Fantasy Baseball Advice

I don’t like Brandon Webb. Why, Grey? Why the hard feelings? Did he have sex with your sister and then make you smell his fingers? No, you sick bastard. In 2004, I owned Brandon Webb in a league that counted Ks minus BBs and Webb had 119 walks that year, which is about twice his usual amount. I left that season vowing never to draft him again. So what did he do since my vow? He went on to become one of the top pitchers in the game. Did he become great as a personal vow of vengeance against me? Probably. Now just because Brandon Webb wants to be petty doesn’t mean I have to be, too. So while he has sucked dog balls over the last month, am I celebrating his struggles during Mojito Night at Case de Grey? No, it’s not necessary. A 6.05 ERA in June is bad. He knows. I don’t need to point out the obvious. Only 14 strikeouts in 22 IP is dreadful. In his last two games his ERA is 9.58. That’s 11 ER in 10.1 IP. Ugh and ugly. So this is great news for me because I get to see Webb struggle, but even better news for all of you that don’t own him. Not simply for the schadenfreude glee you get from seeing your friends miserable. (But that helps!) No, his recent struggles opens up a buying opportunity. Last year his Pre-All Star break ERA was 3.37; Post-All Star was 2.56.  His three year average against is .256 before the break and .239 after. I’m not a huge fan of trading for pitchers, especially not top ones, but while Webb struggles, there might be a chance to get him cheaper than usual. So if you need to get a pitcher, Webb should get better. Anyway, here’s some other players to buy and sell in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Chris Davis – Mentioned this morning. How’s that for timeliness?

Fred Lewis – On one hand, he has a name that sounds like he should be an 80s sitcom character, on the other he has 6 HRs and 13 steals. Consider him a weak man’s 30/30. Say 10/30?

Steven Pearce – Starting to hit everything he sees out of the park. Pirates prospect should get a look soon once the Pirates realize they should be playing for next year. (Yes, they should’ve been playing for next year in March. That’s cute. Did you think up that one on your own?)

Vladimir Guerrero – He already made one Buy list. Guess what? I’m still buying. Not because I think he’ going to go 40/40 after the break, but I do think he will be better than he has been and his price tag is extremely low right now.

Jim Thome – I noticed he was on waivers in one of my ten team leagues. Hmm… Once interleague is over, I’m picking him up. As a utility guy, he’s that bad? (That was rhetorical!)

Wandy Rodriguez – Well you came and you gave without taking, but I sent you away, oh Wandy… Where else do you go to get your fantasy baseball and Barry Manilow fill in one place? (That’s not rhetorical.)

Ryan Church – He should be back this weekend from his concussion. (On a side note, I was hit by a truck in college, knocking me into a coma. Long story short, I was back within the week getting drunk on Lansdowne. The truck was bigger than Marlon Anderson. Seriously, Willie might have made a misstep chucking Church back in there the next day, but now Church’s moving close to pulling a Kotchman.)

Gary Sheffield – Sheffield hates you. He just does. There’s no rhyme or reason. He especially hates those who think he can’t play anymore. To prove your stupid face wrong, he will continue to hit and prove his worth. But Sheff has the distinction of being both a Buy and a Sell. See below why he’s a “Sell.” (Talk about hedging my bets!)

SELL

Gary Sheffield – He’s old and steroids are now banned. Nagging injuries become DL stints and “Sheff needs a day off.” It’s hard for me to hate on Sheff too much; Sheff talks about himself in third person. Grey likes that, but Grey also is not picking Sheff up in any league.

Carlos Pena – If Pena was dropped in any league while he was injured, he’s worth grabbing to see if he can get hot. But, like Chief Jay Strongbow, I have my reservations. Then again, I used to think George Michael was straight, so I’ve been wrong in the past. Wait, this sounds like a Buy. Yeah, it is sorta (Grey’s hedging again!), but I also think Pena will be a season long bust and if Pena gets hot I think he should be sold immediately before he gives you a .220 average.

