$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for $10 schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Joe Nathan, MIN (Matt Guerrier, Dennys Reyes, Jesse Crain)
2. Jonathan Papelbon, BOS (Hideki Okajima)
3. Brad Lidge, PHI (Ryan Madson, Chad Durbin)
4. Mariano Rivera, NYY (Joba Chamberlain, Jose Veras)
5. Joakim Soria, KAN (Ramon Ramirez)
6. Francisco Rodriguez, LAA (Jose Arredondo, Scot Shields, Justin Speier)


Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkey-corns.

7. Bobby Jenks, CHW (Octavio Dotel, Matt Thornton, Scott Linebrink)
8. Francisco Cordero, CIN (David Weathers)
9. Jonathan Broxton, LAD (Hong-Chih Kuo, Joe Beimel)
10. Jose Valverde, HOU (Doug Brocail)
11. Salomon Torres, MIL (Eric Gagne, Guillermo Mota)
12. Brian Wilson, SAN (Tyler Walker)
13. Brian Fuentes, COL (Manny Corpas, Taylor Buchholz)
14. B.J. Ryan, TOR (Scott Downs)
15. Frank Francisco, TEX (Joaquin Benoit)
16. Brandon Lyon, ARI (Jon Rauch, Tony Pena, Chad Qualls)
17. Trevor Hoffman, SDG (Heath Bell)
18. Chris Perez, STL (Ryan Franklin, Chris Carpenter)


I’m going to a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Troy Percival– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and broke Pena’s thumb with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

19. Kerry Wood, CHI (Carlos Marmol, Bob Howry, Jeff Samardzija)
20. Matt Capps/John Grabow, PIT (Denny Bautista)
21. Brad Ziegler, OAK (Huston Street, Joey Devine)
22. Jensen Lewis, CLE (Rafael Betancourt, Rafael Perez)
23. Fernando Rodney, DET (Kyle Farnsworth)
24. J.J. Putz, SEA (Sean Green)
25. Mike Gonzalez, ATL (Blaine Boyer, Will Ohman)
26. Joel Hanrahan, WAS (Saul Rivera)
27. Troy Percival, TAM (Dan Wheeler, Grant Balfour, J.P. Howell)
28. Luis Ayala, NYM (Billy Wagner, Aaron Heilman, Al Reyes, Duaner Sanchez)
29. Matt Lindstrom/Joe Nelson, FLA (Kevin Gregg)
30. Jamie Walker, Dennis Sarfate, Jim Palmer, Senator Clay Davis, BAL (George Sherrill)

  1. Steve says:

    @Grey: As a follow-up to my CF question, I guess I’d like a little more speed, but without damaging my AVE too much. And right in the middle of the playoffs is probably not the time to be taking big risks.
    I don’t feel like I’ve got to race to the wire and dump Nady for one of the guys I mentioned, but he hasn’t had a great week and I don’t want to get caught in a slide that might run til the end of the season – and I don’t realise it until it’s too late.
    BTW – it’s Fathers’ Day here, so happy FD to any Razzballing dads.

  2. wassup says:

    I’ve heard some news that Ramon Hernandez will be limited to 4 starts per week pretty soon cuz hes old and its end of the season. They’ve called up a few guys too so im guessing I should drop him. Out of these, who should I drop him for? Shoppach, Barajas, Suzuki?

  3. yak says:

    If you had to go with one, for EVERYDAY, for the rest of the year….Do you want Tyler Perry movies or Sarah Jessica Parker movies? I need unintentional comedy>intended comedy>plot>oscar nominations…

  4. Grey

    Grey says:

    @Steve: Happy Father’s Day, man. Go get blotto and embarrass your family (again). It’s your day!

    If you’re after speed and average, Span is your man. I wouldn’t touch Cameron if average is something to be wary of.

    @wassup: Grab Shoppach.

    @yak: SJP

  5. BigFatHippo says:

    @Steve: Happy one to you too. If I’d have known it was Father’s Day in Auckland I’d have got the little Hippos this weekend. As it is, I’ll spend my Sunday with football, baseball and beer.

    The horror.

    @Grey: You dig chick flicks man? Or are you just trying to butter up the significant other.

  6. BigFatHippo says:

    I don’t care who wins the Dodgers-D’backs game so long as it’s 0-0 in the ninth.

    Webb vs. Billingsley, sheesh, can’t sit either one.

  7. Grey

    Grey says:

    @BigFatHippo: re: movies — Did you see my choices?

    Webb barely got out of the third but now he’s coasting again– Oops, there goes Kemp singling.

