Phil Hughes - Oh Phillip, you sure had me fooled bud. You were having a nice season and had a very nice matchup with Seattle this week. You've always dominated Seattle, Phil. Your career numbers against them were staggering, and here Seattle was, coming into your house. I fully expected the taste of victory, but you pulled an R. Kelly, urinating all over my face, down my throat and even in my eyes, causing temporary blindness as well as hours upon hours of regurgitation. The fact that I would surely be delighted if someone "Nancy Kerrigan'ed" Hughes this weekend almost makes me feel demonic.
Howard Hughes could have put up a superior performance on the mound Wednesday night. And that's after locking himself in his theater room for months on end, filling up countless milk bottles with calcium enhanced piss. I truly believe in my heart that Howard could have come out of exclusion, walked into Yankee stadium, and shown at least 3 times the testicular fortitude than the constant let down we know as Phil. Hold on. What?? Howard Hughes is dead? Who cares? Dig up his rotting carcass, sprinkle some voodoo on him to get him
"movin like Bernie,"and throw him out there. On a side note that down south dance and rap song inspired by the
Weekend at Bernies saga is one of the more underrated trends to ever hit the United States and died out much too quickly in my opinion.
Peep game
If we all do our part, we may be able to make this song relevant again. He might even be interested in the Razzball podcast but I'd have to host as Capozzi doesn't speak fluent ebonics. He speaks Canadian though, so that's cool. Or not. Anyway let's get to to what else I saw in fantasy this week. Do it like Bernie!
See all of today’s starting lineups
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ARI | ATL | BAL | BOS | CHC | CHW | CIN | CLE | COL | DET | HOU | KC | LAA | LAD | MIA | MIL | MIN | NYM | NYY | PHI | PIT | SD | SEA | SF | STL | TB | TEX | TOR | WSH | ATH | OAK |
First clue I’m human, when I overheard an old woman tell someone she showers while sitting on a stool, I shivered. Second clue, I used to wear Z. Cavariccis. First clue Justin Verlander is human was last night. He had the worst outing of his career with 2 2/3 IP and 8 ER. Verlander looked like Kate Upton, if Kate had Rosie O'Donnell's head. Sorry, that's a visual you won't get out of your head for a long time. It's like two girls, one shower stool. Can't you just take a bath? Please tell me this isn't old age.... Speaking of which (watch how I tie this loosely into fantasy baseball), Verlander is thirty years old and... Still lights out. This was one bad start, don't panic. C'mere, let me massage your shoulders and... I just pick-pocketed you! You gotta be careful with that. Anyway, here's what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Disclaimer: This is as technical and as nerdy as it gets. Wait I thought this was Razzball not Fangraphs! Well there’s my only joke, so only read on if you’re into the hardcore sabermetrics or sabretooth tigers. Dammit, OK, that’s the last one…
The stat developed by Bill James, the “Gamescore”, was a way to evaluate a pitcher’s performance on any given game and is used more and more frequently to determine who pitched the best game (ala Shelby Miller’s 1-hitter vs. Matt Harvey’s).
I wish I knew what Donnie Baseball was doing, he says what he doesn't mean but means what he doesn't say. I personally think we need to get Rand Paul involved in this and get some filibustering going. Maybe Magic can open a movie theater or something to show us a preview of what is actually going to happen. Well my theory is this, Donnie is a player's manager and doesn't wanna step on anyone's feelings, so instead he will have no common decency and piss all over everyone's fantasy teams. He kinda makes me feel the same way I felt when I watched Iron Eagle for the first time and I really thought Chappy died. Cheated is the reference, if that movie escapes you. So for my own personal rankings below I have inserted Kenley into the chart, while I am not completely sold that we know which way is loose. So screw it, it's my list so I am placing him there just like the Gideons place bibles.
Admit it, you sang the title when you read it. There is no denying this. While I'm not sure that qualifies as a good thing, I don't necessarily consider it a bad thing. As a child of the 80's, I am neutral in this regard. You might not be, however. You might think Admiral Ackbar should have been there to warn you of an impending
trap. Or you might think that I'm a kindhearted person that would never launch a guerrilla campaign of thought-wars with old 80's songs. Or even that I might secretly be seeking affection and approval from the Guru. You would be wrong on all three counts, because, you know, ef his turban thingamajig. Amiright? Or excuse me, jam or cram his very big head accessory. Anyhow, like five sentences later, you still have that song stuck in your head, don't you? Hey buddy, don't hate the player, hate the game. You think I'm going to talk about
Carlos Gomez, who's nicknamed Go-Go, and not go with a Wham title tie-in? You not knowin' son. You not knowin'.
