One misses their weekly column for reasons few enough to mention. This author found that after a minor surgical procedure, sitting up or holding a laptop in the self-same location became unbearable. A potent combination of painkillers and procrastination led to a dereliction of my duties, and for that, I can only apologize to my editor Truss, my benefactor Grey, and my three Fathers in Heaven, John Cassavetes, Peter Falk, and Ben Gazzara. One day they again will smile upon me roguishly.
In these final weeks, let us rejoice in the long game that is fantasy baseball. While variance dominates in football to a point that I’m surprised they haven’t done the “chimps with dart board” experiment, baseball rewards and curses us with such a wonderful smattering of human behavior:
- Stay patient with a struggling player
- Hold onto a struggling player for too long
- Trade a struggling player and watch them bounce back for someone else
- Trade a struggling player and watch them continue to step on a rake
- Drop a struggling player and watch someone grab them for nothing and they bounce back
- Drop a struggling player and notice that no one picked them up, which makes you sad
- Over-identify with a struggling player and wonder why people can’t be more like animals and not feel so many feelings
- Over-identify with a struggling player and threaten their family on a Reddit AMA unless they turn it around
We’ve all been there and experienced the joy of fantasy baseball, so let’s keep it up and finish strong! Although I’ll never have another child, if I had another, they would be named Jake McCarthy at the moment of conception thanks to his last month of production! Healthy boundaries are great!
A Blurbstomp Reminder
We will analyze player blurbs from a given evening, knowing that 1-2 writers are usually responsible for all the player write-ups posted within an hour of the game results. We will look at:
- Flowery Diction – how sites juice up descriptions of player performance
- Friendly Reminder – when a blurb insists upon itself
- Q and Q – when a site contradicts a player valuation on back-to-back blurbs
- Hex Enduction Hour – When a blurb jinxes a player injury
- Stephen A. Smith IMG_4346.jpeg Award – Given to the player blurb that promises the most and delivers the least.
- Bob Nightengale Syndrome – instances of updates that don’t update anything
The hope is that by season’s end, we’ll all feel more confident about our player evaluations when it comes to the waiver wire. We will read blurbs and not be swayed by excessive superlatives, faulty injury reporting, and micro-hype. I will know that I have done my job when Grey posts, and there isn’t a single question about catchers that he did not address in his post. Onward to Roto Wokeness!
Flowery Diction
Diamondbacks selected the contract of OF Corbin Carroll from Triple-A Reno.
Carroll is one of the most exciting young hitters in the game and projects as an immediate five-category impact fantasy contributor over the final six weeks of the 2022 campaign. The 22-year-old outfielder will make his highly-anticipated major-league debut on Monday evening against the Phillies after hitting a stratospheric .307/.425/.611 with 24 home runs and 11 stolen bases across 422 plate appearances across three levels in Arizona’s minor-league system. Not only does Carroll possess an above-average hit tool, but he’s also capable of hitting for power and stealing bases, which has the potential to make him one of the most impactful fantasy contributors in the entire game in the future. He’s finally arrived in Arizona and he’s going to be really good for a long time.
Source: Rotoworld
We are all excited about Corbin Carroll. He has an alliterative name! He’s as fast as anyone in the league! It’s very fun, and MLB is a lot more fun when a new Liddle Guy scampers his way onto the big show. However: “…has the potential to make him one of the most impactful fantasy contributors in the entire game in the future.”
We have a rule to not speak in absolutes, which is rich because the rule itself is an absolute. Regardless, superlatives here are drowning in puddles of redundancy. Just stop after “impactful fantasy contributors.” There’s something about the tone and framing that makes a reader think of someone like Juan Soto being called up, or Shohei Ohtani being signed. Corbin Carroll could be a Trea Turner if everything falls in place, but he could also be this guy:
“[Redacted] simply couldn’t solve righty Zach Plesac in his highly-anticipated big-league debut. He fouled out in the opening frame, struck out in the second, grounded out in the sixth and also flew out in the eighth. The 21-year-old outfielder possesses stratospheric long-term fantasy potential, and projects as an immediate five-category impact contributor over the final five months of the 2021 campaign. He should be rostered in all fantasy formats.”
Jarred Kelenic was an immediate five-category contributor. Don’t let diction hype you too hard next draft season. Lord knows if you draft near opening day, the expert league drafts will have inflated his value beyond his actual value. Or not. Hedging is great!
Double Take!
Jeffrey Springs struck out eight but scattered eight hits, five of which would come around to score in a loss to the Red Sox on Saturday.
The Red Sox pounced on Springs quickly in Saturday afternoon’s contest. Tommy Pham led off with a single and Alex Verdugo quickly followed with a double to deep left center. After walking Enrique Hernández, Bobby Dalbec smashed a single to center which brought Rafael Devers and Trevor Story to score. Springs would settle down for the next few innings until Hernández connected with his sixth homer of the season. He will look to rebound against the AL East-leading New York Yankees Thursday in Tampa.
