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You might be saying to yourself, "Really, is this guy trying to sell me Yonder Alonso? A no-power corner on the Padres no less?" I guess. I mean, if you want, you can save your money and invest in pogs. Or, you can hear me out. I enjoy a challenge, and it looks like I have a lot of time on my hands since, apparently, I gave up sex for lent. That doesn't include my dakimakura though. I should note that kissing someone, excuse me, something, that doesn't move is quite awkward. Not to mention the whole situation can get a bit messy. But that's neither here or there. Well, it's here, but it shouldn't be there. Unless you want it to be. Then, you know, bewbs or GTFO.

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See all of today’s starting lineups

# MLB Starting Lineups For Sat 5/24
ARI | ATH | ATL | BAL | BOS | CHC | CHW | CIN | CLE | COL | DET | HOU | KC | LAA | LAD | MIA | MIL | MIN | NYM | NYY | PHI | PIT | SD | SEA | SF | STL | TB | TEX | TOR | WSH | OAK
We at Razzball realize that exporting our views across the country has damaging consequences on the blogosphere. To help make amends, we are reaching out to leading team blogs and featuring their locally blogged answers to pressing 2013 fantasy baseball questions regarding their team. We feel this approach will be fresher, more sustainable, and require less energy consumption (for us anyway). The 2013 Padres Fantasy Baseball Preview comes courtesy of JBox from Gas Lamp Ball.
The Yankees are the movie Family Plot with hot, upcoming stars Bruce Dern, William Devane, and Karen Black. Alfred Hitchcock is the master suspense and this is his greatest movie about a man obsessed with a blonde since ever! The Yankees are Tupac's last posthumously released album featuring Papoose, Lil' Scrappy and Big Syke. Hear what Tupac never wanted you to hear in a way he never meant for you to hear it ever! The Yankees are the leftover stuffing from your 2010 Thanksgiving that you ate then pooped into a Tupperware container and decided to see what it would be like in two years in your freezer. They are so done that done called and said, "Nuh-uh, don't be comparing me to them or we're done." Add Derek Jeter to the list of the Yankees MASH unit that are wearing fatigues. It's now being reported Jeter could miss a big part of April. He won't appear in a minor league game until next week and Cashman said Jeter needs to play in back-to-back games for nine innings before being activated. Jeter can't even play in a few innings per week, let alone back-to-back nine-inning games. I think the next guy to come down with an ailment is Cashman, as he tries to move to another team that is on the precipice of greatness. "Arte, I like what you did with Trout, Pujols and Hamilton, have you thought about spending $350 million on Miggy?" Anyway, here's what else I saw yesterday in spring training for fantasy baseball:
Hello, readers of this blog post. That is you. I joined eleven other fantasy baseball experts for a draft the other day. These experts came from all walks of life and all countries (mainly US and Canada) and were united on one front: the love of pretending they are more gifted in this fantasy baseball shizz than all others. It takes certain sized brass balls to anoint oneself a fantasy baseball expert. Did they attend the Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston with yours truly? Some did, others did not. I believe Scott Q. Pianowski from Yahoo was home schooled by Brandon Funston. Whatever the case, we all share a knowledge of fantasy baseball to make you marvel...until it's June and Marco Estrada has a 1.50 WHIP and has been bumped from the rotation and you want to kill one of us. That is then, young squire. No rush to judge now. Rudy broke down who was in this 'pert draft that I'm about to have my own looksie. Here's my team and some thoughts on this 12 team, mixed league for 2013 fantasy baseball:
As the Season draws closer, hell, it's basically here tomorrow, the Closer Apocalypse of 2012 is starting to be as ritualistic as a Mayan prediction. So, for those not in the know, it's basically going to happen again, and has already started. Injuries either that are lingering from last year or new ones that get covered with Snoopy boo-boo strips are popping up. It's going to happen, but don't fret. Smokey is here with a doomsday prepper's guide to handling the relief situations that are always in flux. So grab your prepper's bible and 12 lbs. of powdered eggs and let me settle you down some. Here are some guys that I am storing away for the inevitable next closer carousel situation, because staying ahead of the waiver wire is cool and gets you stickers.
We at Razzball realize that exporting our views across the country has damaging consequences on the blogosphere. To help make amends, we are reaching out to leading team blogs and featuring their locally blogged answers to pressing 2013 fantasy baseball questions regarding their team. We feel this approach will be fresher, more sustainable, and require less energy consumption (for us anyway). The 2013 Mets Fantasy Baseball Preview comes courtesy of Eno Sarris from Amazin Avenue.
