This is the part of this story that is supposed to grab the reader. I don’t believe in all the handy hullabaloo. I will be too worried about doing it in a fashion that is in the form of an inverted W and having other people critique it and say I am an injury risk going forward. That stuff just isn’t for me. So we are at the quarter post of the season already, fast right? So this week we have a good gaggle of guys that will bring your fantasy baseball roster some prosperity. Personally, I am tempering expectations and want to be whelmed not under/overwhelmed. Because I don’t think I can handle all the burden of being over/under-anything. Seems like a much ado about nothing to me. Holy tangent, sorry. Well, enjoy the week to come and happy rostering. Catch you all on the flip, and by flip, I mean next Saturday. (Please keep in mind that pitchers and matchups change.)
ONE START OPTIONS:
5/22
J.A.Happ vs CHC – Wood
Felix Doubront @ Bal – Matusz
5/23
Andy Pettitte @ KC – Mendoza
5/24
Randall Delgad0 @ Cin – Bailey
Joe Blanton @ STL – Westbrook
5/25
Anthony Bass @ NYM vs Gee
5/26
Wei-Yin Chen vs KC- Mazzaro
Paul Maholm vs Pit – Correia
TWO START OPTIONS:
Rick Porcello (@Cle vs Jiminez, @Min vs Blackburn) Why is that all the Jersey guys get bums raps? Oh, I remember now, because all we see is guys on reality show acting a fool and all their professions all seem to be “party hosts.”
Clayton Richard (@STL vs Garcia, @NYM vs Santana) It is Hodgepadre on opposite day.
Patrick Corbin (LAD vs Capuano, Mil vs Wolf) Please keep this spot in the rotation warm. It will be greatly appreciated. Thanks. Signed Skaggs and Bauer.
Tommy Hunter (Bos vs Buchholz, KC vs Paulino) He takes the prize or cake or whatever free stuff they offer with expressions these days for being the guy least owned. This week’s “Click and Pray” pick o’ the week.
Mike Leake (@Atl vs Minor, Col vs Guthrie) Last start was better, not great but a step in the right direction. Just don’t stand downwind of him when he pitches. On a positive note, it can’t really get much worse…Can it?
Jerome Williams (@Oak vs Milone, @Sea vs Hernandez) On the road, throwing pitches, from mound-on tops. Yeah, you will now never look at Jerome ever again and not pronounce it Jer-O-Me. So you’re welcome for that, secret handshake comes later.
Kyle Drabek (TB vs Hellickson, @Tex vs Darvish) You know you have been playing fantasy too long when you call him Doug every time you see him. Funny, I call E5, Porkchop and he stares at me with disgust.
Kyle Kendrick (Was vs Gonzalez, @STL vs Garcia) I will have a banner at the game. It will say ‘Go Kyle Kendrick’ and then will add the letter K for every strikeout he gets during the game to the end of his name. Hoping it’s not 2, because all of sudden 3 K’s isn’t a crowd, it became an affiliation.
Felipe Paulino (NYY vs Kuroda, @Bal vs Hunter) We come for the K’s and hope you don’t take a Mike Leake on our peripherals. A win would be nice too, but I will take the 12 plus K’s this week and worry about that ERA thingy elsewhere.
R.A. Dickey (@Pit vs McDonald, SD vs Volquez) Rahhhhh, or that’s what I am calling him from now on. It’s more fun that just saying R and A. No word back yet from Busta Rhymes’s agent about a cross promotional thing.
Erik Bedard (NYM vs Santana, CHC vs Garza) He is due for a DL stint, I mean he has to eventually. I will now go to church and count some rosaries for me wishing injury on someone.
