Fantasy Baseball Advice

I almost made Tim Lincecum today’s Buy.  His FIP really isn’t bad.  He just always seems to have one bad inning.  His numbers with men in scoring position:  .346/.471/.547 vs. .243/.313/.379 with none on.  But I’m not going to tell you to Buy Lincecum.  I’m not sticking my neck out for him!  He smokes marijuana!  Now, Roy Oswalt I can get lukewarm about!  How’s dem apples?  Mildly delicious!  You do have to think Lincecum can come around though, right?  Forget him!  We’re through talking about him.  We’re talking about that handsome man riding a tractor, wearing $400 overalls.  “Roy, when you chew straw, you ever feel like neighing?”  “Never, Billy.”  That’s Roy talking to Billy, who lives next door from him, and they share a special bond because their bathroom windows face each other from across the yard.  It’s like American Beauty, but less beauty and more horses.  American Black Beauty, that’s what they call it.  But, really, don’t you think Lincecum’s at least worth a roll of the die if you can get him cheap enough?  Forget Lincecum!  We’re not talking about him.  We are talking about Roy Oswalt.  Yeah, he’s about to sign with someone.  I think he can get around a 3.75 ERA, solid WHIP and a 7-ish K-rate, i.e., AKA, vis-à-vis, ergo, henceforth, where’d the rest of this sentence go, a number four fantasy starter.  But what about Lincecum?!  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Elliot Johnson – He’s 28 years old.  I can almost guarantee you his parents named him after the kid in E.T.  While Longoria is on Reese’s, Elliot’s piecing together a solid couple of weeks.  What?  Terrible?

Zack Cozart – I left a special place next to my no-no area just for Cozart.  Glad to have you back, now please hit 4 homers this weekend.  Thank you!

Alexi Amarista – I could’ve put Everth Cabrera here, and, I kinda just did.  Small booya with a side of you’re welcome.

Ernesto Frieri – I went over my Ernesto Frieri fantasy yesterday.  If you look at Frieri from the back, he looks like Anne Burrell.

Tyler Clippard – Here’s what I think happened.  Davey Johnson realized about a month and a half ago he should’ve went with Clippard as his closer as soon as Storen was hurt.  Everyone said it should be Clippard.  On March 23rd, I said, “In all but the shallowest leagues, I’d grab Tyler Clippard, who sounds like a captain in the America’s Cup.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Rather than admitting he goofed, Davey went with Rodriguez long enough so everyone would forget that Clippard was the option everyone said he should go with originally.

James Russell – A)  The Cubs don’t get save chances.  B) Marmol will return and probably shoved back in the role even if he’s hot garbage again.  C) There’s no C.  No foolin’ here, don’t own Russell outside of very deep leagues.

R.A. Dickey – I don’t like knuckleballing, not because I’m worried it’ll make you go blind, but the pitchers don’t always have control over the pitch.  You start a knuckleballer and the wind is wrong and he gives up 4 runs in the 1st inning.  With that said (here’s where I reverse course), Dickey’s pitching about as well as anyone.

Ryan Vogelsong – Have I been playing down Vogelsong by calling him the equivalent of elevator music because of his lack of excitement, while putting his value to sleep?  Look up his ERA and WHIP, now look at the last man on your staff.  Ah, Simon never said to do that.

Felipe Paulino – You know what his name translates to?  Phil Paul, the (Fielding) Independent pitcher of a 2.01, 10+ K-rate and who only 9% of the population is interested in.  No idea why.  So I’m stumped and stumping.

Anthony Bass – I told you to grab him in April, but I don’t know anything, right?  Okay, if you answered in the affirmative and affirmative means what I think it does, then what are you doing reading this?  Killing time in a doctor’s office?  Your PO forcing you to read it?