Francisco Liriano – He might be a Buy again next week, but for now, I’m dropping him. He’s looked bad in his last two minor league starts.

Kurt Suzuki – He had two home runs in the last two weeks and now he’s a hot add. An arm wrestling match between Suzuki vs. Kendall would last for three hours with one of them quitting because of a broken nail.

Eric Stults – I loved him as Rocky Dennis. Is he some kind of wonderful? Eh.

J.D. Drew – He will break your heart, just ask Philly.

Milton Bradley – He hates you more than Sheff. Larry King seems to think Milton Bradley should add “Fun For All Ages” at the end of his name. I think Milton Bradley would Chacon the air from your lungs if he heard you say that.

Okay, who’s the new schmohawk that Grey’s touting now? It’s Chris Davis, the Rangers hot prospect. There’s lots of things to like about Chris Davis. In the last 162 games, he’s hit .327 and 49 home runs. Zoinks! The only thing that’s standing in Chris Davis’s way of playing time is Hank Blalock’s health. (If Hank Blalock came down with the black plague, would anyone blink a eye? The guy makes Mr. Glass seem insurable. Maybe it’s some kind of psychological thing because when he was young he heard how it was so cool to be “ill” or “be illin’” and now Blalock’s manifesting that into injuries and sickness? Okay, it’s just a theory.) The bad fantasy baseball news about Chris Davis, he strikes out a lot. Okay, I’ll define a lot. Adam Dunn struckout 101 times in his last full year of the minors. Chris Davis struckout 150 times. Dunn walked 100 times. Davis walked 35 times. Dunn hit 16 home runs. Davis hit 36. Okay, that doesn’t mean he will strikeout 250 times and hit 50 HRs, but it gives you a bit of an idea of what kind of player he is. So what should you do? Take a flier if you have room (not that he’s in Yahoo’s database anyway). The downside is you drop him after a week and move on. The upside is 15 home runs and lots of Ks. As I’ve said many times before, Braun’s ’07 does not happen every year or every five years. Just don’t get burned chasing rookie-nookie. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Matt Garza – Threw a one hitter against the ‘lins. Shouldn’t be on waivers in any ten team or deeper league. Garza is too erratic/wild to just yet move up to being called a “solid #2.” It’s fine anyway, I’ve seen some solid number twos and they smell — oofa!

Edinson Volquez – Take out the Liquid Paper; there’s been a correction! You knew it was coming at some point. I think the most surprising thing was Julio Reyes aka Edison aka Edinson didn’t strikeout anyone. Honestly, this is a bizarre time for his correction to come. Interleague? Against the Blue Jays? In the dome? I think all the Reds pitchers are just glad they don’t have to face Joe Inglett anymore. (BTW, Joe Inglett should sell his Reds pitcher voodoo dolls on QVC; those things worked!)

Chase Headley – Now has 14 Ks to 0 walks. Just as I advised with Bruce a month ago, I’d trade Headley or hold onto him and lower expectations. (I also advise catching The Real World: Hollywood. There’s someone from this season’s cast actually dating someone from a previous season’s cast. They should do a reality show where they rent out a whole town and put up every reality show person. Sorta like Kid Nation meets The Truman Show. Only it will be filled with bickering and orgies. Eric Nies could be the mayor, Rudy from the first Survivor could be the sheriff (if he’s alive, I have no idea), MythBusters could run a diner and Kynt & Vyxsin from The Amazing Race could open a boutique…. My head’s going to explode just thinking about all the possibilities.)

Curtis Granderson – I’m not the first one to say this — this might not even be the first time I’ve said it, but he’s a really poor base stealer. I watched Izzy, who’s so slow to the plate Leyland went for a cigarette break during the windup, throw an off speed pitch to Jason LaRue and LaRue, who throws like he’s drunk or handicapped, still threw out Granderson at 2nd base.

