Fantasy Baseball Advice

I read yesterday Brett Anderson might be headed for TJ surgery, which I believe is surgery done while a stray dog limps through the operating room… Wait, Googling TJ surgery.  Oh, it’s Tommy John surgery, not Tijuana surgery.  Silly me.  “No, I don’t want any chiclets, I’m having a tumor removed!”  That’s someone in Tijuana having surgery.  Something’s wrong with Anderson, Tommy John surgery or not.  He’s making a nice run to be included in the definition for Bennis Carpensheeter.  I just have to add an ‘r’ and it’s Brennis; you follow, Anderson.  I’m sure that’s his main concern.  “You know, my career was going fine until I was included in the Razzball glossary.”  That’s Brett Anderson talking to Bryant Gumbel’s head in a jar of formaldehyde on Real Sports in 40 years.  I wouldn’t drop Anderson yet, but I get the sense it’s not too far away.  Doesn’t anyone stay in one place anymore?  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jemile Weeks – A’s are calling up their 2nd base prospect.  Jemile, schlimazel… Hasenpfeffer Incorporated! Weeks has a brother in the major leagues.  $5 says you can name him.  Hint:  His first name sounds a lot like Sickie.  They’re similar players.  20/20 potential over a full season but should wear one of those old Asian lady masks while on a plane so they don’t catch anything.  I’m slightly less excited about Weeks because he’s yet to show big power or health in the minor leagues.  In AL-Only leagues, of course you take the flyer.

Scott Sizemore – Was recalled.  For right now, I’d take a wait and see approach in mixed leagues, but at MI that could change quickly.  BTW, MI Is A Name I Call My Middle Infielder was almost a Razzball t-shirt.  Alas, for now, you have the Sparky Anklebiter and It’s Tough Being Part Of A Platoon.  More to come.  Or not.  Depends on how these sell, I’m told by the little man with a top hat, cane and tuxedo.

Adam Rosales – Kirsten Drunkst’s co-star of Crazy/Beautiful hit his first home run.  He’ll probably co-own the A’s 3rd base timeshare with Sizemore.  Should help him save thousands on resort developer fees.

Dee Gordon – Was called up yesterday by the Dodgers.  Gordon’s fast.  And skinny.  He’s 150 pounds.  That’s how much my mustache weighs soaking wet.  He’s like Juan Pierre at shortstop.  Holy effin’ effholes, that’s a beautiful thing.  Imagine 60 steals at shortstop.  That’s like an 80′s sitcom dream where the wavy lines come in and Edna Garrett is making you a pot roast in a nightie.  That’s like Alcides Escobar and Everth Cabrera wrapped up in a burrito of “These are terrible examples, but I’m trying to make a point by lowering expectations.”  Gordon has decent enough on base skills to make the speed work, but he’s raw and only 23 years old.  Nobody likes you when you’re 23!  I’d take a flyer in every league where you need speed, just remember he could steal 35 bases from now until October or he could struggle and be replaced by Furcal in a few weeks.  It’s rookie nookie and it could give you a nice adrenaline rush or make you itchy.

Ted Lilly – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Phillies wasn’t a start I wanted to gamble on.  Sonavabench!

Marcus Thames – 0-for-4.  Back in the lineup and batting third… The .247 career hitting Marcus Thames.  Three ladies and gentlemen, your 2011 Los Angeles Dodgers!

Hanley Ramirez – Finally lands on the DL for the first time in his career.  Check it off the bucket list.

Javier Vazquez – 4 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  After benching or dropping him before his previous solid starts, I figured the only way to get him to throw a terrible game was to stick him in my lineup.  Worked like a charm.  Slanted mouth emoticon.

Jake Peavy – To the DL with a strained right groin.  “Hold on, honey, I’m just straining the fusilli… Wait, is this Jake Peavy’s right groin?”  Talk about an awkward moment.

Alex Rios – He’s out for a mental break, which in the medical community is called “being out to lunch,” but I’m not a doctor, though I did fall asleep watching a Scrubs rerun last night.  For those with questions on Rios, the girl who’s dating me for my fantasy baseball ‘pertise/mustache, dropped him yesterday.  If she can do it, I bet you guys can too.

