Here’s a post I haven’t done in some time. I stopped doing the top 5 designated hitters a few years ago because there was only one guy, Papi Grande, that was only eligible at DH that was worth discussing. Then last year happened, and Ron Blomberg finally had something to talk about again at the bingo hall. “If you wanna sit by your bingo cards while I come in and hit them with the marker for you, I can do that.” That’s Blomberg keeping his DH muscles on the ready. All of the 2016 fantasy baseball rankings are under that rather self-explanatory link. As with all other posts, I say when tiers start and stop and give you my projections. If you want, here’s the 2016 position eligibility chart that doesn’t contain any of the guys in this post. Anyway, here’s the top 5 designated hitters for 2016 fantasy baseball:
1. Miguel Sano – This is the first tier. This tier goes from here to here. I call this tier, “Yes, I think Sano will get eligibility at some point early in the season; you can stop asking now.” Honestly, really, literally, clunky sentence opening, I’m kinda doing this whole post because I wanted to talk about Sano. Sure, A-Rod, Papi and Kendrys could have value, but Sano is a 35-homer hitter that is 22 years old. That’s something something. Not a little something something, either. For each blurb, I zero in one stat. Sometimes I balloon out to other stats if it’s needed. For Sano, I went straight to his 35.5% strikeout percentage. Since 2000, only one player had a 35.5% or higher strikeout percentage over a full season, Chris Carter in 2013 who hit .223 that year. Sesame Street breakdown: When you’re striking out more than a third of the time, you can’t hit for a good average. This was brought to you by the letter K. Last year, Sano hit .269. Do you know how Sano hit for such a high average? He had a .396 BABIP. For those that don’t understand or care to know BABIP, I’ll make it simple. Everything Sano hit last year found a hole or a bleacher seat. A high BABIP either means a hitter was lucky, they’re fast or hit the ball hard. Sano is not fast, he was lucky and hit the ball hard. Since he hits the ball so hard, he could have a higher than average BABIP, but .396 isn’t higher than average, it’s obscene. He could’ve easily hit .190 last year. No one seems to be talking about this. I Googled “Sano strikeout percentage” and found a Bleacher Report article titled, Miguel Sano is Great and Here’s a Slideshow to Prove It. I then Googled “Miguel Sano” “Strikeout Percentage,” and I found two articles and one was written by me in 2014. Not even joking. Then, I opened up my search to “Sano strikeouts” and I found lots of results. I don’t mention this because it’s my only Google history I can talk about. I’m talking about it because no one else is. Sano is a bad luck streak away from hitting .175 in the majors. Sano connected with only 33.8% of pitches outside of the strike zone. One player in the last 15 years has been that bad, Wily Mo Pena. Last year, Melvin Upton connected with 41.2%. Previously, Upton connected with 55.3% of pitches outside the zone in his career. Sano makes Melvin Upton’s wild swing look like he studied under Charley Lau. Sano isn’t just bad with pitches outside the strike zone. He’s historically bad. It took me five minutes to figure this out. How long do you think it’s going to take major league pitchers and Sano never sees another strike? Say Opening Day? I’m not sure how Steamer is projecting Sano for a .255 average. Sano hit .236 in Double-A! Yeah, have fun on someone else’s fantasy team this year. 2016 Projections: 62/32/77/.231/4
2. David Ortiz – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until A-Rod. I call this tier, “You can watch Classic ESPN and see some highlights for these guys.” Between you and me, I didn’t think we’d ever finish Sano’s blurb. Everyone knows Ortiz, so on a related note: Ortiz or Fred McGriff in the Hall of Fame? Right now, their career stats: 1340/503/1641/.284/15 with a .378 OBP for Ortiz. McGriff’s: 1349/493/1550/.284/72 with a .377 OBP. You didn’t think it was that close, did you? Ortiz DH’d, McGriff taught defensive fundamentals with Tom Emanski. Nikki Minaj sung about Ortiz, McGriff probably listens to country music. McGriff barely received 20% of the vote at the peak of his induction candidacy. I bet Ortiz gets in. Things that make you go hmm… 2016 Projections: 62/25/86/.268
3. Kendrys Morales – Every once in a while a hitter gets a huge number of RBIs compared to how many they should get. My new glossary term for that is exoRBItant. Last year, Morales had an exoRBItant year. You can not expect that to happen again. He could easily regress to 75 RBIs, which isn’t awful, until it’s with his bleh 20 HRs and .270 average. 2016 Projections: 65/20/83/.274
4. Alex Rodriguez – Last year, A-Rod’s stats were 83/33/86/.250/4. He spent half the season as a 40-year-old. What does this mean? The science of making steroids is moving faster than the science to detect them. I can’t wait for the awkward celebration when A-Rod passes Barry Bonds’s home run record. You know where they’ll be celebrating it? In Jersey City. Those people are the worst celebrators. Right, Trump? Tace Bell should give out a free taco to everyone in the US when A-Rod passes Bonds. Only the taco has been passed first through Bartolo’s colon two days prior. (Yeah, like it only takes two days to get through Colon’s colon.) As for A-Rod, I can’t imagine he repeats last year, but I didn’t think he would’ve been able to do that either. 2016 Projections: 59/21/69/.252/3
5. Billy Butler – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until the end of the list. I call this tier, “Should be ‘Designated (For Assignment) Hitters.'” As for Butler, see the image at the end of the post. 2016 Projections: 55/13/62/.254
6. John Jaso – Just as Kendrys said after a few years that his name wasn’t Kendry but was Kendrys, I’m waiting for the moment when we hear, “No, my real name is Jason Joh.” 2016 Projections: 42/7/51/.269/2