Todd Frazier went deep twice yesterday. When asked the other day if Frazier would play, Dusty Baker said, “It could be (Miguel) Cairo. I’ve got an idea what guys’ strengths and weaknesses are… We’ll see. It’s up to Frazier. Okay, who switched out my mint toothpicks with splinters! You know my T-picks kill the skunk breath!” Todd Frazier is a damn fine specimen of underachieving-could-easily-be-achieving-if-he-starts-hitting prospect hitting nom-nom. In the minors last year, he had 15 homers and 17 steals, year before 17/14, year before he helped pen Richard Marx’s foray into romance novels, “Hold Onto The Knights.” What can’t he do!? Not sure if that’s rhetorical, but I’ll answer. I’m not sure he can hit for an average over .240 in the long run. There’s a chance Rolen gets Wally Pipp’d even if he returns healthy and that ‘if’ is the size of Hasselhoff’s ego. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Aroldis Chapman – 1 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks. ERA is at 0.00, WHIP is at 0.57. Dusty Baker said yesterday that the plan is for Aroldis to start someday. That reminds me of a sentence I read recently in Scientific American, “Because of natural evolution patterns, it’s conceivable that pigs will fly someday.”
Vance Worley – Placed on the DL. Went from a match-ups pitcher who could get lit to having an inflamed elbow. Call the fire department!
Clay Buchholz – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks to lower his ERA to 7.77. He looked fine yesterday, but, no kidding, I can’t believe he’s still in the rotation. Like for real, or “Pho Real” if we’re going by the name of my Vietnamese restaurant that I’m minority owner of. Last time I write up a bucket list drunk.
Daisuke Matsuzaka – Bobby Valentine said he’s not close to returning. Red Sox fans exhaled.
Chase Utley – Yesterday, he took grounders. Phillie fans inhaled.
Hiroki Kuroda – 5 IP, 7 ER. Yankee fans burped.
Ivan Nova – Set for a bullpen session tomorrow. Pop the champagne. Super, Nova.
Fernando Rodney – Notched his 12th save and lowered his ERA to 0.48. I’m guessing the Devil wouldn’t make any deals with him while he was on the Angels.
Carlos Ruiz – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI and his 7th homer. Hannah, so far and away the Phils best hitter so far, Hannah. <–Almost palindrome!
Freddy Galvis – 2-for-4, with a run and an RBI. He’s hitting near .400 over the last week and… nothing. It’s good to see him hitting, but he could steal some bases (23 steals last year in the minors). Somebody put Hot Stuff on his feet.
Alfonso Soriano – Before I even say it, I regret it. I So-rue-iano. Yet, he did hit his 2nd homer in as many games yesterday.
Clayton Richard – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. Hodgepadre!
Chase Headley – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Truly a breakout year, which correlates to around 16 homers and a .265 average. The mouth on the left side of the screen says, “Yawn.” The mouth on the right side of the screen says, “stipating.”
Jose Valverde – Tigers are saying Valverde should be back by this weekend. If you own Valverde, I’m not sure if that’s good news. The Tigers are saying Benoit could see saves, but it might also go based on match-ups. Benoit made me think of the WWF, which made me think of Words With Friends. I’m surprised the World Wildlife Federation hasn’t made them change the name to Words With Pals or Words With Entertainment.
Austin Jackson – Left yesterday’s game with an abdominal strain. He might get a precautionary MRI, and we know how well those turn out!
Carlos Quentin – Rehab assignment was shutdown as he needed a cortisone shot. 2008 called and said Carlos Quentin’s stats are being erased; they’re all lies.
Jason Bay – He’s about two weeks away from returning. Yay. Put the ‘Get Well Soon’ balloons on order.
Alex Presley – Has left the building. He had the full-time job, but he Mr. Bungled it and is off to the minors. Mr. Bungled it so bad the Pirates are turning to McLousy or Yamaico Navarro. Navarro got the start yesterday and went 0-for-2, and was lifted for a pinch hitter. In the minors, Navarro showed light power (10-ish homers) and light steals (12-ish). He does have 3rd base eligibility in Yahoo and ESPN, but outside of leagues that only play Pirate players, I’d hold for now. And in those leagues, who’s your 2nd draft pick? Jose Tabata? Do you reach for Hanrahan?
