Chris Johnson and Justin Upton made a nice Diamondcomeback last night. To welcome them back, everyone in attendance received a visiting team home run ball. Upton and Johnson went a combined 7-for-9, 3 runs, 5 RBIs with two homers as they both came a triple short of the cycle. Their trade to Atlanta for infielder Martin Prado and four prospects was a trade that Kevin Towers said was done because his team needed a facelift. That facelift looks about as good as Bruce Jenner’s, and right now Justin Upton is Ray J having sex with Kris, Kourtney, Khloe and Kim while making some wack-ass rap video about it. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
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As you all know, pitching is my favorite part of fantasy baseball and baseball in general. It’s as overpoweringly addictive to me as gasoline is to the leather-clad gangs in The Road Warrior. Now I most certainly don’t have any ass-less chaps, but I was on the edge of my seat watching some of thee performances, I’m not gonna lie mainly Chris Sale last night, just because he’s on many of my teams and I was on vacation over the weekend…
There were a lot of comments last week asking for a Shelby Miller breakdown, and as probably everyone knows (spoiler alert! Wait it’s in the title. Don’t look at the title…) all he did was go out and throw a 1-hitter. So I went back to watch the tape and break down the start for all you loyal pitcher profile fans:
Please, blog, may I have some more?This is not a drill. Eric Young Jr. should actually see steady starts in right field with Michael Cuddyer hitting the disabled list. After Helton went down we were teased by the occasional EY2 start. I may or may not have seen Grey with a Cuddyer voodoo doll in his hand and next thing I know, EY2 is the Rockies leadoff hitter and starting right fielder. He and a few others who are on page one of the steals’ leaderboards may still be available in your league. Juan Pierre, Michael Saunders, and Kelly Johnson all graduated from this list with over 50% ownership now. Hopefully they are able to contribute to their new fantasy owners instead of doing what I did when I graduated, which was sitting in my parents’ basement eating pizza rolls and hoping that today would be “PLINKO” day on The Price Is Right.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Much respect to the mothers. Without my emergence from my mother’s vagina, I wouldn’t be able to bestow on you my fantasy baseball ‘pertness. We are one people and everyone has popped out of a mother’s vagina at one point, unless you’re an alien — I’m looking at you, Andrelton! — and with our emergence from our mother’s vagina — or that Cesarean stuff that I don’t fully understand — I say we should all live together, loving each other, and never speaking of Ike Davis again, cause he sucks. With all that mother loving out of the way, yesterday was about the worst offensive day I’ve seen during a full schedule day for rosterable fantasy hitters. I mean, there were a ton of Brayan Pena’s and Donald Lutz’s doing work, but not a whole lot from guys actually owned. Though, it would be awesome if someone got caught corking their pink bat. Corking a pink bat is like A-Rod growing a mustache. Then the nadir of that offensive dearth (pinnacle of pitching success?) was Chris Sale. He tossed a shutout, one-hitter with 7 Ks vs. the Anathema Angels. Still don’t trust him to stay healthy all season, but it looks pretty likely that he’s going to be pitching well until his arm falls off. Then, if his arm doesn’t fall off perchance, he’s going to be a number one pitcher. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?Mark Twain wrote there are three types of lies; there’s lies, damned lies and baseball stats. That’s from Huckleberry Finn, Page 84…I think. I’m not entirely sure as I went to an “alternative high school” in Maine which was a flannel-clad cross between Glee and Lord of the Flies. Now everybody sing “Don’t you Forget About Me” while I impale this pig’s head on a spear. Happy Mother’s Day!
