Yesterday, Felix Hernandez had the best game of the season for fantasy — 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 15 Ks. F-Her was the best thing to hit the world since Natalie Portman decided it was a good idea to get naked for a short film. Granted, that short film was by Wes Anderson. In film school, it was always met with a mixture of amusement, bewilderment and excitement when any student filmmaker convinced an actress to take their clothes off for a student film. Invariably, they were a better salesman than auteur if they were able to pull it off. “So, your husband, hungry for approval, just left you for a ham sandwich and now you want to shed your clothes, which is a metaphor for the stripping of your soul. Don’t worry, it’s a locked set.” I’ve talked in the past about how if a pitcher has a difference of six between his K-rate and walk rate, then he’s usable in all leagues. F-Her has a difference of plus-8. That’s glorious. He has 106 Ks to 17 BBs. That’s insane. His ERA is at 2.39. He’s real and he’s magnificent. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Robinson Cano – 1-for-4, 1 run and his 5th steal as he sits on two homers for the year. It’s been a storybook year for him. That storybook is called, “Jesus, Where the Hell is Cano’s Power?” It’s illustrated by Kirk Cameron.
Grant Balfour – 1 IP, 5 ER, raising his ERA to 6.46. Should try on for size the name, Grant The-Opposition-Four. To keep with the spirit of the festivities with Don Zimmer Day at the Trop, the Rays should’ve had Pedro Martinez remove Balfour from the game by headlock. You mustache Joel Peralta and Jake McGee, in that order. Oops, autocorrect, I meant must stash.
Alex Cobb – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER. The Mariners bit into the Tampa Bay Peach and his earned runs dribbled down their chin like a rabid guinea pig. (Rabid guinea pigs are even more dangerous than dogs, because no one expects it.) Cobb hasn’t been all-glorious praise to Allah like Yusuf Islam since returning from the DL, but oh, baby, it’s a wild world and I’d buy him low.
Jenrry Mejia – Has now given up five earned runs in the last 2 1/3 IP with at least one run in his last three appearances. Not even joking when I say nine out of ten teams don’t have their strongest reliever as their closer. The difference between the Mets and other teams is they shouldn’t have any loyalty to Mejia. The other difference between the Mets and other teams is their manager and front office are trying to get themselves fired in some kind of Brewster’s Millions/Major League mashup. I stashed Vic Black in one league, only because Jeurys Familia had been grabbed already.
Joe Nathan – 1 IP, 2 ER on Saturday. His ERA is up to 7.04. I’m not talking in hyperbole. Like he’s been so bad his ERA may as well be 7.04. I stashed Joba Chamberlain about a week ago in multiple leagues and yesterday my plan *rubs fingers together evilly* came together. Muahahahahahahahah–*coughs* Sorry, the evil laugh really catches the phlegm butter in my lungs. Any the hoo! Joba closed last night’s game like he bounces on trampolines — not very good. Joba choking up three runs was the best Joe Nathan’s looked in the last two weeks.
Miguel Cabrera – Left yesterday’s game with a tight hamstring. He’s considered day-to-day, which is better than bottle-to-bottle as he’s been.
Nick Castellanos – 1-for-4, 1 run and 3-for-4 in each of the three games prior with a homer on Saturday. It’s been long speculated on (not that long) and finally Castellanos looks like he’s a full-blown hot schmotato.
Mike Napoli – 3-for-4 and his 6th homer in his first game back. The Red Sox are just a different team with Napoli. He adds that old Kevin Millar flare of a seemingly unathletic guy that looks like he’d be fun to have a beer with. Only in baseball is that a good thing.
Matt Holliday – Scratched with back stiffness. Maybe because you’re supposed to scratch with itchiness. But I guess I’m the dummy!
Shelby Miller – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the 1927 Blue Jays. Can I say it for you? Sonavabench! Ofttimes pitchers just get the best of a team, but I honestly have no idea how anyone shutout the Blue Jays. MLB crack down and force them to use Wiffle bats? I still don’t trust Miller, but the Stream-o-Nator likes his next start, and, if you own him, you have to start him for his next start, which of course means he will get rocked. It’s the Way of the Ulcer, the Jim Jarmusch classic.