Because I can't have anything nice. That is the answer to why David Price left the game injured. For those of you worried about me, I'm gonna be okay. I have the love of a good cougar. Too bad she can't pitch for my goddamn fantasy team! Why do you laugh at me, Fantasy Baseball Overlord? Fantasy Baseball Overlord, "Because you traded Machado for him and no man's love will come before myself or Machado." "I didn't know. Is this a new fantasy commandment? All I saw was David Price's K-rate was down last April too and he went on to win the Cy Young?!" "Are you interrogating me? The man who molded Billy Butler's moobs with my own two hands." Sorry, have I not serviced you correctly? Would you like a reach around? Do you have to rain frogs down on my team? Hello? Oh, I guess I lost him, stupid iPhone. And I lost David Price too. So, Price left because of triceps tightness. Hopefully after a DL stint, he'll be back to his old dbnsjicns Oops, will cross my fingers when I'm done with the post. Anyway, here's what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
We’re some three weeks away from Major League Baseball’s First-Year Players Draft, during which droves of high school and college baseball players will be chosen by MLB organizations to fill their farm systems. Most all of the draftees will never make it further than the low minors. A handful of the college guys, however, are already too advanced for short-season or instructional ball. Mind you, this group is merely a tiny fraction of the overall draft class — there aren’t many guys worth noting for fantasy baseball purposes just yet. But there are some. So for the next few installments of this Scouting the Unknown series -- which is typically reserved for already-pros -- I’m going to highlight some draft prospects who could be bringing fantasy relevance to the not-so-distant future.
So just in case you haven't heard, our friends at DraftKings have moved our
RAZZBALL EXCLUSIVE contest to Thursday this week, so you can beat Rudy before being too exhausted for your weekend. As always, entry is only $5.00, but the amount of entries is up to 35 (2 per person) and the winnings include a top prize of free entry to their $100,000 Spring Fling contest, which goes down Friday. That's a $100 value! Even if you place 2nd-10th, you'll win $10 this week, doubling your money! And if you can take down that Spring Fling, you'll win a hefty payday of $20,000, or roughly Manny Ramirez's contract for his team in Taiwan. OK, I bet it's more than that, but at least you can pull up 20 feet short of second on a slide and not feel as bad about it...
The other day Don Mattingly said something like this, "When your closer can't close, but you need games closed and you have a closer in name and a non-closer closer, who's your closer? The guy who's closing games? I don't know. I'm seriously asking. I would think it's the guy you call closer, but we call Brandon League the closer and he can't close, so the closer must the guy we don't call closer but can close games named, Kenley Jansen. Warmer... Warmer... No, now you're getting colder. Go back the other way." Kenley Jansen got the save. YAY!...But...BOO!...It was on the tail end of an 8 2/3 IP, 11 Ks, 6 baserunners stunning performance by Clayton Kershaw, so it wasn't a stereotypical save. I would've preferred to see a standard "closer enters to start the 9th inning" save before telling people to drop League. I'd hold both for now, but a new era (not the hats) may be upon us. Anyway, here's what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
David Freese has an OBP higher than his slugging, which is only a good sign when you’re Joey Votto. His .224/.298/.259 line is begging you to beg me why you still have him on your roster. What’s cooler than being cool? David Freese! Somewhere, Mr. Freeze says, “Ice to see you, David.” Here’s the deal: his plate discipline appears to be just as good as last season. The only significant change is in his batted ball data, where he’s hitting a lot more ground balls and less fly balls than he’s hit in his career. This looks like something that is highly likely to normalize as the season progresses so, like Jim Cramer, I’m going to tell you to, “Buy! Buy! Buy!” In fact, I expect him to produce near his career .290/.350/.430 line for the rest of 2013. Color me optimistic, Radiohead, but I’ll be buying low on Freese. Anyway, here are some other players who have hit me with their best shot in OPS leagues:
Nick came to Rudy and me with an idea for a show where we present a scenario for a fantasy team and through our sheer energy, not unlike the pantyhose, we come up with a solution for your team. A team we do not know at all, but can sense is struggling. We're helping you, hermit, who lives in the basement of his mother's house and is too shy to ask a question in the comments even if it's completely anonymous. In fact, we are slow clapping for you right now. You can't hear it, but it's giving you the self-confidence you need to get a job at the local Dairy Queen and ask Cindy out on a date. Not that Cindy! She'd never date you! I'm talking about the Cindy who should be more "proactive." We are not just saving fantasy teams here, we are saving lives! On today's show, we go over the trades I made to get David Price and Adrian Beltre. I'm a trading fool! But, most importantly, we touch on what you should do if you're struggling in average (or Ks or power or saves or pitching ratios). Guys that you can trade for to fix your teams. Rudy also uses a word that no one knows, including him, but we're playing a Five-Dollar Word drinking game and he's trying to get me drunk. Anyway, here's the Razzball podcast (now with more elucidation):

Mauledbypandas (Josh Hamilton's Fake Stache - Cracking The WHIP) is on top of the world for another week. "The only way that
Member's Only jacket isn't hanging in my closet come October is if I get bored and move on to fantasy football," he was heard to exclaim this week. Of course, he's claiming he was misquoted. "Bl@#p*@g Vin! He'll write anything to boost readership." Meanwhile, the Ottoneu Bay Stormtroopers (RCL On PEDs) became the latest challenger, jumping from 9th to 2nd. The Troopers lead the RCL with 37 wins, but they are well ahead of the pace for Games Started. Check out the
Master Standings (you can also access them via the Leagues menu up top) to see where your team ranks in comparison to the other 767 teams through Sunday. Tell me your team and league in the comments and I'll add your Razzball handle to the standings.