Here’s what I said this offseason, “Before watching the video on Lucas Giolito, I looked at his vitals. This is something I don’t usually do. Doesn’t really matter to me if a guy is six-foot-one or five-ten. But, dizzamn, Giolito is a strapping young man, huh? He’s listed at six-six and 230. He’s only 21 years old, but I think he’s done growing. Hopefully, cause his mom tells CBS Sports that his “feet already hang off the bed.” With a six-six frame, as you can imagine, he throws fast. (Christall Young is the exception that proves the rule, an idiom that never made any sense to me. If it’s an exception, how does it prove anything? It proves that there’s exceptions, but that’s about it, right? I’m gonna move on before my brain hurts in my thought-nodes.) Giolito hits 97 MPH on his fastball, which is actually up a tick from the previous year. If he keeps steadily increasing his fastball every year, by the time he’s 40 years old, he’s going to be throwing 117 MPH. He throws from nearly right over the top, so the ball fires downhill and hitters have about no chance of hitting it. A 9+ K/9 seems to be a given once he gets settled in the majors. With speed comes no control, to sound like a drunk Yoda. Or does it?! Snap, reversed on that. No, Giolito has control too. 97 MPH with command? I’ll say it for you, hummna-hummna. Oh, and his strikeout pitch is his hard breaking curve. In 20 years, Al Pacino could be playing the role of a Hall of Fame pitcher in the film, Giolito’s Way. Assuming Pacino has eighteen-inch stilettos. He could be special, and TMZ spotted Pacino shopping for eighteen-inch stilettos, so that could be a good sign.” And that’s me quoting me! He should be added in all leagues, like yesterday. To put just the tiniest bit of dampers in these happiness diapers, Kershaw had a 4.26 ERA his rookie year in 107 2/3 IP. Rookies give roofies and take your kidneys. Hashtag truth. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Matt Shoemaker, $9,900, AKA The Cobbler, came out of no where and put up some Ace like numbers in the second half of 2014. He went 9-2, striking out 62 batters in 72 innings, all while posting a nice and tidy 1.87 ERA. I was one of the lucky ones that scooped him up and I road that train all the way to multiple Title Towns. In 2015 he was one Grey’s preseason favorites and then he did his best Francisco Liriano impression, but seemingly nose dived 5 times harder. It was tough to watch as he still held a special place in my heart, just like Kris Medlen of 2012, Kendrys Morales and Dallas Keuchel circa 2015. Unfortunately, the long ball absolutely crippled The Cobbler last year, as he coughed up 24 HR’s in just 134 innings of work. In May of 2015, I said my farewells to The Cobbler and bid him adieu. This year started out no different than 2015, as he had a terrible April posting a 9.15 ERA while giving up 6 HR in just 20 innings. With those type of numbers I figured he was going to get sent down to the minors, but the Angels pitching staff was so bad that they actually needed someone to eat up innings. Then halfway through May something magical happened. I can’t explain it as there haven’t been any injury reports, but I do have a theory. Late one May night, amid the thick Anaheim fog, the Disney Pixie’s awoke from their two year slumber and visited The Cobbler, just like they did in 2014. They sprinkled him with some special Pixie Dust shizz and then he went out and pitched an absolute gem against a tough Baltimore offense going 7.1 innings with 12 K’s and 0 ER. The mysterious missing magic was back in his next start vs Houston going 8.1 innings with 11 K’s and 0 ER. He’s returned to the circle of trust as he’s been solid over his last 7 starts, striking out 62 in just 51.2 innings while posting a 2.11 ERA vs some strong AL opponents. I don’t know how long the magic dust is going to last this time, but he’s limiting the long ball and I like him tonight at home. He’s facing a tough offensive Houston Astros team tonight, but they’re also the number 3 in strikeouts vs RHP.
New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run today to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.Please, blog, may I have some more?