Brett Lawrie – Suspended only 4 games, but plans to appeal. I’d love to hear the preliminary appeal discussion with his attorney. Attorney talking to Lawrie, “We can either go with your frustration was stemming from the egregious strike calls made by Bill Miller. Or we can go with a skinny guy in the front row was casting a shadow that made it look like there was a hat rack on the ground.” Lawrie, “I think I can put a hashtag on that second reason.” “Done and done!”
Colby Rasmus – 0-for-4 with 4 high fives to Bautista, Arencibia, Johnson and Encarnacion, who all homered. I think Rasmus also worked in a fist pump to Thames, who doubled.
Kyle Drabek – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Yankees. This is coming off a 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER effort vs. the Twins and 5 IP, 5 ER against the Angels, who just fired their hitting coach. Kyle Drabek: I Make Smart Money Look Stupid.
Wilson Betemit – 2-for-7 with his 6th homer. Is Betemit available to teach Ryan Zimmerman how to hit? Cause that would be helpful.
Omar Infante – 3-for-5 with two steals as he bats .336. Omar’s coming yo!
Mike Minor – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER. Not sure if I’ve verbalized it, um, writing, but this Minor shizz has got to be off your team until further notice. You know how they have obits written ahead of time for celebrities? Atlanta reporters have the tweet “Mike Minors” ready to go.
Dustin Ackley – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Hey, his bats finally got back from Japan!
Michael Saunders – 2-for-3 with his 5th steal, which he dedicated to his dad, the Colonel.
Melky Cabrera – Scratched with a sore left toe. He’s day-to-day, or at least that’s what the aliens told me who read his mind despite his best efforts to stop them.
Corey Hart – 1-for-3 with his 8th homer. Surprised to see him in some comments as a guy people can pick up. I’m assuming these leagues are shallow, but, as they said in 14th century China, assuming makes an ass outta of you and Ming. To answer, yeah, he should be owned, especially now because he usually goes on tears.
Brian Dozier – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer in four games, while hitting .286. Okay, I’m talking him up solely because I dropped Cozart for Dozier. Hopefully, things stay rozier.
Trevor Plouffe – 1-for-5 with his 2nd homer. The Eskimos have a name for the sound of crap hitting the toilet water, it’s Plouffe.
Justin Morneau – He was activated from the DL and went 1-for-5. It’s like he never left!
Ryan Doumit – To the DL for three weeks with a strained calf. What an odd thing to find in a colander.
Josh Willingham – 3-for-5, 2 runs and 1 RBI as the Twins scored 11 runs. My fact checking monkey tells me the Twins didn’t carry over this whole year’s worth of runs.
Felix Hernandez – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER vs. the Indians. F-Her, you should be embarrassed. Luckily, I didn’t use the thesaurus for synonyms for embarrassed. The Native American Anti-Defamation League has enough to deal with.
Bud Norris – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks. I think he might be the unofficial winner of the most comments on whether or not people should pick him up. Yeah, this Bud’s for you.
Carlos Lee – 3-for-4 with his 3rd homer, now hitting near .400 over the last week. Ugh, first Alfonso Soriano, now Carlos Lee. Kick me in the ass and call me Murray Chass.
Andy Dirks – 3-for-4, 2 runs and 1 RBI. Hitting .370 out of the 2 hole. Plouffe!
Eric Hosmer – 0-for-7. Maybe he can work the count into something favorable then they can put in Mitch Maier.
Felipe Paulino – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks. He’s kinda put together three solid starts (his 2nd one vs. the White Sox was a bit of bad luck). His K-rate has always been solid, but his walk rate losses sight of the strike zone sometimes. So far, he’s been in control. The 1-something ERA won’t stay there, but he could be what you thought you were getting from Filthy Sanchez this year (not what you actually got).
Krispie Young – Hit a grand slam in his rehab game. It was shirts vs. I sold my shirt for blow. *checking notes* Nope, different type of rehab.
Albert Pujols – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer to tie Gordon Beckham for 217th best in baseball!
