The anonymity of the internet lends itself to a very silly recklessness. If one is to climb the peak of jacked-in skullduggery, one must recognize the effect of becoming the Nameless (I’m sure this Game of Thrones mention ends up being the new show’s top related search result, hello new followers). When one writes with a nom de plume, they tend to take chances regarding style and content that they may not otherwise attempt. It’s like the concept of liquid courage, except it’s not really like alcohol, but the courage thing has the word ‘courage’? Grey will never know the true joys of a good nom de plume, which is a pity, as I’d love to hear his sardonic wit rend his name into something fresh and exciting. You know he’d think of something really kooky, like Auburn Nonedark. What a maroon!
Another good example of this is Stephen King and Richard Bachman. King invented Bachman so he could write stylistically radical novels like the one that was discontinued because it may have inspired school shootings…or the Philip K. Dick-type stuff (Running Man), and then the one about a guy cursed by a racist caricature…who, um, gets really thin. Do you think that King would have written these books if his own good name was attached to them? The guy who wrote books about murder trucks, a space clown that’s kind of a giant spirit turtle that also has a graphic sexu…. Never mind. Trying to think if there was anyone else…
Ah yes, when XTC made the incredible 60’s garage records as the Dukes of the Stratosphear, which were…hmm. They were excellent and pulled from the same sources as their mainline entries. Maybe when Jimmy Page played guitar on Roy Harper’s transcendent Stormcock, but due to contract issues had to appear as S. Flavius Mercurius. My god what an amazing pen name. Everyone should listen to that record three times, by the by, and then they’re allowed an afternoon snack, then off to an afternoon of heavy kipping for the all of you.
My point about anonymity was meant to segue smoothly into my thesis regarding crediting the writers of our hallowed Blurbs. Instead, we have a clause that attempts to critique my inability to write a transition sentence with a tired fourth wall-breaking gimmick. Then we have this clause, which chooses to lean into the already tired gimmick, in a desperate gambit meant to ensure readers they have not wasted their hard-earned eyesight. This clause states my thesis: The world of blurbs is better off with blurbs being uncredited. While I like dissecting blurbs, I don’t like stomping on them to cause said previous dissection. People are mad these days, let’s not give them yet another avenue to cover our internet lawns with yet more of their invective-filled toilet paper rolls of rage.
So hear this, ye websites who post the authors of each blurb, take down these words we attach to people permanently and cast them down into the earth! Unless they actually asked to be credited, in which case I support your decision but worry for your safety. Everyone should be credited for their ideas, especially the person who invented the wheel. Thanks to you, unknown inventor of the wheel, the Earth is crumbling into a bone-dry panko-encrusted pumice orb. We couldn’t just live nomadically and in harmony with nature?
A Blurbstomp Reminder
We will analyze player blurbs from a given evening, knowing that 1-2 writers are usually responsible for all the player write-ups posted within an hour of the game results. We will look at:
- Flowery Diction – how sites juice up descriptions of player performance
- (Parent)hetical Trap – say the first word fast
- Q and Q – when good numbers are used for bad reasons
- This One for the Haters – Shohei is my best friend, friends. You’ve all been demoted
- Stephen A. Smith IMG_4346.jpeg Award – Given to the player blurb that promises the most and delivers the least.
- Bob Nightengale Syndrome – instances of updates that don’t update anything
The hope is that by season’s end, we’ll all feel more confident about our player evaluations when it comes to the waiver wire. We will read blurbs and not be swayed by excessive superlatives, faulty injury reporting, and micro-hype. I will know that I have done my job when Grey posts, and there isn’t a single question about catchers that he did not address in his post. Onward to Roto Wokeness!
Flowery Diction
Byron Buxton is back in the Twins’ starting lineup for Monday’s showdown against the Rangers.
Buxton is starting in center field and batting third on Monday evening after sitting out Sunday’s contest against the Rangers. The 28-year-old fantasy stalwart has been mired in a mini-slump at the dish recently, but is hitting .222/.303/.527 with a career-high 28 home runs and five stolen bases across 379 plate appearances in 91 games overall this season.
Source: Rotoworld
There are possible reasons that the word ‘stalwart’ appears in this blurb:
- The blurbist is actively punking me
- The blurbist has gone back to a favorite
We now have Byron Buxton playing the role a week after calling Kyle Tucker a fantasy baseball stalwart. Again, synonyms for stalwart include loyal, faithful, dependable, and most importantly, reliable. They’ve got to be punking me at this point, yes? If so, a solid punking has been had. The guy has all the talent, ability, and motivation to be truly great, but his body is not dependable. He’s out again after reinjuring his hip. This also reminds me of a pet peeve: baseball followers (not fans, fans actually enjoy the sport of baseball) that views a player injury as a failing of the player. Scroll through any oft-injured stars’ Twitter mentions from beat writers and you’ll find JoeyG188873335 saying, “Xander Boegarts more like Scrub BlowFarts this guy sucks, dude doesn’t care about his team, baseball used to be abt Real Men.” I wish I was joking. In fact, don’t go looking at Twitter for that. Live your life, unplug everything, especially your refrigerator and your iron lung, and just go disappear into the woods. It’s safe, just stay off the trails and remember to keep moving in random directions if you get lost. Also, cover yourself with food, and drink as much standing water as you can find. Final note, make sure to move quietly through the woods. It’s much safer to startle wildcats or bears, as they will be more willing to share their rations with you (especially if you’re still covered with food).
