Fantasy Baseball Advice

The royal we just went over the top 20 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball.  For those that skipped the title, this post is the top 40 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball.  If you’re looking for the hitters, it’s under the 2012 fantasy baseball rankings, which is also at the top of the page.  Barring unusual circumstances, I usually try to grab two starters from this list of twenty.  So I’ll have one starter from the first twenty and two from this, which gives me three.  Math’s been berry, berry good to me!  Anyway, here’s the top 40 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball:

21. Daniel Hudson – This tier started in the top 20 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball.  This tier goes from here until Anibal.  I called this tier, “Am I crazy with these rankings?  Yeah, crazy like a fox!”  In 2011, Hudson’s K/9 was 6.85 as he struck out only 169.  That seems like the absolute basement and I’m banking on him striking out quite a few more guys in 2012.  In Triple-A, he had a K/9 of 10.41 and in 2010 he had 7.93 in the majors.  He had the third fastest, um, fastball in the Senior Circuit, but hitters made decent contact with pitches outside of the strike zone.  I expect that’ll change in 2012 and he’ll bump up his K-rate by at least 1.  To show my love, I almost put him in the top 20 starters.  Instead, he’s in an extended tier that started there.  I can only give so much love.  2012 Projections:  14-8/3.40/1.18/190

22. Jordan Zimmermann – I’ve ranked Zimmermann on the high side, but I was thinking about how it probably won’t matter.  Last year everyone and their lunch had an ERA under 3.  If that happens again, and I see no reason why it won’t, then there will be dozens of pitchers to own.  You’ll probably be able to draft Greinke, Zimmermann and wait seventy picks.  I’ll go over more about drafting strategy later.  As for Zimmermann, the K-rate will be better this year and if he holds the gains he made with his walk rate, he might just be a top 10 pitcher this year.  Yes, the Nats will be good.  2012 Projections:  14-6/3.25/1.15/170

23. Matt Garza – In 2009, Garza had a K/9 of 8.38 for the Rays.  I mention this so it doesn’t seem that outlandish to think he can repeat his K/9 from last year of 8.95.  Is he as sexy a name as the others in this tier?  Nope.  Can he be as productive?  Maybe more so.  I wouldn’t let it worry me too much that Epstein seems absolutely dead set on moving Garza.  Shizz happens as Forret Gump invented, don’t let it play too much into your drafting.  2012 Projections:  12-10/3.40/1.25/190

24. Anibal Sanchez – I shocked myself with this ranking.  Nearly fell off my Barclay Lounger!  Anibal was that good last year?  He (she?) was!  His K/9 of 9.26 and BB/9 of 2.93 were the best rates of his career.  Is there a chance he goes back into the junk drawer this year?  I guess, but why?  He’ll be 28 years old and entering his third full year, if you exclude his early years when he bounced back and forth between the minors and majors, battling injuries.  I love Anibal this year and I’m not sure if that should make me feel uncomfortable because of his gender-confusing first name.  I’m gonna type up a manifesto about my Anibal love in the weeks to come.  I may even type it up using only the blinks of my eyes to show how dedicated I am.  He is the Marlins’ ace.  Screw Josh Johnson and the stretcher he rode in on!  2012 Projections:  15-8/3.50/1.24/190

25. Josh Johnson – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Hanson.  I call this tier, “The ‘perts that are taking these guys are puff, puff, puffing; I’m passing.”  Josh Johnson and his porn star brother, Gosh, can show up at my house and plead their case for me drafting Johnson, and I will not.  Because of injury risk, I’m down on Johnson.  Okay, maybe I could’ve reworded that.  Someone can tattoo how healthy Johnson will be this year on the inside of my eyelids and I’ll ignore it.  I will not read one single “He’s healthier than he’s ever been in his life!” report from Spring Training.  Maybe we’ll see each again in 2013.  For now, I’m like John Bobbitt and I’m without Johnson.  2012 Projections:  10-3/2.75/1.05/100 in 110 IP