John Danks – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks and he tied Wilson Valdez with one win.

Matt Garza – 4 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Welcome back!…And bleh.  It’s usually wise to sit a guy coming off the DL until he shows he’s healthy unless he has a good matchup.  Against the Reds wasn’t a good matchup and his next start isn’t much better.

Dexter Fowler – I’ve said this a few times on this web log, but how do teams get away with DL’ing whomever they want?  A few days ago the Rockies were talking about demoting Fowler, now he’s suddenly DL’d.  Don’t have to wear a monocle to find that suspicious.

Charles Blackmon – He’s effectively replacing Fowler.  His AAA stats look great .346/10 HRs/12 SBs but he plays in Colorado Springs which is like Coors sans humidor.  (BTW, doesn’t this guy have a perfect Caribbean name?  U. of Colorado isn’t too far away – could we call him the Buffalo Soldier?)  He hasn’t shown great power or speed in the minors so he may turn out to be somewhere between Spilborghs and Seth Smith.  Wouldn’t be surprised to see him platoon with Spilborghs since he’s a lefty.  Worth a shot in daily leagues, but wouldn’t take a silver bullet for him.

Chris Nelson – 2-for-4 and he’s now started four days in a row.  The Rockies really suffer from too much upside.  All of their guys are intriguing if they’d just play every day.

Brian Matusz – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks and the win.  This start was against an A’s lineup that is ranked 25th or lower in all major hitting categories.  They only have 33 home runs as a team.  That would be bad in the dead ball era.  The Ghost of “Home Run” Baker, “Shut your non-wooden teeth mouth, you rapscallion!”

Anthony Rizzo – Padres are expected to call him up any day now, Annie Potts.  You wait with bated breath.  Or baited if you’re into misspellings.

Frank Francisco – 2/3 IP, 1 ER.  He took the loss and blamed his inability to get major league hitters out.  Wait, no, that was me that blamed that.

Felipe Paulino – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He could throw a gem next time out or he could give up 7 earned in 3 innings.  The mouth on the left side of the screen says “Risk” and the mouth on the right side says “Upside.”

Joakim Soria – Was renamed the closer as the manager said, “Who are we kidding?  We got Alex Gordon leading off, a guy with C cups as our DH… Nothing on our team makes sense except our closer.  Soria’s back in!”

Asdrubal Cabrera – 3-for-4, 2 RBI, 2 runs and his 12th home run.  He prefers if you call him The Drubal.  If you see him in public, lower your eyes.  You don’t meet eyes with The Drubal.

Josh Tomlin – 6 IP, 6 ER.  This was a solid start.  Correction.  No, it wasn’t.

Brennan Boesch – 5-for-6, 5 RBIs and 2 home runs.  Now has 3 home runs in the last three games.  Well, he looked good in April for a second, then he looked terrible in May.  So it seems like you have another 23 days to own him.

Nelson Cruz – I’d mentioned he hit two home runs yesterday but I’m afraid I’m going to jinx him and he’s going to get hurt.  Moving along…

Matt Tolbert – 7 for his last 15, and that’s The Tolbert Report.

Jimmy Rollins – Battling a sore knee.  Going for an MRI.  They should just put an MRI machine behind 2nd base in Philadelphia and Utley/Rollins will decide before each hitter who’ll get x-rayed.  “Reyes is stealing.   Throw to 2nd.  Utley applies the tag….Reyes is out!  And so is Utley for 15 days!”

Brad Lidge – Because of elbow soreness, he’s flying to Philly for exams.  Seems like if someone has elbow soreness the last thing they should be doing is flapping their arms.