It feels like only yesterday J.D. Martinez injured himself, and it was yesterday if you were roofied. In his place, Steven Moya is filling in admirably. Yesterday, he went Yardo Montalban as he Tattooed the ball two times. Da plane, da plane…is flying right next to Moya’s homers! My dear guests! I am Mr. Albright, your host. Welcome… to Fantasy Baseball! Smiles, everyone, smiles! No, seriously, smile, you paid a lot of money for those caps. Moya now has three homers in his last three games, and if baseball is a game of inches, Moya’s got a lot of ’em. 79 inches to be exact. Not saying he’s John Holmes, he’s six-seven and looks like an easy 35-homer hitter. I watched him hit a ball the other way and he was like, “Yeah, okay, I guess I’ll hit this one out.” He looks like the kind of guy that could twelve homers in a month. If you’re power-starved, or just bored and wanna pick up a new player, I’d grab Moya. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I know, I know. Most boring Pitcher Profile in the lauded history of the Pitcher Profiles… But Tim Lincecum has been the talk of the town in some circles, that is, if the circle you’re in is at a retirement home…
I was hotly debating writing this week’s profile on the sexy new call-up Cody Reed, but legit decided to flip a coin to see who’s 2016 debut I would go with. One side was Jennifer Lawrence and the other side Sir Laurence Olivier. As in he’s old! Wait, I don’t think he’s even alive… Don’t fact check that…
It’s been several years since Old Tiny Tim has been fantasy relevant, and it’s only fitting that the reason why is a hip issue. He shoulda pressed the Life Alert earlier! But now he’s had the surgery, showed some flashes in his Minor League rehab games (7 inning 1-hitter with 8 Ks his last AAA start), and debuted for the Angels on Saturday afternoon. Here’s how his 2016 debut went down going at the A’s:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Just Damn. Just Doh. Just Don’t-tell-me-he’s-out-for-the-year. Just Depression. Just Difficulty-feeling-happiness. Just Dis-stress-is-stressing-me-out. Just D-negative-words-in-the-thesaurus. Just Dissolvent. Just Did-you-say-dissolvent? Just Don’t-stop-hugging-me-with-your-eyes-Ted-I-can’t-be-alone-right-now. A fractured elbow for J.D. Martinez. It happened when he ran into a wall. Apparently, the wall doesn’t own him. I hate you, wall! “If he dies, he dies.” Oh my God, the wall is imitating Ivan Drago! I knew it! The wall is a Russian super-villain. Martinez will head for a CT scan. I don’t know how long he’ll be out with a fractured elbow, but it sounds like it will be a while. Let’s join in the shape of a parallelogram and pray. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jake McGee hit the DL with a sprained MCL. Damn, 1150 was a very bad year for him. Wait, a new closer that no one owns is up for grabs! When this news broke, I was sitting in a French cafe, wearing a beret to the side, flicking a Virginia Slim 120 like a French baller. I immediately looked for Carlos Estevez, but he was gone. Then I looked for Jason Motte — gone! Then I looked for Boone Logan — there! So, I grabbed him, then I wept quietly. Was I really picking up the guy third down the SAGNOF totem for the Rockies? I’m such a pitiful save vulture. Get some dignity, man, you’re better than this, you’re rocking a beret and a Virginia Slim 120! After Saturday’s game, Walt Weiss announced Estevez would be the closer, so now, even more pitifully, I will be dropping Boone Logan, who got me a cheap vulture save on Sunday due to Estevez being used too many days in a row. That’s like the fantasy baseball walk of shame. Everyone who sees you drop the guy that doesn’t get the closer job knows full well that you desperately tried to make the wrong guy work. Now I have to pick up and drop twelve other guys to bury my move. The fantasy baseball shame cycle! As for Estevez, his outings will be like brother Emilio — short. His performances may be like brother Charlie’s relationships — rocky. Unlike his father, Martin, he will not be starring in an awful Netflix series canoodling with the DA from Law & Order. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
