Fantasy Baseball Advice

So this is a fun story for you.  When I was a kid, I played 2nd base.  Was one of those pesky slap hitters that annoyed the pitchers.  I led the way for Orlando Hudson.  Call me Orlando Oldson.  At the age of twelve, I never struckout once.  All season.  That’s how Oldson did.  Then when I turned thirteen, I sucked.  I couldn’t hit the broadside of a barn.  If they didn’t have to play every kid, I would’ve never seen any PT.  At one point, I had a friend promise to throw the ball right down the middle just so I could get one hit for the year.  And that was what I finished with.  One hit.  So wha’ happened?  Where did Oldson disappear to?  Well, going into that year, I discovered girls.  And all of their fleshy parts.  But I also needed glasses.  Who was I?  Chris Sabo?  Chris Sabo got laid once.  And he paid for it.  So I took the easy way out and never wore my glasses.  My baseball career paid for it big time.  But I touched a boob!  This brings me to Brian McCann.  He’s supposed to be returning.  Stat, doc.  You know what catchers need?  Rest.  You know what McCann’s had a lot of?  Mmm-hmm.  See where I’m going with this?  Of course you do.  You gots smarts!  So McCann had a terrible first month of April.  Tizz-errible.  Well, he couldn’t see like Oldson and his luck (BABIP) was in the shizzer too.  Now as long as he’s not embarrassed to wear glasses around Frenchy, he should be fine.  So potatoes to chips, he’s still a guy that can hit 20 HRs and bat .290.  Buy, snitches!  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy and sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Josh Whitesell – Starting the Buys with a -Sell?  Oh, Grey! Lots of Ks in the minors for Whitesell, but also a solid OBP.  Did someone say Dunn?  No?  I thought I heard that.  No?  Good, because that would be oversellling -Sell.

Chris Coghlan – I love the ‘lins!  I really do.  They have no problem promoting anyone.  So Coghlan can play at the hot corner, 2nd base and the outfield.  My guess is he’ll primarily see time at 3rd base so they can bench the guy who’s playing there now that is actually a pinch runner.  He could spell Maybin and Uggla on occasion.  Coghlan, besides having the weirdest name to spell outside of Buehrle, can steal bases and has a bit of power.  Think 15 HRs, 25 steals.  The steals could come easier at first.  He’s a must pursue in NL-Only.  But because his position is shallow, I’d immediately look at him in deep mixed leagues.

Juan Pierre – SAGNOF!

Michael Bourn – See 1/18th of an inch above.

Alexei Ramirez – Now you can get him for even cheaper as his owners begin to panic at The (Jayson) Nix Experiment™.  I still believe he’ll come around.

Elvis Andrus – Has been batting 2nd recently.  That’s a boon to his value.  (A boon is a positive, but Andrus is in the Buy section so context clues should help you there.)

Chris Ray – He will eventually lead the Orioles in saves.  Sure, that may only be 12 saves…

Andrew Bailey – The A’s are saying he’s going to be looked at for the closer role.  Honestly, you don’t even need to know if he’s any good to pick him up if he could be the closer, but he is good.

Mark Melancon – Mo’s Better Meaty Meat Shoulder is hurting.  Melancon could see some saves short term if Mariano’s hurting. (UPDATE:  In a bizarre move, the Yanks optioned Melancon to the minors right after this was posted.  Guess they have Mo faith than I.)

John Grabow - Capps has a minor elbow issue.  Are pitchers ever okay when they have anything wrong with their elbow?  I see a trip to the Disgraceful List in Capps’s future.

Scott Hairston – Hitting 3rd for the Padres.  Faint endorsement for Hairston, major indictment of the Padres.

Jesus Guzman – With Aurilla and Ishikawa’s careers in the toilet and nobody flushing, how long until Guzman floats to the surface?

Jimmy Rollins – Sitting on a 13/1/7/.213/1 line.  Wheels have come off Rollins, fo’ diggity.  Unless he has a mysterious ankle injury that he’s not talking about, he’ll get better.