26. Ian Kennedy – My feelings against Kennedy aren’t quite as extreme as Johnson.  He’s just being overdrafted because of his 21 wins from last year.  If he had 15 wins, no one would’ve said anything about him not being in the top 20.  Who knew there were so many Murray Chasses (Chassi?) out there.  He’ll be lucky to get 15 wins this year.  Also, you throw in the fact he’s more of a 3.50 ERA pitcher than a 2.88 ERA that he was in 2011 and it’s yet another reason to avoid.  Will he shat the bed?  I guess it depends on what he eats, but I doubt it.  He made improvements on his K-rate and walk rate, but I still don’t trust him for where he’s being drafted and won’t pay the price.  And for all those haters who think I’m stupid for avoiding Kennedy, I go back to the fact there are a gazillion, give or take a million, starters to choose from.  If I’m having concerns about one guy, you’ll excuse me if I avoid him and take one of the other gazillion (plus or minus a million) pitchers.  2012 Projections:  15-10/3.50/1.12/180

27. Yu Darvish – I already went over my Yu Darvish fantasy.  It’s sexy and I know it.  2012 Projections:  14-7/3.60/1.10/190

28. Josh Beckett – Red State Jeter is just too flaky for me.  One year — 2.89 ERA; another year — 5.78 ERA.  What he actually is is (stutterer!) a 3.75 ERA pitcher.  What side of the 3.75 ERA bed Beckett wakes up no one knows, except for maybe some country singer no one’s ever heard of.  2012 Projections:  14-9/3.60/1.20/185

29. Ricky Romero – For full disclosure purposes — or porpoises if dolphins are reading — I almost put Romero in the sexy name tier.  He seemed to fit in there better than Garza, but when it came down to it, I wanted Garza more than I wanted Romero.  Last year, Romero had an ERA of 2.92 but an xFIP of 3.80.  Romero — what a joker!  His K-rate two of the last three years has been 7.13 and 7.12.  Um, they’re okay.  Finally, a cool name and an uncanny resemblance to LL Cool J does not make him sexy for fantasy.  Sorry, RR Cool Jay.  2012 Projections:  13-12/3.75/1.20/170

30. James Shields – Shields and Beckett are tomato-tomato with a different emphasis.  Good Ks, all over the map with their ERAs.  What I’m looking for from starters is the most trustworthy names I can find (even if Gallardo and Greinke don’t feel trustworthy).  Like a 1800′s soldier who just saw his first gun fired, I just don’t trust Shields.   2012 Projections:  13-11/3.70/1.25/190

31. Tommy Hanson – I felt like mmmdropping Hanson even lower, but settled on him here in a tier where I’m saying others are drafting these guys before me, i.e., I won’t own them, I before E except in Teixeira, I hope everyone can follow to not draft Hanson.  Think Hanson can be a Cy Young-type for many years, but I don’t trust his shoulder to be right this year.  I doubt 200 regular season innings is going to improve that.  2012 Projections:  9-7/3.75/1.20/130 in 120 IP

32. Matt Moore – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Luebke.  I call this tier, “Yummo!”  I already went over my Matt Moore fantasy.  I wrote it while buying a Pacman-shaped potato chip on eBay.  2012 Projections:  10-7/3.15/1.20/160 in 150 innings

33. Max Scherzer – I already went over my Max Scherzer 2012 fantasy.  There’s lots of love in that post.  If you read it in the dark, you can almost feel my erection.  2012 Projections:  14-8/3.70/1.30/195

34. Ubaldo Jimenez – Look at me giving Ubaldo another chance.  I’m one forgiving ess oh bee (except when it comes to Brian Bonsall ruining Family Ties).  Last year Ubaldo held his K-rate from his terrific season in 2010, but just had a bit of crappy luck.  I don’t expect a sub-3 ERA, but he’s also not the 4.68 ERA guy he was last year.  If I’m right, this is good news for all the Colorado-area parents that named their kids after Ubaldo back in 2010.  The bad news, they have to move to Cleveland.  2012 Projections:  13-10/3.65/1.27/190

35. Shaun Marcum – Member when March Grey said Marcum would start the 2011 All-Star Game?  What a dog-faced fool!  March Grey, “There’s more of me in you than you care to admit!  All of you!”  Look at you grandstanding like you’re Al Pacino.  March Grey, “Hoo-ah!”  Marcum didn’t take a step forward last year like I thought he might with the move to the NL, but he still performed admirably and if he has even the slightest of gains, he’ll have a great year.  If he just repeats last year, it’s still solid.  2012 Projections:  12-8/3.60/1.17/160