Felix Doubront – Hey, it’s the guy that wrote Shawshank!  Very cool.  I wonder if Stephen King recruited him.  Probably not, but I still wonder.  I’m a wonderer, a wonderer… Okay, so I trust Doubront as far as I can throw him, but since he’s 165 pounds I can probably shot put him about five feet — I got guns!  In a sea of blech, as the Red Sox should call their staff, Doubront has strung together some solid starts and has a K-rate over 9 and a xFIP of 3.58.  His walks look like they crawled through a river of filth, but I’d give him a chance in mixed leagues.

Anthony Rizzo – I told you to pick him up last week and now he’s at 2% owned.  Hey, we’re the two percenters!

Matt Adams – Did anyone get our title the other day, “Cards Call Up M. Adams, Hopin’ To Get Lucky?”  M. Adams = madams.  Isn’t it fun when I spell shizz out four days later?  That post is still poppin’ fresh like the Doughboy, who Adams looks like, so there’s my Matt Adams fantasy.

Yan Gomes – You know there’s a Gomes out there with the first name Jahnee.  And there’s probably an Ohnny too.  Yanny has nice power, and could hit a trunkload of homers, because all Blue Jays seem capable of that.

Josh Bell - I’m curious to see Josh Bell over the course of a full season, because I think he could strikeout 275 times.  On a related note, who’s the Diamondbacks’ minor league hitting coach, Dave Kingman?  Bell does have an everyday job and some pop.  I grabbed him in one league, FWIWuertz.

Xavier Avery – I told you to pick him up last week.  Don’t make me go back there!

Daniel Nava – In today’s meeting of non-beNava’rs, we will be reading from Christopher Hitchens unpublished manuscript, A-Gon Is Not Great.

SELL

Rafael Furcal – His BABIP over the last few years is .296.  His BABIP this year is .373.  His expected average is .273.  Maybe you’re asking yourself if I do such complex math in my head or on my Casio calculator watch?  Neither, friend.  It’s on our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater.  Also, Furcal breaks down because he has old man legs.  So Will Be Gimpy + Inflated Average = A Toothless B.J. Upton.  Whoa!  That was not what I expected.  It was supposed to add up to Sell.

Edwin Encarnacion – Edwin’s expected average is around what his average is now, so that’s copacetic.  You know what else is copacetic?  The word copacetic.  Has there ever been a word that fit so perfectly it’s meaning.  The cop is on the settee, you crazy Chinookers.  One thing that isn’t copacetic, Edwin Encarnacion.  Do the Blue Jays have a sign on their door that says, “Bring us your unwanted third basemen and we’ll turn them into homer machines?”  Right now, Edwin’s hitting everything in the air and all of it is going out of the park.  Ground out much?  No, no he doesn’t.  Line drive much?  Nopacetic.  At this point, we have to assume 30 homers from him.  He’s got 14 with 117 games to go.  I’m not going to try any math because of what happened in the last blurb, but it looks like you have a guy that has nearly half of his homers already and still a ton of games.  I wouldn’t sell him for an evening with Richard Simmons, but I’d explore options.

Lance without an ACL isn’t NE good.  With a torn meniscus, Lance Berkman is only out for six to eight weeks.  “Hello, I’m Keith Morrison of Dateline.  Today’s story is about an aging vet.  A vet that the media began reporting as finished.  Done.  But where this vet saw the end, his knee saw just a setback.  Also, on tonight’s Dateline:  Can you get cancer from playing with your cat?”  Berkman and I haven’t always seen eye to eye.  Last year, he berated me in the comments for not believing in him, then disappeared this year when he wasn’t going well.  I hold no ill feelings towards him.  That competitive edge that drove him to compete also drove him to comment on our site.  Last year, A-Rod missed 6 weeks with a torn meniscus.  I’d put him and Berkman around the same level of gimpiness.  So Lance B. coming back around mid- to late-July.  With Berkman out, Matt Adams should have a nice long leash.  I already went over my Matt Adams fantasy.  I wrote it while cringing at contestants on The Next Food Network Star.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Neftali Feliz – To the DL with right elbow inflammation and could be out for 6 weeks or longer.  This is the Rangers simply watching his innings so he’s okay in the playoffs.  Wouldn’t shock me to see him not starting again until August, unless the Rangers start sliding in the division, which seems doubtful without the Angels, A’s and M’s all combining into one super-mediocre team, the Mangelics, then combining all of their wins.

