MY INITIAL FIVE SELECTIONS HAVING BEEN MADE, I decided to stop a moment and look around. I had come into this effort so headstrong, and so assured, that I did not consider for a moment what my opposition might be up to. I had assumed that my zigging and their zagging would leave me feeling accomplished.
Quite the contrary.
I had been correct in my assumption that The Acefecta would be unique as far as strategies go, and yet, gnawing at my mind like the ceaseless banshee shriek of nails dragged across a blackboard was one fact: I was not the only manager who found himself with three pitchers after five rounds.
Oh.
I discovered, much to my horror, that those two opponents now commanded among their ranks fireballers of similar– if not quite exacting– quality to my own, paired with batsmen clearly superior to the two who would roam my outfield of dreams (as it were). What now? I wondered to myself. How to proceed? The silent menace that man calls despair gripped me, ripped up my insides like an ambassador with a fresh parking ticket.
My choices were clear: adapt, or die. And dear reader: I still am.
I decided then and there that I would eschew enlisting the services of another rifleman for many moons– or, at least several rounds. Noting the lack of an infield, I selected Brandon Lowe in the sixth round, and was poised to call to arms Matt On The Right from Oakland, but lo, his name was called before my chance arrived.
So I looked at my list and, even with his complete lack of a fielding position, selected instead YorDONGS Alvarez of the Cheater McCheaterf*ckfaces of Some Shithole City in Texas.
The pace picked up significantly at this point. My army required a field general, and Yasmani Grandal found his way into my employ. I needed still the services of a first-sacker, given Olson’s recruitment by enemy forces, and reached out to (and, perhaps, reached a bit for) Ryan Mountcastle in the ninth round.
But, pause a second, I implore you. When selecting an army to do battle on the field, what has been the offensive weapon of choice for centuries? The cavalry. Mounted troops. And what structure is more defensible, more able to weather siege than the venerable castle?
I would not be your intrepid explorer, your diffuse companion, your throwback to early 20th century travel writing (if one were traveling to R’lyeh, at least) if I did not select the man named MOUNT CASTLE. For shame befall me and my progeny!
At this time I found myself in the tenth round, with three hurlers, two outlanders, the right side of the infield covered, a backstop selected, and the powerful if defensively useless YorDONGS. I need not tell you that I felt things were truly beginning to take shape.
In the 10th and 12th rounds I completed my initial infield configuration with Matt On The Left from Oakland, and the newest addition to the Bluebirds of the Great White North, Shortstop-soon-to-be-keystoner Marcus Semien.
Eagle-eyed perusers of this pamphlet will have noticed a glaring omission in the previous passage: What, Bob, of the 11th?
I found my eyes drawn again to the fireballer. This time, the southpaw known as Christchild Luzardo. And again in the 13th, I called forth to my ranged forces one Sixto Sanchez of the South Florida Aquatic Monsters.
I know I am bouncing about a bit, dear reader, and I apologize. But I do so to make the point that while I had intended to avoid pitchers entirely for quite some time after my Acefecta beginning, which I believed wholeheartedly to have been a foolish endeavor after just the first few rounds, sometimes the draft comes to you.
I couldn’t pass up Luzardo and Sixto where I found them.
After Sanchez, I acquired a second backstop (as two, infuriatingly, are required to field a legally-defined army under what passes for the RazzSlam Geneva Convention) in one Austin Nola of the Southern California Priests.
When my choice came in the 15th round of 42, I did it again… though, in my eternal defense, one cannot be said to have simply “taken a pitcher” when selecting the multifaceted talent that is Ohtani-san.
So, to sum up: Fifteen selections, and my team stands at six pitchers, four infielders, two outfielders, two catchers, and YorDONGS.
Do not despair, dear reader, for I assure you I will return with tales from the middle rounds of this infernal contest.
Eternally Yours,
Bob Allison Chains
