You know how they have 17 hours of unseen footage on the Anchorman DVD that you spent 17 hours watching to only keep saying, “Well, I know why they cut this out?” In a similar vein, I wrote about V-Mart in the Buy/Sell that’s coming later today, but have since cut it. Still, here it is in its uncut form, “Victor Martinez – Hey, it didn’t work out like you antissapated (sic) when you ignored my advise (sic) to not draft hymn (sic). In 12 to 14 team mixed leagues, he’s still tentatively a hold, but in shallower leagues, you really need to start looking elsewhere. (Maybe make this funnier, Grey, your intern wrote this and it’s hot garbage and who’s writing this note if it’s not you, Grey? Wait, are you asking yourself if you’re writing in third person? That’s like next level shizz!)” So, yeah, I was ready to move on from V-Mart in shallower leagues. He looked lost like the Lost writers during the final season of Lost. I told you not to draft him in the preseason, and I still don’t like him at all, but after he homered twice yesterday (2-for-4, 5 RBIs with his 7th and 8th homers), I’d definitely hold to see if yesterday was the K-turn he needed to get out of his cul-de-suck. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Dressed in a tuxedo, Ron Kittle walks up to Leon Durham, looking fabulous in a red dress and high heels, and says, “It would be my pleasure to give you a lesson in marksmanship.” Leon scoffs, “You couldn’t give me a lesson in long-distance spitting.” Then they begin to go back and forth, “Anything you can do, I can do better. I can do anything, better than you.” “No, you can’t, Kris Bryant!” “Yes, I can, Carlos Rodon!” “No, you can’t, Kris Bryant!” “Yes, I can, Carlos Rodon!” “You four-eyed honkey, KRIS BRYANT!” “You four-eyed non-honkey, CARLOS RODON!” And so went the Annie Get Your Gun musical performed by the White Sox and Cubs alumni this weekend. Rodon is ready to perform, but why start his clock to pitch out of the bullpen? Unless the White Sox are sick of Noesi butting into their rotation where he doesn’t belong. I’d have to guess that’s what’s happening here. The White Sox are saying Rodon will work out of the bullpen, but within a week or two, he’ll be in the rotation. Why do we care? Because he can be the best pitching prospect call up of the season. Yes, he can! I’d own him in any league, but he’s likely gone. No, he can’t! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
It’s trendy to be trendy and follow your nose like Toucan Sam. Unfortunately, there are no Fruit Loops here, only Holds. Holds with a silver lining of saves that helps everyone. For now though, it’s all about the holds. It’s only a dozen games into the season and it’s never too early to turn a side eye to what’s going on with the key bullpen pieces around the league. These guys are mostly for holds only leagues, but the elite of the elite are the rosterable guys that should be universally owned. So, for those that are new to the Bullpen Report, it goes a little like this… I focus on relievers that are pitching in high leverage situations, games with the lead, inherited runners and the inherited runners they allow to score. Those more or less correlate to the stat we are chasing, and no it’s not that white dragon. It’s the hold. Team situations, team success, and the players ability in those situations all dictate that stat. It’s no coincidence that teams with better teams usually have more save chances, it just happens. So have a gander at some trendy type stats that have happened in the games so far. Be aware that stats this early are misleading like a Polish GPS, so be aware and don’t go for the first car you see when your hitchhiking your way through the holds life.Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Mariners trying to bulk up their team is like watching someone dress up their pet monkey in baby clothes. It’s cute. You’re glad they have something they love. Then you realize they’re suffering from postpartum depression and you’re sick of them bothering you with questions about when they should enroll their baby monkey in daycare. That monkey ain’t gonna grow up to be a world famous fantasy baseball blogger like yours truly who uses 100 monkeys on 99 typewriters to write these posts. Someone buy Ling-Ling a typewriter! Similarly, it’s cute the Mariners are dressing up their monkey with new outfielders, especially one that missed all of last year — Corey Hart — and one that even a terrible team didn’t want any part of — Logan Morrison. Corey Hart is committed to wearing sunglasses at night and being ready to go for Opening Day. Let’s see, someone says to you, “I’ll give you millions of dollars if you say you’re healthy and ready to return.” Would you say you’re healthy and ready to return? Yeah, me too. It doesn’t make us or Corey Hart bad people, but it’s a whole lot easier for him to say he’s ready to return than to go out and play 150+ games after a pair of knee surgeries. If he can DH the whole season and stay in the lineup, I could see a 27 homer, 90+ RBI season. The once 20-steal speed isn’t happening anymore. Unless he got a stamp card with those knee surgeries and the fifth one is free. For 2014, I’ll give him the line 72/23/84/.278/3. Morrison also had knee surgery last year, but he’s a lot younger and more prone to saying hashtag. I’m guessing Seattle GM Zduriencik saw Morrison had 363 homers in his four-year career and wanted him bad. Too bad Zduriencik moved his finger down the homer column and accidentally slide to the left and was actually reading his games played. There’s a chance Seattle will push Morrison and Hart to DH/1B and be done with Smoak like the Marlins were done with Morrison, but it’s too early to say. I’m just hoping Seattle trades Brad Miller for Starlin Castro so the Cubs can field a Barney/Miller at middle infield. For 2014, I’ll give Morrison the line 61/17/70/.245. Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves for 2014 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
We don’t play favorite closers here in the closer column but Aroldis Chapman is without a question my favorite closer. Just days after capturing the league lead in saves Chapman imploded last Friday night giving up 3 ER on 4 hits to the lowly Astros and blowing his first save since June 24. Please, blog, may I have some more?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Aroldis Chapman is being shut down ‘for a couple of days’ with shoulder fatigue. Dusty actually admitted “We’re lucky we got to this point” which made every Cub fan both nod and shake their heads. To be fair to Dusty, his usage of Chapman seems reasonable. Please, blog, may I have some more?Please, blog, may I have some more?
So, for today’s post I was going to talk about how women can biologically prevent pregnancy, but only in cases of legitimate rape. However, much to my chagrin, this guy beat me to it. I mean, the nerve! Right before I’m about to talk about it… then yoink. Please, blog, may I have some more?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Paul Konerko went 5-for-5 yesterday with his 31st homer. Paul Konerko is also winning your league for you. You had your back up against the wall. You took Hanley in the first round, Halladay in the 2nd and then you hit the 20th round and you were like, “Hmm… I totally screwed myself by not taking a 1st baseman. Please, blog, may I have some more?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Carlos Zambrano moves to the bullpen. Whaaaa??? Oh. Wait, what? Somewhere, Dusty Baker just tipped his “Crazy Manager Move” hat to Sweet Lou. Dusty, “After Harang complained of arm soreness, I needed him for another 140 pitches the next day, so I fashioned a pitching arm out of rubber bands and a dead giraffe. Please, blog, may I have some more?Please, blog, may I have some more?