Despite Ronnie’s warnings, I fell in love with the Jor-Z, sure. I still like him a lot. You can totally Control-Alt-Delete this opening in keeper leagues too. But — and this is a J. Lo-sized but — Jordan Zimmermann is going to be shut down in the next month. The Nats are saying maybe another 6 or 7 starts. That’s — how do I say this? — not good. The inning limit is 160, he’s now at 108 2/3 IP. If he gets to 158 IP in 7 starts, are they going to send him out for 2 more innings in his 8th start? Why are you bothering me, Random Italicized Voice? S’s and g’s, G. Next year, they have the House of Strasburg returning and they want to be healthy. If you have a leaguemate who’s paying LeBron, I’m paying Dwayne Wade to trade away J-Z. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Mike Trout – So what’s my take on Trout besides he’s best served cajun? He’s kind of like the 3rd Upton brother. He’s the white Upton, or the Less Uptown Upton. Call him Upton Sinclair. As Torii Hunter might say, “We lose Bourjos and get Trout. They should’ve called that movie Anglos In The Outfield.” He’s fast, i.e., Trout can really swim upstream. He could be what we always wanted from B.J. Upton with a 25/40 line. Prospects don’t get much better. In only 74 games in the minors, he had 9 homers and 28 steals with a .330 average. Yet, he probably won’t do anything this year. When Bourjos returns, Trout may not even stick in the majors. I still say grab him in every league for the outside possibility of upside.
Cory Luebke – As I profossilized (Made Up Word Of The Day!) in the preseason, I really should’ve just drafted the entire Padres staff on one team and only started them at home. 2.92 ERA, 1.21 WHIP at home. I’d be near the top in all of my leagues for ratios. And I wouldn’t have Liriano. Win-win.
Phil Hughes – Told you not to draft him in the preseason, don’t exactly love him now, but if he’s on waivers, it’s worth a flyer. Talk about the old hard sell, or is that a hard buy?
David Hernandez – SAGNOF!
Joe Nathan – Let’s put it this way, Matt Capps just picked up Nathan for his fantasy team.
Travis Snider – Good source of power, but you can’t take him and his mustache within 500 feet of a schoolyard. Friend, that is creepy.
Laynce Nix – Two sets of season numbers so far: 30/12/33/.279/2 and 33/6/28/.248/8. First one is obviously Nix who’s owned in under 20% of ESPN leagues; 2nd one is Jason Bay who’s owned in 90% of leagues. You make fun of teams for giving names big money contracts, but you’re just as bad. Yeah, you.
Danny Valencia – Now dancing with Charo on Dancing With The Stars… Danny Valencia! Hola! Don’t know why but I always picture Valencia in a sequins shirt. He’s been on a tear for about three weeks now and beyond that he’s batting .240 right now but he’s a .285 hitter. So keep it going for Danny Valencia!
Emilio Bonifacio – He usually gets hot for a shorter period of time than a menopausal woman, but he is stealing some bags. Speaking of bags, at Whole Foods they give you a nickel off any purchase if you bring your own bag, so I plan on bringing 1000 bags and getting fifty dollars worth of food for free.
Mark Ellis – He’s currently hitting, but I think owning Ellis is gonna get old quicker than any of those Charlie Sheen catchphrases. Member when “Winning” was funny for like a minute? (Not an Urbandictionary minute which is actually a long time.)
Clint Barmes – This is the kinda waiver wire pickup you make then immediately look again at the waiver wire, find someone else and drop Barmes three minutes later. That kinda waiver wire pickup should have a name in the glossary. Suggest in the comments. Thank you.
Jose Reyes – M-E-S-S, Mess, Mess, Mess! I’m so done with the Mets. They got doctors from the med school that Steve Guttenberg went to in Bad Medicine and they keep selling us a bag of injured goods. Beltran will be out for the weekend — he missed 15 months! Wright is day-to-day with a broken back — he’s never returning! You think Johan’s ever coming back? I’m being serious. They built Metco on a haunted cemetery. Speaking of which, they’re gonna probably tell us Jason Bay actually died last year and they never reported it. Jose Reyes will probably miss all of July and a part of August. If you can find someone — read: sucker — to take Reyes off your hands thinking he’ll be back in a few weeks, go for it.
Nick Markakis – I’m feeling cantankerkis today. His numbers: 36/7/34/.293/7 look like a healthy Crapolanco. Whether Markakis is hitting or not, you can probably trade him for a better piece because of his name value then just grab an outfielder off waivers.
Aramis Ramirez – Yeah, he’ll probably hit a home run every game for the rest of the season and make this sell recommendation look silly. Cause he’s never one to get injured, or go into month long slumps. No! Not Aramis. He’s going to continue to hit like he had Babe Didrikson’s stem cells injected into his buttocks. You won’t find a guy whose value is higher right now. I’m not saying to sell him for the babysitting services of Casey Anthony, but I’d explore my options.