I wish I knew what Donnie Baseball was doing, he says what he doesn’t mean but means what he doesn’t say. I personally think we need to get Rand Paul involved in this and get some filibustering going. Maybe Magic can open a movie theater or something to show us a preview of what is actually going to happen. Well my theory is this, Donnie is a player’s manager and doesn’t wanna step on anyone’s feelings, so instead he will have no common decency and piss all over everyone’s fantasy teams. He kinda makes me feel the same way I felt when I watched Iron Eagle for the first time and I really thought Chappy died. Cheated is the reference, if that movie escapes you. So for my own personal rankings below I have inserted Kenley into the chart, while I am not completely sold that we know which way is loose. So screw it, it’s my list so I am placing him there just like the Gideons place bibles.
Also this week you will notice a huge uptick in the rankings for Edward Mujica, let’s just say I am a believer in his capability for the remainder of the season. He is having a season eerily similar to Rafa Soriano last year after Mo went all gimpy. The Cardinals starters lead the league in wins, length of starts and ERA (by a great margin), this all translates to great opportunities for a closer’s success.
This upcoming week will also see the return of Andrew Bailey as the Red Sox closer. He is scheduled to throw a simulated game today and will be available to come off the DL on Monday. If all goes to plan anyways. Junichi Tazawa has been in the role and seen a total of zero save chances. All those hard earned FAAB/waiver wire adds for not. All is not for not, double negatives are fun, as I wouldn’t drop him unless completely forced too just yet. Bailey is a walking boo-boo and should walk around with a helmet or inside a bubble, so hold onto Junichi for a few days until Bailey gets his training wheels off again.
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.
Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.
14. Rafael Betancourt (-2) (Rex Brothers, Matt Belisle, Wilton Lopez)
I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Carlos Marmol– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Castro in the head with a pick-off throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.
23. Bobby Parnell ( +5) (Brandon Lyon, Frank Francisco – INJ)
29. Jose Veras (+1) (Hector Ambriz, Travis Blackley, Paul Clemens)