SELL

Jair Jurrjens – His K/BB rate is terrible, and his ERA will regress. But ya’ll didn’t think Jar-Jar would give you a 2.00 ERA all year anyway, did you?  Don’t trade him for a bag of boiled peanuts, but I’d explore options.  As they don’t say, the best is not yet to come.

Scott Kazmir – It seems like he’s headed for Junksville.  In my top 20 starter for 2009 post, I put Kazmir in a tier of pitchers I would never own.  Unfortunately, I co-drafted with Rudy and have Kazmir on one team.  *shakes fist at sky*  Rudy!

Jeff Weaver – Make sure when looking at trade offers you’re not thrown by the ol’ Je. Weaver trick.

Omar Infante – Hey, he’s playing! But, hey, he sucks.  Oh.

Scott Richmond – If you can pawn him off for any piece whatsoever, do it.  He’s really not this good.  In fact, there’s a good chance he’s going to be awful.

Chad Tracy – With the recall of Josh Whitesell, Tracy’s time is getting pinched.

Chris Dickerson – Losing time to Laynce Nix.  Wow, this was a big week in the Nix household.  BTW, what’s with the Y’s in their first names?  Layme.

Dallas Braden – Has been solid so far with a 2.50 ERA and 1.39 WHIP.  Whoa.  1.39 WHIP is smoke.  Yup, there’s a ‘too many walks’ fire burning in 3 of the last 4 starts.  A bottle of Liquid Paper may get dumped on his ERA any start now.

Manny Ramirez – A female fertility drug?  Even as he breaks our hearts, he makes us smile.  Now don’t sell him too cheaply, but I’d explore options.  Remember, by the time Manny returns, he may be in his 2nd trimester.

Chris Davis has 42 Ks in 88 ABs.  That’s a pace of about 300 Ks.  Not sure he gets there, but Mark Reynolds should be worried about his strikeout record.  Back when I called Chris Davis a poor man’s Mark Reynolds, everyone and there’s Momma’s boyfriend wanted some Davis action.  Back in June of 2008, when Davis was called up, I said, “(It) doesn’t mean he will strikeout 250 times and hit 50 HRs, but it gives you a bit of an idea of what kind of player he is.”  Actually, he may strikeout 250 times.  And that’s me quoting me linking to me and correcting me!  I’m not saying any of this to push people to trade him away, but I think a lot of people thought they were getting a .300 hitter in Davis.  He’s not.  Average is a bit of a fluky thing, but, with the way Davis is striking out, he’s looking like a .240-.250 hitter.  I still think as the weather heats up the homers will be flying, but check your expectations.  Anyway, here’s what we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Grady Sizemore – Sizemore got caught stealing for the 4th time yesterday in 9 tries.  Last year he only was caught 5 times out of 44 tries.  Grady hasn’t had this much trouble getting to 2nd base since he was a sophomore in high school and was still being ridiculed as Gravy Friesmore. The Cleveland GM Mark Shapiro is one of the more analytical GMs out there – don’t be surprised if they pull the reins in on ol’ Grady, unless he shows he can steal at a 70+% clip.

Eric Bedard – Rudy said this yesterday morning, “Yeah, the Rangers are a bitch to face even when they’re on the road.  That said, you shouldn’t bench Bedard.  Against the Rangers, he’s good for 7+ Ks”.   Rudy must have a way with Canadians because Bedard delivered 7 IP and 7 Ks.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Grand slam yesterday.  Again, this is why you just put a catcher in there and slowly back away.

Nelson Cruz – 3-for-5, 7th homer.  As I’ve said before, I don’t think it stops.

Kenshin Kawakami – He was dropped in my 16 team league.  And he stayed on waivers.  Sometimes the most significant action is the one not taken. – Grey Albright.  (But he might be cribbing that quote and just doesn’t remember.  He’s also talking in 3rd person right now.)

Felipe Lopez – Day-to-day with a sore ankle.  Hmm… Felimpy?

Julian Tavarez – 1/3 IP, 3 ER. Yeah, I’m done with Tavarez.  He can save the next 20 games for the Nats (which would take him to about September) and I’m not picking him up again.  Hanrahananan, who also wasn’t great yesterday, might get another shot, but, like most Nats pitchers, if they’re not pitching, they’re the most valuable so Beimel’s looking the best right now.