Rick Porcello won the 5th starter spot in Detroit over Smyly. Or Frownly, as the case may now be. Yawn. This is most unexciting news ever. This is like reading a Yelp review for The Cheesecake Factory. They have big portions. Yay. Who even writes Yelp reviews for The Cheesecake Factory? I want some of your free time, Cheesecake Factory reviewer. I don't like Porcello and wouldn't draft him in any leagues. He has a 5-ish K/9, which is atrocious. Which II, The Return of Which Mountain, leads Porcello to need good luck on balls hit into play. Though, no matter what I say, Porcello is invariably asked about in the comments for whether or not to pick him up, so y'all ain't reading this anyway, and, since you're not reading, I was the one who made heaving noises from the movie theater balcony and dropped cream of corn soup on your head. (Spoiler Alert for Game of Thrones: Was I the only one who was reminded of Chunk from The Goonies when Tyrion was confessing to the weird breastfeeding lady? Any the hoo!) Anyway, here's what else I saw yesterday in spring training for fantasy baseball:
So let me preface this piece with my first hipster moment in history: I've been doing Razzball Writer's Leagues since last year and by that I mean we had one on the Football side of Razzball. Don't believe me, click the link! We're still writing over there. If for some reason in all this baseball you've got a little hankering for fantasy football off-season news, well we've got you covered. Alright, I'm done whoring for the morning so I'll get you back to your regularly scheduled fantasy sport you came to read. Let's me hit you with the straight facts: this league is RCL style. That means all the info about how we do this thing we do you can learn from the original sign-up page for the 2013 Razzball Commenter Leagues so I don't have to repeat it. Date of the draft: Sunday, March 24th at 9:45 Eastern Standard Time. Why is that important? Because we tried to change the date for the EST'ers of the league and got stuck having to vote. When did fantasy baseball start to require chads? Didn't we designate a Commish for a reason? Many of us fantasy baseballers suffer through this democracy in America every day but secretly yearn for the iron fist of a dictatorship and usually this is one way we get it. And before I let this go I want to announce one other thing. Referenda, ESPN? I'm not gonna lie, had to google that and it was a menu item in our league. Google told me it was 'The submission of a proposed public measure or actual statute to a direct popular vote'. Ok...or you could've just called it 'vote'. ESPN, you give me Chris Berman and his 'ZIP! WHOOP!' combo special and then throw legalese at me like I'm on trial? I'm not the father, ESPN, and I already proved that on Maury! Did you not see my sweet dance moves!?! Oh, got a little personal there. But enough about that, let's take a look at the draft results here and below I'll list all the players of the game:
So, there's this thing called conference call, and... We used it! You = mind blown. That's right all of you out in Razzball nation, Rudy and I are now on the podcast together. At one time. From different locations. Thank you, technology, now if I could only record one program while watching another one. You can. Hardy har, Random Italicized Voice, like I'm gonna fall for that one. Whatevs. We're also joined by Razzball's resident heartthrob, Tehol. He's one part man, one part warlock, one part sass, two parts frass, three parts John Cena's "You can't see me" hand gesture thing, one part... How many parts is that? Eight? That's it for Tehol. Today's podcast is all about predictions for 2013 fantasy baseball. We go over who we think is gonna be the fantasy Cy Young, MVP, Rookie of the Year and Bust. Of course, I mention Giancarlo and Josh Rutledge five times in the first 12 seconds. That's including six weird um's, so it's quite a feat. I just had a great idea! We should get Lazaro, the stuttering American Idol contestant, on the podcast to make all of us sound better. It's addition by subtraction. By the by, this is the worst season of American Idol, and I've only watched it twice before. When Mariah is the most well-spoken judge, y'all need a makeover! Finally, Jonah Keri, Grantland baseball writer, took time from writing his book on the Expos and was on the podcast. Go buy his previous book, which was a NY Times bestseller. It's about the Tampa Bay Rays. If you've bought the book previously, buy it again and give it as a gift. Mother's Day is right around the corner! Anyway, here's the Razzball Podcast (now with conference call):
We now have 62 full leagues! 51 leagues have already drafted. 447 different players have been drafted so far. Next week I'll have all the numbers in the draft recap. We're down to desperation time. I'm now trying to fill a LAST CHANCE RCL, drafting Saturday at 2 pm ET. Contact me if you are interested in getting in on that league. Or to be put on the waiting list in case any league has a late dropout.
And the Prospect Gods looked down at the Cardinals pitching staff and proclaimed, "And so it Shelby..." But the Gods decided to keep Oscar Taveras for themselves -- at least for a little while. Bunch of Federalist-loving pigs. So, the Cardinals make up for starting Jon Jay over Oscar Taveras by giving prospect, Shelby Miller, the 5th starter role over non-descript-in-every-way, Joe Kelly. When I say, boo, you say ya. Boo...ya! Boo...ya! Cherimo...ya! Ah, fooled you. In November, I wrote a Shelby Miller 2013 fantasy. There I said, "The final answer on (whether he makes the rotation) will probably be decided on the last few days of Spring Training. In 2012, he was called up towards the end of the season and gave a 10.54 K-rate and a 1.32 ERA in 13 2/3 innings. If you look up that stat line in the thesaurus, its synonym is “lights out.” Due to a butterfly flapping its wings in Indonesia, Miller also had a 10.54 K-rate in Triple-A through 136 2/3 IP. His ERA wasn’t as purdy, but he “re-committed” himself in the 2nd half of 2012 and had a 2.88 ERA in his last ten starts with a 70/7 K/BB. Weird, cause I had an aunt who was “re-committed” and things didn’t turn out half as well. He can be a number one pitcher. When I say that about a 22-year-old, we’re talking about someone having the possibility at a top ten pitcher in all of baseball. Knowing the way Cardinals turn out young men… Um, I mean, knowing the way the St. Louis Cardinals can turn prospects into solid major league pitchers (the Vatican asked me to specify), I wouldn’t be surprised to see Shelby Miller being a productive member of the Cards rotation in 2013. For 2013, I see 10-4/3.63/1.27/155 in 150 innings and 21 starts. That’s a huge projection for a rookie pitcher. And there’s a chance for more." And that's me quoting me! I'm in love. He should be owned in all leagues. Yes, even your eight-person league where you own all eight teams. Anyway, here's what else I saw yesterday in Spring Training for 2013 fantasy baseball:
If you missed it, we went over Overvalued players in last week's Deep Impact post. This week, we’ll be going over guys I think are either going too low in drafts, or have some sort of stigma that's keeping their cost low – undervalued in their current state. Remember, it doesn't mean they are the elite bombz. Like I said last week, the most important aspect in advanced leagues is value. That’s what our goal is here. And depending where you are in your league, these summaries can either help you find some sleepers in an inaugural draft, or, if you are already some x amount of years in, you can look to these guys as good trade targets. Now, without further ado…