Roy Oswalt – The Rangers are suddenly interested in bringing in Oswalt.  Uh-oh, the Mangelics better bring in Cliff Lee.

Yu Darvish – 4 IP, 4 ER.  He’s only been roughed up twice this year.  Both times vs. the Mariners.  Now, I’m not saying anything funny’s going on here, but… Well, I am.  When I was in Little League, my best friend was the best pitcher in our league and, before a game where we were facing off, he came to me and said he’d groove a pitch for me to hit.  As anyone knows who has played baseball, if you know a ball is going to be right down Broadway, your confidence boosts and you hit the ball hard.  So far, Ichiro hasn’t hit anything well this year, except against Yu.  They’re guilty!  Hmm… Now that I think about it, this will be a good anecdote to get me out of jury duty.

Sean Marshall – Got the one out save yesterday because Aroldis was used a lot recently, and doing 93 in a 55 rather than 99 in a 60 and 6 inches.

Mike Leake – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks while pitchslapping Mike Minor.  Totally solid game from Mike Leake, which sounds like a name Bart would ask for at Moe’s.  His K-rate hasn’t been good and, in most mixed leagues, I’d wait to see more before adding him.

Drew Stubbs – 2 hits, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and 2 homers.  That’s two by four, which is a Hacksaw Jim Duggan Special!

Zack Cozart – 2-for-4 with a homer.  Buh-bye, Freddy Galvis and Dozier or whatever schmohawks I was rocking at shortstop.  I’m back in on Cozart.

Ian Desmond – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer while batting .280.  He’s been so much better than Ryan Zimmerman, and now my blood pressure is higher than Billy Joel’s cholesterol.

Henry Rodriguez – 1/3 IP, 1 ER and was pulled for the Sean Burnett save.  Johnson said he’s had it up to “here” with Rodriguez.  The “here” being about 4 feet lower than Rodriguez throws most of his pitches.  Johnson indicated he could just go to a committee, which never makes anything better from a fantasy standpoint.  I’m gonna hold BB-Rod in my leagues, because Johnson has gone back to him before.  In leagues where you’re desperate for saves, Burnett and Clippard could see opportunities.

Vernon Wells – Has a torn thumb ligament.  Will be out for at least 2 months.  The Angels are in talks to acquire Adam Lind.  I’m kidding.  The Angels have labeled their Blue Jays iPhone contact as “Telemarketer” so they never answer the phone when they call.

Jerome Williams – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks.  You, “Coming off a bunch of solid starts, then Jerome gives up ten baserunners in 6 1/3 innings against the A’s in O(that’s a big stadium).co.  What gives, Grey?”  I streamed him, that’s what.

Miguel Montero – Left yesterday’s game with a groin strain, which is more painful but less annoying than a strained groan.

Chris Davis – 2-for-4 with his 6th homer.  He’s hitting .350 over the last week and, like Mr. Chiquita Banana, he usually hits them in bunches.

Jason Marquis – Twins designated him for assignment.  Man, the Twins are pink-slipping more people than Victoria’s Secret.

Ryan Braun – Homered then left yesterday’s game (which still might be going) with some groin tightness.  I used to get that whenever my 10th grade English teacher called on me.  Very embarrassing.

Irving Falu – 1-for-3, hitting .415 since his call-up.  Irving Falu, who sounds like the only Jewish Hawaiian in the world — “Hey, guys let’s have a luau, but instead of burying a pig, let’s bury a brisket,” could fill in while Getz gets (stutterer!) better from his rib injury.

Felipe Paulino – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Yes, you should pick him up.  Yes, now.  This will be here when you return.  If you want the gist of the rest of the post before you go, here, “And that’s me quoting me!  C) There is no C.  Schmohawk, yawnstipating, hot schmotato… SAGNOF!”  Now go!