  8. Steve says:

    @Grey: Cameron is tempting as my AVE has been a problem all year anyway. But in the middle of H2H playoffs I figure I need to give myself the best possible shot at all categories.
    I do like the look of Span too – but Nady is still pretty serviceable, yes?

  9. Grey

    Grey says:

    @Steve: If steals were really an issue, I would look at Span. If they weren’t that pressing, I would stay with Nady.

  10. Steve says:

    @Grey: Now that I think a little more about it, the guy I will face in the semis (all continuing to go well this week) has Reyes, Victorino and Ellsbury, so hard to compete with that anyway in terms of SBs.
    Think the X-Man will better suit my needs for now.

  11. Grey

    Grey says:

    @Steve: Yeah, you can’t compete with those guys probably. If you’re close going into the weekend then you can chase him on steals.

  12. BigFatHippo says:

    Scherzer’s starting tomorrow for the Unit. Don’t know if you saw that.

    Let’s hope Mr Magoo’s not in right field again.

  13. royce! says:

    OR- Brian Wilson (3 ARI, 4 @ SD)?

  14. royce! says:

    @BigFatHippo: Think he’ll take over someone’s spot if he dominates? I’m thinking Percival might not be worth hanging on to, considering almost everyone from him to Wilson on Grey’s list above is available in my league…

  15. wassup says:

    Why is Frank Fransico at # 15? Is he that good? Should I pick him over lewis and capps?

  16. BigFatHippo says:

    @royce!: They’re now trailing the Dodgers so I would think they’d have to do something. Davis or Petit maybe. Of course that all hinges on his start tomorrow, I wouldn’t sell the farm for him.

  17. BSA says:

    Alright as I head into the playoffs with Ankiel on my bench (weekly H2H) and Fielder just simmering I was thinking of dropping Ankiel for Konerko, then moving Fielder to Utility and Konerko to first with thoughts that I’d rather drop Ankiel than Atkins. What do you think – move or stand pat?

  18. Grey

    Grey says:

    @BigFatHippo: @royce!: Yeah, I saw that and I’d grab Scherzer if he were available.

    @royce!: It’s sorta apples and apples if all you want is saves, but I’d probably go Wilson there.

    @wassup: Francisco has 73 Ks in 56 IP, Capps is on the Pirates and coming off injury and Lewis has given up 4 ER in the last three appearances and could lose his job to someone else. Yes, Francisco’s better than both of those guys. Much better than Lewis.

  19. Grey

    Grey says:

    @BSA: Drop Ankiel.

  20. BSA says:

    Nelson Cruz, Konerko, or any other smokin’ bats for that spot. Nice to McLouth come back around so I go into the playoffs with McLouth, Grandy, and Markakis in the outfield. I have been rotating through catchers – 3 weeks ago Ianetta, last week Varitek, and now Shoppach. Any catchers heating up under the radar? Grey you mentioned someone but I forgot his name, which means he mat have cooled.

  21. knighttown says:

    Padres, you should be ashamed. And no, not cause Catholic priests touch little boys. Jake Peavy has got to demand a trade after his last week. He throws 15 innings of 1 run ball, with a million K’s and gets zero wins. Fie.

    In the Phillies vs. Santana match tomorrow, do I sit any of the big boys against Johan? Utley is .148, Rollins is a switch hitter but 1 for 10 and Howard traditionally is poor vs. lefties but is .350 against Santana in limited AB’s.

    I’d be sneaing in Konerko vs. Saunders, Cruz vs. Byrd or Matsui vs. Silva.

  22. BSA says:

    Screw my question, Cruz 2 for 2 HRs answered that, unless going on the road next week could be a cool off for him.

  23. wassup says:

    So are you saying immediately drop Lewis for Frank Francisco? Just wondering cuz if yes i will do it. Also, wondering why Ryan Franklin got the save tonight and not Perez…maybe a injury or something?

  24. BSA says:

    Atkins doinks me twice. The guy I am going up against has Oswalt tonight so not only did Atkins have an Ofer night but his last strikeout gave Oswalt the CG Win. Atkins the Ass I traded for. Hello?! Did you leave your bat on the road?

  25. Grey

    Grey says:

    @BSA: Sandoval has some upside.

    @knighttown: I wouldn’t sit any of my big guys.

    @wassup: I’d drop Lewis for Francisco if you have no room for both. Perez didn’t get the save because he blew two saves in back to back games, which isn’t good obviously.