36. Brandon Beachy – Here’s a guy that could jump to the top 10 for next year or bomb and become a sleeper for 2013.  If he can turn in 170 innings with his 10+ K/9, you’re looking at a pitcher that is going to exceed this ranking by a lot.  If something sophomore slumpy happens, then you’re gonna have a wasted draft pick on your virtual hands.  Of course, his season may not be that cut and dry and be somewhere between those two predictions.  But what fun is that?  (BTW, there’s no reason to ask why Beachy is below other guys that have worse projections.  Beachy has more risk because of the lack of track record, hence the ranking.)  2012 Projections:  12-7/3.45/1.18/190 in 170 innings

37. Brandon Morrow – I already wrote a Brandon Morrow 2012 fantasy sleeper post.  A real snoozer in the inverse.  2012 Projections:  13-9/3.85/1.28/210

38. Cory Luebke – Out first appearance of a Hodgepadre in the starter rankings.  I can’t believe I haven’t written a sleeper post on Luebke yet, but that’ll all change after I fill my Adderall prescription.  Last year, Luebke had a K-rate of 9.92 and a xFIP of 3.02.  You need more?  You shouldn’t.  But fine, for you anything!  He can control his walks to the tune of under a 2 BB/9, as he did in the minors.  He’s only 26 years old (as of this writing) and he pitches in Petco.  When I say giddy, you say up.  Giddy… Up!  Giddy… Up!  P. Diddy… Up!  Fooled you.  2012 Projections:  9-8/3.25/1.09/170

39. Chris Carpenter – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the top 60 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball.  I call this tier, “Might be fine, won’t be fine on my teams.”  I’ve never been a fan of Carpenter.  His Ks are solid, his ERAs are solid, his WHIPs are solid.  My dislike is unwarranted, basically.  Right?  Or not right?  He’s only topped 200 Ks once in his career and that was back in 2005 when he threw 241 2/3 innings.  Anyone who owned him last year when he was 1-7 with a 4.47 ERA and a 1.39 WHIP as of June 17th, probably won’t go near him this year either.  We can be friends.  Wait by your phone, I’ll call you.  2012 Projections:  13-10/3.65/1.25/165

40. Johnny Cueto – I’ve liked Cueto since he emerged on the scene.  Liked him even more when he Zabka’d LaRue.  We’re gonna take a break this year.  His peripherals last year were a mess.  6 K/9, 3.90 xFIP, crazy low BABIP… Crouching Cueto, Hidden Dragon Breath Stats.   2012 Projections:  11-6/3.80/1.25/130

Max Scherzer has been almost exactly the same pitcher the last three years.  He pitches around a 3.75 xFIP then fights Nazis in the offseason.  (He sure is limber for being thousands of years old, made of mud and having two different color eyes!)  I say almost because his strikeout rate fell a tad in 2011, but nothing that I’m worried about.  His velocity was fully populated with speedballs.  Gas at 93 MPH on average.  Sometimes turning the heat up to 98 just to confuse thermometers.  Three years under his belt and he’s going to be 27 years old for half the season.  Don’t think we’ve seen the best of what Scherzer has to offer.  Can you tell my excitement.  I can’t even make complete sentences.  What’s got me even more excited for 2012?  He cut his walk rate last year.  To borrow a yokelism that no one says, that was the big junebug in his bonnet and he eradimacated it.  So what can we expect of Max Scherzer for 2012 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

He’s not a Nolasco or a Morrow.  He doesn’t perpetually have an out-of-whack xFIP or FIP or OMUPS (Other Made Up Stat).  In 2010 his ERA was actually better than his xFIP.  Does this matter?  I’m not sure it does, but it makes me feel a lot more confident knowing that he’s not cursed every year.  As previously mentioned, his K-rate fell last year, but it looks like it was an anomaly rather than a trend.  So a pitcher that is between 185 and 200 Ks a year that always has a 3.75ish xFIP is a solid number two.  Hey, Grey, I’m flush with solid number twos!  Thanks, Random Italicized Voice.  Yes, a number two that gives you a 3.75 ERA isn’t Cy Young material, but a pitcher with Scherzer’s K upside can give you a 3.30 ERA with 200+ Ks.  Now we’re in number one starter territory.  I see his line at 14-8/3.70/1.30/195 with upside for more.  (Bee tee dubya, we ARE putting aside that I call him a sleeper every year.  Thanks for not mentioning that!)  The only man that can beat The Detroit Golem?  The Verlander!