Jeff Francoeur – 4-for-4 on Sunday, a homer on Monday, on your team on Tuesday.

Orlando Hudson – White Sox announced that Hudson would be their 3rd baseman.  I’d rather Orlando who ran the strip joint on The Wire be my team’s 3rd baseman.  The White Sox were seeking a vacation from 3rd base mediocrity and settled on the lamest choice possible – Orlando.

Jeremy Hefner – Will be taking over Miguel Batista’s spot in the rotation while he’s on the DL.  Hefner sounds like a Playboy heir, but his career AA/AAA stats (6-7 K/9, 2-3 BB/9) look like he’s more of a hustler.

Brian Roberts – Said he was close to starting a rehab assignment.  On a side note, his picture looks like he saw the Ghost Of His Former Self.

Jose Reyes – 4 for his last 10 with 3 steals.  Hey, the fifteen minute handshake that ends with Ozzie lighting a fire under his ass is working.

Austin Kearns – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs, and a steal as he started in left field.  With Gaby causing the Marlins Triple-A affiliate to build a women’s locker room and Logan playing 1st base, Kearns might see time in the outfield.  Really only an NL-Only play for now.

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4 as he crushed Jamie Moyer with a grand salami.  Hey, Giancarlo, I like cougars too!

Matt Garza – 3 IP, 7 ER. Ouch… Wait, what?  Oh, God, I’m bleeding from all sides!  Please, make it stop!

Bud Norris – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks as he lowered his ERA to 3.14.  I’ve been telling you to pick him up since April.  We’re good, right?  All right, cool.

Chris Johnson – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer.  Nothing says desperation like picking up Chris Johnson before he gets around the bases.  Chris Johnson, welcome to the Grey Albright All-Stars, feel free to use my lineup for your bathroom.

Jed Lowrie – 3-for-4 with a slam (7) and legs (2).  I’m getting people asking me in the comments if they should drop him.  Seriously, what do you want at MI?  He’s been better than Robinson Cano!

B.J. Upton – 1-for-4 with a double that was overturned into a homer.  I once had a two bagger overturned into a homer and that also involved a B.J.

Cory Leubke – Scheduled for Tommy John surgery after taking a few weeks to get a few different doctors’ opinions.  Too bad opinions aren’t like elbow tendons.

Cody Ross – Out for two months with a fractured bone in his foot.  If you have two first names, you should have four feet.  Cust kayin’.

Clay Buchholz – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER to raise his ERA to 7.84.  Anyone that dares own him in fantasy knows his nickname should be Butthurtz.

Will Middlebrooks – 3-for-5, 1 RBI.  Now with the Ross injury, the Red Sox are leaning towards keeping Middlebrooks in the majors.  I can’t imagine why.  Their outfield yesterday was Che-Hsuan Lin, Marlon Byrd and Daniel Nava.  One guy who wasn’t even a starter on his college team (Nava), one guy who the Cubs couldn’t wait to lose (Byrd) and one guy Red Sox fans are deluding themselves about because his name looks like Lynn and he likes rice.

This is the part of this story that is supposed to grab the reader.  I don’t believe in all the handy hullabaloo.  I will be too worried about doing it in a fashion that is in the form of an inverted W and having other people critique it and say I am an injury risk going forward.  That stuff just isn’t for me.  So we are at the quarter post of the season already, fast right?  So this week we have a good gaggle of guys that will bring your fantasy baseball roster some prosperity.  Personally, I am tempering expectations and want to be whelmed not under/overwhelmed.  Because I don’t think I can handle all the burden of being over/under-anything.  Seems like a much ado about nothing to me.  Holy tangent, sorry.   Well, enjoy the week to come and happy rostering.  Catch you all on the flip, and by flip,  I mean next Saturday.  (Please keep in mind that pitchers and matchups change.)