So yeah, Byron Buxton is the antithesis of stalwart. He rules though.
Parent(thetical) Trap
Brewers placed LHP Aaron Ashby on the 15-day injured list, retroactive to August 20, with left shoulder inflammation.
Ashby’s shoulder began bothering him when he was playing catch on Sunday. The Brewers are confident that it’s a minor injury, so perhaps he’ll be ready to return when his 15 days are up. Ashby had been slated to start Wednesday against the Dodgers but now that assignment could fall to Adrian Houser (forearm).
Source: Rotoedgesportsworld.com
I do appreciate blurbs that let me know which part of the body an athlete has injured, but the practice still catches me by surprise, and I find myself reading the player’s name with the injured body part as the latter section of a hyphenated last name. Adrian Houser becomes Adrian Houser-Forearm. This self-same blurb should include Aaron Ashby-Shoulder. All of this has me pondering the future of our surnames. Yes, people change their last names when they get married, or they want to disown their horrible families. I’m not saying go and change your name to Tanning Chatum, I’m just begging people to escape the prison of surnames in the Anglicized West. I am also imagining a world where a name change is as easy as changing your username on a given social media site. Identity theft would disappear because everyone would refresh their names every week like a bad password. My dream names?
- Earthworm Jim
- Hercule Poirot
- Bananas Beardperson
- Morgan Freemason
- 420_69 George-Washington
- Samwise Cockswain
- Central Leatherstocking Region
Q&Q
Giovanny Gallegos tossed a perfect ninth inning on the mound for the Cardinals Sunday, striking out one and picking up the save in the Cardinals’ 6-4 win over the Diamondbacks.
Gallegos has held opponents scoreless in six of seven relief appearances this month for the Cardinals, posting a 1.29 ERA with seven strikeouts in that span. The right-hander continues to battle with Ryan Helsley for meaningful late-inning relief situations, posting a 3.11 ERA and 1.01 WHIP with 57 strikeouts and 12 saves in 44 relief appearances this season.
Source: Fantasypros.com
Giovanny Gallegos – 0 wins, 3 losses, and 3 saves since July
Ryan Helsley – 4 W/0 L/6 saves since July
Yes. Truly neck and neck in this battle for bullpen dominance. Helsley will be out till the end of the week, but if I’m him, I’m taking full paternity leave so I can spend a week or two deciding a baby name that will be immediately be changed to ‘Goo Butt’ the minute the child has gained sentience.
This One For the Haters
Shohei Ohtani (illness) is absent from the Angels’ starting lineup for Monday’s series opener against the Rays.
No surprise here after Ohtani was removed from Sunday’s start against the Tigers after pitching just four innings due to a stomach virus. The 28-year-old two-way sensation will get an extra day off to rest and recover with Mike Trout taking over as the Angels’ designated hitter on Monday evening. Fantasy managers should consider him day-to-day for now.
Source: Rotoedgesportsworld.com
Really says something when the idea of Shohei Ohtani-Illness makes me anxious, not for his health, but for the building wave of haters popping up to say he’s soft, or coddled, or that we’re making excuses for him finally having a pretty bad inning of pitching. Could you imagine having two true generational talents on the team, but then surrounding that talent with terrible player development in the minors?
Look, Ohtani could miss the rest of the season and he should still win the MVP. My new favorite Twitter guy is the one who is faced with acknowledging that Shohei both hits and pitches, and responds with, “That’s true, but that means any guy who hits and pitches will win the MVP going forward.” Friend, it does not mean that. It never will. When the Pirates finally sign me to pitch and hit for them, I’ll prove your point wrong in spades. And they will sign me. Especially if I give myself a good pirate name, like Bligh Madris or Captain Swarthy Peter.
Flowery Diction
Mark Canha clobbered two home runs and collected five RBI on Sunday, propelling the Mets to a 10-9 comeback victory over the Phillies.
Canha clocked a three-run shot off Phillies reliever Connor Brogdon in the seventh inning and also delivered a go-ahead two-run blast of Phillies stopper David Robertson in the ninth inning to finish off a three-hit effort. It was his third career multi-homer performance and the first time he’s accomplished the feat since August 25, 2019. The 33-year-old veteran slugger is up to 10 home runs this season in his Mets debut.
Source: Rotoedgesportsworld.com
Mark Canha the slugger! The guy whose career high in homers is 26! Whose Slugging Percentage has only twice eclipsed league average? The guy whose last name has caused inter-fan squabbles? Words matter, and while this is nit-picky, I will die on the twin hills of MVP-Shohei Ohtani and Mark Canha-Not-Slugger. I would accept the following:
- Mark Canha-On-Base-Machine
- Mark-OBP Maven
- Mark OBP-Stalwart
A true stalwart cut from the tattered remains of the Oakland Athletics legacy! A real honest to golly stalwart! My goodness, I’m overwhelmed, oh dear, the vapors, *passes away*
Till next week, friends, when I, CA James (death) shall return as CA James (The White Wizard). Nope, no, not that type of white wizard. It’s a Gandalf reference, not a David Duke one. Names are hard.
