Greetings all! Tis I, Tehol Beddict, ready and willing to service you in any way you desire, though the main goal here is to help you with fantasy baseball. I am a man who has worn many a hat. You may know me as the fantasy football guru who dominated the Razzball writers league, or as the fantasy basketball writer who was almost gang raped by she males in Bora Bora, or possibly even seen my man-kini photo spreads in countless magazines and websites throughout the years. It is a pleasure to serve you and it’s a privilege to write for the greatest fantasy sports website known to man. Let’s jump into the post as I’m going in and out of consciousness due to the fact I’ve been starving myself in preparing for an audition at Playgirl.
Street fighter was the most transcendent game of its generation and seems to have been completely forgotten. I’ll never forget waiting in line at the arcade to take on the current champion, with only one goal in mind: mind-numbing dominance. And that’s the same way I approach fantasy baseball. Just winning isn’t good enough. I want to de-pants my opponents, then bend them over and take their manhoods in front of their wives and children, then smack talk them on the message board until it’s impossible for us to even be friends anymore. This type of attitude is especially important in money leagues, which is all I play, unless it’s an “expert” league as it’s the only way to keep my interest, as my past record is so dominant that I one day expect to be put in the Fantasy Baseball Hall of Fame. This is where I want you all to be one day and I want to be there every step of the way.
The focus of the majority of my posts will be on points leagues, but don’t get it twisted y’all. These posts can be of great benefit, no matter what type of league you are in. A dominant or disgraceful points league player will be just the same in any other form of league so listen to what i say,or you’ll pay. The season is hardly underway but here is a little analysis on some of the early production, with an ode to Street Fighter 2: Turbo Edition. Each player being written about by me today will contain the Street Fighter character they are most similar to at this point of the season. Never Forget!
Ryu/Chris Davis — Hadouken, Hadouken, Shoryuuken!! Is there any better sound on this beautiful earth? If you’re asking me, the answer is no. Ryu is far and away the most dominant character in street fighter and Chris Davis has been just as supreme on the baseball diamond. Yes, it’s only been 3 games and no, I don’t care. I was personally offended when I saw Davis being avoided in the draft like a fat chick with herpes. I really wasn’t planning on drafting him but he fell so far that I ended up with him in almost every league. Davis delivers the kind of power only matched by the great Ryu’s world famous tornado whirlwind kick, and each time he goes yard I instantaneously orgasm. As you can imagine, I am now shooting blanks as Davis has left the yard in every single game thus far, while adding doubles and RBI’s galore. Ken is supposed to Ryu’s equal but I laugh at that like I laugh at people who still find Saturday Night Live amusing. Kudos to you if you stole Davis late.
Ken/Michael Morse – I always preferred Ryu to Ken, though they had the exact same moves, and I guess the same goes for the aforementioned Chris Davis and the presently mentioned Michael Morse. Big Mike now has 4 jacks on the year and I’m beating my chicken with a fury that could only be matched by Thor, God of Thunder. If you didn’t know, my pet chicken has lived with me for years so I’m literally writing about a chicken, not shaking hands with old one eye.
I know every major league baseball player like the bottom of my scrotum but I was shocked when I witnessed the girth and length of the one they call “the great white Gorilla.” The man has the kind of power that makes chicks go weak in the knees. In fact a former girlfriend of mine went on a few “dates” with Morse after we broke up. I’m sure she let him drill as she was a complete slut but that’s beside the point. That was back when he was an up and coming short stop in his first go around for the M’s and before he got suspended for juicing. Can you imagine “the great white gorilla” playing short stop? Now, can you imagine him pounding my 5 foot 2 ex-girlfriend’s cakes? Not a pretty sight. Not pretty at all…….. Anyway, I wouldn’t be surprised if Morse ended up having a superior season to Davis but he didn’t get the lead in the article for the fact that I have been on the Chris Davis bandwagon since he came up in Texas and am now thrilled to see him producing. 40 plus jacks for each of these young men is within reach. Shoryuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuken!!!!
Chun-Li/Yu Darvish – No, it’s not because they are both Asian. Ok, it’s part of the reason but it’s mainly because they both share characteristics of immense beauty, grace, and skill. Yes, I have a man crush on Yu. He was my first asian! His movement on his pitches is reminiscent of Chun-Li’s upside down spinning bird kick. You see that booty shot? Chun-Li got a$$ yo. Darvish dropped 42 fantasy points in his first start while getting within one out of a perfect game. You may recall my appearance on the razzball podcast where I praised Yu like the God he is and predicted the fantasy Cy Young for him. Darvish has thrown for double digit K’s in a third of his major league starts so be prepared for the realness. It has been written. Witness.
Guile/Jeff Samardzija – These two blonde beauties both could have been successful in other walks of life as they are both abnormally talented. Guile is a patriot and chose to serve his country by joining the military when he could have been an underwear model like yours truly and banged out countless celebs. Samardzija would have been a first round NFL draft pick had he decided to go that route but luckily for us he chose baseball. Both throw “Sonic Booms” and both treat their opponents like dog excrement. Big Jeff dropped 35.5 fantasy points in his opening day start and I fully expect a dominant year. Any batters that catch chin music should be wary of rushing the mound as Samardzija may unload a “double somersault kick” to the jugular.
Blanka/ Matt Harvey – Matt Harvey has electric stuff and Blanka is electric, literally. 10 k’s and 1 hit given up in 7 innings is nothing to sneeze at and my guy tells me Harvey will continue to eat batters like Blanka used to eat face, being the vicious brute he is. The only time I ate face, I was so high on bath salts I thought it was smoked salmon. Sadly, Harvey will more than likely be shut down around 150 innings so come playoff time you could be on your knees asking God, “whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?”
