Domonic Brown is set to have surgery today and will be out for 4-6 weeks. At least that’s what the Phillies are saying. Brown is missing crucial time to get up to speed for the upcoming season, so he’s going to need time in the minors once he’s recovered. The hamate bone injury also causes hitters to lose power when they return, for up to a year later. So maybe Domonic Brown comes back healthy in May. And maybe Jessica Alba likes mustaches and I have a chance. Put your maybes in a time capsule and someone in hundred years will open it and say, “Um, who cares?” He was only a 12/14 hitter to begin with. Now, what do you get? 8/10? Sounds like Chris Denorfia. Chris Denorfia wasn’t that interesting when I dated a person by the same name in high school and they went by Christine. You really don’t want a piece now. Anyway, here’s some more news for fantasy baseball:
Ben Francisco – Will take over for Domonic Brown. Just draft Francisco late for a 15/15 type season and hope he stays in the lineup even when Brown is healthy. Basically, Francisco’s going to give you what you should’ve been expecting from Brown without all the sexy-time spinning tassels.
Lonnie Chisenhall – While in Arizona for the LABR draft, Rudy and I went to see the Rockies/Indians game. A preview of the World Series! (If the World Series decides to feature a good team vs. a terrible one.) So Lonnie Chisenhall comes up and hits a home run and Rudy turns to me and says he’s going to be a solid call-up come June. And I say something like, “You see that blonde girl three rows down? Wait, what?” I think Rudy’s correct. Right now, the Indians have the blahtoon of Nix and Valbuena. That, friends, isn’t going to last long. For those in keepers, I’d grab him even if his name only sounds right when you say Lonnie Chisenhall, D.D.S.
Neftali Feliz – Says he prefers to close. I say he does close. Feliz Closeranos! But it’s still not decided yet. Stay tuned… Or not. Your decision.
Bud Norris – Lifted from his start with a hamstring strain. He appeared on Rudy’s risky pitcher post. Not because Rudy is Ms. Cleo and knew Norris would hurt his hammy. Rudy is Ms. Cleo’s son. And there’s the cat coming out of the bag.
Miguel Olivo – Could be out with a strained groin into the beginning of the season. I used to strain my groin a few times a day in high school and I never missed that much time.
Chase Utley – I wrapped myself in a corn tortilla of denial for a week. Now, I’m officially worried. I’m dropping Utley out of the top 20 and pretty far down the top 100. In honor of his passing into unwanted fantasy territory, I’m going to repost my Utley story from 2008 for all of you Razzball noobs (Razzboobs?), “A friend of mine is a career minor leaguer. He’s had a few cups of coffee in the majors, but to follow that analogy to its conclusion, he’s still drowsy. A couple of years back, he got the September call-up for the Phillies. Being a starter in the minors, he was thrust into the coveted mop-up role. So it’s a 9-1 game, or some equally lopsided score, and my friend gets the call. To everyone in the stadium, it meant a pee break. To him, he got to jog out to a major league mound, something he dreamt about since he was a boy. The appearance was nothing more than a blip on some discarded box score. For him, it was two innings struggling to get hitters out. It was his day, yet it just wasn’t. Back in the locker room afterwards, players still went up and congratulated him on getting to the show. But not Utley. Nope. Utley bought him two prostitutes. They were delivered on one condition, Utley wanted to bang them first.”