*Now back to our regularly scheduled blog*
Please, blog, may I have some more?Hold me! Clap, clap! Love me! Clap, clap! Eight days a week, he will Pronk you! Hrm, I just turned an awesome Beatles tune into something sordid sounding. Sorry for the ending to that sentence, lispers, and welcome to your weekly addition of the Creeper series. Why is it called the creeper series, you ask? I honestly don’t know, I didn’t make it up. Grey just said “hey, you wanna rub my feet and feed me grapes while listening to Paula Cole on my iPod?” and when I said the obligatory “no,” he said there’s something else I could do to help him. In a statement made in the pursuit of honesty and integrity, picking Travis Hafner feels a little underhanded. As of this typing, he’s 24.8% owned in ESPN leagues and 35% owned in yahoo leagues. But he’s not owned in one of my RCLs so I felt justified. Yes, I have more than one RCL. Don’t judge me. But, more to the point, the ownership of Pronk might be higher than it currently should be. As of Saturday morning, Hafner is just 8/34 with only 1 HR over his last 14. So why am I suggesting him, you ask? Well that’s what paragraph two is for, silly! So with that, let’s see why you should visit the Pronktologist during week 7 of the 2013 fantasy baseball season…
Please, blog, may I have some more?In my Week 4 MiLB report, I included a brief writeup on Blue Jays pitching prospect, Roberto Osuna, highlighting his hot start to 2013 season at Low-A Lansing. My blurb from that particular post: “Number five on my Blue Jays top ten from March, Osuna is a rather plump 18-year-old with a front-end arsenal. Through 18 IP at Low-A Lansing, he’s posted a 26/3 K/BB along with an ERA at 2.95 and a WHIP at 0.82. Some folks are concerned about his potentially tubby frame, but the stuff might just be good enough to overcome the weight issue.” Well Osuna was pulled from his most recent start with elbow discomfort. A subsequent visit to Dr. Andrews has revealed a UCL tear, and it’s now all but official that the Jays’ prized prospect will require season-ending Tommy John surgery. The developmental setback is disappointing, but at age 18, Osuna was ahead of the developmental curve already. There’s still reason to remain optimistic about his future outlook, but it looks like it’ll be a full year before we see him pitching in a meaningful game again. And that sucks.
Please, blog, may I have some more?I have to admit that I am completely tired of talking about all the Nick Green‘s and Hector Jimenez‘s of the fantasy baseball world. I could use a one-week recharge from rummaging through the free agency trash heap of our deep leagues, which means you do to. I’m the driver, so you never really had a choice anyways. That being said, today’s subject might be useful as you begin to get a feel for what your team is and what it needs. Whether or not you are thinking about buying for a run at the championship, or already day-dreaming about drowning your team in a fire-sale, I’d like to tackle some players you should be asking for as throw-ins. And by throw-ins, I’m talking about prospects outside of the Top-100 that you should ask for in every trade proposal. My goal is to name names that aren’t expensive, don’t move the dynamic of your proposal, but could pay dividends a couple years down the road. Remember, there were 1,026 players taken in the 1988 draft before Mike Piazza. Let’s find ours.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Shelby Miller is living the high life. Major league success, fame, fortune… and twins! Everything’s coming up Shelby. He was masterful last night, tapping the Rockies in a complete game, 1-hit shutout with 13 strikeouts. The 13 Ks was a career high and Miller time is now. It’s been an amazing start for the rookie, but this was easily his best performance so far. He gave up a hit to Eric Young Jr. to start the game and then proceeded to retire the next, oh I don’t know…27 batters! Sweet sassy molassy! That’s called dominance, folks. That’s not just a “Shelbyville” idea either, that’s what aces do, and Miller may well have proven himself last night as a legit fantasy ace. He was painting the corners with his fastball yesterday, showing pin point control and throwing serious cheese between 94-96 mph, dude was untouchable. Shelbs grabbed his fifth win and now has a 1.58 ERA with a 0.88 WHIP. The player rater has him as a top five overall pitcher. Yeah, he’s been that good, and it’s the 51/11 K/BB ratio that keeps me up at night thinking about him. He’s the champagne of pitchers and looks like the early favorite for rookie of the year honors. I had my own Shelby Miller fantasy last week and here’s what I said about him, “I believe the best is yet to come for Shelby Miller and have made some substantial offers for him in redraft leagues. I’m buying Miller if I can, even though I prefer Budweiser.” There may be some regression coming, but I expect Miller to continue his success going forward. No matter what beer you prefer to drink, or whether its Miller’s great taste, or the fact that he’s less filling that makes him so good, either way fantasy owners can agree that Shelby Miller has arrived and he’s here to stay.
