My current situation is in a doctor’s office, needle in my arm, drawing my precious droplets of blood for a physical to check something.  That something, dear readers and trolls, is triglycerides.

I’m fairly active, get 5 days of exercise a week, do pushups almost daily, and only eat one serving for meals.  The trouble is I’m old.  Everything makes my weight go up.  So monitoring these pesky triglycerides apparently is something I need to do.  Early detection and whatnot.

Your fantasy teams might be showing some signs of triglycerides and you don’t even realize it.  It’s important to jump on this now before you end up in tenth place and wonder, why oh why did I roster that bum for so long?  Here are some early strugglers and what my take is on them.

Vinnie Pasquantino:  I told you guys early that he would struggle to start the season coming off a missed season and shoulder strategy.  He certainly is doing that, with a whopping .337 OPS.  That’s going to lead to a heart attack for your squad if it’s not fixed.

I would bench but not drop Vinny unless you, along with most people, have had an injury apocalypse and need the space.  I fully expect July to be a good get-right month for him.  This start, though, is obviously terrible and there’s no need to start him.

Pete Alonso:  Um, Pete, you realize this is a contract year, right?  Like, um, you’re supposed to play for the bag, right?  Only 2 HR and a .532 OPS is not what you spent a third round pick on.  He’s in the bottom half of the league in exit velocity, and bottom 25% in barrel rate.  That’s not the profile you want here.

This is a narrative-based assessment and I know it’s not smart to do, but the Mets vibe is terrible this year.  Like, they just don’t seem good at all.  The lineup support is gone.  Based on these, I’m expecting another low batting average season, but with under 100 RBI, and then a late season trade.  I’m trying to sell low on Pete.  He’s the honey bun cake to your cholesterol on your rosters.

Manny Machado:  Playing through an elbow surgically repaired seems hard.  A .180 BA but with some power isn’t the worst thing.  Look for Machado Machado Man to get some more macho numbers as the weather heats up.  Hold.

Jordan Westburg:  you probably drafted Westy here as a solid starter at third base, a young gun in a weak position who was going to make me and you look super super smart.  Well, he’s off to a slow start, and if you are at all a prospect person you’d notice the historic start the Orioles AAA is off to, with multiple elite prospects producing at high levels.  Westy better tighten up or he’ll be in Norfolk.

So what’s the diet and exercise recommendation?

Colt Keith will have a long leash to figure out this MLB thing after signing a long term deal.  He’s batting .350 the last week, no power but it’ll come.  Not a bad fill in at third.

Michael Busch for the Cubs is eligible at both corner spots, hitting sixth in a solid lineup.  He’s only 21% rostered and could fill in for you.  I’m heading to the mountains with Busch, here.

Brett Baty is off to a solid start, and is a rare bright spot for the stupid Mets.  He’s my favorite pickup for third base since he has the pedigree and runway and other fancy baseball terms, better than He Good.  A .333 average won’t hold but as a CI option go right ahead!

So as I’m finishing my checkup, seems like my weight and all blood levels are solid!  I know you all are so, so proud of me.  My sister-in-law works here, so have to avoid her or she’ll bring out the You’re a Mean Uncle needle.  What, I shouldn’t call a guy in a red polo shirt Jake from State Farm?  Chill out a bit!

who are your Fantast Triglycerides so far?  What are you doing with them?

Notify of

Oldest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
1 month ago

My pitching has a bad case of triglycerides and hemorrhoids. Any prescription for all that ails?

1 month ago

Oldy Goldschmidt needs a checkup.

1 month ago

What are your thoughts on Jake Burger? 13 team dynasty 5×5…