Jaime Garcia – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Can’t hit shizz with a Wiffle bat, apparently. What is more improbable than the Cardinals last two starts vs. the Blue Jays? An actor from Degrassi: The Next Generation that played a role in a wheelchair becoming huge in the world of hip-hop? Yeah, that seems more improbable. You win again, Drake!
Matt Carpenter – 2 hits, 2 RBIs, hit his 2nd homer, listens to 2 Chainz, drinks Dos Equis, watches Two and a Half Men but hates the little kid, drives a two-seater and in drafts he was too expensive.
Jhonny Peralta – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer. Been difficult to own Jhonny this year. Aside from the power, there hasn’t been a whole lot. Well, that’s how it always is with him, but it’s more pronounced this year. Mmmm-ore.
Drew Hutchison – 3 IP, 5 ER. As said last time he pitched, he’s risky due to his control. That doesn’t always mean a bunch of walks. Guys can be wild in the strike zone or simply fall behind hitters and have to groove pitches. I like Hutch but he’s not a star(sky) yet.
Michael Cuddyer – Likely headed to the DL with a sore shoulder. He’s great when he’s on the field, but as a teenager would text his name: CU-on-the-DLyer.
Corey Dickerson – Even with Cuddyer and CarGo hurt, Dickerson can’t get into the lineup. Maybe next time he’ll think twice about sleeping with Wanda Weiss.
Dee Gordon – And Yasiel Puig both hurt their hips on Saturday, but are expected back shortly. Yasiel hurt himself envisioning himself running hard into a fence and Gordon hurt his hips after giving birth to fantasy value.
Chase Anderson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.14. He’s inching closer to respectability for mixed leagues. As of right now, I’d give him a shot if you’re struggling for upside, but the Stream-o-Nator doesn’t like his next start and I agree.
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs. Au Shizz!
Brad Ziegler – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save because Addison Reed has a tired arm. I say let it take a nap for 15 days, so I can have some Ziegler vulture saves! Kirk Gibson, while pumping his fist, said Reed may only need another day of rest, which is exactly what they say before a guy needs Tommy John surgery.
Ramiro Pena – 1-for-1 with his 3rd home run. He’s been used primarily as a pinch hitter, and continues to. I’m only mentioning him because he has more homers than Cano and I wanted to see if I could write a whole blurb with just the weight of my tears.
Zack Wheeler – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. So, what you’re saying is he’s not dependable? Message received. Please unsubscribe me.
Curtis Granderson – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and two homers (7, 8). Has been hitting over .300 in the last week with three steals. This was your Curtis-y check.
Brandon Crawford – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting over .300 in the last week and has 7 homers on the year. He’s like the Babe Ruth of middle infielders compared to Cano.
James Shields – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. Hiroki Kuroda (7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks). The Royals vs. Yankees rivalry dates back to muskets and howitzers and so does most of the Yankees lineup.
Junior Lake – 1-for-5, but two homers on Saturday. Making his dad, Lake Superior, proud.
Emilio Bonifacio – 3-for-4, and a homer on Saturday. Could be the sign that he’s starting to heat up again. As someone who has suffered through Emily Boneface’s last six weeks of mediocrity, let me be the first to say this might be me Terence Trent D’Arby’ing in the wishing well for Boneface to pick things up.
Jake Arrieta – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.50 in 36 IP. Pretty small sample size — that’s what she said! — and the Stream-o-Nator doesn’t love his next start, so I’d wait and see in most mixed leagues for now, but could see picking him up in lots of leagues if he goes out and dominates next time out.
Henderson Alvarez – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Left with a strained hip, but hopes to make his next start. Guess that strained hip is a lot less painful than when your mom used to strain to sound hip around your friends. “Mom, stop opening the umbrella and saying ‘make it rain’ like you’re 50 Cent.”
Gerrit Cole – Hit the DL with a fatigued shoulder. I won’t even mention that I just traded Cole away before this news broke. Though I might find time to mention it by telling you I won’t mention it. This is a partial Disgraceful List move because, as anyone that has owned Cole knows, he hasn’t been right all year.
Jeff Locke – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks as he takes over Cole’s rotation spot. Locke isn’t worth owning in any leagues, unless you’re a huge Lost fan and you already own Smoak.
Yovani Gallardo – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, which comes after his 5 IP, 6 ER start vs. the Twins. I.e., YoGa likes to stretch your patience.
Dexter Fowler – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting near .500 in the last week. Took him a long time to get hot, but he is indeed schmotato’ing.