Jason Isringhausen – Pitched 2 and a 1/3 innings yesterday. This isn’t how he’s meant to be used and, frankly, I don’t want any part of it. Not sure what LaRussa’s drinking doing, but it’s not going to end well. In fact, Izzy was seen limping at one point yesterday and the trainer had to come out and check on him. Then Izzy went on to pitch another inning. Hold your Franklins and Perezes.

Gary Sheffield – Homered yesterday. He’ll be mentioned later today in the weekly Buy/Sell. You’re welcome.

Rich Harden – The only ability of Harden’s I doubt is his ability to stay healthy. I think if you have him, you might have a potential Cy Young winner or a guy that won’t see July. You can’t trade for that or trade that away. The only way I trade for Harden is if the deal’s lopsided in my favor.

Cliff Lee – Two words for you old-timers, Atlee Hammaker. In 1983, Atlee had 1.70 ERA going into the All Star game, then he gave up seven runs in 2/3 of an inning, including the first ever grand slam to Freddie Lynn. After the All Star game, he was never the same. Muahahahaha…. (Is it me or did that sound like campfire story from baseball camp?) BTW, Atlee actually wasn’t that bad after the All-Star break. But muahahahaha anyway…

Clayton Kershaw – 4 IP, 2 ER, 69 pitches. He’s on waivers in my fifteen team league and I can understand it.

John Danks – As someone pointed out in the comments or the forum (I’m not sure), Danks has pitched well. He’s only given up more than 3 ER once since the beginning of May.

Juan Pierre – 32 steals. Yeah, it sure was a waste to draft him for steals!

Wandy Rodriguez – He’s a bit of a bumpy ride, but he’s posted some great numbers thus far. Maybe Wandy and Ervin went to a hypnotist in the offseason to get over their fear of pitching on the road. You will choose not to suck…. You will chooose not to suck…. Later that night, “Yo, Wandy, what are you doing with that lollipop?” “Ervin, I can’t suck!”

Josh Hamilton – Left the game in the 2nd inning because of his knee or the HBP from the previous inning. Either way, every time I see Josh, I think of Bubbles from The Wire. Yo, man, Sherrod’s death wasn’t your fault!

Alexis Rios hit three balls hard and one to the base of the centerfield wall that is a home run if it’s hit anywhere else. Finally, he’s hot. Hopefully Alexis Rios’s slump is done and his hot streak goes straight through the All-Star break and into October. He owes me! The fact that he only has four home runs thus far is an injustice to mankind (not the WWE wrestler who writes the occasional book and wears flannel). Joe Inglett has two home runs! Are you kidding me? Alexis Rios is another two week slump away from me reenacting Celtic Pride and kidnapping him. Stay hot, Rios. You’ve been warned. (BTW, while watching the Rios game, I was eating dinner with my girlfriend–she made a Sloppy Faux, which is a Sloppy Joe with fake meat. Don’t worry, I’m not a vegetarian; she is. And when she cooks, I eat. But I digress within the digression. So Rios hits the ball to deep center and I get excited. Then she says, “So you have real enthusiasm for a guy you have on a fake team?” Hmm… Maybe I care too much.) Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Rick Ankiel – Hit two HRs yesterday. (Am I the only one who wants the Cardinals to go into the 18th inning of a game and bring Ankiel in to pitch?)

Kyle Kendrick – He’s 7-3. Johan Santana called, he wants his win-loss record back. (Here’s my October prediction. The Phils make it to the playoffs and Kyle Kendrick is something like 15-10. Then in the third game of the 1st series, Kendrick is shelled and Joe Morgan says, “Kendrick had a great season, but just didn’t have it today.” Can you hear the vitriol (Word of The Day) in my voice?)

Shaun Marcum – Things went well with Dr. James Andrews. No surgery needed. Maybe I’m a pessimist but to me, visiting Dr. James Andrews is reason enough to be worried.

Jason Isringhausen – Blown save. I don’t think Ryan Franklin should be dropped just yet.