Adam LaRoche – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer. LaRoche has 29 RBIs and is hitting .339. Yesterday, Hosmer pooped twice.
Wilson Ramos – Going for ACL surgery in 2-3 weeks and won’t be back this year. Bernie Williams, “I’d love to play my guitar at the opening of the ACL!”
Ian Desmond – 1-for-4 with his 5th homer. He’s hitting around .330 over the last week with 2 steals. Shine on you crazy Desmond!
Henry Rodriguez – Got the save yesterday even after Desmond E’d a guy onto base. HanK-Rod still mowed them down, showing no signs of his recent failings. I realized something watching him. He’s Charlie Sheen in Major League (or real life). His stuff is insane, and he can’t control it.
Michael Morse – Made throws yesterday for the first time in several weeks. He said, “I haven’t been throwing, so it was kind of like a monkey riding a bike.” That sounds awesome! I wanna see him throwing through flaming hula hoops while balancing on a seal’s nose! Please!
Heath Bell is giving out two run innings like he’s Daryl Hannah giving out crazy vibes. Yesterday, was the fourth time in 8 appearances this year he’s allowed 2 runs. His WHIP (2.70) looks like an ERA, his ERA looks a perfect score from a corrupt figure skater judge (10.80) and the Red Sox are wondering if he can be their closer. At some point, Bell should be replaced as closer, and, with the way he’s been pitching, that point was about three weeks ago. Astute Razzball reader, “Is Cishek or Mujica the replacement?” I thought you were the astute one. Mujica looks to be the set-up man, but I think Cishek gets first crack. It’s called a hunch, like how Guy Fieri eats a sandwich. As of right now, I wouldn’t drop Bell, but I also wouldn’t put him in my active roster. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Juan Carlos Oviedo – MLB suspended Juan Carlos Ovideo (Leo Nunez) for eight weeks for using a fake identity. No plan to suspend Heath Bell for impersonating Kevin Gregg. In his time off, Leo the Lyin’ plans on snorkeling through Atlantis, talking to his giant rabbit Harvey and hunting Sasquatch.
Yu Darvish – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks. Looking like a true sterling Darvish.
Evan Longoria – Left yesterday’s game with a knee injury after trying to steal 2nd. The Rays are calling it “knee soreness.” I’m calling it “it better be just soreness.”
Miguel Olivo – Homered, but whatever he also left yesterday’s game because his groin got injury duty, leaving the M’s summonsing Montero (who also homered)! Olivo’s headed to the 15-day DL, so guess who will get 10 games played at catcher just a tad quicker now? Hey, I’m smiling. That feels weird.
Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-3 with his 8th homer and 4th game in a row with one. His hot hitting has my heart stopped…. captured…. arrested… It’s a case of Edwin Incarceration.
Allen Craig – Look at Allen Craig strutting around with two first names while R. Kelly’s only got an initial. Craig is set to return from the DL. Probably won’t play 2nd base, but whatever, that’s real baseball talk. He’s eligible there in most fantasy leagues. He could get teen homers and a handful of steals with everyday playing time, which he should have.
Kyle Drabek – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, as he lowers his ERA to 2.40 while striking out nearly a batter per inning. I’ve told just about anyone who’s asked in the comments that they should pick up Drabek, friend.
Brad Lidge – He’s gonna miss May with hernia surgery. So he went from Vertigo to Nads on a Strain.
Tom Milone – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER in Fenway. Eh, even in our deep leagues we benched Milone here. Don’t hate the playa (not Spanish for beach), hate the game.
Kevin Youkilis – Was scratched with a sore back. Weird, that usually happens to me with an itchy back.
David Ortiz – 2-for-3 with his 5th and 6th homers as he bats .405 with 20 RBIs. Of course I should’ve just drafted Ortiz in the 2nd round instead of Giancarlo Stanton. I will now lock myself in my cry closet.
Jason Hammel – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. His ERA is now at 1.97. Good thing Matusz was the Orioles starter to watch coming out of Spring Training. Sideways emoticon with an elbow nudge.