Jon Singleton – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Talk about a heartwarming day when the Comatose Astros fan wakes up. Your wife left you for your brother, but the Astros hitting looks good!
Collin McHugh – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER. Well, you still have the hitters looking good!
Kendrys Morales – The other day I made a pun without even knowing it when I said a mystery club was in the mix and they stockpiled Dum-Dum lollipops. Turns out I had the Dum-Dum part correct. The Twins designated Jason Kubel for assignment and signed Kendrys Morales. Even if you were to take Harmony Korine’s definition of smart, which is actually pretty effin’ stupid that is only considered smart by critics, this is still stupid. Jason Kubel is what? A 15-homer, .260 guy? Guess what Kendrys Morales is. A 17-homer, .270 hitter. Again, huge difference there. Ow, I just hurt my eyes rolling them.
Danny Santana – 1-for-5, but on Saturday he went 4-for-5, 5 RBIs with a steal. Carlos Santana’s faster brother — The SAGNatural. Danny’s pretty much just speed, but he’s hitting .361 and has been hot. You could do worse at middle infidel. Gyorkoff, for instance, he was worse.
Mat Latos – Aiming for a return next weekend. That means all Latos haters better get off Twitter by this weekend because his wife is gonna come for you. Dallas Latos: taking on Latos haters one hashtag at a time.
Homer Bailey – 8 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 4.60. That’s three straight quality starts since I told you to buy him. I’m glad Clarence showed Bailey what life would be like if he stopped giving up homers.
Ben Revere – 1-for-3, 1 run and his 17th steal. That’s the fifth most steals in the major leagues, and he’s on pace for 40+ steals. Respect the Revere! This pun was brought to you by Roget’s Thesaurus, the T is silent; no the first T.
Kevin Gausman – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the A’s. Here’s the funny thing that is only funny if you don’t own Gausman or want to own him because of his sweet, sweet upside, and is really not funny at all. When Miguel Gonzalez returns from the DL in a week, there’s going to be no room for Gausman. The O’s have said they would go to a six-man rotation when Johan returned, but Johan’s career ended the other day when his Achilles burst his bubble. So, will Showalter go to a six-man rotation for Gausman? The obvious answer is yes. The major league manager never does what you expect him to do answer is Gausman will be used in middle relief until the O’s have ruined his arm.
Scott Kazmir – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.20, which is colloquially known as “Why don’t I have him on all my teams?” Well, if you were smart (lucky) enough to draft him, he looks like he will have a sub-2.50 ERA all year, which is exactly what you say to people when you’re shopping him, because there’s no way this continues.
John Jaso – 2-for-6, 1 run, 4 RBIs, hitting .294. I’m waiting for his Giancarlo/Mike Stanton announcement when he says his name is actually Joh Jason.
Ian Desmond – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer and 2nd in as many games. Shine on you crazy Desmond!
Jordan Zimmermann – 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 12 Ks in Petco. The Padres and the Make-a-Wish Foundation recently announced a partnership for all opposing major league pitchers. Brokering the deal was Scott Boras, who only gets game tape of his pitchers in Petco.
Andrew Cashner – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks as he returned from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department had Saturday off, but said on Sunday, “Get a DeLorean and get him in your lineup!”
Nick Swisher – Will return on Thursday. He said from rehab, “I’m a hyper guy, so it was nice to get out and move around a little bit the last two days.” Sounds like Swisher took things too literal. You can move around on the Disabled List, Swisher.
Josh Tomlin – 8 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.12. He has a low-3 xFIP and more than six difference between his K and walk rate, so what does that tell us? It’s about time to look at Tomlin in mixed leagues. SPOILER ALERT! If you ask me if you should pick him up, I won’t say yes, but you can.
Mitch Moreland – Out for three months with ankle surgery. It wasn’t Prince Fielder after all. The Texas Rangers 1st base womb is polluted! Donnie Murphy will handle first base for the time being, but I could see the Rangers’ GM Jon Daniels, played by Jon Hamm, going to Cuba to find anyone with a first baseman’s glove. “I kinda like that guy over there, Fidel.” “That is Lance Berkman with a very luxurious tan.” “We’ll take him!”
Rougned Odor – Left the game after a shoulder sprain. Now starting for the Rangers…Beltre and, uh, that other guy and that third guy and the other guy whose name I forget!