With Nelson Cruz hitting the DL (I’ll get to that schmohawk), the Rangers called up Leonys Martin.  Martin could be a poor man’s Desmond Jennings, in other words he’ll be a 2nd ballot Hall of Famer, not 1st.  Martin has breezed through the minor leagues, starting in the Rookie league, jumping to Double-A and finally hitting Triple-A.  It’s called the “Julio Borbon-Endy Chavez-David Murphy Ain’t Doing Shizz From Shinola So We Need A Centerfielder” plan.  Martin has plus-plus speed.  Red Bull says Leonys gives them wings.  He could develop some power down the road, but I wouldn’t expect more than a homer or two with this call-up.  If you need speed in AL-Only or deeper keeper (hey, poet!) mixed leagues, I’d look at him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Nelson Cruz – Will be out for 3 weeks with his moans over his hammy.  Any Nostradumbass could’ve told you he’d be hurt at some point this year, but, seriously, this guy gets injured at least once every two months.  Let him play the field in a bubble.  He’s now getting a platelet-rich plasma injection to stimulant the healing process.  I think this was the same treatment they gave Caesar in Rise of the Planet of the Apes.

Adrian Beltre – The injury butterfly effect in Texas is supposed to get Beltre back on the field for Thursday.

Andre Ethier – 3-for-4 as he was back in the lineup on Monday.  He wasn’t going to play, but Colletti showed up at his house and saw a mannequin in Ethier’s bed with a stereo simulating snoring sounds.

Clayton Kershaw – 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  The Yaghan people, the indigenous inhabitants of Tierra del Fuego, have a word ‘mamihlapinatapai’ that means a desire shared by two people that neither will act on.  If you ever notice when Kershaw pitches, he’ll look into the camera ever-so-slightly.  He’s looking at me.  We got mamihlapinatapai.

Shin-Soo Choo – Gonna miss up to two weeks with his aggravated left side.  And I’m aggravated with him, so we’re even.

Justin Morneau – Out with a sore shoulder.  After thinking about Morneau’s season, listening to Bon Iver cheers me up.

Randy Wells – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Member when I loved Wells about a year or two ago?  Yeah, this start was what I wanted.  Way to make a guy wait.

Jason Motte – Reporting it here first after inferring from other sources, Motte will see some saves.  La Russa said, “You give guys what they earn, and they make the decisions for you.  Now please donate money to PETA.  I have bunnies to save.”

Jamie Moyer – Rehabbing in Clearwater, Florida hoping to be ready for the start of next season.  I’m assuming he’s talking about the 2012 World Bingo Tour.

Cole Hamels – 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks.  A triumphant return from a 15-day DL stint sans spirit fingers.  I figured Hamels would be fine since he was supposedly healthy last week, but the Phils aren’t pushing the issue with anyone.

Homer Bailey – 8 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks vs. the Phils.  Took steel nads (or stunods) to start him here, but it turned out okay.  I still don’t trust him.  Will work on my trust issues during the offseason just in time for him to screw me next year.  See, I haven’t worked on them yet.

R.A. Dickey – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. Dickey’s been H.A.M. for the last 8 starts.  Not many Ks, not crazy on the Wins, but solid ratios.

Alex White – 6 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Eh, if you’re rolling a Rockie rookie pitcher out there, you probably deserve this start.  Sorry, it’s Tough Love Grey!

Gaby Sanchez – 1-for-4 while hitting his/her first homer yesterday since July 23rd.  She/he could be getting hot, but we’ll need to see more before adding him/her because Jose Lopez has been stealing a lot of his/her playing time.

Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer.  Is it me or every time someone does something good on the Anaheim Really Isn’t That Close To Los Angeles Los Angeles Angels I expect the Sciociapath to bench him?

Max Scherzer – 3 IP, 7 ER.  To think Michael Chabon wasted a whole book about this guy.