Ryan Braun – 3 homers in Petco with the 2nd one being airmailed, but it still counted.
David Robertson – 1 IP, 3 Ks. K-Rob’s ERA is 0.00 and WHIP is 0.91, having allowed 7 baserunners in 11 IP to go with his 18 Ks. He’s owned in 12% of ESPN leagues and he’s headed for a better year than probably at least two of the starters on your fantasy team.
Patrick Corbin – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks. Isn’t this Patrick Corbin guy the one Carrie bides her time with while she waits for Mr. Big to come to his senses? She looks like a horse; horses are hot; what else do you need, Mr. Big? Any the hoo! In mixed leagues, wake me when Trevor Bauer’s called up. Or even Tyler Skaggs. Or Boz Scaggs.
Justin Upton – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer and the Desmond Jennings Special, a slam & legs. Call a fireplace cause Upton looks like he’s starting to swing some hot lumber! Can someone give me an AM radio-style bassoon, triangle, horn?
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-3 with a steal as he bats .193 and hit cleanup. Pretty appropriate since he’s been dirtying fantasy lineups all year.
Justin Morneau – Left yesterday’s game with a sore wrist. This Justin, Morneau’s an injury waiting to happen.
Bryan LaHair – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. For those who are like, “LaWhere did this come from?” He hit 38 homers last year in the PCL. Granted the PCL fills their baseballs with helium, but he’s still got power to spare.
Tony Campana – 0-for-4 with a run and a steal. When he’s in the dugout, the Cubs hang him from a coat hanger and his legs continue to run.
Matt Kemp – Hit his 12th homer yesterday. The Padres collectively have 11, Cubs have 8 and Infante has 5.
Juan Nicasio – 6 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks. That looks about right for the line you can expect from Nicasio. Maybe a touch more K and a tad less LOB.
Vance Worley – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks as he was done wrong by his bullpen that gave up his win. He’s probably suffering from Münchausen Syndrome because of the rest of the starters in the majors.
Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-4 with his 5th homer. Fine, I picked him up. I had a gaping hole left by Zimmerman, so, with a heavy heart, I went back to the Pedro Alvarez well. The worst thing that could’ve happened was I ended up ignoring Alvarez this year because of how burnt I got last year. The 2nd worst thing that could happen is I get burnt again this year. Yay.
James McDonald – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks. There’s the old (once-hyped) McDonald. Has now strung together back-to-back solid starts with excellent Ks. I don’t think he’s going to be without his hiccups.
Mike Minor – 6 1/3 IP, 7 ER, 11 baserunners, 9 Ks. Speaking of hiccups, looking at Minor’s start would cure his owners of them. I’m guessing with 11 baserunners, seven earned and 9 Ks through 6 and a third, he was pretty unlucky. Too bad I don’t play in any FIPpin’ leagues that care about luck.
Delmon Young – Suspended for 7 days after an incident where he was allegedly yelling anti-Semitic remarks. Delmon said he was just playing Words With Friends.
The Yankees got bested by the team that gave Adam Jones away in a chump trade. I mean, yikes with a side of damn. I could even see adding seven a’s into that damn for good measure. Michael Pineda is done for the year with a torn labrum, which only sounds like an injury that a female gymnast would get. Mariners threw him for 340 innings in 2011 and then traded him to the Yankees for their best prospect. Hey, Yankees, say hello to your mother for me! Pineda sounds like he’s done for the year. This is good for teams that drafted him, but had an “Only one Pineda per team” clause. For all other teams that drafted him this isn’t good news. Drop him like a hot Pineda. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ryan Zimmerman – He’s gonna try to hit on Thursday. I kinda hope it goes badly, and I own him. Here’s the scenario I see happening if it goes well: He returns on Friday, reinjures himself and then really needs 15 days from Saturday. At least if his hitting session goes poorly, the Nats can backdate his DL stint. Yes, I’m hopeful for a DL stint. Yes, I’m Googling his address so I can have a “word” with him.
