Let’s dust off Grey’s tiers for this first closer report of the season. We’re one day in and the sky is already falling all over the closer landscape.

  • We have our first dumpster fire of the season in Arizona. Pudding-brained Toery Lovullo will use the guy with experience in Greg Holland, albeit awful recent experience.
  • Bruce Bochy did the right thing and confirmed Will Smith will be the closer. A manager making a sensible decision, be still my heart.
  • Taylor Rodgers earned the opening day save in Minnesota. The matchups dictated a LHP so don’t go overboard changing that hierarchy. We need to be aware Rocco Baldeli will mix and match, however.
  • An old fashioned 6-out save was on the menu for Josh Hader. He needed Lorenzo Cain to bring a homer back over the wall, but the stuff was nasty as ever with plenty of whiffs.
  • Pedro Strop hammy wasn’t a big deal and he’s ready to go. Bump him up a tier with another leap pending his hold on the role of.
  • The Reds and Royals bullpens got off on the wrong foot. Both spots need to be monitored to see if roles are changing.

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.


Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.


These guys are the men that make the save market go round. They punch in, punch out. Have the job, no real threat to speak of, and are basically just there to collect great benny’s so they can take care of their crippled brother. Who is only really crippled because he is scared of the sun.

Brain Freezes

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Carlos Marmol– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Castro in the head with a pick-off throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.