Jorge Posada – On the DL with a sore hamstring.  Posada was heavily discounted in many drafts this year with the assumption he’d miss a lot of time.  Figure you drafted him thinking he’d get 4-6 weeks vacation.  This is just part of the employment package for a 36-year old catcher…

B.J. Upton – 1-for-4, bringing him to .157 on the season with no homers and 4 RBIs.  Yeah, that’s terrible.  We wouldn’t be surprised if Joe Maddon shot his shoulder up with cortisone next time he gave him an encouraging pat.

Emmanuel Burriss – Webster stole his 8th base yesterday.  It’s not pretty, but it’s three more than Jose Reyes.

Alberto Callaspo – HR yesterday, hitting .379 through 80+ ABs.  This is why I was annoyed last year when the Royals were playing Grudzielanek. (Yes, I needed to look up the spelling.  Cut me some slack!)  So who or what is this Callaspo?  He’s a light power and speed middle infielder who should have a decent average.  Say Callaspolanco.

Roy Oswalt – Bruised finger forced him out of the game.  Said to be day-to-day.  He better have an excuse for giving up all of those runs to the Nats.

Gavin Floyd/Kyle Davies – 5 IP, 6 ER and 4 IP, 6 ER, respectively.  Hope everyone’s already chucked these two turd sandwiches.

Joba Chamberlain – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 12 Ks.  It didn’t start pretty, but it sure did end up that way. With 12 of the last 14 outs coming on strikeouts.

Max Scherzer – Going from Joba to Jobacum, Scherzer threw 6 innings and gave up 2 earned, but he will never win a game.

Jeff Weaver – 5 IP, 1 ER.  Outpitched Scherzer, or did he?  I think Jered Weaver pulled the ol’ Alex P. Keaton tie switching trick and pitched for his big bro.

Brad Ziegler – Pitched a perfect inning of relief yesterday.  Oh, well.  I was looking forward to the TV movie of the week with Freddie Prinze Jr. documenting Ziegler’s “flu.”

Josh Greer/Aaron Cook – Both pitched 8 innings, gave up five hits and one run apiece.  According to Elias Sports Bureau, this is the first time two pitchers had near-identical pitching lines.  Actually, they didn’t say that.  But heard in the Elias Sports Bureau office last week was, “For the first time in over a year, Bill in accounting didn’t purposely staple his finger to get out of a board meeting. Instead, he chose to slam his hand into a filing cabinet.”

George Sherrill – The Orioles have been seeking consistency in their pitching and now they have it as their bullpen is as unreliable as their starters. The O’s said they were going to a closer by committee. To get on this closerousel, you need Sherrill, Ray, Johnson and Baez, in that order.

Edinson Volquez – 8 IP, 0 ER.  Against a young, free swinging team, Volquez is your man.  And he still walked four.  As for WWDD?  Or “What Would Dusty Do?”  After the 7th inning, Volquez had already thrown 100 pitches.  Do you bring him out for the 8th inning in a blowout?  Of course Dusty Do!

Adam Wainwright – 5 IP, 7 ER.  He avoided the wrath of Ibanez, Howard, and Utley (not in the lineup) but couldn’t stop the Flyin’ Hawaiian (HR, 3 RBI ) or J-Werth (HR, 4 RBI ).  Still, Wainwright is a must-start everywhere except maybe COL or until LaRussa makes an everyday player out of him.

Curtis Granderson – 9th HR yesterday.  Well, la di da!  Wasn’t he supposed to do this shizz last year?  Guess he never got the memo.  I blame the messenger.

Rick Porcello – 7 IP, 0 ER.  Was a good matchup for him and he’s good for matchups, so there’s that.

Maggilio Ordonez – Batting .232 on the season.  If Ordonez gets hurt, they should replace him with a guy whose last name is Derson.  Then they can have the Russian Doll Outfield – Granderson, Anderson, Derson.