Source: Rotoedgesportsworld.com
A true Blurbstomp rarity! The headline on this blurb uses the word “scattered” like I use my Netflix account (not at all to the point that I don’t know its meaning). When I think of a pitcher scattering a few hits, I think of said pitcher wiggling around trouble all day resulting in a crap WHIP but a passable ERA. Based on the structure of this blurb, this is what I understand of Jeffrey Springs’s outing:
- 5 out of 8 players who had hits against Springs subsequently scored
- Springs gave up two runs in the 1st inning and also walked someone
- Kike Hernandez hit a homer off of him a few innings later
Here’s the weird bit: The blurbist provided a play-by-play but forgot that J.D. Martinez hit the first 2-run single, which was followed by the Dalbec single a few at bats later. These are nits, but they stand as evidence that blurbs should not be game recaps! If I just read the headline, I might even get stuck on the 8 K’s and “scattered 8 hits.” It’s a dang maze, and I desire no post-modern journey to discover my pitcher got shelled.
Q&Q
Trea Turner hit a two-run homer on Saturday in a blowout win for the Dodgers over the Padres.
Turner got the Dodgers off to a great start with a two-run homer in the first inning off a completely ineffective Sean Manaea. The infielder has homered 19 times on the season, and has a great chance to reach the century mark in that category for the first time with 88 on the year and plenty of time to knock in the necessary dozen.
Source: Rotoedgesportsworld.com
I like this blurb on so many levels. Trea Turner only has 81 home runs to reach 100 homers in a single season for the “first time.” The fact that he suddenly has 88 homers in the next sentence and only needs a dozen means that Trea has had an absolutely blazing seven seconds of production. Could you imagine hitting 69 home runs in seven seconds? That’s very nice and also 9.86 homers per second! He could get there though! So could Corbin Carroll or Jerred Kelenic too!
Hex Enduction Hour
Brandon Drury was removed from Friday’s win over the Dodgers due to a head contusion.
Drury launched a two-run homer in the third inning before being struck in the helmet by a Dustin May curveball during the sixth inning of Friday’s eventual blowout victory the Dodgers. He managed to remain in the contest briefly, but was ultimately removed for precautionary reasons to undergo further evaluation. It’s unclear whether he’ll be ready to go for Saturday’s pivotal showdown in Los Angeles, but it seems like he’s managed to avoid a serious injury.
Source: Rotoedgesportsworld.com
Look, I don’t really want to joke about concussions anymore. Most sports produce brain injury in people, and the science has shown that even the little ones can add up like you had one big blast. I’ve realized I cannot follow football anymore after trying to get back into it this offseason, so I’m left to ruminate over what made me watch those games. I grew up in Central NY rooting for the Bills, and watched as my hopes were crushed by Super Bowl losses. I was not allowed to play football or hockey by my parents to avoid serious injury, but they let me play soccer, a game that provided me with years of quick-black-out-shock concussions as a defensive stopper taking goal kicks directly off my Consciousness Container. Basketball also provided a wonderful opportunity to understand what a human elbow can do to the brain of a high schooler.
All this to say that I’d prefer people stop attaching statements like, “he’s managed to avoid a serious injury,” after a player gets hit with a baseball going anywhere over 60mph straight in the dome. This wasn’t even a hexing. I hope Drury’s okay, and I wish I could live easier with the consequences of moments like these in sports. And yes, Drury has yet to return to the field, because he was in the head with a curveball. Not really a hex, but a reasonable circumstance based on the presented evidence.
This Tinker Tailor Soldier’s Gonna Cry
Shohei Ohtani gave up a run in eight innings in a no-decision Saturday against the Astros.
Ohtani struck out five without issuing a walk. The only run he gave up came in the fifth on a single by JJ Matijevic. The two-way star wasn’t quite as dominant as he was against the Blue Jays, but it’s another impressive outing that lowers his ERA on the year to 2.58 with 181 strikeouts over 136 innings. Ohtani will make one of his final starts of the year next Saturday with a rematch against the Astros.
Source: Rotoedgesportsworld.com
There is a network of spies creating propaganda that is trying to normalize what Shohei Ohtani is doing to the game of baseball. The guy gives up one run against the AL West-leading Houston Astros, strikes out five, and does not walk anyone. Instead of the usual plaudits, we get a rueful reminder that he wasn’t quite as good as his last admittedly amazing start against another stacked offense. Outside of DeGrom, is there another pitcher in the majors right now who could throw eight innings of one run ball and get a slightly disappointed reaction?
Again, I posit that people are trying really hard to use Ohtani’s cheat code approach to baseball against him. Judge is great, and he’s got an army of bloggers and pundits chipping away at the insanity that is Ohtani’s Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde show. Would Ohtani be Dr. Jeckyl and Dr. Jeckyl because he’s so exact in his training and goals? Or is he Mr. Hyde and Mr. Hyde, a beast with no mercy for men? I suppose we’ll never know because blurbs like this transform Ohtani’s transcendence into so much meme fodder.
It makes me sad and angry, but I suppose that’s on me for being a snowflake for a true baseball freak and savant. Goodbye for now, fair people. And remember, when Tolkien wrote “fair of skin” in Lord of the Rings, he didn’t mean elves were as white as Powder. He meant their skin was beautiful, and any other reading of that text shows a gross and simple racism that most people go to great lengths to obscure. There is no moralizing or rationalizing or contextualizing. You’re wrong, and I hope all future televised elves never live up to your grotesque expectations.
Hooray for fun! Till next week!
