It’s mid August, which means it’s football season for everyone except those still in contention in baseball leagues (and those gracious, absurd souls that maintain high effort levels on out-of-it teams). The author of this piece confesses that he, in fact, is not one of them. Of the three leagues for which I drafted teams, only one –the one I’m currently in first– commands my honest attention.

But lemme tell ya, I really want to win that one league. Real bad. And I’m guessing if you’re reading this, you are in a similar spot in your league and can Relate. If we call Level 1 “Showing up to the draft” and Level 2 “Replacing injured players”, then I’m operating on like a Level 13 level right now. That means doing all the little things right like making sure I’m taking advantage of platoon splits, dropping fringe guys with unfavorable upcoming matchups (sorry Grady), and starting a guy in every spot on every night, every day of the week. That last part is what this column is all about, so let’s take a look at some of the lesser-owned hitters at our disposal this Thursday.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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I don’t really remember the first time I played ‘lambs’. It’s hard to remember much after being chloroformed, to be honest, but let’s just say I’m glad the game didn’t go on for too long. It was really creepy hearing Grey pet Ted and call him ‘Precious’ while asking ‘Would you F@#$ me? I’d F@#$ me’. Mainly because you’re supposed to tuck and do that into a mirror while dancing and tucking your junk. He screwed the game up so badly, we had to start over. The human body can’t take this much chloro! But all this to say, I’m ready and willing to play again, only I want the bucket to be filled with Kyle Lohse this time. What, you wanted a more seamless segue? Sorry, we can’t all be Christian Bale taking an axe to Jared Leto whilst waxing poetic about Huey Lewis & The News, ok? Let’s just talk baseball since that’s what you’re here for. Heading into the game against Peralta last night, the Cubs were striking out 27.5% of the time over the last 7 games while rocking a .274 wOBA. These numbers go in the ‘no bueno’ section of your baseball stats. So unless the wind is blowing monstrously out, I’ll take Kyle for the miniscule $8K price tag with the hopes of him going at least 7 while K’ing 6 and coasting into a 20+ DraftKings point night.

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 20 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care!

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Uh-oh, I feel a rhyme coming on. Chris Carter‘s schmotato was born on August 4th wearing the Astros hat, 40 ounces he doesn’t pour forth cause that forty-oh is his bat. If you can’t respect that your whole perspective is wack, maybe you’ll love him when he goes by Charlie Really Black. Man, he was conceived as Hurry K’d Carter, but that was just for fun, big hands, I know you’re the one. What’s this a Violent Femmes mash-up, must be the Grey album. Eggs over easy, Carter’s going swat! What’s that albumen? No, it’s snot! So, Carter now has 7 homers in the last ten games. If he could only hit .260, he’d an exact clone of a young Ryan Howard. We want mo’ Howard! Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck! Instead, we’ll take what Carter’s giving now, which is crazy power and Ks. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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If you’re at all interested in how valuable a power-hitting middle infielder might be, take a look at Javier Baez and his +93% jump in ownership this week. Like any big call-up there is some helium to sift through, but once we get past the hype and the temporarily high-pitched voice, we are left with a very talented player – the type that can impact fantasy teams down the stretch. This has been well-documented, but Baez has typically struggled early on with each promotion to a new level. He also has a lot of swing and miss in his game which we’re already seeing with 12 strikeouts in his first 29 plate appearances. On the positive side, he’s made the necessary adjustments at each level (most recently his June/July surge in Triple-A) and with that swing and miss comes elite bat speed and home runs. Baez can also steal bases by the way. He swiped 16 in 104 games with the Iowa Cubs prior to his call up. As a top prospect he should have been long gone in keeper leagues, but owners in redraft leagues as shallow as 10 teams should be acquiring Baez for the stretch. There’s more upside in his bat than any you’ll find on the wire, and it’s my guess that as the calendar turns to September, we’re already going to see less strikeouts and more slugging. Here are the other big adds and drops for this week in 2014 fantasy baseball…

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With 3/4 of the season over, it’s time to show your moxy and show up every day to play. This ain’t over, and you might be surprised how much ground can still be made up. Don’t start Trippin’ like you’re at the Disco! Yes that was a plug for a video I want you to watch. I’m trying to keep it light in here. Have a smoke and a pancake and just chill. Make smart moves, dump dead weight, start looking at your starting pitchers next 4 starts and see how many of those you will actually throw them, never leave your computer, always have your phone charged, stay away from daylight because you can burn your eyes out and not be able to play, slap your self awake (feel better? YES YOU DO!). Now do it again to avoid the caffeine jitters, feel that adrenaline run through you, just stay alive so you can win this and screw your job, money is over rated, women will ruin our good time and for god’s sake DON’T RELY ON BILLY BUTLER! I’m sorry, I ‘m losing it over here because not only am I trying to win a few leagues, I’m also working with the football side here at Razzball and I need you all to take our oath of allegiance (I pledge allegiance to the Razz…) and sign up for RCL football NOW!

Oh Jack, I don’t play football

 DON’T WHINE…SHUT UP AND PLAY!

But I’m a baseball guy, I don’t get it

LOT’S OF GIRLS PLAY FANTASY FOOTBALL YOU SISSY BOY, SHUT UP AND PLAY!

Why are you yelling at us?

BECAUSE I CAN, NOW SHUT UP AND PLAY!….please?

Great, thanks for playing. Now that I got out of the way. It’s time to start talking about you and by you I mean those of you in the RCL’s. If you’re not then please move on to the comments and ask me random questions. I’m kidding, read what you’re missing out on and hope Santa doesn’t skip you this year because you didn’t play an RCL. Yup, we got that kind of pull around here.

