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The Razzball Podcast — The One Where Comedian Steve Byrne Drops By

June 11, 2013 | All Podcasts | 585 Comments

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JayWrong hijacks the podcast in protest of Steve Byrne of TBS’s Sullivan and Son coming on the podcast because his Razzball contract states that he’s the “official” half Irish-half Korean podcast guest. However, Steve quickly showed why JayWrong shouldn’t abandon his post for too long because in the ever-changing world of multimedia, the tides change quickly. Just look at how fast the environment changed compared to Al Gore’s use of PowerPoint. Brooksie from Shawshank would be totally lost. SteveWrong? Maybe if he’s not too careful. The “he” in that sentence can be read as either JayWrong or SteveWrong. Oh, and check out Season 2 of Sullivan and Son which airs this Thursday…Well, I was gonna say the time, but no one watches anything live, so set your DVR and watch whenever. Rudy joins the show and explains why the Hitter-Tron is so valuable right now. People have gotten accustom to streaming pitchers, but there’s a market inefficiency right now for streaming hitters — take advantage. I think if you’re not using the Stream-o-Nator or Hitter-Tron you’re using Razzball 1.0 and we’re rolling with 3.0. Soon, when you open the site, it’s gonna say, “You’ve got mail.” Hey, curve, we’re ahead of you. Also Rudy promises to provide documentation to figure out how to use all the tools optimally. I guess he doesn’t realize everyone would prefer he just do a tutorial on YouTube. Who reads docs? I don’t even have time to spell out the whole word for docs. Then I come on to talk about Bobby Brown and Suge Knight. Anyway, here’s the Razzball podcast (now with SteveWrong):

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Yo Gadrian!

June 11, 2013 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 523 Comments

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The name YoGa conjures peace, calm and sneaking looks at girls in yoga pants. On the mound, YoGa conjures stress. Starting him is like asking him to be your designated driver. You really have no idea what you’re going to get. He’s become more predictable as of late, but not in the good way. Every game this year he’s looked like someone put him in the fridge for an hour, then poured Magic Shell over him, then chiseled him out and left the fake-choco shell on the mound. I was already to drop him. I had hit my brink. So, how does he reward me? Does he pitch terrible and allow me the freedom of dropping him? You think anything’s that easy with YoGa? Yesterday, Yovani Gallardo was regularly hitting 93 MPH, and looking the part of the guy that finished 11th in Cy Young voting two years ago and won 16 games with a 3.66 ERA last year. A guy that has been a solid number two fantasy starter for the last four years. He threw a near-flawless 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners (1 BB), 4 Ks game. Of course, it was against the MIA Marlins and only 4 Ks. Still, I can’t drop him after that, but I also can’t start him for his next game in Great American Ballpark. So, for now I’ll hold a guy that I can’t start or bench confidently. Ugh, more stress! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

You Don’t Know Diddley, Moore

June 10, 2013 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 1,007 Comments

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Matt Moore had the line of 5 IP, 8 ER, 13 baserunners, 6 Ks. But he only allowed one walk! What? Like putting frosting on a doodie cupcake? Like eating only cupcakes for three weeks, then pooping into a cupcake pan? Do you eat the cupcake ingredients separate, then let them mix in your stomach? Does it matter? Either way, Moore was crap. If you thought he was a sub-2 ERA pitcher, you were lying to yourself. Remember, it’s okay to lie to others, dangerous when you lie to yourself. Moore’s xFIP is egregious, which meant he had some regressing to do. His walks are out of control — literally. His walks right now are Jonathan Sanchez bad. Yes, that made me shudder too. If you build a pitching staff house with a bunch of Jonathan Sanchezes, it’ll be shuttered. Hopefully, Moore’s next game vs. the Royals will stall further regression and he can cut his walks (and not just when he gets rocked). If Moore can’t get it together vs. the Royals, he’ll have a tough Red Sox, Yankees, Tigers stretch to get through that might need a lengthy benching, i.e. less Moore is more or less Moore. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

My Buy Guy Has A Last Name, It’s M-Y-E-R-S

June 7, 2013 | Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell | 1,140 Comments