  26. wassup says:

    Cleveland has 8 games this upcoming week. Shouldnt I wait a while to drop Jensen Lewis? I was going to drop him til I found out Cleveland has 8 games this week with a doubleheader on Sunday. I will probably drop Perez for Franscico. Your thoughts?

  27. Steve says:

    I think Mike G and Hanrahan should have a category of their own.

    You could call it Useless F****.

  28. wassup says:

    Is it time to drop Mor?? My playoffs start on Monday and Im facing a pretty tough opponent so I cant afford to miss stats especially on monday and thursdays when there arent that much games. I need every stat I can get so should I drop Mora for someone at least decent or should I wait it out. My guess is drop him because he will probably not be as productive when he comes off his injury. here are the possible guys on the waiver wire. Winn, Votto, Kubel, Hardy. Or should I just keep Mora

  29. Steve says:

    @Grey: Returning to the subject of Nady, have grabbed Church of the wire and thinking of starting him in Nady’s place for the Phils’ doubleheader tomorrow.
    Good move?
    Have picked up Tatis too – is he worth a shot?

  30. Grey

    Grey says:

    @wassup: Yeah, go from Perez to Francisco. Grab Votto.

    @Steve: I’d play any guy’s in a DH. Yeah, I’d go Church over Nady and Tatis (depending on who you’re sitting).

  31. chuck says:

    Being behind in just about every pitching category yesterday, I added De La Rosa, Wandy, and Glen Perkins, but by this morning saw that I was winning WHIP by .05, ERA by .43, and K’s by 2. I have no chance at wins, and he’s got no one going today. Are any of these 3 guys worth starting, or do I rely on my donkey-corns to keep the lead?

  32. chuck says:

    My bad. I’m losing K’s by 2, if it matters at all.

  33. cruisinkc says:

    Is Josh Johnson a safe play @ STL today?

  34. wassup says:

    @cruisink: yea, im saying its pretty safe. Josh Johnson has been excellent recently and the opposing pitcher he is facing is pitcher named pineiro. I would do it

  35. BSA says:

    Hey Grey, After a night’s rest I went back in, dropped Cruz and grabbed Ethier since I know Cruz is going on the road and Ethier has pretty consistently been mashing and stealing. Much to my chagrin in the RCL.

  36. Grey

    Grey says:

    @chuck: I wouldn’t start them.

    @cruisinkc: Should be fairly safe, say 6 IP, 3 ER.

    @wassup: He’s pitching against Wainwright.

    @BSA: Surprised you’re still able to get Ethier, but cool.

  37. p0rk burn says:

    @Grey: RCL update teaser – p0rk currently trails Cruisin’ by 1 point, 138.5 to 137.5. Third is still 10 or 12 points back.

  38. BSA says:

    You know what is impressive there is the number of moves made. PB needs to give an off season tutorial on drafting in a 16 team league.

  39. Steve says:

    @Grey: Oops. The ol’ DH plan not going so well so far.

    Benched Nady and Hawpe (horrible against Wandy) for Church and Tatis. My boys are 3/22 currently.

    Leading 7-4 but it’s a shaky 7-4…

  40. Grey

    Grey says:

    @BSA: What do you mean? He’s done a lot of moves or not that many?

    @Steve: Today’s the last day right? Or is it two weeks?

  41. Steve says:

    @Grey: It’s the last day.

    My team is, like, 8/54 the last two days and Mike G and Hanrahan killed my ERA yesterday, although thanks to Lewis and Perez today I’m back ahead in saves and ERA (ERA is the tiebreaker), but there’s plenty of time for that to change.

    I’m expecting the worst…

  42. p0rk burn says:

    @Grey: I’ve made 11 moves in total this season, all of them from the free agent pool. Almost all of the moves have been reacting to season-ending injuries or players demoted to AAA because of trades (damn you Dewitt and Laffey).

    Believe it or not there are 2 other teams who have made even less moves. No Glove No Love, sitting in 3rd place 16 points back, has made 6 moves and The J.O.B. squad, in 4th 18.5 points back, has made 9.

  43. Grey

    Grey says:

    @Steve: Eh, you’ll be fine.

    @p0rk burn: That makes sense. I do think there’s less moves to make the deeper a league. i.e. I’ve probably made three time the amount of moves in my 10 team league compared to my 15 team league and my team is doing much better in my 10 team league. In my NL-Only keeper league, I’ve done just about nothing because there’s not much to do — there’s just no players.

