he munched on a gherkin, but Tehol didn’t hear he was too busy twerkin. Magoo and J-Foh enjoyed their half sours, as Jack waxed poetic about hating Joe Mauers. All was well in Razzland oh sweet pickled cucumber, it’s Two start pitchers, week I forget the number.

So big changes this week to the two start post, and I think the you’ll agree it’s for the better. I ramble less and instead provide you with a wide range of stats to justify my rankings. That’s better right? Hopefully I don’t leave you with a burning feeling like that girl in your dorm that had Daddy issues. Oh yeah and pickles!

BTW when you’re done here go read soccer, it’s good I swear!

Half Sours (Aces) – Week 16 less filler more numbers! These are the best kind of pickles, there’s nothing like the olde classic deli half sour. The young guns are way up high this week and it’s the matchups that weigh heavy. High K% teams and sterling home numbers for J-Fer and Thor.

Kosher Dill (Good Starts) – Kosher dills are the bomb on sandwiches, these guys are the bomb when they are started twice. Totally the same thing. Lance Lynn joins the dills due to the matchup with Colorado who just kill RHP. Otherwise two home starts for Lynn typically scream go Ace go! Or maybe that’s Gene Simmons in a Kiss backstage orgy. Shark has been coming on of late finally justifying the faith many of us had on draft day, Brady Quinn’s former safety valve has two tough matchups @Boston and home against the Jank-keys. The Muppet gets two home starts, expect him to go Animal. BTW is this his walkup music? I hope so. The Iwakuma revival is coming, tell yo kids, tell yo wife, we reviving errbody up in here. 5 year old internet jokes are my specialty.

Spicy Dills (Why Can’t I Sit You!) – Are these pickles good are they bad? I can’t tell you make my brain hurt. James Shields out of Petco is a scary proposition. Collin McHugh is an enigma wrapped in a riddle force fed to a Sphinx. What does that mean? As Funk Doctor would say “laugh now and figure it out when your ass get home.” Edinson Volquez has been very solid on the road but I don’t trust him. He’ll probably be okay in Cleveland, but is anyone really ever okay in the mistake by the lake?

Gherkins (One Good Start/One Bad Start) – So Gherkins are good pickles just really small. Small isn’t good for anyone but toddlers and girls who like cute stuff. Don’t be a Gherkin.

Bread and Butter (Avoid These Starts) – You have to be an absolute savage to enjoy these. Sweet pickles? save it for the relish Zeke!

As always these clowns are subject to change. As managers curse the existence of fantasy owners and take naps on the plastic leather couches in their office while wearing sleep apnea masks.