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Hello, Nick Castellanos, see you soon, maybe, yeah, no, okay. Great to meet you, Gerrit Cole, eventually. What do you know it’s, Mike Zunino, maybe at some point in the near future. What’s up, Billy Hamilton, hey, aren’t you supposed to be fast? What’s taking you so long? Is that Oscar Taveras…Oh, it’s Willy Taveras eating nachos out of a dwarf’s sombrero. What about that number one prospect guy that the Royals traded so they could be a .500 team? What’s his name again? Something Byers. Or is it Jon Cryer? HBO Signature Loves Playing Radio Flyer? Wil Myers! That’s it. Let’s compare him first to a guy that he’s nothing like, shall we? Cool, thanks for indulging. What a mensch, you are! Jurickson Profar was called up and has played about as well as expected. Is there any league where you can’t do without him? Sure, maybe in a deep AL-Only league where you lost Kinsler or were starting Marwin Gonzalez. In most mixed leagues, Profar has been good but replaceable. At some point in the near future, Profar’s going to use the world to wipe his butt. He’s not going to wash his hands and then run them down our country’s shirt with his profound badassery. That day probably isn’t that far off. Right now, he’s good, I’ve seen better, I’ve seen worse for mixed leagues. Compare him to Jean Segura if you like. Segura was nice when he came up last year, this year he’s dining with Jay-Z while shushing Blue Ivy. Now, like I said, Wil Myers isn’t a Profar comparison when it comes to their stats, but everything else I said there could apply. Myers is holding his own in Triple-A so far this year (10 HRs, .276) and could be called up in about three weeks. Now would be the time I’d stash him in all leagues. The moment he’s called up it will be like The Day the Earth Stood Still only Hitter-Tron will be saving all the ladies. I’d cautiously expect him to see 80% of starts after being called up, and numbers around 30/14/35/.280/4. That’s probably a tad optimistic, but what fun is there in dour? Those numbers could also be had in three months from, say, Alfonso Soriano. ‘What fun is there in dour’ then you drop Soriano? Sorry, Random Italicized Voice, we’re not seeing a Trout this year and I’m just being honest. What are you, Abe Lincoln? Lie to me! Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Walter Cronkite Removes His Glasses

June 7, 2013 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 484 Comments

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Our correspondent in St. Louis, Dan Pants, is reporting at 8:05 Eastern Standard Time, Ian Kennedy‘s fastball died. There’s still no official confirmation. Details are scant. Daniel Descalso is in questioning about the murder. Let’s go back now, and take a moment and recount the life of Ian Kennedy’s fastball. It originally came up in the Yankee organization, where it showed promise, but one two many times it was left out over the plate and hitters clobbered it. They didn’t quite murder it like last night. No, that was saved for a balmy night in St. Louis. Our thoughts and prayers are with the Kennedy family. Wait, now I understand they are transporting Daniel Descalso to another police station for questioning. Let’s go there now. Descalso, “I don’t know anything about the situation here. I am just a patsy. Ian Kennedy’s fastball’s died weeks ago in Cuba chasing Fidel Castro. I’d like legal representation.” Wait, is that Kubel… Descalso is down! Kubey’s in cuffs. Mayhem ensues. Hopefully, Ian Kennedy can find some peace on the Disgraceful List, where he’s surely headed. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Teheran Takes Bats Hostage

June 6, 2013 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 934 Comments

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Julio Teheran held the Pirates to one hit yesterday with 11 Ks in 8 innings, lowering his ERA to 3.30, making Teheran victorious vs. the Pirates. Which sounds like it was a battle of hostage takers. “You give us Wandy’s forearm!” “Okay, you give us Uggla’s Ed Hardy-clad booty.” “Um…What?” “You heard me, those jeans are hot on the black market.” “So, you just want the jeans or his actual booty?” “Enough questions, infidel!” Only these weren’t like Somalian Pirates, they were more like The Pirates of Penzance. Zing, high-five self! As Obama and New Jersey work tirelessly to restore Beachy to its former glory of cigarette-scented arcades, frozen custard and teased-out hair, Teheran is making the Braves job difficult for what happens when Beachy returns. Do you think the Braves bump Teheran? Maholm? Hudson? I got a question broken up into three parts, y’all! Maybe Maholm will get hurt. He did, after all, throw, like, 17,000 sliders last year. Well, time will tell unless the Mayans stop the planet abruptly. I’d obviously hold Teheran until the situation resolves itself. I.e., I’d take Teheran hostage. Zadow, fist pump self! Anyway, here’s what else happened yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Braun And A-Rod Nuts In Miami Vice