  44. p0rk burn says:

    @Grey: I agree 300%. In the shallow leagues there is something to be gained because good players can’t fit on rosters. In the RCL one schmoe is another schmoe. I have a theory that abandoning a cold or slumping player for one who is on a hot streak runs the risk of leaving you with the dude that is just cooling off while the other guy hits his stride. Don’t tell anybody else, its a secret.

  45. Grey

    Grey says:

    @p0rk burn: BTW, how’s the thesis coming along where you compare similar teams in H2H vs. Roto?

  46. Steve says:

    @Grey: Watching the Dodgers? Is Broxton throwing as hard as Gameday says he is?

  47. Grey

    Grey says:

    @Steve: He looks nasty, as always. I hope Saito meets the same fate as Ricardo Montalban in The Naked Gun.

  48. BigFatHippo says:

    @Grey: Ha!

    Maybe Saito will have to meet with Dr Papschmeer.


    Any football fans out there? I’m in a quandary, down 5 pts, he has Wayne going tonight, I have Grant tomorrow but against Minnesota D. I could play Forte tonight against Indy, should I do it?

    Hurry please…………..

  49. BigFatHippo says:

    @Grey: Sorry to turn it into a football forum man, but I trust these guys opinions. Carry on……………….

  50. Steve says:

    @Grey: That’s some pretty good relief pitching by my boys Kuo and Broxton right there.

    Has pretty much nailed down the win for me this week, too!

    Re: Saito – I dropped him when it looked like he was done – would be pretty unhappy to see him come back and reclaim the closer’s role at this stage.

  51. p0rk burn says:

    @Grey: Its been pushed to the back burner for a slow simmer. Sauces are better when the ingredients have time to come together. Too many interviews and too many baby appointments. I don’t mean to hurt you when I say this, but you’ve been knocked down the list of priorities.

    @BigFatHippo: You’ve obviously committed by now but let me weigh in. Whatever decision you made was the right one until its proven wrong. I’d prefer Grant over the rookie but not only does he have the tough D, he also didnt play in the preseason. The rookie will probably see a lot of action against a softer D since Chicago’s passing attack is mildly retarded, but that doesnt necessarily mean a good thing. I think I could defend against the Bears passing game, leaving 7 guys in the box all night to stuff the run. Which one did you end up going with?

  52. p0rk burn says:

    I know its an audience of two here (shout out to Grey and Large Obese Riverhorse out there in the crowd!) but I wanted to point out that for the first time since week 2 of the RCL Cruisin’ does not have sole possession of first. Thanks in large part to Jose Lopez going yard twice today we are tied at 138.5. I’ve got Camels pitching and we’re pretty close in ERA and WHIP, hopefully the right thing happens instead of Cruisin’ reclaiming the lead.

    Get your fightin’ drawers on (the brown ones that don’t show stains) because its going to be a tight finish.

  53. Steve says:

    @p0rk burn: Three, in fact.

  54. Grey

    Grey says:

    @p0rk burn: Tight finishes usually call for loose drawers.

  55. BigFatHippo says:

    @p0rk burn: Went with Forte for this reason.

    Peyton didn’t play one snap in the preseason, his pro bowl center Jeff Saturday is out for 6 weeks, not sure how smooth that offense can run against the Bears D.

    Hoping they keep it close which should lead to a running attack for the Bears, with Hester giving them good field position. Isn’t that always the case with the Bears?

    As for Grant, not sure he’ll even play. The NFL has become watergate as far as the injury report goes.

  56. BigFatHippo says:

    And Forte runs a 50 yard TD as we speak, sweeeeeetttttttt

  57. BSA says:

    Just got in from a full day outside with the family post-Hannah.

    PB, I am impressed with your rise. It’s especially nasty that you predicted it in day one. BALLS call for loose drawers!

    Hey what happened to McLouth today – CBS has the nasty little red cross next to his name? Should he sit this week or is it a flesh wound? He was heating up nicely.

    Hippo, Think Belichek jinxed Brady since today was the first game EVER that Brady has not been on the injury list?

  58. BigFatHippo says:

    @BSA: re: Brady

    I don’t even want to think about it. Counting on Moss in my big money league, do we really think Matt Cassel can provide the production Brady does? Ugghhhh

  59. BSA says:

    @BigFatHippo: Sad thing for you is, as you should know, you won’t have a clue about Brady’s condition until he either shows up to play or doesn’t on Sunday. If he doesn’t play against a division rival it must be bad.

  60. BSA says:

    Hey with next week being week one of playoffs in weekly H2H and McLouth being up in the air should I sit tight or bench McLouth, drop Atkins, and pick up Werth. Save your typing – I know, I know, he shouldn’t be available!

