What is a finale in fantasy without a final closer report?  Nothing I tell ya.  It’s like a compound without an element, or a really cool shout out to the Low End Theory.  I salute the 14 sober readers of that “not firmly planted” on the porcelain thinking throne.  So this is it my friends, the last of the last of the last.  I was debating on what to do for the last post of the year.  Something cliche, something with recycled jokes that you see all the time… wink.  Nah, I am an original, I survive millennials and the whole generation X by just being me.  Not loved by all by liked by most and yet here I still sit.  Shout out to all the readers I lead astray, and the ones I actually helped.  Not everyone gets everything right all the time, but I try.  I am human.  You would think a computer generated version of Smokey would have a cooler avatar than a bear that looks like an extra from the Fat Boys movie Disorderlies.  So to keep it chalk, I will keep it plain and simple and do what I have done for years.  Give you a final ranking of all the closers this year and a glimpse into the future of closers.  As in the who will be closing next year for every team or at the very least an estimated guess straight from my basement.  So with the final post of the year for me from a baseball perspective about to wrap, I enjoyed bringing you the jazz and the haps on the relief game again, this my eighth year at Razzball nation.

2017 Predicted Closers:

AL East:

Balt – Zach Britton

Bos – Craig Kimbrel

NYY – Aroldis Chapman

TB – Alex Colome

Tor – Roberto Osuna

AL Central:

Clev – Andrew Miller

Chi – David Robertson

Det – Francisco Rodriguez

KC – Wade Davis

Min –Brandon Kintzler

AL West:

Hou – Ken Giles

LAA – Huston Street

Oak – Ryan Madson

Sea –Edwin Diaz

Tex –Sam Dyson

NL East:

Atl –Mauricio Cabrera

Mia –A.J. Ramos

NYM – Jeurys Familia

Phi –Hector Neris

Was – Cody Allen

NL Central:

Cin –Raisel Igelsias

CHC – Hector Rondon

Mil – Tyler Thornburg

Pit –Tony Watson

STL – Seung Hwan Oh

NL West:

Ari – Daniel Hudson

Col – Adam Ottavino

LAD – Kenley Jansen

SD –Brandon Maurer

SF – Mark Melancon


$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Aroldis Chapman – (Hector Rondon, C.J. Edwards, Joe Smith)

2. Zach Britton – (Mychal Givens, Brad Brach)

3. Kenley Jansen – (Pedro BaezJoe Blanton)

4. Dellin Betances – (Tyler Clippard, Adam Warren)

5. Craig Kimbrel – (Brad Ziegler, Koji Uehara)

6. Jeurys Familia – (Addison Reed, Fernando Salas)

7. Mark Melancon – (Shawn Kelley, Blake Treinen)



Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

8. Edwin Diaz – (Steve CishekTom Wilhelmsen, Nick Vincent)

9. Roberto Osuna – (Jason Grilli, Joaquin Benoit)

10. David Robertson(Nate Jones, Dan Jennings)

11. Cody Allen – (Andrew MillerBryan Shaw)

12. Francisco Rodriguez – (Justin Wilson, Bruce Rondon)

13. Seung-hwan Oh – (Kevin Siegrist, Matt Bowman)

14. Wade Davis – (Kelvin Herrera, Joakim Soria)

15. Ken Giles – (Luke GregersonWill HarrisPat Neshek)

16. Tony Watson – (Neftali Feliz, Felipe Rivero)

17. Ryan Madson – (John Axford, Ryan Dull)

18. Jeanmar Gomez – (Hector NerisCesar Ramos)

19. Sam Dyson– (Jake Diekman, Matt Bush)

20. Alex Colome – (Brad Boxberger, Xavier Cedeno)


These guys are the men that make the save market go round. They punch in, punch out. Have the job, no real threat to speak of, and are basically just there to collect great benny’s so they can take care of their crippled brother. Who is only really crippled because he is scared of the sun.

21. Jim Johnson –  (Mauricio Cabrera, Shea Simmons)

22. Fernando Rodney / A.J. Ramos– (Kyle Barraclough)

23. Adam Ottavino – (Carlos EstevezBoone Logan)

24.  Sergio Romo – (Derek Law, Will Smith)

25. Tyler Thornburg – (Corey Knebel, Carlos Torres)

26. Brandon Kintzler – (Ryan Pressley, Taylor Rogers)

27. Brandon Maurer (Ryan Buchter, Brad Hand)


Brain Freezes

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Carlos Marmol– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Castro in the head with a pick-off throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

28. Raisel Igelsias  – (Tony CingraniMichael Lorenzen)

29. Daniel Hudson – (Randall Delgado, Jake Barrett)

30. Andrew Bailey – (JC Ramirez, Deolis Guerra)