Imagine if you will a Sunday night. The day games have come and gone, and you lazily watch two teams battle under the drone of announcers and commercials. You go to your favorite non-Razzball fantasy site to read the instant analysis of your player’s 3-5, 1 HR, 4 RBI’s, 1 STL performance. You find the blurb, and read the following:
Hank Trucksworth III
Trucksworth had three hits in five chances, drove in four runs, and stole a base in the Twinkies win over the Clubs.
Analysis: Another great game from Trucksworth, although the steal is only his third all season. He remains a solid if uninspiring 4th or 5th OF in deep mixed leagues.
You read the blurb and feel good, though you drafted Trucksworth to be your 3rd OF, and the Caught Stealing stings. You also feel good knowing your leaguemates might read that same blurb, but not feel the White Light/White Heat dopamine blast you just experienced.
Then you read the next blurb.
Billy Rollo
Rollo absolutely blasted two singles today, scored two runs, and showed off his wheels stealing third. He also was caught stealing twice.
Analysis: Rollo is heating up and making the case that he belongs on more fantasy teams. He might hurt you in points leagues, but if tonight was any indication, Rollo won’t be on waivers for much longer.
This is a guy you don’t own, and your party was just pooped. Rollo didn’t just hit those singles, he “absolutely blasted” them. Wow! He won’t be available much longer, OH NO! Et voila, your confirmation bias has been conquered by FOMO goblins. You have been Blurbstomped.
You are Josh Brolin in No Country For Old Men, out hunting for some confirmation bias. Instead, you stumble upon a blurb that might make you look smarter than your leaguemates and help you take their money. The FOMO haunts you like Javier Bardem, deep into the night as the waiver deadline approaches. You ask reddit if you should drop your 7th OF for Rollo if you only have $5 of your budget left. No one answers. Eno Sarris tweets a picture of his hand holding a new double IPA he found, and you reply with a “would you drop?” question. You are now Josh Brolin’s wife at the end of the film, desperate, wishing you had stronger convictions.
At 1:57am, you are Tommy Lee Jones standing in the doorway of that hotel room. Your FOMO is Javier Bardem, hiding behind the door, waiting to see if you will complete the transaction, thereby sealing your fate.
This dance will play out for a whole season. You will ignore your families, friends, and responsibilities to make sure your team is not missing a hot schmotato’s two great weeks in a given season. You will ask questions in the replies of experts that have already been answered in the article, especially if it’s a catcher question. This behavior seems inevitable, because it’s silly and life is a highway. However, if you follow the religion in this here blog, you too will experience positive change in your fantasy life.
We will analyze player blurbs from a given evening, knowing that 1-2 writers are usually responsible for all the player write ups posted within an hour of the game results. We will look at:
- Flowery Diction – how sites juice up descriptions of player performance
- Q/Q – Qualitative and quantitative look at how a site’s editorial vision colors the blurb “analysis”
- Double Takes – instances where successive player blurbs contradict each other
- Bob Nightengale Syndrome – The blurb is wrong in a fundamental way
- Stephen A. Smith IMG_4346.jpeg Award – Given to the player blurb that promises the most and delivers the least.
The hope is that by season’s end, we’ll all feel more confident about our player evaluations when it comes to the waiver wire. We will read blurbs and not be swayed by excessive superlatives, faulty injury reporting, and micro-hype. I will know that I have done my job when Grey posts, and there isn’t a single question about catchers that he did not address in his post.
We will be Roto-Woke. Join me in this new way of life. Only half the internet will hate us. Now, on to the Spring Training edition of Avoiding the Blurbstomp.
Blurbstomping – Spring Training Edition
Teams are selecting contracts and sending players to alternative sites. CBS, NBCRotoSportsEdgeWorldBettorsWelcome (NBCRSEWBW), ESPN, etc. will all be writing blurb after blurb with the following structure:
Jorge Luis Borges
Borges had his contract selected by the Chicago Crudups on Sunday and will serve as a back up outfielder on Opening Day.