Cameron Maybin – Returning to San Diego for an MRI.  I know they have MRIs in Los Angeles, so it worries me that he’s going to San Diego for an MRI, unless he’s just a victim of a bad HMO.

Nick Hundley – 2-for-4, hitting .413 in August with 2 homers and 5 RBIs.  So, in other words, he’s getting hits but not a whole lot else.  It’s a’ight.

Brandon McCarthy – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Has 93 Ks to 22 walks and a 1.21 WHIP in 133 2/3 innings.  Only drawback really is the A’s have about as much chance of wins as anyone going to see Moneyball besides baseball geeks.  You, “Hey, baby, I was thinking after Red Lobster we go see Moneyball?”  Your loved one, “Is that the one about Scott Hatteberg’s on base percentage?  I’d love to, sweetie!”   Yeah, that’s gonna happen.

Alex Gordon – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 19th homer.  At first I couldn’t understand why he’s been batting leadoff for the better part of the season, but I think I’ve figured it out.  The Royals are so afraid if they mess with Gordon in any way that he’ll revert to being a bust.  Kid Cudi with kid gloves, I kid you not.

Billy Butler – 1-for-4, but whatever.  This headline just writes the joke for you.

Salvador Perez – 3-for-4 with his first homer.  Royals have committed to playing Perez for 140 games next year as their starter.  He’s 21, so I’ll say until he struggles they’ve committed to him.  As of right now, he’s not struggling at all.  Hitting near .400 over the last week and has some pop in his bat.  Worth a look in very deep leagues (read AL-Only or Sal-Only leagues).

Johnny Damon – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  Wow, next thing you know he’s gonna make a throw to 2nd with only one relay man.

Brett Lawrie – 1-for-4 with 2 steals.  I’m fully prepared to go all in for him next year while preparing myself for a bust.  Don’t bust, don’t bust, bust!  That’s next March, April and May Grey.  BTW, I’m thinking about changing my name to $rey only I think it works better for S’s.

Adam Lind – 1-for-5 with his 23rd homer.  Who was it saying they were done with Lind because of his slump?  Oh, everyone.

Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-3 with a steal.  I love…Wait, not strong enough.  I lurve when guys try and prove their worth by stealing bags.  Prove yourself, Viciedo, prove.

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 13 Ks.  Hold on, I need my 13-year-old niece to text me some exclamation marks.  13 Ks!!!!!  Wow!!!

Carlos Lee – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer.  Guess he’s not hurt…In the literal sense.  13 homers isn’t exactly setting the world on fire like a good I Can Has Cheezburger meme.

Nick Swisher – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Has 77 RBIs and a .383 OBP on the year with 21 homers.  Really not an awful season.  Yes, when I say not awful instead of good, it’s not great.  Follow?

Alex Rodriguez – He called his thumb’s bluff with an MRI, but he still lost three to five days on the flop.

Derek Jeter – Missed yesterday and could miss the upcoming Sawx series.  In other news, Jeter and Minka Kelly broke up.  I guess Minka’s fine if you have less than 3,000 hits.  Same reason I started masturbating to hotter women after Razzball reached 3,000 page views.

Zack Cozart is a pickup in all leagues where you need a middle infidel.  Go, I’ll wait here.  *scratches chin, yawns, covers mustache with two fingers to see what I look like without it, shakes head*  Welcome back!  Cozart hit 17 homers and stole 30 bases last year.  You know who that reminds me of?  No, not you in high school.  Let it go, man.  It reminds me of Danny Espinosa.  Danny has a bit more power and a bit less speed, but tomato-tomato with a different emphasis.  Cozart also comes with the same potential to be an average drain.  Also, Espinosa and Cozart sounds like a promising TNT drama starring Freddy Prinze Jr. and Stifler.  In real baseball (which is played with more crotch scratching, but less crotch grabbing), Cozart’s just okay.  A potential 15/20 guy (over the course of a whole season) at shortstop in fantasy baseball is a yes, please and thank you.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Edinson Volquez – Optioned to Triple-A in hopes that Edinson can rediscover his electric stuff.  I have an idea for his rehab:  don’t let him pitch the first inning.