Gary Sheffield – Went 4-for-5. I don’t have any doubt that he wants to play and prove people wrong. Sheff is driven by proving people wrong. Much like Bonds was. However, I think nagging injuries catch up to Sheff before he can show everyone a thing or two. Is he worth a flier? Sure. Just don’t drop anyone you’ll regret. (Hey, that sounds like something I would say in the comments. So that’s me quoting future me!)

Luke Hochevar – Aka the guy whose last name you can’t pronounce went 8 innings and gave up 2 ER. He’s tamed his control problem in his last couple of starts, but I’m not picking him up in any league.

Shawn Chacon – I read the recap of how he attacked Ed Wade, the Astros GM. I also read about their conversation before it all went down. What I didn’t read was what Chacon did immediately after the altercation. Here’s what I think went down post-altercation. Chacon into his cellphone, “Hey, Milton Bradley, it’s Chacon. Did you hear–” “I’m watching Passions.” “The soap opera?” “What do you want, Chacon?” “Well, I just had an altercation and I was looking for some spiritual guidance. It seems–” “Did I mention I was watching Passions?” “Should I let you go?” At that point, Milton Bradley hung up on Shawn Chacon. If anyone knows where Chacon is now, let him know there are people that care about him and to keep hope alive.

Aaron Harang – I’m done making excuses for him. Okay, one excuse — he gave up an infield single then a home run to Joe Inglett(!) that barely got over the wall and hit the foul pole. What’s even more annoying (to me at least), Harang just doesn’t seem like he cares, but maybe that’s the creepy, Lurch-like deep sunken eyes. I hate you, Harang!

Eric Stults – I like Dodgers pitchers as much as the next guy, but I’m not picking up this schmohawk.

Jorge Campillo – Picked him up for this spot start, then I forgot to put him in (a drawback to having lots of teams). Anyway, I’m not necessarily dropping him just yet (though I’m not sure I’ll be starting him next time out against thePhils).

Russell Branyan – Mentioned this in the forums yesterday. Branyan looks like he’s turned the corner back onto K St.

Felix Hernandez – F-Her confirms what I thought all along. He’s not going to make his next start.

John Maine – Finally, someone makes the M’s look like the M’s.

Cristian Guzman – The Nats gave him a contract extension. After the announcement, Guzman said this, “Suckas!”

Carl Crawford – Carlin dead, Jared dead, Carl Crawford alive.  With two home runs yesterday, Crawford is hitting close to .500 in the last 7 games with three home runs. Why is he suddenly hitting? Because I just traded him away in one league. God hates me because I question him with things like, “Why are there more pigeons than pandas?”

Hank Blalock - Hurt his hand and doesn’t know when he’ll be able to return. Really sad stuff. I remember the good ‘ol days when he’d be able to return from a DL stint, play for a week or two then go back on the DL. Now it seems like he’s just going from DL stint to DL stint. *pours out some forty*

While we at Razzball are content toiling within the modest confines of fantasy baseball blogdom, we occasionally like to flex our journalistic muscles and take on a challenging interview.

Our interview subject is the well-respected director of such films as Do The Right Thing, Malcolm X, He Got Game, and Bamboozled as well as a well-known devotee of New York sports.

The incomparable….The incorrigible….Spike Lee.

Rudy: Thank you for accepting our interview request, Spike.

Spike: My pleasure. You know I love talking ‘ball. Knicks 2009! It’s our year. We get a ball handler with our first round…

Rudy: Spike, we don’t cover basketball. We cover baseball – fantasy baseball to be exact.

Spike: What?! (uncomfortably long pause) You’re lucky you’ve got a black man as your avatar.

Rudy: Sorry for the confusion. So we know you’re a Knick fan – what baseball team do you root for?

Spike: Crooklyn Dodgers, Homestead Grays, The Bingo Long Traveling All-Stars & Motor Kings

Rudy: Any non-fictional teams that have played a game within the last 40 years? C’mon, you must be either a Yankee or Met fan?