Analysis: Borges defied the odds as a non-roster invite and found a role with the Crudups. He offers a decent glove with replacement-level OPS. The long-dead author likely won’t play enough to be fantasy relevant, but if you haven’t read Labyrinths, why are you reading this article? You should be reading Borges, full stop.
- My advice to you is to ignore the early day updates unless you’re in a non-FAAB league. If you’re in leagues where you can pick up anyone willy-nilly, then strap on your readers and Groundhog Day your way through those blurbs.
Meanwhile, I found an absolute gem that will demonstrate how blurbs will be broken down:
Cesar Hernández continued his tear of Cactus League action on Saturday against the Dodgers, as he went 2-for-3 with a solo homer, pushing Cleveland to a 9-2 victory
Hernández homered off Trevor Bauer in the top of the sixth inning. In 2020, Hernández ranked first amongst Cleveland hitters in hits, and with the rate of contact he’s making in spring, he’s vying to be the hit leader in 2021. Hernández’s .391 may seem attractive, but his .442 OBP and 1.029 OPS are even better. The 30-year-old hit second in today’s game, and will be dangerous in a lineup preceding José Ramírez.
Source: Rotoworld
- This blurb almost hits the Quinfecta, as it hits four of my criteria for a blurb that will confound and attempt to influence your decision making. I’ve dithered on too long, let’s dance!
Flowery Diction –
Example 1: “continued his tear of Cactus League action.”
Ex 2: “In 2020, [he] ranked first amongst Cleveland hitters in hits…he’s vying to be the hit leader in 2021.”
I won’t be criticizing spelling or grammar, as these blurbs are like Vin Diesel, usually written fast and furiously, by someone wearing sunglasses indoors. That being said (TBS), I am hoping I will be hard-pressed to find the number of examples of flowery diction we find in Hernández’s blurb. The “Cleveland hit leader” bit is odd, especially as he only outhit Jose Ramírez by two last year. I can see someone reading this and suddenly debating whether to draft Nick Solak or Hernández later. That’s not cool, unless you’re in my leagues, in which case, please continue this awful strategy.
Qualitative/Quantitative Analysis–
Running Cesar’s name through Rudy’s Player rater for the 2020 season sees him as the 19th best 2B, with positives in AVG and Runs, solid negs in the rest. When you run him through Hitters Last 5 Years, he’s the 59th ranked 2B. My expert analysis: Yucko. His previous blurb also mentioned the “Cleveland hit leader” narrative, so dollars on donuts a Hernández optimist is doing his write-ups.
Double Take –
This is the one category this blurb doesn’t catch. As I mentioned, it seems that we have a Cesar homer. Not a real homer, as Cesar is allergic to them, and that would actually give him the value the blurb is trying to purport.
Bob Nightengale Syndrome-
A more accurate blurb might mention his strong spring performance, and that he’s serviceable in points leagues that value hitting categories beyond what’s found in a 5×5 league. This blurb calls him dangerous. Juan Soto is dangerous. Juan Soto is a deadly viper. Cesar is one of those spring-coil snakes that pops out of a canister labeled “Delicious Chips.” Nothing to report here. Move along.
Stephen A. Smith IMG_4346.jpeg Award – This blurb gets you excited that maybe Cesar Hernández has made an adjustment, he’s “tearing” Cactus League action. Reading the blurb in a moment of weakness could convince you that a guy whose career best OPS of .793 was achieved in 2017 has something to offer. He doesn’t. It’s a mirage. I’m tellin’ y’all it’s sabotage.
This wraps up the first installment of “Avoiding the Blurbstomp.” I will be scouring my player news feeds to find the iridium amongst the detritus, but it you catch any blurbs that hit the criteria, let me know in the comments.
Thanks for reading, and happy hunting to all!
*This article is dedicated to the wall that injured Eloy. I’m grateful for the opportunity to learn, via self-flagellation, to never draft a plodding OF who thinks he’s Ken Griffey Jr. in left field. Now, to pray at the altar of Tyler O’Neill…