June 5, 2013 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 1,000 Comments

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Did someone call Glenn Frey? Cuz the H is O. When the news hit, I was on the toilet, which reminded me of that famous Lawrence Taylor quote when he said, “My life is in the toilet and no one is flushing.” Ryan Braun and Alex Rodriguez‘s lives are in that same proverbial toilet; hopefully they avoid sleeping with an underage prostitute. “Baby, you ever see me break Theismann’s leg?” “The Theismann Trophy? Wow, isn’t that bronze?” “Joe Theismann, woman!” “Woman? I’m 16.” That’s an audio recording of LT in the hotel room. So, the world is ablaze with ESPN’s report that a suspension is forthcoming for Braun, A-Rod, Yasmani Grandal, Nelson Cruz, Jhonny Peralta and Everth Cabrera, amongst notable fantasy names. Gio Gonzalez isn’t in danger because he makes people write down shizz in invisible ink. “I bought this pen from the back of comic book, forgoing the 3-D glasses.” That’s Gio at the steroid reception desk. By the by, how buff was the lady taking calls at Biogenesis and how bad did A-Rod hit on her? I got questions, y’all! If Ryan Braun is suspended, the repercussions will obviously be huge for your fantasy team. However, Braun looks like he’s already battling something — the Jewish guilt? P to the erhaps. If you’re doing well in your league with the Braun that you have, chances are you can rotate through hot schmotatoes in shallower mixed leagues to give you his production. If A-Rod is suspended? Well, no one cares outside of the buff receptionist. EverCab could also send people scrambling for steals on waivers, while Cruz and Jhonny are replaceable in most mixed leagues. On the bright side, Braun’s lawyers will probably fight this for at least a month or two, and they’ve won before over what mail carrier someone used, so you never know. On the brighter side, the publishers of the Jewish Sports Hero Pamphlet can hold off on an expansion for a while. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

The Razzball Podcast — The One Where Rudy Goes Over Buysellatops And Platoony Tunes

June 4, 2013 | All Podcasts | 609 Comments

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I sat out today’s podcast due to inclement weather (not true). It was raining here and I felt blue (still not true; it never rains in Southern California, listen to Tony Toni Tone. I think I might’ve been kicked off the podcast due to my high-pitched squeal. I’m investigating lawsuits. “Honorable sir from Canada, I wish to be on my podcast?” “Will you promise not to cackle?” “Dah!”) Instead, underwear model, Tehol, joins the pod to discuss the waiver wire, but Nick suggests Tehol get one of his undergarment companies on board as an in-studio sponsor. Weird, I always imagined Nick already did the podcast in his underwear. I guess I can still imagine that. Also, Tehol goes into detail about how easy it is to score chicks as an underwear model. I’d say if you’re an underwear model and you can’t score chicks, you’re gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Also, author BJ Rudell joined Nick to discuss some overlooked baseball strategies and why co-ownership is the work of the devil. Then JB brings us the daily fantasy report and discusses how he killed it in the Play with Rudy from Razzball contest last week. Finally, Rudy tells us how to use his new tools, the Buysellatops and Platoony Tunes. (Only the Hitter-Tron tool needs you to tickle its balls to work.) If you just found this post by typing into Google “gay” + “fantasy podcast” + “BJ” + “underwear model” + “tickle its balls.” Welcome! We don’t judge! Anyway, here’s the Razzball podcast (now with BJ & The Bear, Nick):

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

How Now Brown Wow

June 4, 2013 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 495 Comments

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Domonic Brown went 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and yet another homer, his 17th. Can we just bask in the Brown glow? Or Basque, if you’re Spanish. A run like this only happens once in a blue moon. Or Blue Moon, if you like orange wedges with your beer. Brown is in the zone, then the zone called and said Brown doesn’t need to pay his room service bill. It’s on the house! (The zone just doesn’t do that sorta thing usually.) Everyone wants a piece of Brown. The League of Extraordinary Italian-Americans called and claimed True Romance was right and Domonic is Italian. The Mexican American hip hop duo, A Lighter Shade of Brown, is going to a tanning salon in anticipation of changing their name. Charlie Manuel said he’s known all along what Brown was capable of, but no one understands a word he says. From my mouth to your deity of choice, please let him stay hot until October. That is all I ask. That and to win the lottery. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Dodgers Put Lipstick On A Puig

