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Ron Blomberg, the first DH known to man, stood in a parking lot, outside Parsippany, New Jersey’s Ramada Inn, sipping a coffee and eating a donut. Mr. Blomberg was there to meet new recruits for the National League DH. A starry-eyed, Paul DeJong stepped up for a badge to Ron’s seminar, and to chat with Ron.
“I’m a big fan, Mr. Blomberg.”
Ron looks Paul DeJong up and down, not thinking much of him, “Of course, you are.”
Paul tries a new tact, “When you’re DH’ing, the electricity coursing through your veins, the fans at a fever pitch, it can’t be that hard to come off the bench, right?”
“It’s easier to get come off a towel,” answered Ron, as he handed DeJong his crumbled up napkin, holding his donut crumbs, and walked into the Ramada.
As expected when I started my 2022 fantasy baseball rankings, the DH is coming to the NL. Personally, I’m pumped, like I was Ron Blomberg myself, who gets a nickel for every DH at-bat, because Ron Blomberg invented the DH. His income just doubled. Have you seen the latest Fortune magazine with Ron Blomberg on the cover with the title, “Nickelaire?” Sorry for all the old schoolers who think pitchers hitting is sacred. I think it’s a sacrilege to hitting. Tomato-tomato-pronounced-with-a-different-emphasis.
You, a thoughtful person, “But NL pitchers have been working on their bunt for 47 years!”
Me, a person who doesn’t give a flying eff, “Pull the plug!”
If Paul DeJong’s first taste of being a DH isn’t a success, there could be upwards to 550 more chances this year. Dot dot dot. If the Cardinals want to have the worst DH in the National League. All of my 2022 fantasy baseball rankings are currently accurate as far as DHs in the NL, but once guys start signing, things could change dramatically. I’d guess at least half the NL teams go out and sign someone, and the Brewers cut half of their DHs. Hey, the Brewers used to be in the AL, right? So, is that why they already have five DHs? Maybe they can give one — say, Rowdy Tellez — to the Cards. If I were the Cards, I’d be on the lookout for anyone. Yes, I’m suggesting they pass on the DeJong, while he gets the Grey poop-on. Tomorrow, I will start a multi-day forage into the newly minted NL DHs, going through each NL team and their perspective DH, as I try to find a truffle in the pig shizz. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this preseason for 2022 fantasy baseball:
Dan Straily – Signed a NRI deal with the Diamondbacks. NRI translates to “Non-Roster Invite” for real baseball and “Not Really Interested” for fantasy baseball. By the way, “Darth Grey” sent me a new video from the email [email protected]. Don’t enjoy it, because they would want you to. Subscribe to the YouTube channel.
Luis Severino – Expects to be ready for Spring Training. Him and me both! When can I expect that, uh, Spring Training thing? As I’ve been saying for months, pitchers and catchers don’t like reporting in February. They were never coming back mid-February. My guess is the MLB season will appear very dire, then they will suddenly come to a deal in the matter of 48 hours. No one wants to lose money. At most, I would expect a week of the season is missed.
Tim Beckham – Signed with the Twins. The 32-year-old is currently assigned to the minor league camp, but if the Twins can pretend convincingly enough that Jose Miranda doesn’t belong in the majors, Beckham might see some action. “And just like that…Miranda is a minor leaguer.” That’s me passing through the living room while Cougs watches TV.
Eric Thames – Signed with the A’s. If the A’s can unload Olson, Thames might become their 1st baseman. The A’s are selling off everything, and betting on a new Vegas home like they’re Celine Dion shaking hands at the Luxor Titanic museum.
Yairo Munoz – Signed with the Phils. Let the lockout end just so some NL teams can find a DH. Right now, the Phils’ DH candidates are Johan Camargo, Nick Maton, Munoz and Matt Vierling. That sounds like a Where Are They Now segment on the local news that you switch off prior to finding out.
Josh Jung – Shut down with a labral strain in his shoulder. Was he competing in the Winter Olympics? What the eff, my dude, there’s no Spring Training, how are you getting injured? I removed Jung for my top 20 3rd basemen for 2022 fantasy baseball, because it sounds bad and the Ranger’s beat writer said, “Israeli Diner Falafel will be the starting 3rd baseman now.” 3rd base was already a parched Tatooine landscape, and it just got dryer. Israeli is ranked at the top 20 shortstops for 2022 fantasy baseball.
Shed Long – Orioles signed him. Finally, a place to keep their bats and balls!
Ryan Zimmerman – Announced his retirement. He’s the last of the original Nationals’ Zimmermans, who famously weren’t Jewish when they should’ve been because of their last name. Go ahead, Ryan, name your firstborn Mackenzie to try to clarify you’re really a WASP, we know what your last name really means! Zimmermania will continue on long after the Zimmermen are gone.
Nomar Mazara – Signed with the Padres. Padres are too close to winning it all to not sign one more bat, which is not what they said right before signing Mazara, but what they’re still saying. What’s kinda funny (to me at least), the Padres were so excited about their Mazara signing in December, they didn’t tell anyone until February. Screams big-time enthusiasm. Put the Mezuzah up on the Petco locker room door, kiss that sucker five times, do six signs of David and enter! On our Hitter Projections, Mazara’s down for 238 at-bats and 9 HRs, which is just great. Seriously, Mazara was on pace to hit 9 homers in 600 at-bats last year with a 48% ground ball rate, so nine homers in less than 250 would be a major improvement. I think I’m holding off for now on drafting him.
