After the passing of Adam West, there’s one great man left in the world, his name is Shohei Ohtani. He comes from the island nation of Japan, and he accepts MVP awards with his puppy.

Shohei looks so emo in that pic of him and his dog it farkin’ kills me. He looks like he just learned his dog died, but we know it’s not true, it’s laying next to him thinking about licking its privates. How do I know what a dog is thinking? All dogs think that. It goes with being a dog. By the way, he said the dog’s name had to do with where he signed, but he refused to say what the dog’s name was. If his dog’s name is Vin or Scully, I might cry a little. Maybe he named his dog Shawngreen, for the two teams it was down to. In the end it was the Dodgers, who gave him $700 million for 10 years. The most absurd number there is the 10 years.

The deal involves no opt outs. Naturally, there’s no more LA teams to go to. What, he gonna play for the Lakers? Actually, I beat he could.

So, I am an Ohtani fanboy, an Ohstani, so to speak. As long as he’s hitting monster flies like he’s on safari and hitting them so-far-y, then I’m on board. As long as he’s stealing bags while doing it, I will [saluting] Ohstani. He’s extraordani. His new environs means less to me than, “How will he react after elbow surgery?” Anyone who tells you they know is a lying liar. I hate lying liars. We can guess? Oh, sure, I don’t hate guessing guessers. It wasn’t the same operation as Bryce Harper, but even if the road back is the same, Ohtani had the operationi a full month earlier, so at worst Ohtani is great by June and back for Opening Day. I’m not counting Ohtani out for anything. Knowing him, he’ll be throwing gems by September, even though the assumption is he won’t be ready until 2025 for The Mound. In 135 games last year, he went 44/20/.304, so we might miss a month of him “being good.” To quote P!nk, so what? I don’t even know what Ohtani not “being good” looks like. He only hits seven homers and steals three bags in his first month, then ramps up to 12 HRs the following month? Aw shucks, that sounds terrible. He’s only as good as a healthy Bryce Harper when not healthy and way better than a not-healthy Bryce Harper? Sign me up, you ding dongs! Listen, it comes down to do you want possibly the 2nd best hitter in baseball from June to September and only the 20th best hitter for April and May? Yes, I do. For 2024, I’ll give Shohei Ohtani projections of 101/36/92/.281/18 in 503 ABs. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason in fantasy baseball:

PSYCHE! I’ve begun to roll out my 2024 fantasy baseball rankings on the Patreon. Don’t wait for the rankings to come out next month. Anyway II, the roundup:

Nick Senzel – Signed with the Nats. Okay. Dot dot dot. But why? Even if he’ll work for food, it’s such a boring prospblock. Just play Alex Call or Jacob Young and see what you have until James Wood is ready. Meh, whatever, I don’t care. Nats suck and are looking to suck more. Oral fixation? P to the erhaps. For 2024, I’ll give Nick Senzel projections of 47/15/52/.242/7 in 381 ABs.

Will Smith – Signed by the Royals. Will Smith was with the Braves in 2021, Astros in 2022 and Rangers in 2023. [places $5 bet that the 650 to 1 Royals win the World Series] Let’s go Royals! So, Will Smith seems destined to be the Royals’ closer for a half season until he’s traded to a playoff contender, and that team wins the World Series. For 2024, I’ll give Will Smith projections of 2-5/4.12/1.38/58, 12 saves in 62 IP.

Christian Bethancourt – Traded to the Marlins. Just drafted Bethancourt in the Draft Champions league we’re doing, and I don’t know if I should be happy or sad about this move. Maybe sappy? Had?

Austin Hedges – Signed with the Guards. Hedges will backup Naylor. In a throuple?

Evan White – Traded to the Angels. Damn, already filled in that Ohtani production! I kid. This is such a bizarre move. Nolan Schanuel is the Evan White they already had. Why acquire another? Doesn’t seem like the Angels know what they’re doing. This is me saying the obvious out loud.

Max Stassi – Him and David Fletcher both went the other way to the Braves, then Stassi was flipped to the White Sox. What, the White Sox can’t talk to the Angels themselves? For 2024, I’ll give Max Stassi projections of 43/14/49/.221 in 347 ABs. Stassi doesn’t have catcher eligibility in NFBC, which is puzzling. Last time he played was 2022 and it was at catcher. Not sure why he was striped of it, but I asked.

Tyler O’Neill – Traded to the Red Sox. Tyler O’Neill getting traded is the Farrah Fawcett passing of MLB news since it was happening during the Ohtani frenzy of free agency, which is odd since her former partner passed away the same day O’Neill was traded and they share the same last name, but spelled different. RIP Ryan O’Neal. I had one interaction with Farrah and Ryan and they were both lovely. Any hoo! Tyler O’Neill’s free! He’s free! Sure, he might be a Charlie Brown football kicking, but he also might be great and he’s going late enough (assuming the trade doesn’t drive up his price too much) and stop me if you’ve heard this before–Fine! I get it, he’s burned us once, twice, three times, [yelling like Jerry Lewis] LADY! Yet, it’s still worth the flyer. I’m sorry. he’s talented. I can’t help it if the Cards’ manager, Oli Marmol, held O’Neill’s cat up by the scruff of its neck, threatening it, every time O’Neill stepped in the batter’s box. Gonna be so cool when Randy Arozarena, Adolis Garcia and Tyler O’Neill are the American League’s All-Star outfield. Do I have any real hope for O’Neill? Yes, absolutely. The Green Monster can add 20 points in average and he can hit out of any park. For 2024, I’ll give Tyler O’Neill projections of 74/27/77/.246/7 in 466 ABs with upside from there. By the by, you can tell how badly a guy is wanted off a team by who they get back. Who did the Cards get back? “Someone Oli Marmol won’t curse at.”