June 3, 2013 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 1,153 Comments

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Carl Crawford hurt his hammy on Saturday, which opened the door for the Dodgers to make memories. Every Dodger fan is on their portable mobile cellular device texting someone their excitement. Of course, their excitement is about how well Fast & Furious is doing at the box office or how it only took them twenty minutes from downtown to the beach. The 10 was a breeze! But amongst the Angeleno texts I intercepted, there was one about how the Dodgers called up the latest Cuban raftee, Yasiel Puig. You can imagine how excited Dodger fans will be once they realize how good he is and that they’ll be able to see him even if they leave the game by the 7th inning. There will be a chance for Puig to show his tools like Siamese Twins in an adult theater. In Triple-A, he hit 8 homers, stole 13 bases and hit .313 in only 40 games. If he does that in the next 40 games for the Dodgers, he will be the number one call-up for fantasy and there will be no way the Dodgers can send him down. The big question for me is what happens when Crawford and Kemp return. I think there’s a good chance Puig hits a few homers, steals a couple of bases in the next few weeks, then gets sent right back down. Obviously, you have to take a flyer on him in all leagues to see if he sticks. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Heyward Jabuyme

May 31, 2013 | Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell | 1,330 Comments

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Rudy went into his fantasy laboratory and came up with yet another tool. This, guys and four girl readers, is the Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell Tool. It’s about as easy to use as any of the other tools combined. It’s called the Buysellatops and it looks like this. It talks instead of grunting or whatever dinosaurs did. Actually, they could’ve talked. We don’t know. Maybe The Land of the Lost was a documentary. Who’s to say? The Buysellatops has two things on its mind this week, how can we get rid of all of these pollutants and gravity so I can graze the roof? And how little can I buy Jason Heyward for? Sometimes all the planets align for a great buy, this week is one of those days. This day is one of those weeks? You know what I mean. Heyward has just about reached his nadir. Unless he has a season-ending injury tonight, there’s no way he can be worse. His BABIP is silly terrible. Right now, he’s hitting line drives into the gap and it’s hitting a pelican and falling into the outfielder’s glove. If he hits .330 from now until October, it wouldn’t surprise me. He is not a one hundred-something hitter. He has power and speed. Here’s a comparison for ya — he can be as good as Adam Jones the rest of the year. Rarely do you get a chance to buy low on such a highly ranked hitter, but here’s your chance. As Buysellatops would say, “Get Heyward, and maybe some suntan lotion from Buchholz. This sun is so much stronger than I remember it.” Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Matt Kemp’s Fortnight Off

May 31, 2013 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 403 Comments

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Cameron Frye called up Ned Colletti yesterday. He said, “Ned. This is Joc Pederson. Well, we’ve had a bit of bad luck this morning as you may have heard. Matt Kemp got injured.” Ned, “Yeah I heard, and man, I’m all broken up, boy, what a blow.” “Yeah. Yeah. Well, uh, it’s been a tough morning and we got a lot of business to take care of, so if you wouldn’t mind DL’ing Kemp, I’d appreciate it.” “Uh, yeah, sure, I’d be happy to, yeah you, uh, you, you, you just produce a corpse, and uh, I’ll DL Kemp, but I wanna see Salvador Perez’s dead grandmother first.” “Ned?” So, Matt Kemp did hit the DL, which has led to speculation that this will lead to the arrival of Pederson. Last night, the Dodgers played Ethier in center, but that’s not a long-term solution. But, instead of Puig or Pederson, the Dodgers called up…Wait for it… It’s right here… Hold on, I left it in my other pants… Got it! They called up Tony Gwynn Jr.! In other words, the Dodgers suck as badly as Matt Kemp. In other other words, you can grab Pederson in case Gwynn doesn’t pan out, but I wouldn’t hold my breath. In other other other words, the fly me to the moon record is skipping. Oh, and let’s not forget I told you six weeks ago to sell Kemp and ranked him very low in the preseason, so you were warned. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
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