Whoa there, friend.  Don’t go there.  You really, REALLY read that title wrong.  This isn’t Brazzersball, this is Razzball so you keep your dirty thoughts to yourself…or share them in the comments!  There’s no double entendre going on here.  I’m suggesting nothing lewd when I suggest you play Hector Santiago.  Or maybe I am?  It does seem a bit crude of me to suggest someone who’s been playing above his peripherals all year.  That 2.71 ERA and that 4.51 xFIP will surely meet and become one in the future, especially when you consider his low ground ball rates and his mediocre K:BB ratio.  He’s a bit of a mirage but when you’re in the desert, I’ll take a pretend oasis over staring at the arid vastness.  We have a seven game slate tonight so stumping for upside outside of the major names can be tough.  And hell, what am I even saying?  He’s SP6 in terms of price on the day at $7,200.  That said, the Astros…well maybe you’ve heard this before but they strike out a lot.  Their lineup is basically 9 Adam Dunns of varying height and girth because they’re all three true outcome types of players.  Given that Hector gets to pitch in a relatively friendly pitchers’ park and that he’s at home, I’m willing to make him my SP2 today in cash games and possibly my SP1 in tourneys.  Mmm, that sweet, sweet Hector…ahem, I mean Nectar.  I think?  But enough about my my confusion over sweet, sugary liquids, let’s move on.  Here’s my emoji fire takes on today’s DK slate…

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Michael Pineda, SP: $9,300 – There’s three ‘studs’ on the mound today.  The main thing is, only two of them seem to be called studs and they’re named The King and The Kersh.  But why pay for that which you don’t need to?  Neither player above Pineda in price has a better matchup nor situation and Michael’s home numbers are drool-worthy this year.  Play da Pineda.

Drew Hutchison, SP: $7,900 – Nope, not a suggestion.  Not even close.  In fact, I’m suggesting you go look at his home/road splits.  Seriously, your mind will be blown.  I’ve heard of guys who like home cooking but the Hutch starts a souffle on the road, mistakenly adds kerosene, and lights his ERA and WHIP on fire.  Considering a Rays stack on a short slate for GPPs isn’t the worst idea you’ve had;  that was your ‘kerosene souffle’ you posted on instagram.  PS, that recipe needs more salt.

Tommy Milone, SP: $6,000 – Ugly, stupid, bad pick here but that’s what GPP is all about sometimes.  The White Sox have been miserable at the dish most of the year.  It’s very possible Milone breaks up the their rise to mediocrity but if I’m looking at those cheap arms for a GPP, I’m curious about using a Tommy Gun on my opponent knowing full well it’s could shoot blanks.

Hank Conger, C: $2,700 – Yeah, I know I wrote about Hector Santiago.  I didn’t say he was going 10 innings – yes TEN innings – of no hit ball.  You can take this suggestion one of three ways.  You can go narrative street where he gets to play his former team in their home, wanting to prove them wrong.  You could go with it most likely being a day of rest for lefty starter Jason Castro.  Or you could go with why I’m really suggesting it: punt play.  If you have the bones to see if Brian McCann at $4,200 can hit a HR in two straight, more power to you…pun unintended but man, that was a pretty good one!

Mark Teixeira, 1B: $4,700 – According to Teamonator, the Yanks have above and beyond the highest team run total on the day at 5.05.  Yankees stack will be fairly obvious today so make sure and sprinkle in bats from this game when and where you can.

Victor Martinez, 1B: $3,600 – Oh, if only I had listened to myself in terms of team momentum yesterday…I’m not chasing points with this play.  I’m actually just looking at Bauer’s splits and think Victor has a reasonable chance of doing damage again.  If you wanna chase that challenged team that’s motivated narrative and go all in on Tigers bats, I can’t blame you but I won’t be joining you.

Logan Forsythe, 1B/2B: $3,100 – ‘Member that part where I told you about Drew’s home/road splits?  You don’t?  Well scroll up like maybe 8 to 10 inches.  I’m not going to waste my time listing every player, but felt it would be good to list a guy who normally hits 4th or 5th for said Rays and who’s priced nicely for a 2B.  If you’re not paying up for Dozier, try and get in on some Rays action here.

David Freese, 3B: $3,900 – A bad lefty on the mound for Mr. Freese and he has a .269 ISO against them on the year.  That’s pretty chill!

Didi Gregorious, SS: $3,500 – After hitting a HR in back to back days, the Yanks decided to push Didi up the lineup ladder on Sunday to the 2 spot where he promptly did nothing…just like the rest of his teammates.  Have I mentioned a Yankees stack yet?  Oh yeah…

Yasiel Puig, OF: $4,000 – This little Puigy went to Chicago, this little Puigy got to face a lefty, and this little Puigy cried weee, weee, weee as he rounded the bases all day.  What?  I took some poetic license, ok?  Dodgers are heavily favored to win and the game has a relatively high run total, which is at odds with the Teamonator.  I’m conflicted here but at the very least, I’ll take the RHB leading off vs the LHP, TYVM.  TTYL.

Anthony Gose, OF: $3,100 – I want…nay DEMAND Mike Trout and Brett Gardner be in my lineups today so I have to pay down elsewhere and here’s the likely leadoff candidate who sat yesterday going against the same pitcher I said had some handedness problems for the Victor call.  Hopefully he’s the Gose that lays the golden egg and not the golden sombrero.

I’m Only Happy When It Rains

The weather for the CHCvsLAD game looks pretty frightening as of this am as there’s about a three hour block of 60%+ change of precipitation.  If this game is threatening a rainout or major delays, check to see if the scheduled starters are kept in or not.  I mean, if you had Kershaw on your team, would you throw him out in a rain-shortened game?  ‘Zactly.  Other than that, CLEvsDET looks like it could have some delays or rain issues throughout.  Keep that in mind if you’re considering either pitcher

Doing Lines In Vegas

Both the Teamonator and Vegas love the Yanks tonight; the run line has bumped from 7.5 to 8 and they are currently the -280 favorite.  Meanwhile, Felix is only a -160 favorite against typical punching bag Joe Blanton at home but the run total is very low at 6.5.  Pitchers’ duel between The King and The Pauper!  The high water mark run total for the day is MINvsCHW sitting at 8.5 so if you’re looking for places to backfill your Yankees stack (because duh), then this is where you should look.