The year was 1987. I was ten years old and my biggest hobby was collecting baseball cards. Topps. Fleer. Donruss. You name it. And once Upper Deck was released in 1989, watch out! Hello Ken Griffey Jr. Baseball cards were awesome in the 80s. So were a great many other things, but I’ll save some of those for another post. The excitement of ripping open a pack of baseball cards and the anticipation of finding out who I got in that pack is something that can still get me going today. But back to 1987 for a moment. I was walking with my dad to his car in the parking lot of Matthew’s Diner in Teaneck when I uttered my first curse word in his presence. At the time I was busy trying to complete my set of 7-11 Slurpee baseball coins. You remember those gems? They were underneath a small flap on the bottom of the cup. As you tilted them they’d give the illusion of movement. As if Slurpees weren’t good enough on their own.
The only coin my collection was missing was Mike Schmidt. On the walk to the car my dad asked me how many coins I still needed and my answer was just “Mike Shit”. This was entirely a Freudian slip as I was fan of the slugging Phillies third baseman. Heck he was Nolan Arenado before Nolan Arenado was Nolan Arenado. Schmidt even swiped some bases, maxing out at 29 in 1975. Even though “bad” words weren’t part of our family’s routine vocabulary, my dad just smiled and said “I’d like to see that one” as we both laughed it off.
Here’s how I see it. Mike Schmidt was to 3B in the 1970’s like I expect Manny Machado to be over the next ten years. Minus the sweet stache. I eventually got that Schmidt coin and completed my set by trading away a duplicate Jim Rice and Eddie Murray. Now if I can only find that set.
With the fantasy baseball season officially under way, draft season has slowly come to a conclusion. One of my favorite parts of drafting and creating a team is coming up with a clever name for each team. The hardest part is thinking of a name which hasn’t already been thought of by someone else. This was much easier in the pre-Google era when you’d never know your name wasn’t unique.
I’ve decided to take this opportunity to share with you some of my creations, which to the best of knowledge, are indeed my creations.
Dwight Gooden Plenty
In 1985 Dwight Gooden pitched 276.2 innings. He went 24-4 while striking out 268 batters, ending the season with a 1.53 ERA. Clayton Kershaw who? Last year Kershaw struck out 301 batters in just 232.2 innings (11.64 K/9). He finished with a 16-7 record and a 2.13 ERA. An argument could be made that his 2014 season was better. He posted a 21-3 record with a 1.77 ERA. However, he struck out only 239 in 198.1 innings (10.8 K/9). I’ll take Gooden’s ’85 results and box of Good & Plenty.
Frank Thomas’s English Muffins
Everyone loves those nooks and crannies. The Big Hurt had five seasons in which he hit at least 40 home runs and eleven in which he drove in more than 100 RBIs. I remember drafting him for $10 in my roto league auction back in 1991. What a steal! Unfortunately you won’t find Frank in the current player pools, so you’ll have to settle for what I am calling Frank Thomas Lite. That would be none other than Anthony Rizzo.
Harry and the Rickey Hendersons
From 1982 until the early 1990’s, Rickey Henderson was a fantasy baseball players dream come true. It didn’t matter what format you were playing. Using standard scoring systems Henderson averaged 500 points per season between 1982 and 1990. Over the last four seasons Mike Trout has averaged 520 points.
Randy’s Johnson
At the start of the 2005 season I traded away Josh Beckett in return for Randy Johnson. I was giving up a young star for an established veteran. It was a win now move and it worked. That season Randy laid his Johnson on the line winning 17 games and striking out 207 batters over 225.2 innings pitched. I won the World Series that season.
Rollie Fingers Little Boys
I have no proof that this one is true, but what I do know is that Mr. Fingers had four seasons in which he had at least ten wins and twenty saves. Between 1971 and 1978 he averaged 424 fantasy points per season. Over the last five seasons Craig Kimbrel has been the highest scoring closer. During that span he has averaged 455 points. Looks like Rollie wouldn’t be too far behind Mr. Kimbrel. Tickle, tickle.
Dave Winfield of Dreams
Big Dave is my all time favorite baseball player. I own every baseball card of his until he was traded away from the New York Yankees in 1990. I’ll expand on my childhood hero another day in a post dedicated to him. Between 1977 (the year I was born) and 1988, Winfield averaged 462 points. In his six full seasons in the Majors, Andrew McCutchen has averaged 442 points.
Righetti and Meatballs
Hungry? How about an average of five wins and 31 saves with the Yankees between 1984 and 1990. He’ll throw in a no-hitter if that doesn’t satisfy your appetite.
George Sabrett
The biggest wieners in Kansas City. Or so I’ve heard.
Orosco P. Coltrane
The 1980’s Mets meet The Dukes of Hazzard.
The Girl Who Kicked Bob Horner’s Nest
I wonder if she did so on July 6, 1986.
Ray Knight In Shining Armor
Perhaps he earned this title after he scored the winning run of game six of the 1986 World Series and won the MVP of that series.
Gwynn Stefani
I did hear that the Padres listen to No Doubt on the team bus.
Von Hayes and Confused
Von came close, but never quite made it to the 30/30 club. He would have been a lot cooler if he did.
Here are a few more:
Nine, Ten, Blyleven
Jim Rice and Beans
No More Garciaparra
Welcome Back Gary Carter
Jeff Reardon His Ugly Head
Lady Galaragga (while I did come up with this on my own, Google proved I wasn’t the first)
And last, but certainly not least, my two favorites.
Gossage and Peppers
For some reason this one just cracks me up. Makes me kinda hungry too.
Finish on Hrbek
Might as well end with the money shot.