Jim Johnson – Headed for more tests as the doctors try to figure out what’s wrong with him. “His peripherals look terrible, but he has so many saves. Hey, why are we looking at box scores on an X-ray light box?” That was the doctors after the first round of tests. Pedro Strop is the pick up for the time being. Hopefully, Strop isn’t short for closetastrophe.
Shin-Soo Choo – Sat on the bench last night as Shin-Soo Healthy, Hamstring-Soo Not.
Ike Davis – Dropped to 7th in the order, which is terrible for his value. This was only surprising to me because, no matter how bad Davis has been, for the life of me I couldn’t think of six hitters better than Davis in the Mets lineup. Hairston? Tejada? Really, Seth Myers?
Lorenzo Cain – Had a setback with his groin. Pain…Sugar! Sounds like he’s not coming back for at least another week.
Sergio Santos – Out for at least 4 weeks. Could easily lose Santos until July. That’s just me being real with you. See, the truth is, everyone wants to know how many saves Cordero is gonna get or what closers I’m still cool with. Cordero could get more saves than Santos this year. If Cordero’s unowned in your league, then your league’s abandoned. Makes me wonder why you’re reading this, but love your dedication.
Carl Crawford – Headed to Dr. Freeze with a sore elbow. Looks like Crawford found a new joint to stink up. Anyone know if Carl has to be with me if I go to City Hall and have his last name changed to Crawful? No word on how long he’s going to be out, but I’m sure Dr. Freeze will find something to sideline him at least two months. We shall see. Or not. Your choice.
Pedro Alvarez – 3-for-8, 2 RBIs, 2 runs as he hit two homers and a double in the doubleheader. I told you 18 months ago that he was gonna break out! Excuse me if I’m just too cutting edge for you.
Aubrey Huff – To the DL with an anxiety disorder. At least someone is feeling guilty about taking Brandon Belt’s playing time. Aubrey just needs some good male bonding time with his old college teammate, Pat Burrell. “Anxiety’s just another name for you need to get laid more.” That’s Pat Burrell’s motto.
Juan Nicasio – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks as he battled James McDonald, who threw seven innings of 1 hit ball with 8 Ks and 3 walks. Even though this game and their seasons so far tell the opposite story, I like Nicasio better than McDonald. As a commenter said the other day, maybe it’s because Juan’s last name makes me think of my grade school watch calculator. In the end, I wouldn’t say either are necessarily must-starts in shallower mixed leagues.
Jhoulys Chacin – 5 IP, 5 ER vs. the Pirates. Still holding him after I told you to drop him the first week of the season? How’s that working out for you?
Corey Hart – 2-for-3 with his sixth homer. SIX HOMERS, WHO KNEW? Well, Al Caps, Corey Hart owners maybe. His family– I WAS BEING RHETORICAL.
Carlos Gomez – 2-for-5, batting .371. I’d say he’s a hot schmotato, but the Brewers aren’t playing him anywhere close to every day.
Jose Altuve – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI. Rudy’s poster child is having a nice breakout as he bats .377 on the year. Oh, and I was using the alternate definition of “poster child.” Rudy literally dresses his child in Altuve posters. Rudy also talked about him in this week’s podcast (you know, the one where Corbin Bernsen was a guest).
David Freese – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. You know how someone punts 3rd base in your league and gets lucky with one of their flyers? Whoever drafted Freese looks like that guy this year.
Lance Lynn – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. Now has an ERA of 1.33. Yeah, I told you to pick him up before the season even started, but I don’t need another notch in my belt; I’m skinny.
Bryan LaHair – 1-for-4 with a solo homer. Did you know I have French ancestry and my family name was once LaBright? Totally not a true story. I own LaHair (above my LaLip) in an NL-Only league and he’s fighting it out with my cougar for my love. The LaHairness is racing for mixed league value, and I’d want to be the one to own him.