James Shields was traded to the White Sox for Erik Johnson and Fernando Tatis Jr. I remember well his father, Fernando Tatis Jr. (yes, they are both juniors; not at all confusing). I remember Tatis because he was the reason back in 2000, I said on my Geocities site, Fantasy Baseball and Neon Green Backgrounds, the following, “The Cardinals won’t bring up Albert Pujols because they have Fernando Tatis. Let’s just be grateful we made it through Y2K with all of our AOL emails intact. I got this forward from my uncle that is hilarious! Also, I think JC Chasez is easily the best singer in NSYNC. Justin Timberlake? More like Give-Me-A-Timberbreak!” Wow, that didn’t age well at all. So, the Padres finally listened to me and attempted to get younger. No idea about this Tatis; he’s so young he doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page yet — and Carson Cistulli has a Wiki page longer than Harriet Tubman! Elsewhere, Erik Johnson becomes an NL-Only add, but his wonky control leaves him a streamer for now in mixed leagues. As for Shields, leaving Petco + aging pitcher who hasn’t looked great for over a year now = Aged Balsamic. Hmm, math’s off there, was supposed to equal risky bet for mixed leagues with increased win potential and decreased ratios. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
“Ree,” opens the front door, walks down the driveway, says hello to my Polish neighbor, Stash, walks to the DQ, gets a Blizzard, eats said Blizzard, walks home, opens the door, says “Dick,” hits the head, not like that, comes back feeling a Blizzard lighter, does some Netflix and chill, shuts it off, says, “You,” brushes teeth, gets into bed, moves arm over Cougs, hears about her splitting headache, rolls over and says, “Lus.” That’s right, in honor of Mookie Betts, I just did the most ridiculous ridiculous call ever. You earned that shizz, you madman! I’d count the ways I love this man, but like a savant Blackjack dealer I can only count up to 21. After his three-homer game yesterday, Betts (3-for-5, 5 RBIs, 10th, 11th, 12th homers) now has those twelve homers to go with eight steals, a .283 average and is on pace for 115 runs and 85 RBIs. Don’t make me do another ridiculous ridiculous call, cause if you want me to, I will. Oh, and with what he’s doing, it’s not even inconceivable that he keeps up this pace. His BABIP (.290) is actually below his career average (he’s getting unlucky!), his fly ball percentage is down (he could be hitting more homers!) and he hasn’t been caught stealing once (so steal more!). You are witnessing the emergence of a perennial first rounder. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Devon Travis was activated from the DL yesterday (1-for-4, 1 run). Be interesting to see what he can do in his return from shoulder surgery. Shoulder surgery never really stopped anyone from doing well before. “Yes, Michael Brantley? Ask your question. Okay, if you’re not going to ask your question, at least put your arm down. You can’t put down your arm? Oh.” The Blue Jays said that Travis could move up the order soon, and hit leadoff. No way, Azul Jays! You mean Jose Bautista isn’t a leadoff hitter? That’s downright shocking. I never would’ve guessed that. Shiver me Timberlands, and stockpile my hatch chiles before Trump kicks New Mexico out of the union. There’s been a lot of talk in the comments about how unenthused I am for Travis, and it’s not entirely true. I would take a flyer on him in all leagues, but it takes hitters a while to return from shoulder surgery, so I’d tempura my expectations. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
“Hey, I’ll take two home runs from Khris Davis and be more than happy. Oh, who am I kidding? I’ll take one homer. Gently farting in your direction, Prince Fielder. Three homers? Well that is too much for my little old heart.” So began the monologue I told myself in my mirror last night. I was wearing a fedora with a feather in it and no pants. That’s added color for you to understand the scene. Then, it was the ninth, the A’s in the lead and Davis’s night looked over with two homers until. Dot dot dot. Ian Desmond homered off Ryan Madson and sent the game into the bottom of the ninth inning. Khris Davis came up to the plate, bases loaded, already with two homers on his scoresheet, could he hit one more? Could my monologue presented to my reflection come to fruition? Could my neighbors stop screaming for me to put on pants? Yes on all three! Finished the night with 3-for-5, 6 RBIs and three homers (9, 10, 11). I had Davis ranked around eight rounds higher than anyone else because I thought he could easily hit 30 homers in an age when 30 homers doesn’t come that easily. Has anything changed since the preseason? Yeah, the date. Dur. I love Khris Davis and right now looks even better than his namelganger, Chris Davis. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?