Here’s what else happened in fantasy baseball Friday night:
Please, blog, may I have some more?If you’re anything like me (and your office’s firewall is feeble or nonexistent), then I’m sure you’ve wasted countless hours clicking through the player cards on Baseball-Reference.com. It’s fun to get lost in the vortex of baseball history, absorbing interesting nuggets, like how Hawk Harrelson posted a 155 OPS+ in 1968. Of course, scientific analysis is overrated according to Hawk, so don’t bother telling him that the metrics suggest he was quite awesome that year. Baseball-Reference is also the place where I learn about player nicknames and Twitter handles and all that sort of nonsense that we simply cannot live without. But the most fascinating feature of the site is one that I was only recently made aware of — I’m sure it’s been there for awhile, so forgive me if you know about it already. Next time you’re visiting the website, click on the player search box and type “f**kface”, only leave out the censoring characters. Then search it, and enjoy. I have no idea why that particular player card shows up, but it’s hilarious nonetheless. Any insight on this topic would be appreciated in the comments section. Also feel free to focus your comments on the coming week’s two-starters, which are listed below.
As always, probable pitchers are subject to change. For a look at all fantasy baseball streamers, click that link.
Please, blog, may I have some more?If Bernie Madoff never ripped off investors to the tune of eighteen billion dollars, the world would be a different place. The US wouldn’t be exporting trillions of golfers’ plaid pants from Boca Raton, Florida to Scotland to be used as kilts. Mazerati dealers in Long Island, Beverly Hills and Palm Beach wouldn’t be sweating their child’s $50,000 nursery school tuition. Nannies in Connecticut would have time to watch daytime talk shows rather than putting bottles of rare wines on eBay. But one of the biggest hits taken by Madoff was the Mets owner, Fred Wilpon. Ever wonder why Bobby Bonilla is still getting a million dollars a year from the Mets in a Swiss bank account made out to the name “Bobby Barramundi?” Madoff ran the Mets’ finances. I bring this up because if Madoff were still at the wheel, the Mets would probably send Mr. Met to the proper specialist for his gigantism and they would’ve called up Zack Wheeler already. Money’s the issue for both. Super 2 cutoff is a funky thing to figure, but to the best of my abilities, I’ve ascertained Wheeler can be called up May 15th or June 4th. A month ago, Terry Collins was already asking for Wheeler to be called up to replace Hefner. If the Mets keep him down past the first week of June, it’s because Wheeler is injured or because the Mets are saying to their fans, “We don’t care, and Terry Collins can suck a big fat one.” Why do you care for fantasy baseball purposes — or porpoises if dolphins are reading? Because Wheeler could be nearly as good as Harvey. His control in the minor leagues is slightly worse than Harvey’s was, but his Ks are just as purdy. Here’s what Scott, our prospect writer, said, “Wheeler had a phenomenal 2012, posting impressive numbers between Double- and Triple-A: 3.26 ERA, 1.17 WHIP, 8.9 K/9. The 22-year-old features a plus fastball that sits in the mid-90s, and he counters with plus-plus curve, a slider, and a change — the latter two are both nice offerings. It’s a deep repertoire for a pitcher of his age, but Wheeler commands it well and baffles hitters with his sequencing, unlike Grey who baffles people with his sequins shirts.” Huh? I don’t wear sequins shirts (anymore). In most mixed leagues, now is the time to start stashing Wheeler, he’s gonna be a great one. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?Grey Albright just may be the greatest visionary of our time. A modern day Nostradamus even. I’ll admit that I didn’t want to buy into the hype surrounding Paul Goldschmidt but now I feel like I deserve a good d!cks slapping. This behemoth homered off the legends known as Kershaw and Kenley Jansen Wednesday night and he’s now batting 313 with 9 dongs, 30 ribbys and 4 base thefts. I haven’t seen this kind of savagery displayed since I witnessed a crew of catholic priests running a train on a teenage boy I once modeled with. Needless to say, I wish I owned him as the man is a true points league monster. How do you do it Grey? I consider myself one of the top 5 most all around talented fantasy players on planet earth and that includes football, basketball and obviously baseball, but Mr. Albright just may have me licked when it comes to roto and I don’t mean sexually. He’s got a mustache fit for an 80’s porn star as well as a heart of gold and you gotta respect it. Enough slurping of the boss. Let’s get to what I saw this week.
Please, blog, may I have some more?