It’s always fun when a player is traded from one team to another and doesn’t gain or lose any value whatsoever.  Can’t wait for Moneyball:  The Movie.  After the last image of Billy Beane patting Scott Hatteberg on the butt, the screen fades.  Over black, we read:  After three straight sub-.500 years, Billy Beane, still finding value where no one else is, traded for Conor Jackson, who failed to impress anyone ever but had a career .358 On Base Percentage.  (I imagine Hollywood would spell out OBP.)  Not one dry eye in the entire theater.  Of course, the only ones in the theater are A’s fans, nevertheless!  Pursue Jackson timidly in AL-Only leagues.  Meanwhile, Gerardo Parra will take over for CoJo.  This Parra doesn’t walk people, he runs.  Unfortunately, he hasn’t run enough to make him that interesting in mixed leagues.  Parra’s upside is 7 homers, 15 steals.  He shouldn’t be a liability on average.  Obviously, picking him up depends on your league, but he can be grabbed in NL-Only leagues.  In most mixed leagues, I think there’s gotta be someone more suave than Gerardo.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Aaron Heilman – Will officially take over for Qualls.  Every since Qualls had kneecap n’ crunch last year, he hasn’t seemed right.  Hinch says he’ll let Qualls work in non-pressure situations so he can regain the closer role down the road.  So in leagues where you were hoping to lose him, Qualls once again provides no relief.  Pun point!

Chris Resop – Braves called up Resop because they had no choice due to an out-clause in his contract.  Resop dominated Triple-A to the tune of 1.84 ERA and 81 Ks in 73 1/3 innings.  Right now, he’s nothing more than a middle reliever that gave up 5 earned runs in 2 innings yesterday.

Chipper Jones – 2-for-5 with his 4th homer.  Word is that he’s retiring after this year.  Hopefully he’s not put in charge of the kids’ carpool.  Young lady, don’t for a second think I’m going to believe you were late to school because your father pulled a hammy pouring orange juice.

Melky Cabrera – 2-for-5 and batting near .400 in the last week.  He provides light power and speed, so even a warm Melky will put you to sleep outside of deep leagues.

Chad Billingsley – Placed on the DL with a strained groin.  I blame Alyssa Milano.

Manny Ramirez – Now 6 for his last 8 with 2 homers in his last five games.  This reminds me of what Carlos Lee did recently.  I don’t think Manny’s completely done.  He will get to 25 homers, so now’s as good a time as any.

Matt Lindstrom – Dealing again with back issues from men’s fitness.  Lyon’s the pickup in the mean’s while.  BTW, I wrote the last sentence in a British accent.  Ta!

Justin Masterson -  7 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 2 Ks.  It’s of little consolation, but Jason Donald should’ve been charged with 4 of his runs.  If you can’t hit, at least try and field.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many infield hits in one game.  Wright had an infield single that scored two runners.  I watched it and I’m not even sure how it’s possible.

Travis Hafner – Usually the only reason to own Hafner is to use his head to crack open walnuts, but he has 4 homers in his last 6 games.

Ryan Raburn – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his first homer.  Leyland is so gooftarded that he hit Raburn leadoff.  A guy with a .242 OBP and a .165 average.  Why did he do this?  Because Raburn was playing centerfield for Austin Jackson, who usually hits leadoff.  Somebody please give Leyland some Liquid Paper so he can change around his lineup card.

Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks.  The line looks okay, but I watched the game and he was pretty touch and go like your Uncle who has to register when he moves.

Mark Teixeira – He hit a pop-up that went out for a homer.  The Sphinx sitting in front of Yankee Stadium asks, how is Teixeira hitting .229 with only 10 homers in that park?

Milton Bradley – Hit his 3rd homer in his last 5 games.  I’d grab him in leagues where you need a hot outfielder.  BTW, Milton’s name was the 666th word of this post.  Red rum!

Ervin Santana – 5 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 6 Ks.  After giving up 6 runs in the first two innings, he battled back to make the line look less hideous.  Though the aim of “less hideous” probably wasn’t your goal when owning Ervin.  Or to be time appropriate, goooooooal.

Jeff Suppan – 4 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Suppan would’ve pitched the 5th but Dave Duncan, using all his powers for a respectable 4 innings, self-combusted.

Colby Rasmus – 2-for-4 with his 13th homer as Colby tells me where I can shove my HR/FB%.

