Forgive me, dear reader, for coursing through my veins is the work of pharmaceutical geniuses, and medical marvel that this vaccine is, it fogs my mind like the finest product of the poppy flowers of the Far East.
But I have contracted with the publisher of this revered issuance to isochronal editorials on the state of the RazzSlam. And so here we are.
The first month of the baseball season, and therefore the RazzSlam, has come and gone, more or less. To what have we so far borne witness?
The Unprophesied Ascendancy of Yermin Mercedes
Raise your hand if White Stockings designated hitter Yermin Mercedes was on your radar before the commencement of the 2021 campaign.
Now put that filthy meathook down, you inveterate liar!
No one saw this coming. The South Side phenom, who before this season sported a Major League career of precisely one plate appearance (in which he failed to reach base) is now hitting .432. His pace stands at approximately 30 home runs, after managing just 20 per 600 PA in the lower leagues. He does have a career .302 average in the minors, so hitting for contact is not totally foreign to The Yerminator.
Still, he remains a prime example of the kind of surprise that would make auteur of the silver screen, M. Night Shyamalan, jump in disbelief.
It remains to be seen if Mercedes is the genuine article, or if he’s the latest incarnation of 2006 Chris Shelton, who hit 10 home runs in April, only to finish the season with just 16.
Byron Buxton Finally Arrives
This former number one prospect has never managed better than a .262 average, nor more than 16 home runs in a season. Every year the believers tell us THIS SEASON, surely, will be BUXTON SZN, while the naysayers continue saying “nay” and declaring the player a bust, career ended before it truly began.
He is, dear reader, merely 27 years old this year.
And now, sporting a .438 average, and hitting 8 home runs in just 68 trips to the plate (a full-season pace of an almost-record-breaking 70 dongs), Buxton leads the major leagues in WAR at 2.1, putting him on pace for about 15 at season’s end, which would top Babe Ruth’s 1923 campaign for the most of all time.
So, if you find him among your rostered talent… well… bully for you.
The Mets Hate Jacob deGrom
Never has there been a man comprised simultaneously of such talent, and the hate and derision of his teammates, than Jacob Anthony deGrom. The Mets hate him. They loathe him. The players on the Mets not named Jacob deGrom despise Jacob deGrom.
What?
Well then, how would you explain their complete and total inability to play baseball each time the greatest pitcher their franchise has seen since Tom Seaver takes the mound? Hmm? Explain it to me.
deGrom has a 2-2 record in 5 starts. Mediocre at best by that measure. In the two games that deGrom “earned” the loss, the Mets scored a grand total of– go ahead, dear and loyal reader, wager a guess– yes. Zero runs. ZERO.
Poor Jacob Anthony deGrom has an ERA of 0.51. A WHIP of 0.57. 59 strikeouts in just 35 innings pitched. An ERA+ of 744!!! Why… oh WHY… do his teammates hate him with such vigor, abhor his existence with such vitriol?
The world may never know.
Injuries, Injuries, Injuries
Trips to the Injured List sure seem plentiful these days, do they not?
They are.
In fact, 31 players have spent the entirety of the 30-day-old season on the “10-day” Injured List.
Why does the league even entertain the existence of a quote-unquote “10-day” list on which players may spend an entire month?
Who Leads The RazzSlam?
And now, to the contest at hand.
After a month of play, and with the first of two FAAB sessions having passed, how stands the top of the RazzSlam standings?
In first place, Brian Seymour, he of the Roto Wager podcast, has amassed 2,552 points. With surprise standouts like Yadier Molina, Alex Verdugo, and Jesse Winker, coupled with a balanced and surprising in its own right pitching staff (starring, as it were, Christian Javier, John Means, and Kyle Gibson), Mr. Seymour’s hold on first place may be tenuous, but it is to date well-earned.
In second position, FSWA Award-winning writer for Rotogrinders, Sammy Reid. Mark Melancon shocks the world by headlining this pitching staff alongside Clayton Kershaw, and the lineup, anchored by Halos teammates Shohei Ohtani and Mike Trout, also features breakout star Nick Solak and aging– but still very viable– cornerman Yuli Gurriel.
Coming in third to date, is Rotoballer’s Ellis Canady. This squad leads from the plate, rather than the rubber, featuring the aforementioned Solak and Byron “1923 Babe Ruth” Buxton alongside the superhuman Ronald Acuna and the phenom Bo Bichette. So powerful is this team’s lineup, in fact, that it is the only RazzSlam batallion to outscore Seymour’s top team on the offensive side of the game.
Fourth is another Rotoballer contributor, Nick Mariano. Just Dongs Martinez and Jesus Aguilar are the less-expected high-powered offensive contributors here, but the presence of one Fernando Tatis Jr. cannot be ignored. Fantasitc starting pitching keeps Mariano high in the standings, led from the front by Trevor Bauer, Brandon Woodruff, and Joe “No Hitter” Musgrove.
Fifth in the standings but first in our hearts here at Razzball is our own Coolwhip. Trea Turner and JDM join Mitch Haniger’s career pace and the continued development of Rafael Devers. On the mound, the inimitable Corbin Burnes leads this squad, and his performance is indeed leading, as the next-best pitchers here are Alex Wood and Marcus Stroman. Coolwhip better hope his team keeps hitting…
Yours truly, dear reader, sits at an abysmal 228th place of 240 competitors. Most of my team has horrendously underperformed, with the exceptions of Gerrit Cole, Jack Flaherty, Shohei Ohtani and Jared Walsh. However, because I also roster Yordan Alvarez, Ohtani has not scored as many points for me as he has for Mr. Reid up there in 2nd place.
And that’s where we stand. I will check back in with you all at another month’s end.
Until then,
Eternall yours,
— Bob Allison Chains