Trevor Cahill – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER which comes after a 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER effort. Can’t wait for his next 5 IP, 4 ER start. I keed with your fantasy feelings. In most leagues, I’d try to hold onto Cahill; I think he’ll be better and he only has a 3.70 ERA; it’s not like he’s Scherzer’ing all over your team.
Jarrod Parker – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. How was that debut? How about sparkerling? Yes, I’d pick him up. Yes, in your league too. I just went over my Jarrod Parker fantasy the other day. I wrote it while sitting on top of a crescent moon with an umbrella drink.
Alex Liddi – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer in as many games. Being the one major leaguer that was born in Italy has its drawbacks for Liddi, after a base hit in the sixth, he peered across the diamond to his third base coach giving signs and thought he was flipping him off.
Jason Hammel – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. Has close to a K/IP, a 1.00 WHIP and a 1.73 ERA. I’m officially on board, but there’s one problem. Or caveat if you’re Latin. His next start is in the House They Built Across The Street From The House Ruth Built. I want no part of that start. So if your league is a bunch of vultures, grab Hammel now and bench him. If you think you can get Hammel even if he pitches well at New York, then let him sit on waivers for a week.
Kyle Drabek – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. I’ve said to pick him up for, like, three straight weeks. I’m moving on now. You do what you do, I’ll do what I do and we’ll let our probation officers figure out the rest.
Chris Sale – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. I like Parker this much, but I like Sale this much. I was holding my arms further apart for Sale.
Hector Santiago – 1/3 IP, 3 ER, giving up a homer to the Cuban raftee, Yoenis. What the H. Santiago? About two weeks ago, I said Santiago wouldn’t make it out of April with the closer job. Well, his ERA is 8.53 and literally everyone in their bullpen is better. I mean, no shizz here, everyone. I think Reed will end up getting saves at some point, but Thornton’s been solid and he has that ever elusive closer experience gene that MIT is currently trying to grow in a Petri dish for the Red Sox. If I had to guess, and that’s what I’m doing at this point, I’d pick up Thornton first. If he’s gone, I’d speculate on Reed. If Reed’s gone, make me a Denver omelet. Oh, well. I tried.
Omar Infante – 2-for-4 with his 5th home run. Infante has as many homers as Stanton has RBIs. FMFBBL!
Billy Butler – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and 2 homers. This was the first time he heard “what a pair” and didn’t blush.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks. Ubaldo won the award yesterday for the most fantasy owners looking to drop him. I think it might be the right move too. I’m tilting in that direction. I would put him on my bench in most leagues and see what he does next time out.
Angel Pagan – 1-for-5 with a home run. He has 17 hits in 17 games played. Mr. Obvious, “He’s averaging one hit every game.” He also has two homers in the last 5 games. I’m not saying he’s a hot schmotato yet, but he’s on the brink of it. Right now, he’s been in the microwave for eight minutes and he’s still a bit too solid when you stick a fork in him.
Brennan Boesch – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in 3 games. Pick him up immediately! Seriously, don’t make me explain it to you. If he was dropped, grab him. Now.
C.J. Wilson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks. I think I got some funny looks by ranking Wilson as high as I did in the preseason, but I’d take him over Haren at this point. Yeah, I said it.
Vernon Wells – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer as he bats .239. If he hits two more homers by next week and raises his average to .260 (which would only really take, like, two 3-for-4 games), I’m gonna mention how I told you to draft him in the preseason. If he doesn’t do one of those two things, we’ll once again go back to never mentioning that I ever suggested you draft him. Hey, at least I’m honest with you about my hedging. Bee tee dubya, he has 4 more homers than Stanton. I’m crying right now, please look away. Hey, my tears are wiping Stanton’s name off my Trapper Keeper. What does that mean? I wish I had a pint of ice cream and… Why isn’t Lifetime playing Bride Wars!?
