JJ Putz returns from the DL. Too bad because the Rowland-O’Flaherty-Green-Lowe-Crap-Smith-Whatever were like the Murderer’s Row of setup men. Really holding down the fort. Too bad The Big Sexy can’t pitch like he strikes out, he could’ve lent a hand there. Anyway, I told you to drop all of these schmohawks a couple of days ago, I will second that emotion today. Don’t handcuff your Putz to anything. It’s way too painful. In other closer news, Chad Cordero is going to get his shoulder examined. When a closer goes on the DL because of arm trouble, then returns, but can’t throw only to have his shoulder examined again two weeks later, it’s not good news. By the time you read this, he might already be on the DL. I think Rauch gets more saves than Cordero this year, so if you have Cordero, prepare to cry. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

John Lannan – Is this guy for real? His minor league numbers say he’s only starting in the majors because he’s on the Nationals. In three minor league seasons, he had 229 Ks to 127 walks in 326 innings. That, folks, are pretty bad numbers. So is he for real? I wouldn’t start him against the Cubs for his next start.

Jerry Hairston – He keeps hitting like he did yesterday, Corey Patterson might be on the bench for a while. Dusty, I thought you liked Corey… Wha’ happen? (Oh, and for the first comment, “Grey, should I pick up Hairston?” No, I would not.)

Manny Parra – If you’re looking at a 2.20 WHIP and asking how he only gave up only three runs, let me explain. He was lucky he only gave up 3 runs. Duncan hit a liner to Fielder to get him out of the fifth. That liner would’ve easily scored one more run and who knows what that would’ve led to. Manny hasn’t looked in command of his pitches for a couple starts now.

Eric Gagne – I’m far from a Gagne-apologist, but the blown save shouldn’t have been blown. Weeks threw a ball in the dirt and Fielder couldn’t get his big veggie mitts on it so the tying run scored — costing Parra the win.

Casey Kotchman – Hit his fifth homer. I’ve liked Kotchman for two years while he battled the world’s most drawn out case of mono and, of course, the year I don’t have him on one team, he’s doing well. Here’s hoping he catches a common cold and he’s bedridden for four years because of it.

Edinson Volquez – Or should I say Edison or perhaps Julio Reyes (Volquez has gone through three names in his short career.) He looked decent, if not a little wild. If we can get a game like last night from him seven out of ten times, gonna have to take it.

Juan Pierre – The ironic thing (not ironic ironic, but more ironic like “…rain on your wedding day” ironic… Well, now that I think about it, this actually might really be ironic, not Alanis ironic. Anyway…) Juan Pierre is just as bad as Andruw Jones, only a completely different type of bad. What a mess. (BTW, sample Dodgers’ clubhouse conversation — Torre, “Cashman, I got Nomar batting third. I need some free agent bats!”  Cashman replies, “I’m no longer your GM.”  Torre, “Fine! I’ll call George.”)

Adam Dunn – Went deep. Could have five home runs by this time next week. Don’t sleep on Dunn! (Actually you could sleep on him because he’s big and fat and kinda looks like a walking curly-haired mattress. He’s country comfortable!)

Brandon Phillips – Someone I thought would not be good this year so far has lived up down to expectations. But he did homer last night. (BTW, don’t you love strikethroughs, they’re soooooo snarky! It’s also snarky when you put six ohs on the word “so.” Or soooooo I’ve heard. Actually that so doesn’t make sense to have six ohs. Soooooo Taguchi.)

Franklin Gutierrez – The Big FraGu went 3 for 5 with 3 runs and 3 RBIs. But, then again, everyone got a hit in this game, except for Pronk. What the eff, Project-Donkey?

C.C. Sabathia – The news of his demise was prematurely reported (or whatever that pithy thing is people say.)

Miguel Tejada – I thought The Player Formerly Aged 31 would be great this year. He’s playing even better than I thought he would be.

Joey Votto – If I could go back and change my ROY prediction, I’d pick Votto. He’ll go through slumps, like anyone, but he looks like a home run-hitting Billy Butler.

Matt Holliday – When he’s swinging the bat, it looks like he’s thinking this, “Of course I’m going to hit a double. Might even be a home run.”

Jayson Nix – To make himself feel better about being benched for Barmes, he checks into the Colorado Marriott and calls Corey Patterson and Rich Aurilla to find out if they get to listen to their iPod during the game. When Nix finds out they do not, he silently fist pumps.

Troy Tulowitzski – Had the night off, probably to clear his head. This is a great buying opportunity. Find the Tulo owner in your league and trade for him.

Manny Corpas – I have Fuentes on a few teams. Cust kayin’.

Ronny Cedeno – I had him active for that grand slam yesterday… on my Razzball team. I was grand slammed. Oh, and I got a home run from Geoff Blum. Yes, the Geoff Blum that you thought retired two years ago.

Gil Meche – Looks like he let Karabell’s praise go to his head.

  1. john says:

    What is goin on with Parra? Thank god I didn’t start him, oh wait I did!..Also, although I’m loving Butler’s avg and obp, I could really use him hitting like his weight class and getting some production since I’m benching Pronk till his shoulder feels better and he starts his comeback.

  2. Grey

    Grey says:

    @john: Parra’s young and he’s still harnessing his stuff. Hopefully, he does this sooner than later.

    Butler’s oddly built for what I am about to say, but he’s not really a power hitter.

  3. Russ says:

    Grey- I know we don’t see eye-to-eye on Carlos Gomez ;) but this column was histerical. You made me laugh out loud multiple times. Keep up the great work!

  4. Grey

    Grey says:

    @Russ: Thanks, Russ. :)

  5. scott says:

    Great post Grey….very, very funny. You know what’s neither farkin’ ironic nor snarky? The Tribe scoring 15 and Hafner and Sizemore go a combined 1-10. Hafner is killin’ me! And its not a quick painless death, like when Pesci shot Stacks (c’mon, let’s take that coffee to go), but more like the slow “blowtorch and jumper cables” death the hillbilly rapist got from Marcellus in Pulp Fiction. I’m gonna give Pronk’s ABs to Kotchmann for the next few days…

  6. Grey

    Grey says:

    @scott: Can’t say I disagree totally with Kotchman over Hafner at this point because Hafner’s playing with a sore shoulder.

  7. hey hafner….go get your shinebox!

  8. Grey

    Grey says:

    @2&Fro: The most disconcerting thing is his OBP and the 20 Ks to 8 walks (guess that’s two most disconcerting things). But he can hit ten home runs in a month and put this early season slump behind him quickly.

  9. Chet says:

    “He’s country comfortable,” now that is funny and repulsive at the same time!

    I have a question for the mailbag, but don’t know where to send it. Little help?

  10. Chet says:


    Try Tank Noodle if you’re ever in Chicago! Just drive north of the city to Argyle and you’ll be in the heart of great Korean BBQ!!

  11. Thanks Chet. Nice to see that Tank Johnson is still contributing something to Chicago…

Comments are closed.