Dontrelle Willis – Will take Edinson’s spot on Sunday.  For those thinking about picking him up, I have a question for you — What’chu talkin’ about… Willis?!

Jason Heyward – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and a long overdue slam & legs.  As I was doing my top 100 for the 2nd half that will be posted next Tuesday, I was contemplating where to put Heyward because I thought he might still be injured.  This game was either a nice sign or Heyward messing with me.  Probably the former, if former means the first one.

Kyle Seager – The guy who sounds like an 80′s sitcom character is going to play the majority of 3rd base for the Mariners.  In related news, Chone Figgins will be out of baseball in less than two years.  Anyone want any action?  So Seager is a high average, just meh power and speed guy.  Kinda like a poor man’s Prado, or I guess that’s a Prado knockoff.  I’m not a huge fan of Prado so you can imagine how I feel about Seager.  It’s just a’ight in AL-Only leagues.

Jason Kendall – It looks like shoulder surgery will force him into retirement.  Much like Pudge, Kendall has moved long ago from an elite fantasy catcher.  But here are some crazy stats for you courtesy of Rudy:  Kendall is 3rd all-time amongst Catchers (80+% of games at catcher) in Hits and Times On Base (behind Pudge and Fisk).  That’s ahead of Berra, Bench, Piazza, Dickey, and Carter.  And his .366 OBP beats all the aforementioned catchers except Piazza.  He’s also 5th all time amongst all hitters in HBP.  But his lack of power puts his Wins Above Replacement lower than those catchers and a few other non-HOF catchers like Munson, Freehan, and Darrell “Big Frames” Porter.  Whew, because a Jason Kendall for HOF advocacy would be as joyless as owning him the past 7 years.  (Note from Grey:  One last time:  Much like a Ken doll, Kendall has no bat.)

Charlie Blackmon – Could miss the rest of the season with a fractured bone in his foot.  What?  This is baseball!  Not football!  (Though if you’re into fantasy football, Chet’s holding a contest where he’s giving away $300.  I’m guessing you’ll get it in unmarked pennies.  Now go check it out.)

Juan Nicasio – 2 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Mr. Obvious, “Nicasio can’t be relied on in any leagues right now.”

Wade Davis – To the 15-day DL with a forearm strain.  Maybe it was trying to be a fivearm.  Hamilton-Burrishly, Alex Cobb and Sonnanstine will now duel over Davis’s open rotation spot.

Lonnie Chisenhall – Was plunked in the face.  Eric Plunk, “You owe me a nickel for using that verb.”  Um, okay.  So this sounds like terrible news.  I’m beginning to think every hitter should wear Great Gazoo helmets.  As soon as I hear more news on Lonnie, I’ll repurpose the information with a bit of humor and let you know.

Josh Reddick – Hit his 2nd homer yesterday.  I’d say he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he’s not.  He’s here now, you need this shizz spoon-fed to you?

Andrew Miller – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 0 Ks.  He got lucky.  Now if you press your luck and start him again, you may get a whammy.

Mike Stanton – Now back-to-back games with a homer as he screamed in the baseball’s face a’la CT, “I will smoke you!”

Brad Hand – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  This comes after two starts where he didn’t get out of the fifth inning.  I’m not calling this start a liar, but I believe the last two starts more.  Also, Clay Hensley could take Hand’s spot in the rotation soon after the All-Star break.

Ben Zobrist – 8 for his last 12 with a home run yesterday.  BenZo looks to be rolling once again.

B.J. Upton – 2-for-4 with his 14th homer — not in this game, that would’ve been a record prior to the steroid era.  He also has 20 steals.  If he could just get his average up to .280, he’d be such a force.  I think I’m going all in on him next year when he’s 27.  Poppycock, you say. Okay, but what the eff is poppycock and why are you saying it?

Rich Harden – 5 IP, 5 ER.  Usually if he stays healthy, he’s dominant but this start was bleh.  Harden, “I can too stay healthy!  Ow!  I juth bit my lip when I said ‘eathy!”

Philip Humber – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  Mmm-hmm.

Max Scherzer – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 2 Ks.  Sonavabench!  Hey, I know that impersonation — it’s Liriano, and I don’t like it.