Dhalsim/Dominic Brown — Both of these men have always annoyed me, though in different ways. Dhalsim, for the fact that I hated playing with him, and Brown for the reason that I can’t not draft him. I want to believe, you see. I want to be a part of something special and Brown has the ability to make that happen for me. I reached on Brown in every single draft this year as well as owning him in my dynasty league. So far, he’s responded with 4 singles in 3 games and nothing else. I worry that when Delmon Young returns, Brown may not even play everyday. Sh!t, he might not even play every day even before Young comes back. I mean, it’s hard to keep stars like Mayberry and Nix off the field, but we shall see. I’m hoping to see a little more pop from him this week, but if it doesn’t come soon I would worry.
Though I hated playing as Dhalsim, I always respected the fact that he fought to raise money for his village, though it went against his pacifist beliefs. On another note, I always wondered if Dhalsim’s schlong stretched out like the rest of him. A potent utensil, that would be.
Zangief /Ryan Howard – How is it that Howard’s in more commercials since he started blowing yak wang than when he was raking? Do you know what the yak mating call sounds like? Click here. Whether you have or you haven’t isn’t relevant to the simple fact that Howard has started slower than Sky in our fantasy writers league, and I, for one, am worried. Since tearing his achilles in the last out of that playoff game a few years back, Howard has been a shell of his former self, seemingly spending all his free time with Subway’s Jared doing God knows what. Like Zangief, Howard is big and strong so hopefully he will still hit 30 jacks for us fantasy owners. Unlike Zangief, he didn’t train by wrestling Polar Bears in Siberia. You’ve seen the scars so you know the rumors are true. I’m still buying Howard for now, but a few more weeks of this and you got to be thinking bench time.
E. Honda/ Yoenis Cespedes – Thick and powerful with speed you would never expect. Edmond Honda’s chop attack often ended in fatalities for the opposition and Cespedes will provide the death stroke to many an opponent this season as well. Both began their training as children with the goal of being the greatest of all time: Honda the greatest sumo wrestler and Cespedes the best baseball player. Honda unquestionably achieved his goal, combining his sumo skills with many other martial arts techniques and Cespedes may yet achieve his goal as well. I’ve been reading some crazy projections on him this year and I can’t argue. With a couple homers out the gate, Cespedes could be in line for a monster year.
Balrog/Adam Lind – Balrog, to put it bluntly is the worst Street Fighter 2 fighter. The fact that this washed up boxer is one of the boss characters is laughable. I suppose becoming Bison’s enforcer has its perks and this was one of them. With no kick ability whatsoever, Balrog is a player I would avoid in all Street Fighter 2 fantasy leagues. Adding him into that movie almost made it unwatchable, though Van Damme gave an Oscar-worthy performance to make up for it. Enough of Balrog.
Adam Lind was not hyped by many, but I, Tehol Beddict, believed within my enormous heart that he was in line for a big season. Instead he has gone hitless and not produced a single point. On Thursday, it seemed like the whole entire Jay’s lineup went HAM, and somehow this peon couldn’t even reach base. I am appalled yet giving him exactly one week from Friday to turn it around, as anyone batting fifth in that potent lineup should be owned.
Vega/Dustin Ackley – Like Grey and myself, Vega is a gorgeous man, so he is forced to wear a mask when he fights to avoid bruising or scars. I completely relate and always wear a full on hockey style mask when playing basketball, lifting weights, or even driving for that matter. A head on collision could end my modeling days just like that. Unlike myself, Vega is not much more than a pretty face with a rockin’ bod. In my opinion he is one of the weaker characters to play with and this is where Dustin Ackley comes in. This kid was supposed to hit above 300 and possibly hit 20 homers a year from the valuable 2nd base slot. Instead, he’s been terrible. He has now changed his batting stance and looks more lost than I’ve ever seen him. 1 hit in 4 games is not cutting it and I see no signs of improvement. Feel free to cut bait for now.
Sagat/Felix Hernandez – Sagat won the title of Emperor/God of Muay Thai from Nuah Kahn as a teenager, and became a national hero in Thailand before moving on to Street Fighter fame. Ahhhhh, the good old days. Reminds me of when I was doing real modeling and not just gay porn. Losing his eye hasn’t stopped Sagat from wanting to be the best and truly believe he will get back there one day. Never give up hope my friend.
King Felix, on the other hand doesn’t need to achieve a past level of excellence, because he is already there. This tattooed warrior was downright filthy on opening day against the Athletics, and was my runner up behind Darvish in my fantasy Cy Young predictions. The Mariners have a lot more pop this year and should provide Hernandez the opportunity to win 20 plus games. Yes, he’s better than Justin Verlander.
M. Bison/Rickie Weeks — I couldn’t be any more pleased with Weeks’s start to the season. He’s left the yard, stolen a base, and is hitting everything in sight. I felt he was totally undervalued this season and pounced in every league but one. The average will be much higher this season with 25 plus homers and 20 steals. He shares a speed/power combo likeness to the Main Boss in Street Fighter, the fear inducing M.Bison.
Some speculate that Bison is over 100 years of age making his power and precision that much more impressive. We owe him thanks for setting up the Street Fighter tourney even though he was in charge of a huge crime syndicate in Thailand that resulted in the deaths of thousands of stray dogs. I, for one, salute him and respect him for all of the incredible battles he gave me in this extraordinary game. Thank you sir.
That is all for this week but just like on my other posts, your questions will be answered with extreme quickness and I appreciate your readership. Have a blessed day.