Spike: I root for all New York teams but I just stopped rooting for the Mets after what they did to my boy Slick Willie. If I had to pick a favorite Major League team other than the Yankees, I’d say the Toronto Mo’ Better Blue Jays. Show ‘em how it’s done, Cito G.

Rudy: You’ve exchanged words in the press recently with Clint Eastwood on the dearth of black characters in his WWII movie Flags of our Fathers. You feel it disrespected the many African-American soldiers who fought nobly in that effort. Baseball and race have a long, intertwined history – I’m wondering if you have similar views on baseball movies.

Spike: Don’t get me started, Rudy. I’m not sure Hollywood ever got the memo that baseball is integrated.

Rudy: Isn’t that a tad offbase? Hollywood released The Jackie Robinson Story a couple years after he started playing for the Dodgers.

Spike: Yeah, and they cast Jackie Robinson to play himself. God forbid they hire an actor so two black men could prosper. At least it had Ruby Dee in it. Nobody does it like Ruby Dee.

Rudy: Let me throw out some other baseball movies and you let me know what you think of them. First one: Bull Durham.

Spike: Is there one black guy on that team? No wonder why they sucked. And I’ve been to Carolina. Trust me – a white ho’ like Susan Sarandon’s character Annie wouldn’t be deciding between Kevin Costner and Tim Robbins. That’s like choosing between vanilla and butter pecan. Real life, Annie has a mad case of Jungle Fever. Chocolate or chocolate chocolate chip.

Rudy: A League of Their Own

Spike: More like a A League Keepin’ To Its Own. Where are all the sistas? I’ll tell you where they were. They were all in the trenches. They were stormin’ Omaha Bee-yotch. Don’t believe Spielberg’s jive – no Tom Hanks-lookin’ guy saved Matt Damon. It was a sista.

Rudy: Eight Men Out

Spike: Why you gotta call them the Black Sox? Ain’t no black men on that team. THAT’S the scandal if you ask me.

Rudy: Field of Dreams

Spike: This might be a white man’s dream but it sure ain’t a black man’s. Somewhere in the midwest they build a magical field where the lilly-white Black Sox ghosts can play. A white man (Kevin Costner) then kidnaps a black man (James Earl Jones) to make him watch baseball. Then when the white ghosts leave for the cornfields aka plantation, they invite James Earl Jones but tell Kevin Costner he can’t come. What do you think happens in the cornfield – they all sing kumbaya? Take out the weepy music and that scene may as well be in Birth of a Nation.

Rudy: Wow…um, Major League.

Spike: How come it’s gotta be a black man praying to Jaboo? And what’s up with turning my boy Wesley (Snipes) into a baseball playin’ Stepin’ Fetchit? I cast Wesley in a movie and make him a proud African-American architect who’s neck deep in fine Italian punani. This movie it’s all “Yessah, I’ll do some push-ups. I shoulda never been poppinin’ up dem balls” and “Nossah, I should’nta gone and stolen all dem bases”. Makes me sick to my stomach.

Rudy: Are there any baseball movies you do like?

Spike: Besides The Bingo Long Traveling All-Stars & Motor Kings and The Jackie Robinson Story, nope. Well, I kind of dig The Bad News Bears. Let them play! Let them play!

Rudy: You’ve done a basketball movie (He Got Game). Any thought of doing a baseball movie?

Spike: Funny you should ask. I’m working on a biopic right now of Reggie Jackson called “JaXon”. Denzel is getting fitted for over-sized glasses as we speak.

Rudy: Can’t wait for it to hit theaters. We love Reggie over here at Razzball. Last question: Do you play in any fantasy baseball leagues?

Spike: Nah. Stopped playing years ago. Too hard to find players I like beyond outfielders and power-hitting 1st basemen.

Rudy: Spike, thank you for your time. it’s been a pleasure.