  61. Grey

    Grey says:

    @BSA: re: McLouth — He left today’s game because he slid for a bloop and it hit him in the eye and shattered his glasses. It did not look good and I’d be hesitant to start him in weekly lineups.

  62. BSA says:

    Once again looks like we were typing at the same time.

  63. Grey

    Grey says:

    @BSA: The news is vague about how long McLouth will be outh. I wouldn’t start him in a weekly league.

  64. p0rk burn says:

    @BSA: The word on the street is Brady tore his ACL and he’s done for the year. For complete karmic justice it would have been that shoulder finally giving out after 5 years of being listed as probable because of a shoulder issue.

    I don’t know what’s with McLouth, Y? doesn’t have any information on an injury – wait, that didn’t surprise you did it? He did only have 2 ABs with no walks so obviously something came up. If he is out for a significant amount of time I’m ready to get worried. After locking up the #1 seed I’ve seen my team start to fall apart at an incredible rate. El Caballo in early August, Kinsler now done for the year, C.Guile realizing he’s old, and now today Ty Wiggy pulls a groin and is listed day-to-day. I’m no doctor but I think its pretty hard to be back a day or two after pulling a groin. The team has been held together with bacon drippings and pure stubborness; I don’t have a good feeling about this week for the first round of playoffs.

    My thimble of a bail bucket was to pick up Casey Blake and Joey Votto. That still leaves me with Stephen Drew and Uggla playing. Not where I want to be as I try to threepeat.

  65. BSA says:

    @p0rk burn: Are shittin’ me on Brady? Name your source!

  66. BSA says:

    @Grey: OK, dropping Atkins and benching McLouth. Pick up Werth, Votto, Zimmerman, or Derosa?

  67. BSA says:

    @p0rk burn: The problem with the source I found on Brady is that Tomase wrote about it. Yes that videogate Tomase, we’ll see.

    Playing the averages, Brady is probably done! Keep your eyes out in Boston bars for Belicheck.

  68. p0rk burn says:

    @BSA: Its the buzz on the interwebs right now. Just google news search Brady and ACL and take your pick.

    I’m sticking behind Atkins, he’s definitely cold right now but he’s been the type of player to come out of slumps with a vengeance. Unless I’ve paid too much attention to football lately I have to believe that he’s due. Thats also me hoping my own sake.

    Zimmerman was an enticing free agent when I was making moves but my problems are mostly in the outfield and middle-infield. I’d go with Zims and hope the flashes we’re seeing are going to last another three weeks if I needed the 3rd bag help.

  69. BSA says:

    @p0rk burn: Yeah thanks on that. CBS league only has two weeks left and Atkins cold streak has continued both on the road and at home.

  70. Grey

    Grey says:

    @BSA: I’d pick them up in that order.

  71. BSA says:

    Small monkey wrench – Atkins can’t be dropped which means I would probably have to drop McLouth. With only one or two weeks left I am thinking I will get more value out of Werth, Votto, or Zimm. Correct or am I too jumpy?

  72. Grey

    Grey says:

    @BSA: Yeah, I’d drop him. Not much time to wait for people to bounce back.

  73. knighttown says:

    Who the heck do I sit between Butler and Konerko at Utility right now. Both are red hot. Or do I sit Prince and play both?

  74. JR says:

    Went through all the ups and downs today in my semi-final (Young’s near no-no, Wood’s blown save, my Greinke v. his Lee, my Jenks v. his K-Rod). Lost by two points when CoJack left Krispie on deck to end the game… Then went to get a drink…

    Oh, shit. It’s a doubleheader; came back to find Delgado with 2 knocks and a two-point win…

    Si, se puede! Si, se puede!

  75. Nick says:

    @Grey: Start Cameron or Markakis tomorrow? Also what about Wiggington, should I hold onto him and hope he’s back soon or drop him for someone whos hot right now? If drop, who would you pickup?

  76. Steve says:

    Phew. All over and 9-2 to the good guys. Never in doubt – ha!

    On to the semis where a very winnable match-up awaits…

  77. Steve says:

    I’ve got too many hitters as it is, but is Konerko too hot to ignore?

    He needs to clear waivers…

  78. Grey

    Grey says:

    @knighttown: It would be ideal if you could day by day. I’d sit Butler tomorrow.

    @JR: Nice!

    @Nick: Markakis for tomorrow. I wouldn’t wait around for Wigginton. I need some possible replacements for me to tell you who I would pick up.

    @Steve: Nice on the win. I’d grab Konerko.


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