ONE START OPTIONS:

5/22

J.A.Happ vs CHC – Wood

Felix Doubront @ Bal – Matusz

5/23

Andy Pettitte @ KC – Mendoza

5/24

Randall Delgad0 @ Cin – Bailey

Joe Blanton @ STL – Westbrook

5/25

Anthony Bass @ NYM vs Gee

5/26

Wei-Yin Chen vs KC- Mazzaro

Paul Maholm vs Pit – Correia

TWO START OPTIONS:

Rick Porcello (@Cle vs Jiminez, @Min vs Blackburn) Why is that all the Jersey guys get bums raps?  Oh, I remember now, because all we see is guys on reality show acting a fool and all their professions all seem to be “party hosts.”

Clayton Richard (@STL vs Garcia, @NYM vs Santana) It is Hodgepadre on opposite day.

Patrick Corbin (LAD vs Capuano, Mil vs Wolf) Please keep this spot in the rotation warm.  It will be greatly appreciated.  Thanks.  Signed Skaggs and Bauer.

Tommy Hunter (Bos vs Buchholz, KC vs Paulino) He takes the prize or cake or whatever free stuff they offer with expressions these days for being the guy least owned.  This week’s “Click and Pray” pick o’ the week.

Mike Leake (@Atl vs Minor, Col vs Guthrie) Last start was better, not great but a step in the right direction.  Just don’t stand downwind of him when he pitches. On a positive note, it can’t really get much worse…Can it?

Jerome Williams (@Oak vs Milone, @Sea vs Hernandez) On the road, throwing pitches, from mound-on tops. Yeah, you will now never look at Jerome ever again and not pronounce it Jer-O-Me.  So you’re welcome for that, secret handshake comes later.

Kyle Drabek (TB vs Hellickson, @Tex vs Darvish) You know you have been playing fantasy too long when you call him Doug every time you see him.  Funny, I call E5, Porkchop and he stares at me with disgust.

Kyle Kendrick (Was vs Gonzalez, @STL vs Garcia) I will have a banner at the game.  It will say ‘Go Kyle Kendrick’ and then will add the letter K for every strikeout he gets during the game to the end of his name.  Hoping it’s not 2, because all of sudden 3 K’s isn’t a crowd, it became an affiliation.

Felipe Paulino (NYY vs Kuroda, @Bal vs Hunter) We come for the K’s and hope you don’t take a Mike Leake on our peripherals.  A win would be nice too, but I will take the 12 plus K’s this week and worry about that ERA thingy elsewhere.

R.A. Dickey (@Pit vs McDonald, SD vs Volquez) Rahhhhh, or that’s what I am calling him from now on.  It’s more fun that just saying R and A.  No word back yet from Busta Rhymes’s agent about a cross promotional thing.

Erik Bedard (NYM vs Santana, CHC vs Garza) He is due for a DL stint, I mean he has to eventually.  I will now go to church and count some rosaries for me wishing injury on someone.

Todd Frazier went deep twice yesterday.  When asked the other day if Frazier would play, Dusty Baker said, “It could be (Miguel) Cairo.  I’ve got an idea what guys’ strengths and weaknesses are… We’ll see. It’s up to Frazier.   Okay, who switched out my mint toothpicks with splinters!  You know my T-picks kill the skunk breath!”  Todd Frazier is a damn fine specimen of underachieving-could-easily-be-achieving-if-he-starts-hitting prospect hitting nom-nom.  In the minors last year, he had 15 homers and 17 steals, year before 17/14, year before he helped pen Richard Marx’s foray into romance novels, “Hold Onto The Knights.”  What can’t he do!?  Not sure if that’s rhetorical, but I’ll answer.  I’m not sure he can hit for an average over .240 in the long run.  There’s a chance Rolen gets Wally Pipp’d even if he returns healthy and that ‘if’ is the size of Hasselhoff’s ego.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Aroldis Chapman – 1 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks.  ERA is at 0.00, WHIP is at 0.57.  Dusty Baker said yesterday that the plan is for Aroldis to start someday.  That reminds me of a sentence I read recently in Scientific American, “Because of natural evolution patterns, it’s conceivable that pigs will fly someday.”