Another week in the books, my fellow pretend baseball heads. The chase for wins continues this week with a stellar group of entries comprised of 9 guys whose combined career starts don’t even equal the other person’s. I can’t even remember what I was doing in 1986 when Jamie Moyer started his first game. Oh… I remember now it was called being a kid and getting dirty and stealing cars. Stuff we all did and never got caught for, boys being boys type stuff. It is kind of weird to imagine the same player being in the fantasy pool from my year one start into fantasy in 1989, til this year. Crazy stuff. He needs to get out of that pool ‘cuz he is going to be all wrinkly. Even if you hate the Rockies, you have to root for Jamie a little, just don’t do it too loud; he frightens easily. So enjoy the week to come and happy fantasy scavenging. (Pitchers and matchups change so please be aware.)
One Start Streamers :
4/25
Kyle Drabek @Bal – Hammel
Luke Hochevar @Cle – Tomlin
Barry Zito @Cin – Arroyo
4/26
Philip Humber vs Bos – Doubront
Rick Porcello vs Sea – Noesi
4/27
Danny Duffy @MIN – Pavano
Jake Westbrook @Mil – TBD
4/28
Randall Delgado vs Pit – Bedard
Two Star Options:
Jamie Moyer (@Pit vs McDonald, NYM vs Dickey) – Moyer will be in Pittsburgh and Denver this week throwing a baseball unfast. I hope he doesn’t wear out his feet peddling his car to the games, he needs his strength.
Lucas Harrell (@Mil vs Greinke, @Cin vs Latos) – I personally think it’s great that the ‘Stros are giving the kid from ET a chance. No word on if they gave his bike with a basket a job in the transportation department.
Bartolo Colon (CHW vs Peavy, @Bal vs Hunter) – 15 straight scoreless innings, and he threw 38 consecutive strikes in his start on Wednesday. That to me is crazy. I can’t do anything 38 times in a row with out the help of visual aides. This is the only piece of actual stat in this article, so you’re welcome.
Henderson Alvarez (@Bal vs Hunter, Sea vs Vargas) – Remember 2 weeks ago when I said it would be his only appearance on this weekly format. Well, the gist of it is I lied, because people still don’t have this guy rostered enough so your stuck listening about him.
Chris Capuano (ATL vs Jurrjens, WAS vs Zimmermann) – Oooh, 2 starts at home, I still think I would take Paul Lynde to block. We come for the K’s and stay for the apuano. Oh wait, damn you phonetics. Somewhere in heaven, Charles Nelson Reilly is jealous of Paul Lynde being mentioned.
Bruce Chen (Tor vs Morrow, @Min vs Liriano) – To me Bruce Chen is like the guy who still buys Zima at the liquor store. You see it as being available in the store, but wonder who ever buys it. Now you know, but you really shouldn’t.
Jason Marquis (Bos vs Lester, KC vs Sanchez) – I ran into Marquis at the Wawa ordering a quesadilla after his start against the Yankees and asked about his 2 start week. He said, “You know me as the b-i-z-m-a-r-q-u-i-s, I go for what I know doin’ a show for human beings, I’m guaranteed to roc,k I make the ladies scream and shout.” “Nobody beats the bizzzz.” Floored, he autographed my 6″ sub in oil and vinegar.
R.A. Dickey (Mia vs Buerhle, @COL vs Moyer) – A knuckleballing New York guy named Dickey, I thought Rudy did away with all that type of riff-raff. If he can keep the ball in the park he will be successful. That dynamite piece of advice brought to you by obviousness and wig-wam socks.
Clayton Richard (Was vs Zimmermann, @SF vs Cain) – My first rule of fantasy streaming is don’t trust a guy with 2 first names. Second rule is always check for an Adam’s apples. Cuz, you never can tell with the advancements in modern medicine. Wait, are we still talking about streaming pitchers?
Jason Vargas (@Det vs Scherzer, @Tor vs Alvarez) – The Hawk and Animal special of the week. This guy is pitching better than I think anyone is giving him credit for. Yeah, he’s a Marginer and is away from home this week, but I say fiddle faddle. Trends come and go, that’s why I am still hanging onto my Jordache jeans.