C.J. Wilson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (6 BBs), 6 Ks.  You may be wondering how someone can walk that many in a 6 inning game and only give up 2 earned.  Easy.  It was an interleague game in an NL park.

Ian Kennedy – 6 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks offah Yawkey.  You shouldn’t have started him here anyway.

Pedro Alvarez – Latest news that I’ve heard is he’s starting today.  If you know better, get smug.

Andrew McCutchen – 3-for-4 with 3 steals.  I love winning steals in H2H on the first full day of games.  That is all.

Matt Tolbert – Hit a home run.  And that’s The Tolbert Report.

Delmon Young – 3-for-4, 2 Runs and a RBI.  Just pick him up and see where it takes you.

Tyler Colvin – 2-for-4 and a home run.  Steve Stone demanded Colvin get more time, Piniella pretended like it was his idea and Colvin’s responding.

David Hernandez – Got the save yesterday even with Simon back.  After watching Hernandez hit 96 MPH, I kinda think the O’s should just stay with him.  He has more closery stuff, but he is wild as any turkey ever was.  I’d continue to hold both Hernandez and Simon until someone emerges.

Brian Roberts – Out for another 6 weeks.  Maybe he’s trying to save up his energy for his run at 2011′s Comeback Player honors.  Even after 6 weeks, he still has to go to the minors to rehab, which is a chance to reinjure himself.  Then if he does play for the O’s, he’s not going to be stealing like he would.  If you got a mediocre 30 games from him this year, I’d be impressed.

Adam Jones – 2-for-4 with a homer and hitting .342 over his last ten games.  It’s not Player of the Month-type gas, but at least he’s cooking with something.

Joe Martinez – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Can’t believe the Giants chose Joe Martinez instead of Bumgarner.  Shouldn’t he be Jose Martinez?  Or Joe Martin?

Felipe Paulino – 4 2/3 IP, 8 ER, 14 baserunners, 2 Ks and 6 fantasy owner’s teeth that he kicked in.

Todd Helton – I saw the box score and it read Helton (2, 6th inning blah blah blah) and I was like, “Wow, Helton hit two homers,” then I realized I read it wrong and he only has 2 homers on the year.  Maybe Helton and Chipper can alternate carpool days.  BTW, I have a new feature that I want implemented into all box scores.  In-game box scores should have a little symbol that indicates who is in line for the Win.  Can be an asterisk, I don’t care.  But when it’s a 5-4 game in the 8th and both starters are out, I want to know who’s in line for the Win.  I don’t know how we get this implemented.  But I want it now!

Clay Buchholz – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Whoa, I’m having a vision of the future.  I’m seeing Buchholz win 18 games to lead the AL, finish in the top 3 in the Cy Young voting and become overrated for next season.  Oh, and in the future Ashton Kutcher does a movie with a talking rooster that is voiced by Brad Garrett.  It’s called Dumb Cock.

Josh Johnson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks and has a 1.86 ERA on the year.  As his brother Gosh says, “Golly.”

I was alerted yesterday in our fantasy baseball forums that Ozzie Guillen will be sitting Alexei Ramirez for Jayson Nix.  And it may not be for just one game.  This makes perfect sense.  A guy who has never played a game at shortstop in the major leagues.  A guy who got the Rockies starting job at 2nd last year and hit .125 and 2 extra-base hits in 56 ABs.  A guy who couldn’t hold off Omar Quintanilla for the utility man role in Colorado.  A guy whose last name says it all.   So potatoes to chips, what does this mean for us?  It means we’re screwed in the screwhole!  What do you think it means?  No, actually, I think this is just a wakeup call.  Member how Victorino was benched for Werth last May?  Yeah, me too.  Alexei will get back his starting job and should be fine.  Also, shortstop is so weak on talent that it pays to wait this out for a bit.  (BTW, “potatoes to chips” is my new favorite phrase that means nothing.)  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Derrek Lee – His neck spasms are acting up again.  This could be an ongoing issue all year.  Just when you think he’s out of the dark, someone shuts off the lights.

Lance Berkman – HR yesterday.  Left April batting .162, now is batting .194.