Vance Worley – Placed on the DL.  Went from a match-ups pitcher who could get lit to having an inflamed elbow.  Call the fire department!

Clay Buchholz – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks to lower his ERA to 7.77.  He looked fine yesterday, but, no kidding, I can’t believe he’s still in the rotation.  Like for real, or “Pho Real” if we’re going by the name of my Vietnamese restaurant that I’m minority owner of.  Last time I write up a bucket list drunk.

Daisuke Matsuzaka – Bobby Valentine said he’s not close to returning.  Red Sox fans exhaled.

Chase Utley – Yesterday, he took grounders.  Phillie fans inhaled.

Hiroki Kuroda – 5 IP, 7 ER.  Yankee fans burped.

Ivan Nova – Set for a bullpen session tomorrow.  Pop the champagne.  Super, Nova.

Fernando Rodney – Notched his 12th save and lowered his ERA to 0.48.  I’m guessing the Devil wouldn’t make any deals with him while he was on the Angels.

Carlos Ruiz – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI and his 7th homer.  Hannah, so far and away the Phils best hitter so far, Hannah.  <–Almost palindrome!

Freddy Galvis – 2-for-4, with a run and an RBI.  He’s hitting near .400 over the last week and… nothing.  It’s good to see him hitting, but he could steal some bases (23 steals last year in the minors).  Somebody put Hot Stuff on his feet.

Alfonso Soriano – Before I even say it, I regret it.  I So-rue-iano.  Yet, he did hit his 2nd homer in as many games yesterday.

Clayton Richard – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Hodgepadre!

Chase Headley – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer.  Truly a breakout year, which correlates to around 16 homers and a .265 average.  The mouth on the left side of the screen says, “Yawn.”  The mouth on the right side of the screen says, “stipating.”

Jose Valverde – Tigers are saying Valverde should be back by this weekend.  If you own Valverde, I’m not sure if that’s good news.  The Tigers are saying Benoit could see saves, but it might also go based on match-ups.  Benoit made me think of the WWF, which made me think of Words With Friends.  I’m surprised the World Wildlife Federation hasn’t made them change the name to Words With Pals or Words With Entertainment.

Austin Jackson – Left yesterday’s game with an abdominal strain.  He might get a precautionary MRI, and we know how well those turn out!

Carlos Quentin – Rehab assignment was shutdown as he needed a cortisone shot.  2008 called and said Carlos Quentin’s stats are being erased; they’re all lies.

Jason Bay – He’s about two weeks away from returning.  Yay.  Put the ‘Get Well Soon’ balloons on order.

Alex Presley – Has left the building.  He had the full-time job, but he Mr. Bungled it and is off to the minors.  Mr. Bungled it so bad the Pirates are turning to McLousy or Yamaico Navarro.  Navarro got the start yesterday and went 0-for-2, and was lifted for a pinch hitter.  In the minors, Navarro showed light power (10-ish homers) and light steals (12-ish).  He does have 3rd base eligibility in Yahoo and ESPN, but outside of leagues that only play Pirate players, I’d hold for now.  And in those leagues, who’s your 2nd draft pick?  Jose Tabata?  Do you reach for Hanrahan?

Brett Lawrie – Suspended only 4 games, but plans to appeal.  I’d love to hear the preliminary appeal discussion with his attorney.  Attorney talking to Lawrie, “We can either go with your frustration was stemming from the egregious strike calls made by Bill Miller.  Or we can go with a skinny guy in the front row was casting a shadow that made it look like there was a hat rack on the ground.”  Lawrie, “I think I can put a hashtag on that second reason.”  “Done and done!”

Colby Rasmus – 0-for-4 with 4 high fives to Bautista, Arencibia, Johnson and Encarnacion, who all homered.  I think Rasmus also worked in a fist pump to Thames, who doubled.

Kyle Drabek – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Yankees.  This is coming off a 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER effort vs. the Twins and 5 IP, 5 ER against the Angels, who just fired their hitting coach.  Kyle Drabek:  I Make Smart Money Look Stupid.