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Hey ya’ll welcome back to the DK shuffle. We do this daily and since, at this point in the season, you’re probably here everyday, lemme get straight to the point. The Giants suck right now. Nothing pleases a Dodger fan more than to be able to say that and know that I’m not being a homer. Bonus points when you live in enemy territory. Those of you who share my pain can relate, right? I spend my daily grind getting lit up by the Tortured. I’ve watched the Dodgers be relatively unimpressive and gain almost 20 games on the Giants in the last couple months. I checked the last 30 days on Los Gigantes hitting and here’s what I found: 90 wRC+, .292 wOBA, .242 AVG and .651 OPS. Hard to be scurred uh dat… Plus they’re facing Chris Sale, Intimidator (CSI) in the spacious confines of the beautiful AT&T Park. The only guy on the Giants who’s been hitting is Panda and he is basically a golden sombrero away from giving up switch hitting, he’s so bad as a RHB—sandwiched between Juan Perez and Ryan Vogelsong against LHP on the team… Sale averages over 10 K/9 and carries a 1.85 ERA on the road this year. I’m not feeling very confident in the majority of SPs out there today so I’m rolling with Sale everywhere today, even at $12,500.

There is so much value out there today on the bat side of things. So much so, that it just might be worth stacking your pitching with Adam Wainwright and Sale… Before you build your lineup today, ensure that you’ve taken a good look at the DFSBot. Rudy’s phenomenal tool, as Mrs. Gamble calls it, cranks out the day’s best value plays and even breaks it down to expected $ per point. As the Ombotsman has proven, the DFSBot has been a much more accurate method of ranking value than Draftkings salaries have been.

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 20 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I read a press release that Universal had greenlit the new buddy cop movie, Ham and Moobs, but I thought it was the usual PR stunt. When I heard they cast Kirsten Dunst as the Manic Pixie Dream Girl, who would be helping take Josh Willingham from loner without a job in Minnesota to new heights in Kansas City, where she would be sneaking him onto a plane to go — surprise! — parachuting and slipping him into a cage of alligators to get over his fear of being eaten alive, I was hooked! That Dunst girl will annoy the pants off you! So, The Other White Meat moves to KC, and I hear the Royals made the trade simply by pressing this button. This doesn’t hurt Wilingham’s value, but it doesn’t necessarily help it either. He’ll be the majority shareholder of the Royals DH slot and could be good for a little pop here and there, but not worth owning in most mixed leagues unless he’s hot. This does open the way for Kennys Vargas to remain the Twins DH and I’m a big fan of his. Both of his. All the Kennys you got. Every one of them. Okay then. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Psyche! Before I get into today’s post, I have some news. The Guru vanished. No idea where he went. One moment he was on the Razzball tour, next moment he was talking to a group of bears dressed as swimsuit models luring him into their car. You also catch more Gurus with honey, apparently. I await the A. A. Milne book with Guru in the Pooh gang. Any the hoo! The Football RCL signups are still underway, but if you joined one of Guru’s leagues, you need to sign up for a new football league. Repeat, there will be no Guru leagues; he got in a Hyundai filled with masquerading bears. Anyway II, the roundup:

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Man it was a crazy weekend!  I think the biggest event was I saw a dude with a Fangraphs shirt on.  Way to wear your heart on your sleeve!  With a 79.8% confidence.  Then my boy James Paxton was straight up nasty, striking out the White Sox in order in the first inning and turning in a good start.  Pour the syrup, hoser!  Oh, and I got engaged…

But despite all that hooplah, I’m back, I’m fierce, and I’m ready to hit the Pitcher Profile harder than Wade Miley at the free lobster Golden Corall!  “That’s just mean, JB…”  Well, what was really mean was if you started Miley in his last start, tagged for 10 runs against the Royals.  “Damn that Alex Gordon for bringing me those KC ribs!  I had the meat sweats before I hit the field!”  Even so, Miley bounced back well yesterday, and still has a surprising 144 Ks in 156.1 IP.  He needs three more to surpass his 147 career-high last year that took him 200+ innings, so he’s taken a giant step forward.  Which may or may not sound like Jurassic Park.  Ok, I’m done!  Here’s how Miley looked yesterday, with some analysis-ation on if he can help your fantasy squads down the stretch:

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Just do it, you wuss. Yeah, she was probably hammered and will scream when she sees you in daylight, but you never know, the chick might actually like you. So pick up that phone and dial those digits she gave you. What’s that? It’s a number for a cat hotel? That sounds like an awful job … poor girl. Oh, the number was fake … gotcha. Well, that’s good because now you have plenty of time to play some DraftKings tonight, and better yet, you don’t even have to take a shower. You, my friend, are now living the DFS dream.

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 20 Teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Sam Fuld already has four stolen bases since his trade to the Athletics. He’s seeing time batting second in the A’s lineup now that Coco Crisp has returned from injury, and should continue to get enough playing time in the outfield to make him relevant as a speed play in most fantasy leagues. He’s basically owned nowhere with less than 2% ownership on ESPN, so he’s likely available as a play in leagues that make daily roster changes. Fuld is getting on base at a .347 clip this season and he’s only been caught three times in 19 stolen base attempts. His 16 stolen bases have come in only 262 plate appearances. That’s a rate of one steal for every 16 plate appearances. In the A’s lineup he’ll have opportunites to score runs, but outside of that and his steals he’s not going to bring much to the table as a .260 hitter with no power (hence the appearances in these SAGNOF columns). We’re getting closer to the finish line here folks and we need to get the stats where we can. Give Fuld a look this week against the Braves, who are tied for 8th in baseball with 73 stolen bases allowed. Here are some other steals picks for this week in 2014 fantasy baseball…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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