Matt Garza – 2 IP, 6 ER as the Nats had an extravaGarza.  Watch your toes, everyone.  Garza continues to take steps backwards.  Garza’s xFIP was under 3.00 before this game.  Too bad I don’t freakin’ play in a league with xFIP.  I wish he’d just have an aggressive burp, throw out his back and go to the DL.

Frank Francisco – Recorded no outs and gave up 3 earned runs.  Looks like I don’t have to be embarrassed that I tattooed Rauch’s name on my fantasy baseball team’s neck.

Carlos Villanueva – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  After the break, the Blue Kays get the Yankees, Mariners, Rangers and Orioles respectively.  If Chuck Newtown gets the M’s and O’s, then nom nom.  If he gets the Yanks and Texas, then indigestion.

Cory Luebke - 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I’m flummoxed why I have to beg people to pick up certain pitchers.  BTW, you can’t spell flummoxed without the lox, which Eli Whiteside provides.

Jered Weaver – 9 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  ERA is now at 1.86, WHIP is 0.91.  What a dream, Weaver.  The highest compliment I can give a player is, “Hey, really nice mustache.”  But my 2nd highest compliment is I wish I owned them on every team.

Jose Reyes – To the DL with his bad hamstring.  Get Michael Jackson’s old hyperbaric chamber for Jose Reyes’s hamstring!  He’s supposed to be out for three weeks now.  I hate the Mets.  Why can’t they just say when a player is going to be out for an extended period of time?  Who’s their doctor?  Dr. Rosenrosen?  Mr. Met probably has gigantism and they’re pretending he’s a cute, baseball-headed mascot.

Roger Clemens – I hope I don’t have to put an asterisk on my 1997 fantasy baseball championship.

Yesterday was Juan Rivera’s birthday.  *giggles like a schoolgirl*  Wait, I wanna think about how the Blue Jays cut Juan Rivera on his birthday.  *giggles again*  It was his birthday!  Man, that is rich.  The Blue Jays should’ve had someone tell Juan a passage from Ezekiel 25:17.  Not someone important just to rub it in further.  Someone like the guy who cleans the jock straps.  “Juan, there’s this passage I got memorized… Hold on, I have to put extra bleach on these underpants.”  So in Juan Rivera’s place is Travis Snider.  My love runs deep for Mr. Snider.  Here’s what I said in the preseason, “In 82 games, Snider hit 14 homers.  I’m not one to prorate stats unless you just have to double something, so over 164 games (assuming a four way tie for the playoffs and the Jays play two extra games and Snider plays in every single game a’la some Cal Gehrig Jr. shizz), Snider’s going to hit 28 homers!”  And that’s me quoting me!  I only go to that to give you an idea as to what he can do in half a year.  I’d grab him in every league where you need power.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jose Bautista – 2-for-4 and his 27th home run.  The real crazy thing (to me at least) is Bautista’s a first round pick next year, unless A-Rod’s cousin comes forward and says he’s related to Bautista too.

Eric Thames – Hit two home runs this weekend.  Well, la di–No, actually that’s good.  Grab him if you need power.

Cliff Lee – 7 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  Yesterday, The Adverb got modified.

Ryan Braun – Left Saturday’s game with a 22-game hitting streak and a calf strain.  He’s day-to-day as of right now (around 6:15 PM PST on Sunday).  On the hierarchy of players who get injured a lot, there’s three categories.  First category is players who are always getting hurt and missing significant time.  The category has a committee leader:  Josh Hamilton, “Ask not what your oblique can do for you, but ask what is an oblique and why can’t I stop straining it.”  Next category is players that always have at least one 15-day DL stint per year.  Heading up this category is Ryan Zimmerman, “There’s coffee and donuts in the back of the room.  Clint Barmes asked that the coffee be served lukewarm.”  Finally, there’s the category of players that are always dealing with nagging injuries, but try to play through them.  This category’s spokesman is Ryan Braun, “If anyone’s looking for Albert Pujols, he’s no longer in this category.  Also, let’s keep this brief, a lot of us are day-to-day and need to ice something.”

Brennan Boesch – Two games this weekend with a Boesch ‘n bomb.