Wilson Betemit – 2-for-7 with his 6th homer.  Is Betemit available to teach Ryan Zimmerman how to hit?  Cause that would be helpful.

Omar Infante – 3-for-5 with two steals as he bats .336.  Omar’s coming yo!

Mike Minor – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  Not sure if I’ve verbalized it, um, writing, but this Minor shizz has got to be off your team until further notice.  You know how they have obits written ahead of time for celebrities?  Atlanta reporters have the tweet “Mike Minors” ready to go.

Ubaldo Jimenez - 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks to lower his ERA to 5.09.  Matthew Berry likes him as a buy low.

Dustin Ackley – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer.  Hey, his bats finally got back from Japan!

Michael Saunders – 2-for-3 with his 5th steal, which he dedicated to his dad, the Colonel.

Melky Cabrera – Scratched with a sore left toe.  He’s day-to-day, or at least that’s what the aliens told me who read his mind despite his best efforts to stop them.

Corey Hart – 1-for-3 with his 8th homer.  Surprised to see him in some comments as a guy people can pick up.  I’m assuming these leagues are shallow, but, as they said in 14th century China, assuming makes an ass outta of you and Ming.  To answer, yeah, he should be owned, especially now because he usually goes on tears.

Brian Dozier – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer in four games, while hitting .286.  Okay, I’m talking him up solely because I dropped Cozart for Dozier.  Hopefully, things stay rozier.

Trevor Plouffe – 1-for-5 with his 2nd homer.  The Eskimos have a name for the sound of crap hitting the toilet water, it’s Plouffe.

Justin Morneau – He was activated from the DL and went 1-for-5.  It’s like he never left!

Ryan Doumit – To the DL for three weeks with a strained calf.  What an odd thing to find in a colander.

Josh Willingham – 3-for-5, 2 runs and 1 RBI as the Twins scored 11 runs.   My fact checking monkey tells me the Twins didn’t carry over this whole year’s worth of runs.

Felix Hernandez – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER vs. the Indians.  F-Her, you should be embarrassed.  Luckily, I didn’t use the thesaurus for synonyms for embarrassed.  The Native American Anti-Defamation League has enough to deal with.

Bud Norris – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I think he might be the unofficial winner of the most comments on whether or not people should pick him up.  Yeah, this Bud’s for you.

Carlos Lee – 3-for-4 with his 3rd homer, now hitting near .400 over the last week.  Ugh, first Alfonso Soriano, now Carlos Lee.  Kick me in the ass and call me Murray Chass.

Andy Dirks – 3-for-4, 2 runs and 1 RBI.  Hitting .370 out of the 2 hole.  Plouffe!

Eric Hosmer – 0-for-7.  Maybe he can work the count into something favorable then they can put in Mitch Maier.

Felipe Paulino – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  He’s kinda put together three solid starts (his 2nd one vs. the White Sox was a bit of bad luck).  His K-rate has always been solid, but his walk rate losses sight of the strike zone sometimes.  So far, he’s been in control.  The 1-something ERA won’t stay there, but he could be what you thought you were getting from Filthy Sanchez this year (not what you actually got).

Krispie Young – Hit a grand slam in his rehab game.  It was shirts vs. I sold my shirt for blow.  *checking notes*  Nope, different type of rehab.

Albert Pujols – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer to tie Gordon Beckham for 217th best in baseball!

Adam LaRoche – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer.  LaRoche has 29 RBIs and is hitting .339.  Yesterday, Hosmer pooped twice.

Wilson Ramos – Going for ACL surgery in 2-3 weeks and won’t be back this year.  Bernie Williams, “I’d love to play my guitar at the opening of the ACL!”

Ian Desmond – 1-for-4 with his 5th homer.  He’s hitting around .330 over the last week with 2 steals.  Shine on you crazy Desmond!