Spike: Go Knicks!

Josh Hamilton left yesterday’s game with a sore knee. Well, you knew the injury was coming at some point. The good news is he didn’t leave immediately so it couldn’t have been too bad, right? Um, yeah, hopefully. The bad news, he’s a recovering drug addict and as we all learned from Dylan McKay’s battle with drugs on 90210, addicts can’t take pain killers. This banged up knee should serve as a reminder to all of Hamilton’s fantasy baseball owners. He’s not only injury-prone, he doesn’t bounce back that quickly. Maybe it was the years of huffing? Maybe he sold his soul for a bag of rocks? Who knows. But at some point you might lose Hamilton to a more serious injury, don’t rely on him for everything. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Dave Bush – 7 IP, 1 ER. All he does is pitch quality starts!… Actually that’s a complete lie. He had about two years in there where he was unusable. I’m still not going anywhere near him.

A.J. Burnett – Pitched well, but I imagine a quick ten runs of support is psychologically similar to when I drink Tequila. “My bad, officer, I had no idea roof surfing like Teen Wolf was illegal.”

Jay Bruce – Batting seventh last night. Gotta love rookies, right? Well, I told you to sell high on May 31st and, if that didn’t convince you, Karabell told you Bruce would be this year’s Braun.

Alexis Rios – Hit a home run against Arroyo. (Then again Arroyo gave up ten runs in one inning to the Blue Jays. An extremely hard thing to do.)

Reed Johnson – Hit the 15-day DL retroactive to June 18th. This gives Little Patterson a bit of breathing room. Gotta look at Eric Patterson in deep leagues, if you can get past his striking (out) resemblance to Corey).

Ramon Hernandez – Has hit in 6 in the row, 9 out of 10. If you can remember back to March, Ramon (that’s Nomar backwards!) was on a lot of ‘perts’ lists as a sleeper. Well, he’s now getting hot. I don’t think Hernandez is done; I also wouldn’t drop Doumit or better for him.

Mark Buehrle - 1 ER in 8 IP. I spot started Buehrle on one team that lost Wainwright. Worked out okay. I may not start him again, but I felt better about it than last week’s Oliver Perez spot start. Speaking of…

Oliver Perez – He gave up 6 ER to the Giants in a third of an inning on 6/2. Then he pitched well against the Padres and the Rangers. Then he was lit up by the Angels and Mariners. He gets the Yankees next. You can probably find a better spot start.

Shawn Hill – 6 ER in 3 IP. *sitting down* Ouch, that hurts! *trying to sit down again* Ouch, still hurts!

Jonathan Sanchez – Dirty Sanchez doesn’t do him justice. His stuff his so nasty from now on he will be known as Filthy Sanchez.

Ryan Doumit – He returns and hits a home run. Tell me who’s better, Doumit or Soto? Tell me!

Mike Napoli – Crapoli was in a horrific slump before last night’s game. Maybe this breaks him out. Watch him as if your life depends on it. Or at least your crazy aunt’s life. She loves you and her cats!

Kevin Slowey – 7 Ks, 0 ER in 6 IP. I do have a soft spot for Slowey, but for a guy that gives up a lot of home runs, this was a peach matchup. So, for those in Latin America, caveat emptor.

Jeremy Guthrie – I’m glad I didn’t have to send off my strongly worded letter to the Orioles offense about the importance of run support.

Trevor Hoffman – He was Kazaam’d.

Zach Greinke – As many of you already know, I traded Melky Cabrera to my blogmate Rudy Gamble for Zach Greinke. Soon after the trade, Rudy dropped Melky to waivers because of poor production. Last night Greinke K’d 10 on his way to a quality start/win. This is turning into a trade similar to Doyle Alexander for John Smoltz or Jim Fregosi for Nolan Ryan or Valerie Harper for Sandy Duncan. Hey, Rudy, turn on some sad songs and grab a pint of ice cream, cause you’ve been Greinke’d!