Every good conga line needs a caboose, so the Miami Save Machine is bringing up the rear this week. Feel the rhythm of the beat getting stronger. No? Me either. Moving on. The Midwest is getting mauled by injuries, it’s like that time the flu virus swept through the cast of Laverne and Shirley, you know the one where the Big Ragu, sneezed on everyone and it spread all the way to Squiggy and Pop. Well I guess I am the only one that remembers that stuff. Chris Perez, and not to be outdone, Jim Henderson, both came up lame just in time for the Belmont Stakes, looks like horse meat is back on the menu. Perez’s shoulder came up gimpy after his pitching came undone over the last week. He is expected to take a week off, try to throw and then work on curling his mullet. Vinnie Pestano is the heir in Cleveland, he himself isn’t healthy, and personally I have stashed Cody Allen everywhere in preparation of the H, for hurt.
In Millie-a-walk-a the reunion, revival, return….whatever it may be, of Francisco Rodriguez is rearing its enigmatic self. He takes Henderson’s place as the conclusionary pitcher in an already replaced situation. So K-Rod is replacing the dude, who replaced a dude, but pretending to be another dude. John Axford was seen doing the truffle shuffle in front of team management to no avail to get his old job back. Hendo should be out a full 2 weeks if not a bit longer, so we will wait. So in the mean time read the rankings, do it twice because there is a hidden message embedded in it. The one who figures it out will win an autographed Mike Gallego baseball card. Oooohhhh, the excitement.
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.
1. Craig Kimbrel (-) (Jordan Walden, Cory Gearrin, Luis Avilan)
2. Mariano Rivera (-) (David Robertson, Shawn Kelley, Boone Logan)
3. Aroldis Chapman (-) (Jonathan Broxto, J.J Hoover, Sam LeCure)
4. Joe Nathan (-) (Tanner Scheppers, Robbie Ross, Jason Frasor)
5. Rafael Soriano (-) (Drew Storen, Tyler Clippard)
6. Jason Grilli (+2)(Mark Melancon, Justin Wilson, Tony Watson)
7. Jonathan Papelbon (-1) (Mike Adams, Antonio Bastardo)
8. Addison Reed (+3) (Matt Thornton, Jesse Crain)
9. Tom Wilhelmsen (-) (Carter Capps, Charlie Furbush, Yoervis Medina)
Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.
10. Sergio Romo (-) (Jeremy Affeldt, Javier Lopez, Jean Machi)
11. Edward Mujica (+2) (Trevor Rosenthal, Mitchell Bogs, Michael Blazek)
12. Jim Johnson (-5) (Darren O’Day, Brian Matusz)
13. Ernesto Frieri (+3) (Scott Downs, Robert Coello)
14. Glen Perkins (+3) (Jared Burton, Casey Fien, Brian Duensing)
15. Grant Balfour (+6) (Ryan Cook, Sean Doolittle)
16. Casey Janssen (-4) (Steve Delabar, Brett Cecil, Neil Wagner)
17. Huston Street (+1) (Luke Gregerson, Dale Thayer, Joe Thatcher)
18. Rafael Betancourt ( -4) (Rex Brothers, Matt Belisle, Wilton Lopez)
19. Fernando Rodney (-4) (Joel Peralta. Jake McGee)
20. Jose Valverde (+2) (Joaquin Benoit, Phil Coke)
21. Greg Holland (-3) (Aaron Crow, Tim Collins, Luke Hochevar)
22. Bobby Parnell (+1) (Brandon Lyon, LaTroy Hawkins)
I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Carlos Marmol– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Castro in the head with a pick-off throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.
23. Heath Bell (+4) (David Hernandez, Matt Reynolds)
24. Andrew Bailey (+6) (Junichi Tazawa, Koji Uehara)
25. Kevin Gregg (-1) (Carlos Marmol, Sean Camp, James Russell)
27. Jose Veras (+1) (Hector Ambriz, Wesley Wright)
28. Francisco Rodriguez (-2) (Jon Axford, Tom Gorzellany, Brandon Kintzler)
29. Vinnie Pestano (-9) (Cody Allen, Joe Smith)