Henry Rodriguez – Got the save yesterday even after Desmond E’d a guy onto base.  HanK-Rod still mowed them down, showing no signs of his recent failings.  I realized something watching him.  He’s Charlie Sheen in Major League (or real life).  His stuff is insane, and he can’t control it.

Michael Morse – Made throws yesterday for the first time in several weeks.  He said, “I haven’t been throwing, so it was kind of like a monkey riding a bike.”  That sounds awesome!  I wanna see him throwing through flaming hula hoops while balancing on a seal’s nose!  Please!

An action packed week is in store for ya.  I know you can barely contain yourselves. Every single team has 7 games this week. Add in the fact that the start of interleague play is upon us and it is like a delicious fantasy burrito.  I mean who doesn’t like a great burrito, besides vegetarians and really weird people who don’t eat burritos.  Okay, I’m back; I had to go out and get a burrito. Where was I…Ah yes, this week in fantasy baseball for two start starters.  Man, that is clunky.  Either way, lots of really good options this week, for both maximizing on starts with some of the lads I have listed, but also the streaming variety.  So be heady this week, and keep in mind that some of your lineup selections will be affected by the no DH factor. So enjoy the 210 games of baseball action this week and good luck.  (Please keep in mind that pitchers and matchups change.)

ONE START OPTIONS:

5/16

Felipe Paulino vs Bal – Hunter

Chris Capuano @ SD – Richard

5/17

Jerome Williams vs CHW – Axelrod

Phil Hughes @ Tor – Hutchinson

5/18

Drew Pomeranz vs Sea – Beavan

Scott Diamond @ Mil – Estrada

TWO START OPTIONS:

Ryan Vogelsong ( Col vs. White, Oak vs Ross) I most definitely cannot sing, I can whistle though.  I would certainly not whistle a Vogel of anything, regardless of what it is.  Well, if it’s a huge piece of ice cream cake maybe.

Jeff Niemann (@Tor vs Morrow, Atl vs Delgado) If I were Jeff, I would most definitely have name my son Marcus.  Just for giggles.  Nothing gets kids to make friends faster then torment.

Bruce Chen (@Tex vs Lewis, Ari vs Miley) I wish he had a sidekick cat named Spot and posed as a janitor when he wasn’t pitching. To me that would make the world a better place.   Just don’t tell Sergeant Flint he is a drag.

Joe Blanton (Hou vs Harrell, Bos vs Lester) He should change his name to Blahton. He really isn’t blah, but compared to the other SP options in Philly he looks like vanilla in a sea of chocolate.

Ross Detwiler (SD vs Suppan, Bal vs Hammel) Looking at his home ERA makes me smile. You know what else makes me smile, not having to type out Tom Gorz-what’s-his-name’s name.

Anthony Bass (@Was vs Strasburg, Ana vs Santana) He would look a lot sexier if both of these were at home. That and the fact that he has to face St. Rasburg.  Oh, and if he sang “Take me to the river.”

Jason Vargas (@Bos vs Beckett, @Col vs Friedrich) One of those guys that looks better on your fantasy team, then everyone else realizes. I hope he changes teams midseason and pulls a Fister, literally not figuratively.

Wade Miley (@LAD vs Billingsley, @KC vs Chen) ERA is better away from Chase Field.  I wonder if it has to do with the ATM fees when you’re not banking at home.

Paul Maholm (@STL vs Lohse, CHW vs Peavy) If you like to roll the dice then roll Maholm for 4 straight wins, 1 earned run or less in each start.  Just don’t tell Marmol that he has a lead because he will want to blow on those dice.

Homer Bailey (@Atl vs Delgado, @NYY vs Nova) I couldn’t hate a fantasy player more than this guy. Okay,  I just got yelled at by my mom who said hate is a strong word.  I told her so is assisted living.

Christian Friedrich / Alex White (@SF – Vogelsong / Lincecum, Sea vs Millwood / Vargas) Combined they form the super tandem of White Christian.  Separate they may pull off the same feat.  I’m not hear to judge, there is a total separation between church and stats.