Hey, Matt Holliday finally hit a homer!  Please don’t tell me this is gonna be negative! Sorry, random italicized voice.  If you look at Holliday’s peripheral numbers you would see a guy that is more or less in line with his norms.  Now here’s the real kick in the nads.  He’s K’ing and walking less.  So what do I take away from that?  Trouble.  To me this means, Holliday is seeing more pitches to hit because AL pitchers haven’t been worried about him and rather than making them pay, Holliday’s putting the ball into play in the form of a flyout or groundout.  He’s hitting a bit fewer line drives than normal so that means his average may go up a bit, but I don’t think we see the .330 we were accustomed to in Colorado.  Now that he hit a homer, see if you can convince someone Holliday’s back from, uh, holiday.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Matt Garza – 7 2/3 IP, 2 baserunners.  Sonavabench!  This is the problem with Garza.  He instills so little confidence.  We’ll see what he does next time out.  I got suspicions.

Josh Beckett – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  Even the AL pitchers I like give me agita.  This is why I own Wolf, Paulino and Gaudin and have cast aside Carmona and Davies.  I’m convinced, it’ll make for longer life expectancy.

Julian Tavarez – 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  Maybe he should’ve screamed nicely at the ball last night.

Joel Hanrahan – Quick actin’ Acta brought Hanrahanananan in to relieve Tavarez.  I’m close to calling uncle here.

Ryan Zimmerman – Another HR as he approaches his total from last year.  Well, not really but it feels that way.

Aramis Ramirez – Cubs said he will avoid the DL.  Hopefully, it’s that and not, he’ll avoid the DL for ten days then play one game then go on the DL.  Cause I’m not a fan of the 2nd option.

Jeff Weaver – 4 IP, 0 ER.  Guess what, Mom?  Your number one is back!  What?  You missed my game because you were resting up to watch Jered tomorrow?  Oh.  Yeah, I like his hair too.

Chris Volstad – 7 IP, 2 ER. Wasn’t an easy matchup, but pitched very well.  I’m convinced the Marlins have the best scouts in baseball.  They are so cheap… How cheap are they?  They got rid of Josh Willingham because he was too expensive. But they always seem to put a decent product on the field.

Sean Marshall – 7 IP, 1 ER.  I liked him coming into the year, but then when he didn’t pitch until the middle of the month I had to move on.  Now he’s at 19 IP and a 3.32 ERA with 15 Ks on the year.

Jorge Cantu – Another HR.  Where ya at, Nick Swisher?

Mike Napoli – Hit his 4th home run yesterday.  This is why you ignore playing time and just put him in your catcher’s slot.

Huston Street – He might already be back in the closer’s picture.  That picture obviously isn’t pretty, but SAGNOF.

John Buck – Two triples.  5 RBIs.  I haven’t seen that much hustling from a guy named Buck since Midnight Cowboy.

Jesus Flores – Delivered a teabagger right in Joe Thurston’s face.

Mark Teahen – 8 runs for the Royals and he goes 0-for-5 with 1 Run.  What a ticker tease!

Mitchell Boggs – Has there ever been a more lawyery sounding pitcher than Mitchell Boggs.  Mitchell Boggs – Attorney at Law.  I can hear dear Phil Hartman’s faux sincere tone being his voice.  In his 2nd game started, he fanned 9 Nationals.  Granted, the batting practice pitcher does that every day before the game but still.  His minor league record indicates 5th starter (on an MLB team not fantasy team) at least for this year but he’s worth stashing in an NL-only team.

Dallas Braden – 5 “scoreless” innings. Quotes because Sweeney robbed Kinsler of a three-run homer.

Max Scherzer – You can’t K as many guys as him and Kershaw and not have breakout potential.

Chris Carpenter – May be back by late-May as he ran without pain.  May! (Rule of 3’s)

Eric Chavez – Headed to the DL.  Looks like someone was jealous of all the attention Nomar was getting.

Juan Cruz – Save as he fills in for Soria.  Soria’s supposed to come back, but that doesn’t mean he will.  Remember these clubs play fast and loose with the truth.

Chorizo – Still hasn’t won a race in Milwaukee this year.  Something smells fishy!  Wait, that’s the seafood paella!