Oliver Perez – Disgraceful List.  He’s out with a strain to his ability to pitch effectively.  No timetable for his return.

Albert Pujols – 11th homer yesterday as he went 4-for-4.  The rest of the team had 3 hits.  Imagine what Pujols would do if they weren’t pitching around him.

Mitchell Boggs – Gave up 2 earned runs, but left the game after four and a third because of the inability to stop walking batters.

Nick Markakis – I am Sparkakis!

Kelly Johnson – DNP.  He’s in Cox’s doghouse pretty good this time.  Maybe dressing up as Gene Larkin for last Halloween wasn’t the best idea.

Jorge Cantu – HR yesterday, now has 30 RBIs.  Here’s what Rudy and I said after the first game of the season, “Hitting behind Ramirez for the rest of the season can only help.  It’s too early to predict a repeat of his 92/29/95 2008 season, but he’ll be a bigger bargain than most drafted cornermen.”  And that’s me quoting us!

Matt Capps – Says he could come back by Saturday.  Hold Grabow for now because I have my doubts.

Jake Peavy – 7 IP, 2 ER, 12 Ks.  With four of their top five hitters being Giles, Eckstein, Hairston and Gerut, they couldn’t beat the Washington Generals.

Kevin Slowey – 3 IP, 3 ER.  Unfortunately, the rain came and didn’t allow Slowey to fix a bad first inning.

Matt Tolbert – With Alexi Casilla sent down, Tolbert played 2nd base.   He should fit perfectly into the Twins plans for a weak offense.

Justin Upton – 2 HRs yesterday.  Okay, this might sound crazy, but has anyone seen him and BJ hit a homer in the same game?  Maybe him and BJ share a shoulder.

Cameron Maybin/Emilio Bonifacio – Their averages are moving closer and closer to each other and that really isn’t an endorsement for either.  On the bright side, Maybin has been seeing more time in the number two spot.

Felipe Lopez – Back from a sore ankle and stole two bases.  Sounds like someone was faking.

Manny Parra – 119 pitches through 6 innings, some walks and some Ks.  And this was a good matchup for him.  Pretty much exactly the kind of game Parra will throw.

Elvis Andrus – HR yesterday.  Of course, I just traded him away.

Aramis Ramirez – HR yesterday.  Guess he’s put his “cramps” behind him.

Randy Johnson – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER, Zero Ks.  The humidor zapped the mullet’s strength!  Mullet… Must… Get… Fresh… Air…

Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 Ks.  Was a perfect matchup for the man with the greatest first name in the majors.  If you were to read between the words there, I’m basically saying I still don’t trust him for every start.

Matt Murton – HR yesterday for the Rockies.  He actually makes good sense in the Rox lineup when they’re facing lefties.  Could be a solid pickup in NL-Only daily leagues where you can work a platoon.

Aaron Hill – 7th homer yesterday.  Who was the pickup of the year so far?  If you have to ask, you don’t own Aaron Hill.

Joe Beimel – Back in action! In the 9th inning!  Of a blowout?

Clayton Kershaw – See what I said about Parra and put it on a better team in a pitcher’s park.

Russell Martin – 3-for-5, 7 for his last 14.  Might be coming out of his early season sassafras. (<–Fun word used incorrectly!)

Bronson Arroyo – 1 IP, 9 ER.  Afterward, he played a song on his guitar.  It went like this, “I suck, suckers… Suck, suck, suck, suckers…”  Pretty catchy actually.

Ryan Braun – Grand slam and 6 RBIs.  If I may venture a guess, Braun will hit well when he’s playing then take a few games a month to recoup (cortisone shot).  Remember, 75% of Braun is Brau.  As in Lowenbrau.  Which is delicious.

Chan Ho Park – Dueled Johan Santana through 6 innings, giving up only 1 hit.  In other news, pigs can fly.

Joe Crede – Sat out because of an upset tummy.  If I ran a major league team, any time a player wanted to sit out for a minor ailment, I’d have them report their condition to Cal Ripken.  Just call him up and tell him you’re sitting out because you had Thai food for lunch.  Might think twice about ordering the Larb.