Chris Heisey – 2-for-4 and a homer, but has only started twice in the last week.  You like him, I like him, but what did he do to get on Dusty’s bad side?  Did he steal his toothpick?  “What do you mean, you thought it was a splinter?  My best man, Don Baylor, gave me that toothpick at my wedding.”

Mark Reynolds – Hit three homers in the last two games.  All brays to Mini Donkey!

Nick Markakis – 5-for-5 yesterday and a home run on Saturday.  I am Sparkakis!  Honestly, if I owned him, I’d consider moving him in a trade.  He’s on pace for a 15/15 season.  I give that a small yay.

Chase D’Arnaud – 2-for-6 with a steal and has 4 steals in 10 games.  For those with a solar calculator on a cloudy day, which sounds like 1st draft lyrics from Alanis, 4 steals in 10 games is a lot.  If it was Eric Young Jr., you’d be so excited you’d be doing some Cirque du Soleil shizz wearing flaming leotards.  Yes, that clothing choice is a bit redundant.

Mark Melancon – 1 IP, 1 ER. Kazaam!  He’s also given up 8 runs in his last 5 appearances.  Pick up Wilton Lopez, he might be the closer by this time next week.

Josh Reddick – Did nothing yesterday but ever since Mike Cameron was designated for the assignment to stop sucking, Reddick’s been playing and hitting well (over .400 in the last week).

Ivan Nova – That bright star Nova is off to a galaxy far, far away in Triple-A Scranton/Wilkes-Barre, which either can’t make up its mind which city it’s in or the stadium is mobile.  Why do you care about Ivan Nova, you ask.  I answer, it means Yanks are about to *wink, wink* Phil up their pitching staff.

Freddy Garcia – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners and a K.  Having a better season than Zack Greinke.  Fantasy baseball:  helping prematurely balding men lose their hair faster.

Rodrigo Lopez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I have one word to describe Rodrigo Lopez — notverygood.

Johnny Damon – 7 for his last 9.  Plus, girls tend to like Johnny Damon, so if you pick him up, you and your lady friend will have something to talk about.

Hanley Ramirez – If I had known the reaction Hanley would’ve had to me writing a Buy post on him, I would’ve wrote it two months ago.  If only I had fed Morneau’s ego rather than continuing to knock him…

Mark Ellis – 2 homers and 8-for-15 since the trade.  Someone’s enjoying their new environs.  If you’re hurting at middle infidel, there’s no reason to not take the flyer.  BTW, environs is such a douchey word it wears Affliction.

Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-4 with a homer and 6 RBIs, but was carted off the field after he crashed into the wall.  Oh, no, CartGo.  Gasp!  Shudder.  Yikes City, Colo-ruh-oh.  However, the x-rays came back negative and he shouldn’t need a DL stint.

Jose Reyes – Day-to-day with a Grade 1 strain of his hammy.  He’s on the cusp of moving into Zimmerman’s category of injured players.

Matt Capps – He simultaneously sucked and blew on Saturday; his 6th Capps-sizing of the year.  Then on Sunday, he was removed after one out and the Twins went with Glen Perkins and his orchestra of pitches for the save.  Yet, Gardy said that Capps is his closer for now.  Pretty sure the emphasis was on “for now” and not “closer.”  If you’re save digging, Nathan’s a potential nugget.

Jayson Werth – Was hit by a pitch on his wrist and left the game, but didn’t want to get X-rays, saying, “X-rays are for people who want to make sure they’re healthy so they can play well and earn a big contract.”

Melky Cabrera – 4-for-5, 5 RBIs and 2 homers.  The only way Melky’s season could be going any better is if his last name was Furbush.

Eric Hosmer – 4-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer.  At 21, he’s actually doing really well so far.  If he takes a step forward next year, he should be a top 10 1st baseman which is nothing to sneeze at, unless you’re allergic to that sorta thing.

Max Scherzer – 2 IP, 6 ER.  He’s now been rocked by the far-from-intimidating Giants, Dodgers and Twins.  Does he feel bad for these weak offenses and he’s being an ubermensch?  Doesn’t seem uber possible.  I’d lose him in shallower mixed leagues and bench him in deeper ones.  He’s unstartable right now everywhere.

Fausto Carmona – To the 15-day DL with a strained right quad.  His left quad said this, “Get better, I’m sick of supporting his ass!”